Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That’s brilliant! We’ve got some wonderful news for you – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that’s about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai.

Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she’ll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That’s right, Jennifer! That’ll show her!

You can tell how famous someone is by what they do in their free time. Do they star in television commercials? Then they’re not really that famous. Do they star in television commercials that are only broadcast in Japan? Then they’re a little more famous. Do they have their own perfume? Then they’re a little more famous than that. Do they spend most of their free time scouting third world countries for vulnerable-looking babies to steal? Then they must be top-rate celebrities.

But what if they’ve also got their own range of serpent-themed jewellery? Well, then they’re either a) obviously on the wane and desperately scrabbling around for their own guest spot on the QVC Affordable Sparkles hour or b) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

That’s right – now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can add jewellery design to their expanding portfolio of skills that already includes urban renewal, humanitarian work, adoption and starring in a long line of films that aren’t quite as good as you’d expect them to be. We’ll let People fill in the details:

The power couple has teamed with a top British jeweler to come up with a series of designs for everything from earrings, pendants, bangles, rings to a silver spoon and egg cup.  For Jolie, 34, the inspiration for the collection was obvious. While she was expecting Shiloh, she was given a special gift — a protective snake ring… Jolie has come to view the motif as something of a family guardian.

Oh good, because snakes are so famous for protecting people, aren’t they? Not biting people or strangling them or pumping them full of so much poison that they stop breathing or dislocating their jaws and swallowing them whole or anything like that. Honestly, snakes are rubbish at protecting people. Unless you’re being attacked by a mongoose, of course, but even then there’s a fighting chance that the snake and the mongoose would just gang up and double-team you to death. Snakes are bastards.

Anyway, we can’t be too rude about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s jewellery line because all proceeds will go to the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict. Honestly, we can’t imagine how much better would the world be if more people drew a picture of a teaspoon with a poxy snake hanging off it and then charged idiots $525 to buy one of them.

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This news is so important that you might need to spend the rest of the day pondering its gigantic consequences.

You see, Brad Pitt has grown a beard. Shocking, we know. But brace yourself, because that’s not quite it. You see, Brad Pitt has grown a slightly ratty beard. It’s so ratty that he’s actually braided it.

Remember this day. In years to come younger generations will ask you where you where when you realised that Brad Pitt had deliberately grown a bit of a manky beard. And now you can look them in the eye and say “I was reading the internet in my pants, son. I was reading the internet in my pants.”

Have you heard? Beards are in again! We know this because David Beckham has grown a beard, and everything he does is always in. That’s why being a bit thick, having a funny voice, marrying a bony idiot and giving your children such ridiculous names that they’ll grow up to hate you forever are also in this season.

But hooray! The beard is back! Chronic facial itching is back! Carrying scraps of food around on your face for days is back! Looking like a homeless old pensioner who no girl would ever even dream of kissing is back! Realising that being clean shaven is back and spending 90 minutes cluelessly hacking away at clumps of your beard with a patently ill-equipped razor until you’re left puffy-face, stubbly and covered in blood is back! And just to push this hot new trend along even further is Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt’s grown a beard! People reports:

Pitt, 45, was spotted in in Japan still wearing the metallic beads that adorned his billy-goat beard on Halloween night… leaving observers a little confused as to whether the beads were part of Pitt’s holiday outfit, a permanent fashion statement, or a remnant from a previous costume idea – perhaps a bit of Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean?

Now we don’t have the image rights to show you what Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like, so we’ll have to tell you instead. Brad Pitt’s new beard looks like…

* Gary Glitter’s old beard.

* The spirit of people who go to Glastonbury every year but refuse to see any of the bands.

* The remnants of a catastrophic goat fire.

* What you see when you hold a mirror between your legs and look down at the bit between your balls and your bumhole.

* The world’s most upsetting vagina.

* The deliberate actions of a man in the middle of a full-blown mid-life crisis.

* Clagnuts.

We don’t know about you, but now he’s brought back the nasty beard, we’re looking forward to seeing which trend Brad Pitt throws himself behind next. Let’s all cross our fingers and pray that it’s the trend of fulfilling your early promise as an actor.

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It must be International Fibbing Week or something, because it seems like untruths are spilling from celebrities, like soup from bearded tramp’s inebriated spluttering mouth. Yesterday Posh Spice said something about not being remotely thin. And today, it turns out that Angelina Jolie has been insisting to OK! Magazine –  the UK’s least discerning showbusiness pamphlet – that she’s completely normal. Not totally weird at all.

Only, she is totally weird. We know that.

Discussing her new role as mother to children with intriguing names – Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Knox, Vivienne – she breezily pointed out that she’s “just a dedicated mother, really quite normal.” Whilst obviously stretching the boundaries of what “normal” might be with a single sentence.

Some people would argue that dedicated, normal mothers probably didn’t marry their first husband – let’s call him Johnny Lee Miller - wearing a pair of tight rubber trousers, and a white shirt with his name scrawled on it in blood. Her blood. To hammer home the point – Jolie, normal, spent a good few minutes before her first wedding day cutting herself, then romantically spattering the groom’s name all over a crisp white blouse. Possibly cackling loudly as she went. Most girls would probably settle for a nice white dress, with a zany veil attached. Or, if they’re feeling unusual and wacky, something wild – like a cream dress.

Also rather less than normal was the time the actress married Billy Bob Thornton – her second three-named groom – and thought it best that they both carried a vial of one another’s blood around their necks. The woman, it seems, equates blood with romance. Again, this could be considered rather less than usual behaviour. 

Yes, quite a few mums do have tatts these days. Normally something classy, like a butterfly at the small of their back – which, it has been pointed out, might as well be a bull’s eye – or a small dolphin happily swimming around on their stomach. But Jolie has taken tatts on mothers to another level, with bits of Buddhist Sanskrit, latin proverbs, roman numerals, entire history lectures, sculptures, numerous paintings, and a small donations box. The woman is like a big fleshy museum, who could probably home school her children with just the contents of the artwork on her back.

And, rounding off the list of things that make Angelina Jolie considerably less normal than the rest of the world is that she’s a regular bed partner to Brad Pitt. Him a lusted after screen hunk, her seemingly popular in a sexual sense with both men and women. So please, Jolie, don’t say you’re “normal”. If you’re normal, the rest of us are screwed.

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You can say a lot of things about Quentin Tarantino – mainly about his great big stupid chin if you like – but don’t say he never learns.

Remember Valkerie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler but bollocks it all up? Not a great big hit at the weekend box office. But Inglourious Basterds, the movie where Brad Pitt tries to kill Hitler and then does, is a super duper number one hit at the weekend box office.

Or maybe it’s because everyone really wanted to see what Eli Roth is like as an actor. No? No, we didn’t think so either.

Inglourious Basterds is the new number one movie at the weekend box office, and presumably that’s because it contains a perfect storm of ingredients – Brad Pitt’s box office pull, Quentin Tarantino’s visual flair, the average hecklerspray commenter’s gross inability to spell two simple words correctly and utter, utter mind-bending boredom. Yes, that’s probably it. Anyway, here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Inglourious Basterds (Wow, it looks like deliberate misspelling is the hot new craze at the moment. Let’s try it – Inglourious Basterds iz a pyle off furkken shet. Hey, it’s fun!) $32,602.000

2 - District 9 (Peter Jackson had a hand in producing this. It’s hard to tell though, because nobody who’s seen it has lapsed into a tedium-induced coma three and a half hours into it yet) $18,900,000

3 - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra (Again, we really must state that – despite the suggestive title - GI Joe: Rise Of Cobra isn’t a porn movie. Sienna Miller doesn’t make porn movies. She probably will in a few years to fund the drug addiction she’ll develop when she realises that starring in a hokey second-rate action film about some toys is as good as her career will ever get, but she doesn’t yet) $12,500,000

4 - The Time Traveler’s Wife (Soon to be made into a TV show, if reports are to be believed. Presumably it’ll be just like Quantum Leap, only for shitheads) $10,025,000

5 - Julie & Julia (You know what’d be funny? If Julie & Julia starred Julie Andrews and Julia Roberts. Or Julie Martin from Neighbours in the mid-1990s and the Beatles song Julia. Or bloody something) $9,000,000

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9 - Dear BBC, last week you introduced the best character in the history of EastEnders. More of him please – Watch With Mothers

8 - If you want to rot in fairly close proximity to a fairly famous completely dead cadaver, and you have an eBay account, this is your lucky day – Scumbag Millionaire

7 – Rio Ferdinand in ‘likes music but is entirely self-unaware’ shock – My Chemical Toilet

6 - Some cool kids. Some frighteningly cool kids – Interestment

5 – Brad Pitt talks drugs in a way that’s far less interesting than we’ve made it sound – Amy Grindhouse

4 - A boy dancing in the Apple store, completely unaware that this is as good as his life is ever going to get – Best Week Ever

3 - This video takes a while to get going, but is absolutely worth your attention – Geekologie

2 – MERRY CHRISTMAS!! – Shouting At Cows

1 - This just in: Patrick Wolf is a bit of a cock…

When Henry VIII wrote his first Sherlock Holmes story on the severed necks of his dead wives sometime in the 1500s, he likely had no idea how long his sleuth would endure.

Yet here it is, some 500 years later and we’re still making movies out of him. And how, you might ask, can this next incarnation possibly seem fresh after all these years? Why, as best as we can tell they’re tying in Iron Man or something.

Also – they’re bringing in Brad Pitt. Or they’re not. But they are. Or they’re not.

Well it’s official – Brad Pitt is playing the part of Sherlock Holmes’ winged, semi-robot nemesis James Moriarty. We know this because it was reported by the Mirror:

“[Guy Ritchie] got in a right pickle with movie execs when they clapped eyes on the rough cut of his latest film… and felt like re-titling it the Mystery of the Missing Moriarty. They ordered the director to reinstate the great Holmes’ evil nemesis, pronto…Desperate for help, Guy phoned his old mucker Brad, who had starred in his gangster flick Snatch. Fortunately, Brad, 45, had a couple of days free in his busy schedule to pop over to Blighty to play the evil criminal mastermind.”

Sounds like a great idea – after all, look what Pitt did for Benjamin Button. Yeah – we’re talking real class here. Another reason adding him as an entirely new character last minute is brilliant is because we’ve heard it’s a sign of tremendous greatness when a script gets completely overhauled after it’s been 90% filmed.

That’s probably why it ends up the Pitt rumour is false. E! News says:

“By Jove, Brad Pitt is not—repeat not—snooping around the set of Sherlock Holmes. Warner Bros. is shooting down a widely disseminated newspaper report that the Hollywood hunk is planning to shoot a cameo as Moriarty, the archfoe of Robert Downey Jr.’s pipe-toking supersleuth. “The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we’re extremely pleased with the production of the film,” a studio-sanctioned statement says.”

Well that’s too bad – because we’d already envisioned a terrific slow-motion bear fight Brad could have had in the end just as the credits rolled. The bear wouldn’t have been hurt, of course, but with the right CGI there could have been blood all over the place – now that’s a movie!

Actually, it’s probably best that Pitt doesn’t star with Downey on the film. After all, he’s a committed family man now, and the last thing anybody wants to hear is that he’s leaving Angie because a home-wrecking Robert is pregnant with Brad Jr.

That’s what happens on Pitt films, you know. Somebody always gets pregnant.

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Brad Pitt’s talents are limitless – making Jennifer Aniston cry, not being quite good enough at acting to win an Oscar.

Actually, that’s about it. OR IS IT? Because Brad Pitt might be about to run for mayor of New Orleans. And by ‘about to’ we mean ‘has definitely denied wanting to’, but let’s not get a stupid fact mess things up, shall we? Brad Pitt is totally going to be the mayor of New Orleans!

Obviously it’s a front Brad Pitt to snatch the city’s children and raise them as his own, but that doesn’t matter. Brad Pitt! Squee!

You may be aware of the completely imaginary competition between Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie to see who can promote their new movie in the most preposterous way. Up until now it’s actually been a lot of fun to witness – Jennifer Aniston usually gets all “I hate Angelina Jolie“ and Angelina Jolie retaliates by getting all “Hey Jennifer, look at these babies I’m breastfeeding! Guess where they came from? That’s right – BRAD PITT’S BALLS!” – but now Brad Pitt has waded in and spoilt everything.

Because to promote Inglourious Basterds, Brad Pitt has decided to heavily imply that he might soon run for mayor of New Orleans. Now that’s not as mental as it seems – not only does Brad Pitt have a home there but he’s also committed to rebuilding swathes of the hurricane-ravaged city – but, still, how are Angelina and Jennifer going to top that? Unless Angelina Jolie gets crowned as queen of Namibia or Jennifer Aniston goes out and punches a unicorn unconscious, Brad’s got this all sewn up.

Not that Brad Pitt is actually running for mayor of New Orleans, of course – he’d much rather be vague and enigmatic about it all, as Today’s Ann Curry found out this week. The Chicago Tribune reports:

When asked if he has considered a run, Pitt replied semiseriously, “Yeah, I’m running on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform.” Curry pressed Pitt, asking him if he was serious. “I don’t have a chance,” Pitt said repeatedly, seeming to evade the question. Curry asked again, and Pitt finally said, “No, that’s not what I do best.”

Thank God. A figure like Brad Pitt can achieve so much more if he remains independent of the political community. He can change the world in so many ways – via his charitable work, his campaigning for gay rights, his uncomfortably violent revenge fantasy movies about smashing up Nazis with baseball bats – that it’d be a shame if he became a mayor or a governor or the president of America or anything stupid like that.

So if Brad Pitt isn’t serious about becoming mayor of New Orleans, the competition is back on. Great – Jennifer Aniston’s got a film out next month, and we hear she’s planning to run for Archbishop of Canterbury. She’d look good with a beard.

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Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in.

It’s true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn’t true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis – but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood’s top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.

We know what you’re thinking – where’s Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt’s magic wand willy is that magic, OK?

If you need us at any point over the weekend, we’ll be at Brad Pitt’s house. You’ll be able to tell who we are – we’ll be dressed in a slinky frock like the one Bugs Bunny wears when he tries to woo Elmer Fudd, and we’ll be trotting up and down Brad’s driveway with half our bum hanging out and three packets of Rohypnol in our handbag.

Because, lord, look at the statistics. The last two people who Brad Pitt slept with were probably Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have just been named as the top two highest-earning actresses in Hollywood. So it’s definitely worth trying to have sex with Brad Pitt. True, we might end up being dealt a rubbish hand like Gwyneth Paltrow was and end up getting married to a whining gonk from a crap band, but that’s a chance we’d be prepared to take.

Because Brad Pitt must be the reason why Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have done so will in this Forbes list. He must be. Look at the films that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have released in the last year – some cack about a dog, a gormless procession of slow motion explosions, a Ben Affleck film and an over-serious lot of piff that involved little more than wearing a hat and shrieking “Where’s my son?” seven hundred billion times in a row – you can’t seriously tell us that people liked any of those, can you?

But, hey, what do we know? Forbes reports:

Between June 2008 and June 2009, Jolie earned an estimated $27 million. Much of that came from her share of the profits on Wanted, but she also scored a fat upfront check for Salt. Coming in second behind Jolie is Jennifer Aniston. Aniston earned $25 million.

We should probably point out that there’s still a vast gender gulf when it comes to Hollywood earnings. Angelina Jolie might have earnt $27 million in the last year, but that’s nothing compared to the $65 million that Harrion Ford earnt in the same period of time. And he earnt it for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. What sort of sick world is this?

But back to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. What are they going to spend all their money on? Well, there’s a chance that Angelina Jolie will dedicate a portion of it to her various philanthropic works. And Jennifer Aniston? Well that army of winged monkeys won’t train itself to attack Angelina Jolie by smell alone by itself, will it?

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Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way.

We’re not experts, so we don’t know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple.

Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.

There’s no doubting Angelina Jolie’s power, is there? Obviously that’s reliant on the assumption that you equate someone’s power with their ability to a) weedle in on their boyfriend’s fame, b) sporadically go to Africa to pull sad faces for the paparazzi and c) professionally alternate between making lowbrow films that nobody likes and highbrow films that nobody watches, but whatever.

It doesn’t matter what you think about Angelina Jolie, because she’s powerful. No, scrap that – she’s all-powerful. Cross Angelina Jolie and she’ll summon up the energy from the universe and kill you with a blast of electricity that comes straight out of her eyes. Or, you know, she’ll get her bodyguard to beat you up a bit. They’re essentially the same thing.

How do we know that Angelina Jolie is so powerful? Because Forbes magazine says she is. Angelina has made the top spot of Forbes‘ annual Celebrity 100 list, beating off the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Orange out of Take That, Carol Vorderman, the woman off the Claims Direct advert and Ghandi. Why is Angelina Jolie so powerful? We’ll let AP explain that:

The actress grabbed the No. 1 spot on the magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which ranks the rich and famous based on media exposure and career earnings over the past year. Jolie, a reigning tabloid fixture, earned $27 million, bumping her up from third place on last year’s list, Forbes said, adding that she wields more power due to high-profile turns in hit films such as “Wanted” and “Kung Fu Panda.”

Oh, that makes sense. Last year, after all, Angelina Jolie starred in Wanted, Changeling and Kung Fu Panda, so let that be a lesson to anyone who wants the sort of power that Angelina Jolie currently wields – you need to star in one identikit action film with a pointlessly generic title, one over-long piece of failed Oscar bait where all you need to do is cry and repeat “I want to find my son” endlessly for two and a half hours, and a quite-good film in which you neither physically appear or have much to do with at all.

Oh, and shack up with Brad Pitt. That last one’s probably key.

Still, Angelina Jolie being named as the world’s most powerful celebrity isn’t all bad news. It almost certainly means that Jennifer Aniston is going to do something properly mental any minute now. And bloody well hooray for that.

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All eyes have been at Cannes this week and if the sight of the bikini clad sleaze wasn’t enough to draw attention to the town, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie swanned in to put the place on the front page.

Who cares about films when you can have really, really, really good looking people around…

Meanwhile Terminator Salvation has been seen and received the critical mauling of someone using a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. Also everyone is talking about the new internet site that tells you when to piss in the middle of a movie. Seemingly people are overlooking that fact that it spoils major points in films and are hailing it as some sort of revelatory bladder-relieving miracle.

Back to Cannes though for the big news of the week…

Headlines:

Inconsequential Grammar:

The mass critical circle-jerk has begun for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds as it screened in Cannes this week. Being hailed as another triumph from QT, this WWII set drama stars Brad Pitt as a leader of a group of soldiers who go about scalping Nazis. Because glorified violence is fine, as long as it’s against those god-damned un-human German Nazis! Grrrr!

Space Rogan Josh:

If Seth Rogan wasn’t polluting every American comedy/animated movie currently released between 2007-present, he has now managed to cross both the Atlantic and the Galaxy! Announced as the voice of the alien in the upcoming Pegg/Frost penned movie Paul, he plays their E.T. companion after escaping from Area 51. If it was a Rob Schneider movie nobody would give a shit.

Palme d’Bore:

This years Cannes Film Festival comes to a close with a bunch of films that you’ll never hear of again scooping the top prizes. Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon was the obvious Palme d’Or winner (apparently). Elsewhere Inglourious Basterds picked up an acting win and Ken Loach picked up another award that will surely appear mundane and bitter to him.

I ain’t ‘fraid of no childhood raping:

Dan Akroyd spills some more beans about the upcoming Ghostbusters sequel currently being scripted. Apparently involving a spunky female leader who we’ll ‘love’ and some neuron splitters and inter-planet interceptors that let the new ‘busters slip from dimension to dimension… We’ll leave that one with you.

Must See This Week:

Drag Me To Hell:

If you like your horror slick and stylish then you can’t do better than Sam Raimi’s return to the genre. After creating to superb Evil Dead trilogy, old Sam has been passing the time making some guff about a kid with spider-like super-powers – Boring! Now back where he belongs, he gives this horror all his visual panache, wit and trademark Oldsmobile.

Must Not See This Week:

Angels & Demons:

Nothing else is quite leaving the cinema aisles with the same dual action stench of zero characterisation and stale pacing like Angels and Demons. Add a sidekick that makes you long for another Hanks/Volleyball collaboration there is little to like. Not even Hanks in a Speedo can save this!

Video Corner:

Fantastic video from Black20; Transforminators leaves us speechless to its utter genius that we will let it do the talking. Top marks for spot-on Bale impersonation as well.

Any comments or videos you want us to shout out? E-mail us at filmfoam@hotmail.co.uk

[story by David Scarborough]

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There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble.

The second is that their marriage is fine. The third – the school we subscribe to – goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won’t you make it stop shut up.

So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.

Over the years, we’ve come to expect a lot from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – be it their continued smash-and-grab trolley dash of an adoption strategy, or the birth of The Most Beautiful Human On Earth, or – at the very least – a relentless, petty dismissal of Jennifer Aniston’s worth as a human being.

But lately Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given us none of this. They haven’t even instructed their bodyguards to rough up some photographers in a fit of power-crazed Roman Emperor-style bloodlust lately. Honestly, it’s like the fight’s gone out of them.

However, if you read any of the one-word weekly women’s magazines like Heat or Look or OK or Guff or Clodge or Spaz or Gurrrrrrr, then you’ll know exactly why this is – it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. No, really, they are. They’re definitely splitting up because they work too hard and Brad Pitt’s parents still like Jennifer Aniston and one of them wants more kids and the other one doesn’t and they’re definitely splitting up. You know, just like how they were definitely splitting up in 2006.

In truth, nobody knows if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.

But despite this, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening in Cannes awkwardly snogging like a couple of socially-incompetent 13-year-olds at a school disco, just to prove that they can still just about stand each other. The Sun reports:

At the aftershow party they gave every impression of togetherness but there appeared to be awkwardness between them. They sat together and Angie put her hand on Brad’s thigh yet he is seen looking away and appears distracted. Then at one point Brad looked as if he went to kiss his partner – and she seemed to pull away.

So what does this mean? Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making a hamfisted stab at romance in an attempt to prove their detractors wrong? Or did the glare of the world’s press simply ruin their mojo? If you ask us – and you should – then our timely and scholarly response would be this: shut up shut up shut up stop going on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie all the titting time shut up shut up look we’ve got our fingers in our ears we can’t hear you LALALALALALALA shut up shut up.

Which, we think you’ll find, is fairly comprehensive.

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Jennifer Aniston’s co-stars have every right to be scared. Star in a film with Jennifer Aniston and one of two things will happen.

Number one – you’ll do an Owen Wilson and attempt suicide. Number two – you’ll end up getting romantically entangled with her. We honestly couldn’t say which one of these sounds worse.

Luckily Bradley Cooper didn’t have this dilemma – he’s reportedly having it away with Jennifer Aniston, possibly right now. In fact, Bradley Cooper is being called Jennifer Aniston’s new Brad Pitt – so we’re especially looking forward to the moment where he leaves her for someone younger and prettier.

He’s Just Not That Into You was a great film, wasn’t it? Not for you, or for us, or for anyone else who actually paid money to go and see it – because if we had to put it in a pigeonhole we’d say it was more ‘relentless, unending torture seemingly doled out by a hateful god that’s left us with a litany of conspicuous emotional scars’ than ‘great film’ – but for Jennifer Aniston.

Because not only did He’s Just Not That Into You reaffirm Jennifer Aniston’s position as queen of really awful, objectively meritless films that would be more at home on daytime television, but it might have just found her a new boyfriend too. According to rumours, Jennifer Aniston and her co-star Bradley Cooper have been getting closer and closer lately. The New York Post reports:

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper sure did act strangely at Tuesday’s party for Aniston’s new flick, “Management,” at Table 8. He and Aniston flirted up a storm while Cooper’s ex, Jennifer Esposito, angrily drank Svedka near the bar. “Bradley and Jennifer [Aniston] were definitely into each other,” says a partygoer. “She kept touching his chest and whispering in his ear.” The pair left 10 minutes apart

Oh, this all happened at a party for Jennifer Aniston’s new movie? That’s such bad luck – it’s almost as if Jennifer Aniston can’t find love with a similarly high-profile celebrity unless she’s got a film coming out. There was Vince Vaughn with The Break-Up and John Mayer with Marley And Me, and now Bradley Cooper with Management.

It makes us sad for her – she’s got to spend the next few weeks going out of her way to promote this new movie any way she can, but now she’s lumbered with this handsome rising star that she appears to share a nonspecific romantic attachment with. Honestly, is the paparazzi really going to be interested in photographing something like that?

Still, though, we’d like to pass our best wishes onto Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper. They’ve really got their work cut out for them – they’ve got to be photographed frolicking on a beach, then split up, then get back together, then almost get married, then grow suspicious of each others’ relationship with their respective exes and split up for good, and all by the time that Management gets released on DVD. They’ll barely be able to fit it all in – and we haven’t even mentioned the string of phantom pregnancies that Jennifer Aniston is bound to experience before then. What a nightmare.

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Like creaming themselves over Brad Pitt. Wait, no, hang on, what? Even though it’s probably right at the very bottom of their priority list – just after ’stop the world slumping into an irreversible environmental and financial catastrophe’ and ‘buy more milk for the fridge’ – the entire US government froze up yesterday so that Brad Pitt could chat to senior politicians, including the actual president, about charity.

Next week: Jennifer Aniston shouts at the Lithuanian interior minister through a megaphone about her fingernails.

Oh you silly celebrities. Don’t you understand? It’s over. The election is over. You don’t have to manoeuvre yourself into having hardline political stances about things you don’t really understand any more. Everything’s reverted back to normal – people care more about how fat Britney Spears’ arms are instead of politics again. Balance has been restored.

So that means no more spinning around in your garden, no more nauseatingly sincere promise videos, no more pretending that you care about anything other than how many photos of yourself you can get in magazines at any one time. It’s business as usual again. So someone should probably point that out to Brad Pitt if they get the chance.

Because Brad Pitt spent yesterday in Washington, having a number of meetings with the likes of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and the actual bloody president of America about his Make It Right charity. Or at least that was the plan – by the sound of it Brad Pitt may have spent most of the day skipping over puddles of overexcited menopausal urine instead. AP reports:

Pitt’s superpowers are such that he and President Barack Obama pulled off an improbably secret meeting, White House spokesman Thomas F. Vietor confirmed. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was not immune to his charms. Praising Pitt for his work to rebuild New Orleans’ hurricane-ravaged 9th Ward, she even allowed that meeting him affords her “bragging rights to my children and my grandchildren — a real treat for me as well.”

Now to be fair, Brad Pitt probably does have the qualifications to discuss charity with the American government, having played an impressively active part in the rebuilding of New Orleans, but now the floodgates have opened, and an unfortunate precedent has been set.

Don’t these politicians know about the egos on these moviestars. If Brad Pitt can meet the president for half an hour, then Tom Cruise will have to meet him for 45 minutes and Leonardo DiCaprio will have to meet him for an hour. The next thing you know, President Obama’s having to spend three whole months stuck in the Rochester branch of Starburger discussing cloud formations with Joe Pasquale.

Is that what you want, America? Is it really?

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9 - 24 Twitter birds, all of which are far lovelier than the original – Luclatulippe

8 – So HERE’s why U2 have been killing themselves promoting their new album – Popjustice

7 - And now, the world’s most exuberant Bon Jovi fan – Best Week Ever

6 - Some giant paper robots having a fight – Vimeo

5 - Want to make an Ottomon out of a suitcase? OK! - Instructables

4 - There’s a Twilight board game. We’re scared – The Hater

3 - Visual proof that Jennifer Aniston has left the country – Popsugar

2 - Apparently Danny Boyle is doing My Fair Lady next as well – EW

1 - How long before this appears on a commercial? Answers in milliseconds, please…

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night’s Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years.

They didn’t fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie’s face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum’s a slag before chanting the word ’scrap’ until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.

Forget all the hoo-ha about Slumdog Millionaire and Sean Penn and Hugh Jackman, because there was only one way to watch the Oscars popular this year – a full-on, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, vaguely-lesbian catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet.

And it could have happened, too – as we’ve already reported, last night’s Oscars saw Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie forced together in a way not seen since we read some disturbingly specialist fan fiction about them the other week.

Would Jennifer Aniston still be so filled with bitterness about her divorce from Brad Pitt that she’d fling herself at Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet and start punching away? Would Angelina Jolie respond by turning her arm into a Terminator-style metal spike and pushing it through Jennifer Aniston’s skull? Literally about 12 people on the internet were breathless with anticipation.

However, while the long-awaited physical fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie didn’t transpire at the Oscars, that didn’t stop the producers from doing their best to give the people what they want. Last night, Jennifer got to introduce a segment with Jack Black and – as Oscars segment-introduction tradition dictates – Jennifer Aniston was nervous, stilted, awkward and unfunny for the duration of it.

So what one thing could compound Jennifer Aniston’s fear even further during her time on stage? That’s right, multiple close-ups of Angelina Jolie’s great big face. Fox News reports:

Oscar telecast producers panned to Brad and Angelina not once, but twice, as a visibly nervous Aniston did her schtick. In the first pan to Brangelina, Jolie was gamely guffawing as Aniston, whom Pitt left in 2005 in order to be with Jolie, hammed it up. In the second pan, the couple looked on with the bemused half-grins we’ve come to know from literally thousands of paparazzi pics over the past three years.

Depending on who you are, Angelina Jolie’s cutaway reactions to Jennifer Aniston will mean completely different things. Team Jolie will praise Angelina for smiling at Jennifer with grace and dignity, while team Aniston will think that Angelina was laughing at Jennifer’s discomfort like some sort of awful witch.

The truth? Nobody knows. What we do know, though, is that if producers really wanted to turn the Oscars into an episode of Jerry Springer, then they really needed to put a little triangle in the corner of the screen reading ‘Hey bitch, I stole your husband and we both think you’re an asshole’ while a podgy redneck whoops and takes his shirt off. And they didn’t even invite Tim Allen to the show as far as we know. A trick missed, Oscars, a trick missed.

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