Cameron Diaz has been seen out and about with a gigantic diamond ring wedged right onto her wedding ring finger, prompting speculation that she's going to get married to Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Exciting!

Only you should probably dismiss that notion, because Cameron Diaz's people have said that she isn't engaged, and that the ring she was seen waving around so furiously recently was an old ring of hers that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger in public.

So maybe Cameron Diaz is engaged and maybe she isn't. One thing's for sure – we genuinely couldn't care less about any of it either way. Hooray for us!

The world of Hollywood dating is like one of those revolving doors that you get trapped in because you're drunk and you can't find the exit and you end up vomiting and crying and trudging around in a circle for so long that eventually you're sloshing about in three inches of tear-diluted sick until the hotel security guards ban you for life. It's almost exactly like that.

Take Jennifer Aniston, for example. She's currently dating John Mayer, the man who used to go out with Jessica Simpson, while her ex-husband Brad Pitt is now with Angelina Jolie. But in between Pitt and Mayer, Jennifer Aniston went out with British model Paul Sculfor, who might now possibly be engaged to Cameron Diaz, who was with Justin Timberlake before he started going out with Jennifer Biel.

Anyway, now we've done the necessary groundwork, we feel duty-bound to tell you that Cameron Diaz might be engaged to Paul Sculfor even though she probably isn't. Last week Cameron was seen doing that unpleasant ringy finger-waggle that newly-engaged women do while being photographed leaving Nobu in Los Angeles. It seemed clear that Cameron Diaz was getting married.

However, Cameron Diaz's publicist wants you all to know that she definitely isn't getting engaged. Almost definitely. Possibly. Although she might be, even though that would defy logic on about 15 separate levels. Actress Archives reports:

According to a statement made Friday by the publicist, “It is not an engagement ring. It is her own ring, designed by her friend Lenore Marusak for La Paix.”

See? It's Cameron Diaz's own ring that she just happened to be wearing on her ring finger and waving around like it was on fire in front of the paparazzi.

That's almost certainly cleared some of this muddle up in part. In reality, though, we're sure that one of the following has actually happened…

1) Cameron Diaz is engaged.

2) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged, but she wanted to promote her friend's jewellery collection and creating a dreary hollow media stir was the easiest way to do it.

3) Cameron Diaz isn't engaged but she's pretending she is anyway because she's mental.

But let's just say that Cameron Diaz is engaged. It's Justin Timberlake who we feel most sorry for. He broke up with Cameron Diaz because she didn't want to get married to him, even though his entire last album was full of songs like My Love, Until The End Of Time, Why Won't You Just Bloody Marry Me and Seriously Cameron Diaz Why Won't You Marry Me (Is It My Girl's Voice?).

And now Cameron Diaz might be getting married to a bloke whose genitals still probably smell like Jennifer Aniston? Disgraceful. Or, if she isn't engaged, not disgraceful. We think the moral of this story is that Cameron Diaz is sort of annoying.

We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.

May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.

Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.

Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.

Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince’s basement.

Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.

But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:

“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.

“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.

“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”

Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it:

We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.

Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror