9 - Fingerless gloves: the critical re-evaluation – Interestment

8 - Things we’re now afraid of: getting trapped on an iceberg with three polar bears – Asylum

7 - This just in: bald bears are TERRIFYING – Geekology

6 – Shakira! Quick! Do something to your hair that’ll stop us fancying you quite as much! Good girl! – AmyGrindhouse

5 - Footage from the Concert For Care concert with Rob Brydon and that bald Irish bloke – Leapanywhere

4 – Vegetable Elvis Presley. You Heard – Domesticsluttery

3 - Because of the day that it is – YouTube

2 - Womanizer by Britney Spears, as sung by the French – Bestweekever

1 – Where’s today’s idiot? Oh, here he is…

Let’s be serious for a moment – if you were the parent of a child like Miley Cyrus, you’d be appalled.

Just think of the implications. If you were the father of a child like Miley Cyrus then you, by definition, would be just like Billy Ray Cyrus. And that doesn’t even bear thinking about, does it? You’d have to grow a girl’s haircut. And a funny little beard that makes your entire face look like a stripper’s vagina. It’d be horrible.

Oh, and you’d also be appalled because your child would end up being named as the worst celebrity influence of the year, just like Miley Cyrus has.

Sometimes it seems as if poor Miley Cyrus just can’t do anything right. She can’t take a simple photo of herself without accidentally drenching her T-shirt and then uploading the pictures to the internet. She can’t meet new people without offending roughly 60% of the world’s population. She can’t sing a happy little song at an awards show without grinding up against a pole like a dead-eyed lapdancer. She can’t make a film without it being so awful that just thinking about it makes us want to violently corkscrew our eyes out.

And maybe it’s her insistence on blundering into these awkward situations like a ghastly teenage cross between Mr Bean and Prince Phillip that has earmarked Miley Cyrus as the worst celebrity influence of 2009.

Apparently, according to an AOL survey of 9-15 year-olds, Miley Cyrus is such a dreadful influence that she even managed to push Britney Spears and Kanye West – people who have spent the year either baring their vagina onstage or grossly disappointing their dead mother – into second and third place respectively. Phil Spector didn’t even get a look-in, and he murdered a woman’s face off. That’s how much of a bad influence Miley Cyrus is. What a turd. Reuters reports:

“I think Miley is in an interesting space where she is trying to graduate from being ‘Hannah Montana’ and a Disney channel celebrity and coming into her own and having a career beyond Disney,” said Stephanie Cohen, editor of JSYK.com. “I think her fans still want her to be the sweet Hannah Montana and she is trying to age up…Parents are definitely resisting it.”

This might come as bad news to Miley Cyrus – and worse news to the Disney executives who, upon hearing this news, presumably began to look for another grinning apple-faced teenage girl to buy and raise as their own – but she needs to remember that this is just another part of her natural progression. First came her fame as a childstar, and now Miley Cyrus needs to cut her ties and develop as an artist in her own right.

After all, if she doesn’t do that then she’ll never fulfil the third stage of her career plan – failing as an artist in her own right and spending the rest of her life punctuating her underperforming straight-to-DVD movies by crawling around the nightclubs of the world drunkenly belching “Don’t you know who I am?” into the face of disinterested strangers. And she does want that to happen, right?

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Britney Spears has a new single out. It’s called 3, so presumably it’s about the highest number she can count to.

Just kidding. It’s about the amount of braincells Britney Spears has left. Just kidding. It’s about the number of industrial-sized bottles of toilet cleaner that Britney Spears had to drink before allowing Kevin Federline to marry her. Just kidding. It’s about the number of people who have an unblocked view of Britney Spears’ vagina at any given time. Just kidding.

It’s actually about Britney Spears having sex with two people at once. We think we preferred the toilet cleaner one.

Back in 2004, did you buy the Britney Spears greatest hits collection My Prerogative? You did? Well throw it away. Throw it away THIS INSTANT. It’s no longer the definitive Britney Spears greatest hits collection.

Sure, it might have all the songs you’d ever really need from a Britney Spears greatest hits collection, but ask yourself this – does it have the song that Britney shambled around silently to in a weird bikini at the MTV VMAs that time? Or the song that sort of spells out a swearword if you say it quickly enough in a funny accent? Or the one that sounds like Professor Steven Hawking’s voice machine succumbing to a malicious virus that can only make him repeat the word ‘womanizer’? You know, the songs that you’re likely to listen to once and then forget about forever?

The answer is no. And that’s why you need the new Britney Spears greatest hits collection that’s coming out in November. That and because there’s a brand new golden-era Britney song on it, entitled 3. Well, OK, maybe not golden-era. Or bronze-era. What’s the era called when you’ve had a series of psychiatric meltdowns and have to have your entire life controlled by your father and a team of faceless officials who are are financially invested in your success? Well, that era, anyway.

But 3 has been written and produced by Max Martin, who did …Baby One More Time and Oops!… I Did It Again, so it’s sort of golden-era Britney, even if it sounds like it’s been performed by an unnecessarily strict robot and is all about how much Britney Spears likes being spitroasted by a couple of burly strangers. Look…

What do you think? Personally we’re hoping that 3 is a success for Britney Spears, because then she can follow it up with a song called 4, about having it off with two blokes and a woman. And then 5. And then 6. And then a song called Actually It’s Getting A Bit Sore Down There Now (What Is This Anyway, Bloody Caligula?).

Anyway, if you like 3 then you’ll need to buy the new Britney Spears: The Singles Collection album when it’s released in November. That’s a disappointing title, isn’t it? After all, My Prerogative was a nice bellwether for all the years of madness that would ensue when Britney Spears was allowed a prerogative. We were kind of hoping that her new album would predict the years to come in a similar fashion, too. Is it too late to retitle it For God’s Sake Don’t Let Her Near The Scissors Again?

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Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.

Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally.

The former backing dancer, one time appalling rapper, and provider of the potent seed that impregnated the popular singer, Britney Spears, not once, but twice, has really let himself go in recent months. Yet, weirdly the clothes are still the same size, it’s just that the man beneath them now fills them out. And like so many backing dancers who once married famous singers – like Cris Judd of was-temporarily-married-to-Jennifer-Lopez fame – the Fed is now branching out into the glamourous swishy world of reality television. Incidentally, for those who can’t quite remember, Judd was one I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. He was the bald guy. He won the thing.

If further rumours are true, Federline will be sweating and groaning alongside a host of fellow celebrities, many, like Kevin, whom once felt the full heat of a dazzling spotlight that has since waned.  There’s Bobby Brown – another pop star divorcee, who has taken to scraping coins together through reality television. Nicole Eggert, who was once so taut and impressive in a Baywatch swimming costume, playing Summer, but now looks like just another woman in her late-30s who loves the sweet aroma of a good pudding. And, most dramatically, Kevin’s ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson - mother to yet another brace of handsome Federline offspring.

Britney has been allowed her phoenix-like rise from the smouldering ashes of her post-freak-out career. So now it’s Kevin’s turn to bask in some familiar glory. And who knows? The sight of her ex-husband wobbling unsteadily and wheezing on a set of scales, as his ex-girlfriend does some clumsy press-ups in the background, might just bring all of those old sexy feelings back. Watch this space.

Like this do you? Then read more of Josh’s stuff at Interestment.

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The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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The MTV VMAs always excite – they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today.

Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that’s basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual.

Except this year’s MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by ‘business as usual’ we mean ‘tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish’.

Last year’s MTV VMA show was, by all accounts, a bit of a failure. Russell Brand, the host, managed to alienate swathes of viewers and some of the winners within seconds of setting foot onstage, and the big winner of the night was Britney Spears, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’d just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and was probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

It was rubbish. But at least the MTV VMA organisers know better than to make that same mistake again, which is why this year’s MTV VMAs will be hosted by, um, Russell Brand. And, judging by the VMA nominations, the biggest winner of the night looks set to be, er, Lady Gaga, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’s just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and is probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

Great, nice one MTV.

But anyway, although Lady Gaga has somehow managed to pick up nine MTV VMA nominations – including Video Of The Year, Best Female Video, Best Cinematography and Most Conspicuous Adam’s Apple On A Female Pop Star – she’s not the only nominee. Beyonce has also picked up nine VMA nominations, mostly for Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It). And, as UPI reports, she sounds quite pleased about it:

“I’m excited and honored to be tied for most-nominated for the VMAs,” Beyonce said in a statement. “I’ve been blessed this year to have ‘Single Ladies’ become a video people really connected with and responded to. I’ve spent so much time watching all the great versions people created all around the world. It’s beautiful to feel you touch people and bring a song to life with a video.”

‘Connected with’ and ‘responded to’ obviously being pop star code for ‘felt dirty watching’ and ‘ejaculated to’. You can’t fool us, Beyonce.

But anyway, Lady Gaga and Beyonce aren’t guaranteed to win all of the awards they’ve been nominated for – Britney Spears got seven VMA nominations, while Kanye West, Eminem and Coldplay each picked up four. Green Day picked up three nominations – presumably all for Most Dreary, Self-Important And Disappointingly Middle-Aged Album – and Jay-Z picked up two.

We’ll find out who’ll emerge triumphant when the MTV VMAs are broadcast next month. Or to be more specific, since the show will feature performances by Pink, Green Day and Taylor Swift, we’ll find out who emerged triumphant the following day by reading a list of winners on the internet. Seriously, Taylor Swift? We’re not mental.

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Remember when K-Fed had a dancer’s body? Sure it was covered in bad tattoos, cornrows made without the aid of a mirror and a layer of congealed body grease, but still – it was a dancer’s body.

And he used that body to scoop up Britney Spears and steal her away to a life most view as exotic fantasy and wonder.

Well he’s not scooping things up with that body any more. Except burritos, corn chips, and maybe an entire half-pig flame-broiled and basted.

What we’re getting at here is the man has gained weight – and boy has he!

The whole reason so many people bought Kevin Federline’s one album was because they took it on blind faith that it was a thin man delivering all those wonderful lyrics. Nobody wants to hear music made by fat people – that’s why Wilson Phillips had such a disappointing run.

Sure, once in a while the overweight can crack the top 40, but we think that the one time it happened it was more on the strength of the hit movie Disorderlies than it was from people wanting to hear angry lyrics about abbreviated late night menus.

Now that K-Fed is officially fat, he’s going to all but fade from the common man’s mind set unless he artistically incorporates his stretch marks into a photographic image of his track listing. We would definitely buy that. It’s the only thing he can really do, you know. Have fun with it, let us now he’s still ‘the Fed.’

Anyway – he showed off his new tarp-covered bod at a recent golf tournament. As we understand it, the balls he was swinging at rested comfortably on his naval, as did holes one through six.

Us Magazine has a much more viable account of the fatter of the matter:

“Kevin Federline turned heads at a California sporting event Monday. But it wasn’t over his golfing skills; it was over his size. At one point at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic, an employee on the grounds saw Federline and remarked, “Man, that’s a belly on him! That’s K-Fed?!?”"

Really though, nobody’s a fan of Federline because he makes albums. Their his fans because he makes babies. Sure, critics’ll say that none of the follow-ups were as good as the first one, but as long as he keeps trying there’ll be a dedicated audience there to buy up his efforts.

Of course, that’ll most likely all take place in the Persian black market, but still – with a talent like K-Fed’s rich Arabs will always be hungry for more.

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In this age of getting mediocre celebrities to try their hand at something new for the telly, it’s an amazing coup for BBC Three to sign Britney Spears up for a one off documentary where she performs open heart surgery – with crazy consequences!

As entertaining as that would be, it would require several things that this program doesn’t have: A budget, willing patients and, crucially, Britney Spears.

This is a documentary about her fans, not just those that have an album or two, but the absolutely hardcore mentalist ones, the ones that own red catsuits and you’d cross the road to avoid. Especially if you were Britney Spears.

Britney Spears Saved My Life focuses on a handful of these nutcase fans, almost without exception teenagers, and therefore exactly the sort of blithering idiots that know everything about the world and are best placed to comment on it.

One warns us that it’s “weird how her fans understand her, but her family don’t.” This isn’t a close personal friend, or, in fact even someone who has met Britney, but can still give us her under-qualified opinion.

The programme, for 50 minutes, is a parade of idiots telling us how they feel a connection to Britney, like her songs were written for them, or how she got them through a tough time in their life. Because if there’s anything to brighten up your life, it’s deep, meaningful lyrics like “I spotted you dancin’ you made all the girls stare”.

Since they are Super Fans, they must own every piece of tat that she puts her name, face or signature on. “This is shower gel, not just perfume,” we’re excitedly told, “she does everything.” Small but important correction: She does ANYTHING.

For some reason, they’re far more interested in every tiny turd in Britney’s life than the real people around them, with a strange looking sod popping up to tell us that “I used to wake up in the morning thinking ‘is she going to be okay?’” Not entirely sure why, although I must confess I did the same with Michael Jackson, but only because of the whole him being reported dead the night before thing. I don’t do it every day. Certainly not now, anyway. The same guy also says, with a completely straight face, “Strong independent women doing it for themselves”. You go, er, girlfriend.

The final ten minutes shows all the fans getting together in a room, dressing as Britney and doing a little happy dance. I think they were supposed to be doing the same dance, but not everyone got the memo and offer some uncoordinated jumping, like Stephen Hawking trying to go for a jog.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of the programme is, as none of the people in it particularly make you feel sorry for Britney, just pleased on her behalf that she lives so far away from them. But I just don’t understand, it’s all so meaningful, man.

This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows, which is all in all fairly brill.

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This is getting ridiculous. Michael Jackson has dominated the news to such an extent that there’s no other news.

Honestly. No news. The Iranians have stopped demonstrating to do a mass moonwalk in honour of Michael Jackson, Bernie Madoff only got 150 years in jail to commemorate a dance remix of Smooth Criminal that runs at 150bpm and even climate change is too traumatised to kill any more polar bears this week.

So what news is there? Well, Britney Spears hasn’t died. Yes, it’s just like when Jeff Goldblum didn’t die on Friday but, well, about Britney Spears. It’s news, honest.

As shocking as Michael Jackson’s death was, it’s important to remember that he’s not the only person to have died recently. David Carradine snuffed it. Farrah Fawcett snuffed it. Ed McMahon snuffed it. Steven Wells snuffed it. Some beardy bloke from an infomercial snuffed it. Fred Travalena snuffed it. That’s how bad things are – even celebrities who we’ve never heard of have died.

Such a tsunami of celebrity death is bound to affect people in different ways. Some will cry, some will realise that they’d never actually met any of these people in real life and just get on with things, some – in particular anybody who’s ever even briefly been on television for more than five seconds within the last 20 years – will take to their panic rooms with stockpiles of tinned food and Tamiflu and stay there until all the famous people have stopped dying.

And some will do the decent thing and tell everyone that other celebrities have died.

It’s what happened last Friday when Jeff Goldblum had to politely remind the world that he was still alive after a hoax, and it’s what has happened to Britney Spears, after someone hacked into her Twitpic account and told everyone that she’d karked it too. NME reports:

The message read: “Britney has passed today. It is a sad day for everyone. More news to come.” The message was followed up with another Twitter posting saying, “Britney’s Twitter was just hacked. The last message is obviously not true. She is fine and dandy spending a quiet day at home relaxing.”

We’ve got mixed feelings about this turn of events, to be honest. Obviously we’re pleased that Britney Spears isn’t dead – simply because we probably wouldn’t be able to take five full days of radio stations playing nothing but I’m Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman directly after five full days of hearing radio stations playing nothing but Man In The Mirror – but ‘Britney has passed today’ just reeks of missed opportunity, doesn’t it?

The problem is that it’s not very realistic. Now, several close-together Twitpic updates reading ‘OMG, Britney’s got the scissors! Call for help!’, ‘No Britney, not the face! Not my precious face!’, ‘This is the voice of Britney’s vagina. I have overtaken her body and will use it for evil!’ and ‘No, my vagina, put the petrol can down! Stop it! Oh, it burns! Oh, I’m burning to death! Arrrghhh!’ would have been much more in keeping with Britney’s character, and it would have probably fooled a lot more people, too.

Oh well. Congratulations for not being dead anyway, Britney. Our records show that not dying yesterday was the greatest thing to happen to you for about 18 months. So, really, well done.

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Imagine going on a date with someone who seems perfectly normal. Throughout the course of the evening, you notice that they have a little vial around their neck.

“Oh, that, that’s just my ex husband’s blood.” says your date as she pours you another glass of wine. “When I’m not looking after my fifty six billion children, I’m busy learning how to knife throw and kissing my brother in a way that could only be described as really really creepy. What do you do in your spare time?”

I reckon it’d take you about ten seconds to make your ’something bad happened’ excuse and get the  hell out of there. Leaving your wallet, phone and passport behind if you had to. Run! Run away!

Unless you’re on a date with Angelina Jolie.

Despite this woman being as mad as a box of frogs, we take one look at her (frankly fantastic) rack and forget all about her crazy blood carrying incestuous ways. You can be as mad as you like in Hollywood, as long as you’re pretty enough to distract people. We don’t really like the crazy, we’re just willing for forget about it.

Once upon a time, Britney Spears was every man’s school uniform wanking fantasy. And she always was a bit crazy (years of Disney will do that to you). But until she decided to shave off her pretty blonde mane, no one noticed. Once she looked a bit trailer trash, everyone thought she’d gone nutty. The fact is, she’d always been a bit nutty, we just didn’t have anything pretty to detract from this. She was just all crazy and no hair extensions.

If you’re pretty in Hollywood, you can get away with anything. I’m not saying every pretty girl is mad as a tree (Kate Hudson is just lovely, isn’t she?), but they could be if they wanted. The prettier you are, the more crazy you can get away with.

If Tom Cruise had gone a bit mad in his gay icon Top Gun phase we’d have forgiven him and he’d have been topless on the cover of Vanity Fair. Instead we (and every movie maker every to snort a line of coke) cross the street to avoid him and his Scientologist buddies. He’s not that pretty anymore, is he?

If you’re not convinced by my prettiness Vs crazy equation (PX10 = C), take a look at Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s sometimes really really pretty. And sometimes really really ugly. She’s also a little bit weird. But she’s not totally crazy. Because she’s not always pretty enough to carry it off. She’s treading a fine line that Gylenhaal woman. One step too far and she’ll be shaving her head and kissing her brother and we won’t forgive her for it. Instead we’ll point and laugh at her crazy ways until she sorts herself out with a bit of slap and nice dress.

Then we’ll forget aaaaaall about it.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Sian Meades from the wonderful Domesticsluttery.com, which you should probably all visit now.

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9 - You know how Oprah Winfrey is trying to lose weight? Yeah, she’s an idiot – Oprah

8 - Great, now that swine flu isn’t as bad as everyone thinks, we can all worry about catching this lot instead – Foreignpolicy

7 – Facial hair in movies: a retrospective – Unreality.

6 - A video of a boat. No, wait, it’s a good video – Flickr

5 - Seven places where you have pooed - Regretfulmorning

4 – We may have already shown you this, but it’s made us want to a) stop eating meat and b) never witness childbirth – Gizmodo

3 – Some people dressed as funny things for the London marathon. Look – Buzzfeed

2 - Want to draw a red fox in the snow? OK! - Instructables

1 - Missed seeing the abject terror on Britney Spears‘ face when that guy got up on stage with her? Then you’ll be needing this…

Why do people go to Britney Spears concerts? Surely there are only two reasons. One, obviously, is to escape the rain.

Or maybe it’s because they actually like Britney Spears. It’s confusing – even Britney Spears seems a little repulsed by the idea that some people aren’t utterly terrified of her, which is why she had a man arrested on Sunday for getting up on stage with her.

Fair’s fair, though – by being onstage the fan technically became a back-up dancer and would have therefore been contractually obliged to get Britney Spears pregnant. If anything, she was saving him some bother.

When you’re famous, your fans tend to become a perfect reflection of yourself. That’s why, say, Stephen Fry fans are all bookish and erudite, Jeremy Clarkson fans are all essentially self-righteous dinner party bores and Britney Spears fans all seem like barmy, boggle-eyed, froth-mouthed mentals who shouldn’t be left alone with a pair of scissors on the off-chance that they’d end up plunging them deep into their genitals in the middle of a hapless sexual misadventure.

The evidence is there for all to see – there’s the shrieking ‘Leave Britney Alone’ man, for example, and now there’s Kyle King. How much does Kyle King like Britney Spears? Enough to clamber up on stage with her during a concert and sort of jiggle about a bit in front of her for a couple of seconds, that’s how much. Because that’s exactly what he did on Sunday in Connecticut, and it’s why he was arrested for it. Here’s the chilling evidence in full…

Still, as ultimately pointless as this was, you have to admire Britney Spears’s steely professionalism, don’t you? All the time that Kyle King was rushing towards her like some sort of uselessly effete maniac, Britney didn’t let out a single cry for help, as King told Access Hollywood:

“She freaked me out because she was so scared,” King told Access. “She acted like I was going to hurt her or something.” Video clips showed Britney frantically waving her hands. However, her cries for help weren’t picked up by her microphone, most likely because it was turned off while she was lip synching. “I think it was kind of screaming, ‘Oh my god! Oh my god!’” King noted.

Oh alright then, Britney Spears was screaming for her life after all, but nobody heard it because her microphone’s only ever turned on when she feels like yelping inappropriately about her vagina.

But perhaps Britney’s people should do something about that, just in case any other wild-eyed infants suddenly decide to charge the stage without warning. Maybe Britney should go back to the studio and drop a few ad-libs into her prerecorded tour versions of her hits. Say, a terrified “Shit! I think he’s got a knife!” during the second chorus of Crazy and a hysterical “Oh God, oh God, I’m sorry for all the terrible things I’ve done in my life! Please forgive me baby Jesus!” between the third and fourth verses of I’m Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman should do the trick.

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Humanity could soon be wiped out by couple of Mexican pigs with the sniffles. But relax, Britney Spears is on it.

If Ryan Seacrest is right, then Britney Spears plans to repopulate the planet in her image – she’s apparently pregnant again. This means, in years to come, Britney Spears will be seen as Earth’s new Eve figure – identical to the old Eve but with worse skin, madder eyes and, somehow, even fewer clothes.

Anyway, Britney Spears is reportedly pregnant again. All that Eve stuff was a distraction to stop you howling in despair like we did when we found out.

You know how most performers exist on an album/tour/album/tour cycle? Not Britney Spears. She like to mix things up, which is why she’s currently in the middle of a gruelling album/tour/baby/baby/harrowing mental breakdown/vagina/album/tour/baby/vagina/breakdown/vagina/breakdown/vagina cycle. And the sharper among you will have noticed that, since Britney Spears is currently on tour, the next stop obviously involves a baby.

So let’s cut to the chase. Despite being so overwhelmingly controlled by her father that we genuinely wouldn’t be surprised to one day catch him with his hand up her bottom, Britney Spears is apparently pregnant again. And this news comes direct from Ryan Seacrest, so it must be true. MTV reports:

Britney Spears is said to be pregnant one more time following reports from the US. American idol host Ryan Seacrest broke the alleged news on his LA radio show where he claimed he heard the information from a ‘reliable source.’

So is Britney Spears pregnant? It’s hard to say – Britney’s rep has denied it, but who are we to argue with Ryan Seacrest? And determining how pregnant Britney Spears is has got a lot harder since she cleaned up her act – it’s not like we can wait for her to get out of a car in a miniskirt and check to see if there’s a tiny pair of hands and a terrified face jutting out of her clodge any more, is it?

And also, if Britney Spears is pregnant, who’s the father? Before this alleged pregnancy was announced, Britney Spears was being linked to all kinds of men. There was one of her backing dancers, for instance, along with her tour manager, a member of Good Charlotte and her ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Having said that, though, it shouldn’t be such a hard job to work out who the dad is – it’s just a case of working out the face you’d pull if an evening of fun that you’d entered into out of nothing more than ironic curiosity had suddenly turned into a lifetime of reluctant responsibility, and then matching it with the men we listed above.

Personally, though, we’re praying that the baby belongs to Kevin Federline. Not because we’re romantic or anything – but because if it isn’t, it’ll be so mentally advanced compared to Britney’s other two children that they’ll probably end up mistaking it for a robot and killing it before it even learns to speak.

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With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect.

How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.

Click here to launch the gallery

24 – Gisele

Fancy a ride?

23 – Kim Kardashian

Have you seen that sex tape?

22 – Vanessa Hudgens

Almost makes watching High School Musical worthwhile. No, what are we thinking? She doesn’t.

21 – Marissa Miller

A Sports Illustrated bikini model.

20 – Britney Spears

OK, so she’s nuts, but she used to be quite hot.

19 – Keeley Hazell

We can think of two reasons for her inclusion here.

18 – Hayden Panittiere

17 – Halle Berry

16 – Natalie Portman

The only reason anyone watched the Star Wars prequels.

15 – Shakira

Sexy, just don’t confuse her humble breasts for mountains.

14 – Evangeline Lilly

13 – Tricia Helfer

The sexiest toaster we’ve ever seen.

12 – Adriana Lima

We are just nuts about this Brazilian.

11 – Beyonce

That Jay-Z is a lucky chap.

10 – Scarlett Johannson

Seems like everyone’s got Scarlett fever.

9 – Elisha Cuthert

Back in 24, but is it better? No.

8 – Melissa Theuriau

Looks, she can even make earthquakes sexy.

7 – Allesandra Ambrosio

Ambrosio? Doesn’t that mean ‘food of the Gods’?

6 – Lena Heady

Makes us proud to be British.

5 – Megan Fox

What a, ahem, fox.

4 – Jessica Biel

Easy virtues? We wish.

3 – Tina Fey

Brains, beauty and funny. Perfect… almost.

2 – Angelina Jolie

Two words – grey wetsuit.

1 – Jessica Alba

We think we’re in love.

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Celebrity Stalking  is an art – one few have perfected.

We did though – don’t believe us? Then how do you explain us living in Dom DeLuise’s pantry for almost a month. Our trick was to dress as something that wasn’t food. It doesn’t really matter what – that’s the only stuff that used to make it back there. Around week three we found ourselves having surprisingly deep discussions with a broom. Go ahead – mock.

That broom was the truest of friends.

We’re an excellent stalker. The lady recently caught peeping through Britney Spears windows, on the other hand, is a sucky one.

When Paula Abdul’s stalker showed up dead in a trash can covered in nuts, gummi bears, and the entrails of what most thought was an otter (we’re fuzzy on the details), everyone was like ‘Wha….?!”

When Jamie Foxx’s stalker tried to get into the actor’s hotel room only to rub bums and exchange stomach hickeys (We’re fuzzy on the details again), the world said “Wha….?!” again, except louder. Figuratively louder, not actually louder. Because a hotel trespasser can’t really be more shocking that a dead girl covered in otter parts, right?

Britney’s stalker tops it though – she actually hollowed out the rear-half of a goat to make pants she could wear while trotting onto Spears’ property and whimsically playing a pan flute. This might sound odd at first – until you understand that for almost 15 minutes Wikipedia page recently said she was really in to Zamfir and mystical half-goat people from either Greek or Norse mythology.

The truth isn’t that interesting, actually. According to E! Online:

“A camouflage-clad woman was arrested for trespassing Thursday morning after allegedly sneaking into Britney Spears’ gated community and peeking through the windows of the singer’s Calabasas, Calif., home, E! News has confirmed. According to the Malibu/Lost Hills Station, an L.A. County Sheriff’s deputy arrested 26-year-old Miranda Tozier-Robbins on suspicion of trespassing and disorderly conduct after security guards spied her peeping into Spears’ abode.”

Tozier-Robbins really is a piss poor stalker though. Think about it – if the star’s not even home than you have absolutely no chance of said star seeing you from a distance and knowing concretely once and for all that you are the very person they want to spend their life with. Isn’t that the whole point of stalking anyway?

In a stalker’s perfect world that might be the case. In the real world, however, your more likely to be placed inside a huge microwave by a sleep-walking Dom DeLuise who won’t wake up even though you pound on the stupid door every time you spin past it.

That’s reality folks. That’s the stalking reality.