Hey! Think about this. Get a really good image of it in your mind. Get it really clear. Think of the juices being swapped between two consenting adults. Think of the grunty sex noises. Okay? Got there?

Now, imagine Cameron Diaz and Sean “Diddy” Combs doing it proper with each other.

Doesn’t make any sense does it? You just can’t imagine it now. All those vivid images have dissipated into the ether with a confused shrug. However, this is real life. Someone has seen them slobbering all over each other. It must be real. It has to be real.

According to the NYPost, the unlikely pair were caught kissing on Saturday night at some stupid place called PH-D at the Dream Downtown Hotel.

People spying on a couple because they had nothing better to do note that Diddy came to meet Diaz at her table at about 1:15 a.m. That’s far too late to be meeting people. You should be in bed, glaring at the ceiling in the darkness by that point, thinking about how awful you are.

Anyway, Puff/P Diddles/Panda Comb/Seany Dando/Daddy Poo/Diddn’t/Whatever He’s Called Now, ordered multiple bottles of Ciroc, Grey Goose and Patrón, while onlookers drank drip-tray from the bar and asked the bar staff for ‘two’s on that fag’.

Probably.

Some absolutely trustworthy source said:

“They were kissing and making out” and continued being “very affectionate” while they danced.”

They then LEFT TOGETHER, quite possibly to go and have ‘sexual intercourse’ on a foldaway Z bed at Puff Doodah’s bedsit which smells like Super Noodles.

Diaz’s rep still reckons that the two are:

“friends and are not dating.”

Shag buddies. That’s what they are. The dirty slags.

You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got  mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it’s arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised “Hang on a second. This woman’s dimples aren’t cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We’ve all been duped!’ and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

Those months were some of the most significant pieces of clarity that we have ever experienced. But now it’s time for the hideous comedown, which falls into the shape of the following piece of information: Cheryl Cole is now to become an actress.

It has surfaced that Cheryl (Or ‘Chezza’, if you’re a Heatworld.com reader) will be appearing in an upcoming terrible film called What To Expect When You’re Expecting – a hilarious romcom about pregnant people starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. What’s that you say? Why have two has-been, incredibly untalented and unattractive women when you can have three? Well, yes, bit cruel – but fair point, guys. Fair point.

On top of this, new rumours are now floating around that Cheryl’s infallible multi-talented abilities will also be taking place in a guest spot in everyone’s favourite masochistic orgy series Glee, and everyone’s second favourite masochistic orgy series How I Met Your Mother.

These rumours appeared to begin after Matthew Morrison, (who apparently is in Glee, but how the hell would we possibly know) lied to the press today professing:

“She is a talented girl. Appearing in Glee would be a good way for Cheryl to crack America.”

Brilliant. Cheers Cheryl. It’s going to be an absolutely awful 2012, and we’re all going to have to actually watch the Olympics now.

Citizen Kane 2, anyone?

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Let’s get one thing straight. No-one, but no-one, likes a worthy teacher film. Nothing brings up the traditional blogger’s lunch of White Lightning and pocket fluff into a hecklersprayer’s gullet quicker than watching some earnest nonsense where some skinny blonde chick like Mickey Piffler changes the lives of a gang of murderous children simply through wearing jeans and riddling Shakespearean sonnets with F-bombs.

Oh Captain, My Captain? Oh Come on, My Chuffin’ arse, more like.

So you’d think a film like Bad Teacher – a film that takes that concept and shoves a Molotov cocktail up its fundament – would be something appraoching perfection. But unfortunately, the filmmakers have not entertainingly flipped their Dangerous Minds. Instead, they’ve got the DVDs of charming Jack Black softy-comedy School Of Rock and not-so-charming little-person-abuse-comedy Bad Santa, ground them together into carcinogenic dust, and sprinkled it all over Cameron Diaz’s cougar mum.

Oh, hang on! That’s actually Cameron Diaz! The years can be cruel.

Cammy plays Elizabeth Halsey, the money-grabbing, conniving, lazy, pot-smoking, hard-drinking and inexplicably employed titular Bad Teacher, who is dumped by her filthy rich fiancé for her money-grabbing, conniving, etc etc ways, and left penniless. But goodness me, what luck! Who should turn up as a new colleague but filthy rich and dorkilicious Scott (Justin Timberlake)?

No luck there, though, because despite Liz’s sinewy charms, the Trousersnake seems to prefer the tender embrace of her irritatingly perfect rival, Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch). Nothing left for Liz to do but raise 10 grand for a brand-new pair of luscious Scott-baiting boobies…

And so the paltry few laughs trickle forth. It’s not a terrible film. It’s a film that begs a lot of questions. For example: how are you meant to sympathise with a character that’s such an utter bitch to everyone under the sun and has no redeeming qualities, and whose redemptive moment involves accusing an 11-year-old of statutory rape?

What’s more disturbing, the bit where Cameron rubs up against a car in Daisy Duke shorts like an aging lizard, or the bit where she and Timbers re-enact their bizarrely fully-clothed sex life for our meagre enjoyment? Can we really celebrate a film where Jason Segel turning up every half-an-hour to be a bit sarcastic is a revelatory highlight equal to Jenny Agutter in the shower in American Werewolf In London?

And why does Justin Timberlake recite every line like he’s reading it off a Post-it note stuck on his co-star’s forehead?

All in all, it’s a bit of a misfire. Not funny enough, not sexy enough, not as caustic as Bad Santa, not as heart-warming as School Of Rock, cliché-ridden, stuffed to the brim with annoying archetypes. And while Diaz may give a decent funny turn in parts, you still end up wanting to fill her impressive collection of ankle boots with some kind of poisonous insect swarm. But hell, at least there was one positive: the kids suffered throughout. And that’s the kind of message hecklerspray can get behind.

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Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.

Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.

Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.

Naturally, this will be very painful to read for everyone… but not as painful as the whole thing is for the couple in question. And so, we’ll go to a ‘source’ to tell us all about it.

“They broke up a few days ago. He ended it”

Imagine! You’re a man who looks like Dwayne Johnson if he’d been raised by coyotes and having the audacity to dump one of the most coveted women the Nineties ever saw! What cheek! What grief inducing nerve! And he’s a stupid baseball player too! Running around with his hitting stick for the Yankees! God! What an unswerving pleb!

WAIT! It isn’t over yet!

“However, they have broken up and gotten back together before, so not sure it’s forever.”

Of course, there’s no comment from both parties reps, because presumably, they’ve got other clients who they’re quickly covering things up for.

We think it would be only fair for Diaz to acknowledge some of her stalkers in this tricky period and allow them into her house and have sex with them all in some tear-filled rebound sex-week.

It is the only thing that’s going to make a tedious story like this worth writing about.

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Good news, people who still care about Cameron Diaz despite countless reasons why you shouldn't – it looks like your girl's got herself engaged.

Cameron Diaz has been seen out and about with a gigantic diamond ring wedged right onto her wedding ring finger, prompting speculation that she's going to get married to Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Exciting!

Only you should probably dismiss that notion, because Cameron Diaz's people have said that she isn't engaged, and that the ring she was seen waving around so furiously recently was an old ring of hers that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger in public.

So maybe Cameron Diaz is engaged and maybe she isn't. One thing's for sure – we genuinely couldn't care less about any of it either way. Hooray for us!

The world of Hollywood dating is like one of those revolving doors that you get trapped in because you're drunk and you can't find the exit and you end up vomiting and crying and trudging around in a circle for so long that eventually you're sloshing about in three inches of tear-diluted sick until the hotel security guards ban you for life. It's almost exactly like that.

Take Jennifer Aniston, for example. She's currently dating John Mayer, the man who used to go out with Jessica Simpson, while her ex-husband Brad Pitt is now with Angelina Jolie. But in between Pitt and Mayer, Jennifer Aniston went out with British model Paul Sculfor, who might now possibly be engaged to Cameron Diaz, who was with Justin Timberlake before he started going out with Jennifer Biel.

Anyway, now we've done the necessary groundwork, we feel duty-bound to tell you that Cameron Diaz might be engaged to Paul Sculfor even though she probably isn't. Last week Cameron was seen doing that unpleasant ringy finger-waggle that newly-engaged women do while being photographed leaving Nobu in Los Angeles. It seemed clear that Cameron Diaz was getting married.

However, Cameron Diaz's publicist wants you all to know that she definitely isn't getting engaged. Almost definitely. Possibly. Although she might be, even though that would defy logic on about 15 separate levels. Actress Archives reports:

According to a statement made Friday by the publicist, “It is not an engagement ring. It is her own ring, designed by her friend Lenore Marusak for La Paix.”

See? It's Cameron Diaz's own ring that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger and waving around like it was on fire in front of the paparazzi.

That's almost certainly cleared some of this muddle up in part. In reality, though, we're sure that one of the following has actually happened…

1) Cameron Diaz is engaged.

2) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged, but she wanted to promote her friend's jewellery collection and creating a dreary hollow media stir was the easiest way to do it.

3) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged but she's pretending she is anyway because she's mental.

But let's just say that Cameron Diaz is engaged. It's Justin Timberlake who we feel most sorry for. He broke up with Cameron Diaz because she didn't want to get married to him, even though his entire last album was full of songs like My Love, Until The End Of Time, Why Won't You Just Bloody Marry Me and Seriously Cameron Diaz Why Won't You Marry Me (Is It My Girl's Voice?).

And now Cameron Diaz might be getting married to a bloke whose genitals still probably smell like Jennifer Aniston? Disgraceful. Or, if she isn't engaged, not disgraceful. We think the moral of this story is that Cameron Diaz is sort of annoying.

P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince’s basement.

Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.

But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:

“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.

“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.

“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”

Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it:

We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.

Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.

It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror