Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids.

We don’t want to see them happy, you understand. No, it’s because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we’d be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over – Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up.

Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man – a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.

For the briefest moment of time recently, all the Jonas brothers were happy. They were all in blissful, non-sexual relationships with their dream girls – the littlest Jonas was together with Miley Cyrus, the rubbish older Jonas who looks like he was ordered to join the Jonas Brothers against his will by his parents had just got engaged to a hairdresser and Joe Jonas was hooked up with Camilla Belle, the girl from that rubbish caveman film that nobody saw.

But now it’s over. Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle – the poster couple for wild, uncontrollable eyebrows that closely resemble what we imagine Susan Boyle‘s pubes to be like – are no more. They’ve split up. They’re kaput.

What caused this heartbreaking love split? Was it Joe Jonas’ punishing workload? Were Camilla Belle’s eyebrows so big that they weighed down her head, giving her the preliminary stages of a grotesque humpback? Maybe we’ll never know. All we have for now is the statement given to Access Hollywood by Camilla Belle’s rep Brad Cafarelli:

“Yes, it’s true, they have broken up,” Brad Cafarelli told Access. However, the split was amicable and Jonas and Belle remain on good terms. “There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends,” Cafarelli added.

Cafarelli then conspicuously turned his back on reporters and started punching himself in the face, presumably because he never wanted to officially pass on non-details of the dating habits of D-list celebrities for a living and deep down he knows that his parents are disgusted with the career choices he’s made. Or at least that’s what we imagine Cafarelli did – it’s what we would have done in his situation, anyway.

But listen! The big news isn’t that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up – the big news is that afterwards, Joe Jonas couldn’t stop blubbering like some sort of emotionally immature namby-pamby wussbag during his concert. Look, there’s video…

Now, if you look very very closely at the video, you’ll see that Joe Jonas is crying. Alternatively if you play the video and close your eyes you’ll still see that Joe Jonas is crying because of the thousands of hormonal teenage girls shrieking “OH MY GOD! HE’S CRYING! HE’S CRYING! WEAUUUUUURGH! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAGH! I CAN’T BREATHE!” Either way, you’ll be able to tell that Joe Jonas is crying.

Why is Joe Jonas crying? God knows – sure, he might have split up with his girlfriend, but he’s Joe Jonas, for God’s sake. The world is full of girls that he can take back to his hotel room and affectionately pat on the back while silently cursing that stupid bloody purity ring his management told him to wear. That boy needs to cowboy up.

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You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.

This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.

However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.

Yesterday’s news that Joe Jonas has found love with Camilla Belle from 10,000 BC sounded sweet enough at first. After all, Joe and Camilla are both young, both pretty, both morally strict and both in possession of vast, light-absorbing eyebrows that make them look like they’ve been partially tarred and feathered by an angry mob of medieval beauty therapists.

Yes, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are perfect for each other. Well, we assume they are, anyway. We’re not actually going to pretend we’ve heard of either of them. But, as perfect as Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle seem together, there’s a dark force hiding in the shadows threatening to rise up and destroy them. Worse still, it’s a force that sings country music. It’s Taylor Swift.

There was a time when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas were happy together. Happy, but completely secret in case the fact that Joe Jonas had a girlfriend ruined his pure virginal public image. But then tragedy struck – Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 25-second telephone call, and Taylor Swift got mad. She spoke of the split in interviews, she made a little puppet show about the split on MySpace, she even wrote sad country songs about the split and she even felt the need to comment about a possible pregnancy after the split. And now we know why she’s so angry.

Taylor Swift has claimed that Joe Jonas was cheating on her with Camilla Belle for ages before they were publicly linked. And you know what that means – more rabid screeching about the Jonas Brothers. OK! reports:

“They’ve been together for months,” Taylor tells OK!. “That’s why we broke up.” Swift says her best advice for getting over a heartbreak is to “write songs about it.” When OK! asked if she and Joe are still friends, Taylor curtly replied, “We don’t talk.”

You don’t have to be a mathematician to see where Taylor Swift is coming from here – if Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have been together for months, and Joe Jonas only split up with Taylor Swift a month ago, then the only obvious conclusion is nobody cares nobody cares oh christ nobody cares.

Despite this, though, these endless romantic tweeny machinations can only have a positive ending for all involved. Taylor Swift will end up writing 400 albums about the time a girly-looking teenage boy broke her heart, and Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle can spend the rest of their lives gazing adoringly into each other’s eyebrows. It’s perfect.

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For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad.

Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who’d listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere.

We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn’t mean ‘sow his wild oats’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.

If any of you saw the movie 10,000 BC, then… no, wait, what are we talking about, nobody watched the movie 10,000 BC. OK, if any of you saw the trailer or accidentally walked past the television while an advert for 10,000 BC was on, you may have caught a glimpse of Camilla Belle – a pretty young thing with eyebrows that look like they were drunkenly scrawled onto her face by an angry stepdad with a magic marker.

And if you saw Camilla Belle you may have thought “Ooh, now there’s a girl who’s femininity I’d like to respect until the day of our wedding.” Joe Jonas certainly thought that, because he’s apparently her new boyfriend.

Even though his recent ex Taylor Swift is still using a combination of her ‘Joe Jonas is a bellend for dumping me‘ and ‘Joe Jonas didn’t get me pregnant‘ stories to promote her new album, Joe Jonas has already hooked up with Camilla Belle, if reports are to be believed. He really is quite the swordsman.

By which, obviously, we mean that Joe Jonas is skilled in the art of sport fencing and has won several local and regional awards for it. We don’t mean ‘swordsman’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin. A virgin. Anyway, People reports:

“They met on the set of his music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it…. They are not public about it but they’ve just been hanging out with their friends and Joe’s brothers… They are very private about it. She’s a really good girl and it seems they share a lot of the same characteristics and morals.”

Which, we assume, means that they’re both adorable virgins. Or they might not be. After all, while Joe Jonas is 19 years old, Camilla Belle is 22 and she could have got up to anything in those extra three years for all we know.

While Joe’s smart to go for an older woman – it’s unlikely that Camilla Belle will respond to a split by making a puppetshow about it on MySpace like Taylor Swift did – there is a chance that she’ll push him into the world of premarital sex simply because she’s older than him. And that’s a worry, because Joe Jonas really is a randy old thumpsausage.

By which we mean… oh, never mind. We’ve got nothing.

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