Tips On How To Survive The Denise Welch Menace

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Denise Welch officially splits from Tim Healy, not that anyone cares anymore. Remember at the end of Jurassic Park where all of the dinosaurs were left to their own devices and untouched by human hands again? And when King Kong was shot fell to his death from the Empire State building? And when Ethel Skinner was put down by Dot Cotton, ending her reign of sexual terror? Well, these are examples of when it’s acceptable to lock up/euthanise sexual threats because they pose a threat to greater society.

Unfortunately, we are facing a turning point in our history because one of these situations has arisen again: Denise Welch is single again.

The 2012 Celebrity Big Brother winner and Byker Grove star confirmed the worrying news yesterday on Loose Women, where she spoke candidly and without any prompting from her agent about the situation between her and Career Geordie, Tim Healy.

Which isn’t great is it? Now you won’t be able to finish your cornflakes without worrying about where Denise will be striking next.

Unfortunately for any people with a working penis (she doesn’t discriminate against gay or straight apparently) this means that she’s bringing her own unique brand of syphilitic whoring to a town near you VERY SOON. Lock up your brothers, husbands, sons and nephews, because she is coming for them.

We imagine that this is what it felt like when news broke about Hitler annexing Czechoslovakia. Everyone was one step closer to War, and we are one step closer to reading all about her every step and clap of pissflap in every magazine going. We’ll have her yearning to have a family in OK! and her desire to be single and how she’s loving the single life in Hello! And whatever shit the Daily Mail want to publish about her.

The Welch Menace got all teary and emotional when she broke the heart-rendering news to the Loose Women audience and fans, and told them that they had been separated for a “a few months” even though she was seen acting like a married couple just last week at Tim Healy’s birthday, in a move that will send ripples through the camps of fellow Career Divorcées Kerry Katona and Natasha Giggs. If she can infiltrate and imitate a happy couple so convincingly then what’s stopping her from using her human chameleon powers to rob a bank, or worse still, your husband. In fact, she might even be in your house now!

To help put your mind at rest, here is our handy guide to surviving the Welch Menace until she is fully under control and we’ve all forgotten about her.

  • Regularly check under all settees and covered tables. Denise Welch is well known for sleeping in dark and warm areas that can also provide protection, until she is ready to strike again. If you do suspect Denise Welch is under your settee, do not approach. She will lift her top and expose herself if provoked.
  • Do not store unused alcohol on your premises until the Welch Panic is over. She can smell alcohol from up to 16 miles away and has been known to flock overnight to reach a newly opened bottle of Martini. At the very least keep a bottle top on all alcohol that is not in use, so as not to attract her attention.
  • If you do become cornered by a Denise Welch, do not frighten or attack (see point 1). Instead, stay as still as possible until the threat has passed. Denise Welch is attracted by people who regularly move around and will soon get bored if she thinks there is no one in the room with her to annoy/talk about herself to/mate with. Once she has gone, lock all your windows and doors and wait for a member of Heat to arrive so they can document every thing she has done.
  • If you are unfortunate enough and she does realise you are there, then either a) open a bottle of wine (pink is her favourite) and throw it into the corner of the room. The distraction will be enough for you to make your escape, or b) use whatever shiny surface you can find to distract her attention. If Denise Welch has a shiny surface to talk to, and thinks that she is talking to someone who she thinks is her equal, she can spend upwards of 56 hours nonstop conversing with herself.
  • Do not under any circumstances listen to anything Denise Welch says. She is descended from a line of mythical prostitute Sirens and she has been known to make even a passing interest in her career stretch out for two decades.

If you’re reading this and your husband has already expressed an interest in seeing her at a local public gathering, or muttered the words ‘Natalie Barnes’ in his sleep, then unfortunately it is already too late.

Good luck out there and be vigilant.

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