Our good friend Michael Barrymore has been hitting the yayo pretty bad. Think it’s time we staged an intervention. After all, he is our good, close personal friend Michael Barrymore, whom we care for. And as the good good friend of our friend Michael Barrymore, we need to be on hand to cater for all of Michael’s post 2005 whims.
Such as wiping his constantly replenishing cocaine moustache, or?respectfully?reporting the news yesterday that Mike has been arrested for his lovably endearing and altogether totally fine hobby.
At around 4am yesterday morning, the former TV presenter, and ex-guy-people-used-to-like was arrested near his flat in London with ‘unidentified male friend’ (nudge, nudge) for the most extreme of winter sports (that’s a cocaine joke, cocaine fans). The news of which, came as a shock to us all.
Not an actual shock, obviously – just a shock that someone would give half a chuff about arresting Micheal Barrymore for cocaine abuse in 2011.
Sure, Michael’s been through a lot over the past 800 years. What with Strike It Lucky, and that poorly?received?Hitler impersonation on Celebrity Big Brother, and all the rest of it. And as the old Japanese proverb goes;
“When C4?decommission?your rumoured comeback chat show, just take some cocaine instead.”
Or if you’d prefer something a little closer to home, as Chumbawamba once said, “I Get Knocked Down, and Then I Stay In An Eternal Ebb Until The Day Of My Arrest, Where I Finally Get To Be Close To People Again”.
You know the one.
So, as you can see – a whole plethora of signs have been leading Michael this way for quite a while now. Especially when the big boost from CBB did not sow the'spermatozoon?of that vibrant resurrected career we were all secretly gunning for after all the ‘stuff’ (God, you guys and Michael Barrymore’s ‘stuff’. That’s all you ever go on about, isn’t it?) and instead went a little bit like this:
So all in all, we did actively try and give Michael the whole back sack and Robert Downey Jr. treatment. We really did. As it stands – probably best off letting him enjoy his nice cocaine in peace now, and we’ll just remember the good times.
No no, we said the good times.
That’ll have to do.