Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

During a recent interview (who honestly cares who with), Gwyneth decided to open up about her love life, and dropped a tidbit for everyone to get vaguely excited about.

She said:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time.”

OOOOH! Cheating! We love cheating! Have you seen Cheaters? Have you seen the one where presenter Joey Greco gets stabbed? It’s brilliant.

Anyway, Gwyn continued:

“I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

A cellular level. Got it. She wasn’t finished though. She continued, talking about cheating in general:

“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Yeah, whatever. We don’t care about your views on cheating! We want to know who kept having it off with other people behind your back!

Of course, it can’t be Chris Martin because he’s not an ex (he’s a current, unless we’ve missed a gigantic story/opportunity to really mock someone’s pain). And so, we look to people she’s stepped out with.

Hello Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt. We’re looking dead-on at you and deciding which one we trust the least. Or indeed, deciding which one of you we assume couldn’t bear to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s meek sex-noises and such.

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?

Bradley Cooper!

Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?

That’s right! Bradley Cooper from… uh… ummm… that thing… ah… and Ryan Reynolds who… ummm… was in… he, ah… ummm…

Anyway, they’ve been declared the Sexiest Men Alive by People. That’s People Magazine, not some random people we asked on the street.

Cooper, who was totally brilliant when he was in that thing we saw… well… he was pretty sexy anyway, said of this dubious accolade:

“The first thing I thought [when I was named Sexiest Man Alive] was, ‘My mother is going to be so happy”

Now Cooper is the Sexiest Man On Earth, his mum will, by law, have to start being sexually attracted to her own son. What a weird and sexy scenario.

In addition to Sexy Cooper, the list also features, Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba, Justin Theroux, Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin, Dylan McDermott, and Ryan Gosling who is still staring into the middle-distance looking like someone working out a tricky maths problem.

How amazingly sexy this all is.

WAIT! BRADLEY COOPER HAS A WONKY EYE LIKE ALFRED E. NEUMAN FROM MAD MAGAZINE! That’s so not sexy. That’s anti-sexy. Like a German reading a phonebook.

Blecch.

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Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Well, it appears that the feuding pair have called a truce and now, Angelina and Jane Pitt are acting like adults. Nice adults. Not those fighting adults.

Six long years these tits have been at it!

Why? Well, Jane, reportedly criticised Angelina’s mothering skills when she threw some kind of dreary children’s party for those babies they stole from some undernourished country. That ‘degenerated into a bitter showdown’.

Sources told NOW magazine:

“Ever since Brad got together with Angie, her poor relationship with his mom has been hanging over them like a dark cloud.”

They continued:

“Jane adored Jen and was devastated when Brad left her for Ange. It didn’t help that Ange’s attitude was pretty much: ‘Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am who I am – just deal with it.’ “

You can picture her saying it can’t you? Puce faced, tight-lipped sneering mother glaring at faux-sass indignant Hollywood bozo stood beside a greying Brad Pitt who wishes they’d both just piss off.

At least they’re all playing nice though, eh?

BUT NO-ONE CARES! EVEN US WHO ARE WRITING THIS GODAWFUL ARTICLE. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE US FOR WASTING YOUR STINKING TIME?

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Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out £1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

All the suffering and hurt in the world weighed heavy on her shoulders as she quickly flicked through the racks, splashing out a admin monkey’s monthly wage on a number of pieces, including a mustard camisole, whatever the shit that is.

As well as worrying about the poor and needy, she was flanked by her stolen children, a bodyguard and personal assistant to help her carry the bags to her expensive car.

How wretched Jolie’s existence is.

And she’s not getting married. Nosiree. Jolie told Vanity Fair this week that she was not planning a secret wedding or anything like that, adding:

‘I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment.’

She’s far too busy acting like Bono for any of that nonsense.

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Celebrities have always endorsed tat to make a bit of extra coin for themselves. They’re a brazen bunch, willing to sign up to almost anything. It’s almost impressive really. They’re nakedly greedy and don’t mind showing it off.

From Iggy Pop’s dodgy insurance commercials to Chubby Checker endorsing his own beef jerky, there’s always someone trying to steal a coin from your pocket.

However, marketing and pop culture – as intertwined as they may be – don’t mix too well sometimes. This is why we’re going to have a look at some of the more peculiar celebrity endorsements.

Of course, when compiling lists such as this, there will always be omissions.

So, here’s the bit where we say: Have we missed your favourite out? If so, stop your stupid whining and tell us about it in the comments so we can all see just how brilliant you are. Okay?

Is that all cleared up now?

Should bloody think so too. Complaining swine.

Anyway, this is mere fluff, designed to wrap the text around this stupid advert we’ve got in the middle of our articles.

Let us proceed in watching some videos shall we?

Warren G Helps You With Your Erection Problems

We we heard that Nate Dogg and the G Child were in need of something eeeeelse, we didn’t know it was cock-drops, administered while the G-Funker was on the pan taking a dump. Expert advertising.

Rolling Stones Sell Cereal

Who would have ever thought that The Rolling Stones were money obsessed! It is really very surprising news for all concerned!

Mikhail Gorbachev Sells Junk Food

Oh look! The Cold War was ended by Mikhail’s fondness for pizza! And no, he hasn’t spilled a bit of the tomato base on his head, you monsters.

James Brown Sells Noodle Soup

While JB making a fast buck ain’t nothing to jerk in astonishment over, the commercial itself really is. Absolutely baffling.

Andy Warhol… well… uh…

This. This is a very strange commercial indeed.

Ringo Starr Joins The Monkees

What do you get if you cross The Beatles and The Monkees? The Byrds? Who knows? This started off as a joke, but alas, we didn’t think of a proper punchline. You’re being warned with peace and love and all that.

OJ Simpson’s Car Commercial

OJ Simpson’s most famous moment is… well… probably that bit in Naked Gun when he has an accident in a wheelchair. His second most known spot was when he went on the run from the law in a motorcar. Funny then, that he did an advert for car hire.

Dusty Flogs Bread

Possibly the greatest voice in pop gets to sing about Mothers Pride bread. Seems a bit daft. Still, not nearly as daft as when Blue sang about Mother’s Pride in their hit, ‘All Rise’.

Brad Pitt wants you to buy loads of crisps

Look! It’s Brad Pitt from Seven and Twelve Monkeys. What a fine, fine actor he is! He really gets to show his thespian skills in this Pringles spot.

Bruce Willis sells something or other

We’ve no idea what it is that Bruce is selling here, but we do know that it is both wet and dry, as well as giving Willis the ability to do a cheeky little ballet move at 0.12 in this commercial

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In further evidence that the world has entirely lost it’s mind, the actress Angelina Jolie – who plays make-believe for a living – was last night awarded the Heart of Sarajevo purportedly for her “active engagement in the complexities of the real world”.

As the Cyborg 2 star tearfully accepted the award, the rest of the world was reminded of the moment the satirist Tom Lehrer resigned after Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the height of the Vietnam War, claiming that satire had just become obsolete.

Applauding Hollywood’s most high-profile blood-vial wearing nut-job for her grasp of “the complexities of the real world” is like applauding a toddler for its grasp of the complexities of nuclear fission. Her own father claimed she had “serious mental problems” for God’s sake.

The Kung Fu Panda star attended her first wedding in black rubber pants and a white T-shirt, upon which she had written the groom’s name in her blood, claimed she almost hired a hitman to kill him, and was sectioned for three days at UCLA’s psychiatric ward shortly before marrying Billy Bob Thornton.

BILLY BOB THORNTON.

If the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow star lived round our estate she’d rightly be a social pariah, not have people queuing up to pin awards on her crazy-ass self.

Anyway, apparently she’s made some film about how it’s, like, a bit grim and that in Bosnia, and they’re all chuffed about it. Which is news to the rest of the world who – prior to Jolie’s selfless intervention – thought that the whole country was like a sort of giant Center Parcs or something.

We’re with Tom Lehrer on this one.

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Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

In the interests of complete transparency of the British press, we review the evidence in more detail…

First of all, this ‘mystery woman’. Just who is she, what is her job, why is she occasionally seen near Brad?

There seem to be few indications, other than the fact that she has only been photographed on the film set where she seems a constant presence, prominently wearing a production-staff ID around her neck and a copy of the shooting schedule clipped to her belt. THERE JUST AREN’T ANY CLUES! It’s almost like she works there or something.

Why are they spending so much time together? According to a ‘source’, “they’re always hanging out during filming and laughing.” What can this mean? Why only during filming? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! And what’s with all this laughing? What can the millionaire Brad Pitt possibly have to laugh about?

And of course, the truly damning piece of evidence – the arm-touching photo.

Oh do you know what, we can’t be bothered. We’re going to go out on a limb(!) and say that a female production runner on forthcoming film World War Z had to grab the arm of doe-eyed imbecile Brad Pitt to steer him in the direction of his next scene, if only to prevent him repeatedly banging into a brick wall with mounting confusion like the over-grown toddler he actually is.

And that a gossip rag more contemptible than even us has published the picture and is now encouraging it’s readers to wonder if Angelina now feels the way Jennifer Aniston did when Brad was merrily bursting Jolie on set. Classy.

We’re going to stake our reputation on the belief that Brad Pitt is not having an affair. And that Brad Pitt’s arm is not having an affair with a woman’s hand. And – very importantly – that Brad Pitt’s penis is not having an affair with a woman’s inner vaginal walls.

That last part is DEFINITELY not the case.

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Initially, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren’t bothering to get married because… well… it is a completely redundant institution for those who are petrified of being lonely, compelled to contractually oblige someone to stay with them, rather than, y’know, continue to make an effort.

That and they didn’t want to get married while there were gays in the world that weren’t being afforded the opportunity.

Then, the press then decided that they Brangelina were actually going to tie the knot, despite no indication from either of them. And just as suddenly, the press have decided that the whole thing is off… THANKS TO SOME HARRIDAN MYSTERY WOMAN AND BRADLEY PITT’S WANDERING LUST-EYE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON.

The angle on this tattle is this: Angelina Jolie is going mental with jealous rage because Brad Pitt has started to let his penis wander, like some kind of sex dowsing rod. Ergo, now Jolie knows just how Jennifer Aniston felt.

After six years together, with the seven year itch imminent, Pitt has apparently got some sort of relationship with another woman! A woman he works with! Because men and women find it physically impossible to avoid having sex with each other once they’ve struck up some kind of friendship! RIGHT?

There’s even photographs of Brad with a young, brunette female human, enjoying her company. It might as well be a close-up of him entering her.

And now, concerned insiders are winding everyone up by spouting off that Angie’s jealous rages are started to push Hollywood’s Brad Pitt away.

A source, clearly full of shit, says:

“Brad resents that Angelina is trying to control him. He told Angelina outright, ‘I’ve always had women friends, I’m always going to have women friends. End of story.’ ”

Naturally, Pitt loves the fact that Jolie is insane with overbearing rage.

“Of course, there’s a part of him — even though he would never admit it — that likes it. Angelina is usually this cool, unaffected, kind of untouchable woman, and when she shows some jealousy, it lets him know she has a weak spot — and that, obviously, she’s crazy about him.”

But. But. He is sticking his thingy up the mystery woman’s doo-dah, right? She’s not being jealous, she’s just found him out, right? That’s the story here isn’t it? The moral is that we shouldn’t ever trust other humans because, essentially, they’re all depraved liars who are hellbent on causing as much heartache as possible… that’s the vibe here isn’t it?

No?

What’s going on then? Surely people wouldn’t just assume a bunch of stuff in the name of getting a load of internet traffic?

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Because America is only about 4 years old compared to the rest of the world, it has to pin its dreams on daft things. They don’t have a royal family, so they obsess over various Kennedy family member and celebrities.

Concerning the latter, celebrity weddings are the closest thing they have to experiencing the collective thrill/antipathy of a Royal Wedding.

And now, America’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – are going to get married, which will be met with a whole range of emotions, starting at ‘boredom’ and ending at ‘anger’. ‘Vaguely pleased because they might be nice people for all we know’ probably makes an appearance somewhere in the middle.

After a whole six years together, where they adopted a child per year and force fed us all a stream of bile smelling charity, Brangelina/Jitt are going to tie the knot. Which knot we don’t know. We’re not allowed to go to weddings so we assume a vicar ties the bride and groom’s fingers together in some stupid, agonising religious ritual.

Apparently, this glamorous and irritatingly likeable pair will be saying “I do” in the renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, France, which is nice if you’re getting an invite. For those of us who aren’t, we’ll just have to choose between of seething envy or blind, pie-eyed reflected glee.

As is par for the course these days, ultra famous celebs don’t want super lavish bashes (not like in the past. Pitt has already had a million dollar nuptials when he snared Jennifer Aniston) and will be having a wedding that will be “intimate and informal”, according to a completely unreliable insider.

They’ll probably get married on the moon now that’s been said, just to irritate us all.

This is something of a turnaround though. The pair have resisted getting married until it became legal for everyone, be they gay or straight… it seems they couldn’t care less about the gays now.

The monsters.

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Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have got married! Isn’t that adorable? As you know, we’ve been rooting for these guys for pretty much forever. And finally, after what has felt like ‘a very long time’ – the pair secretly got married in New York State last night, with only four very close family members as witnesses. AW GUYS! One slight problem.

SINCE WHEN HAVE RACHEL WEISZ AND DANIEL CRAIG SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LET ALONE FALLEN IN LOVE AND HAD ‘ROMANTIC RELATIONS’? (Sex.)

Not even pinnacles of celebrity journalism nosy parkers Daily Mail got wind of an engagement of any sort, although they did mention that ‘they saw Daniel and Rachel holding hands once’. Blush.

So, now that we all do know about it – we can get about six months worth of judgement of their relationship out the way now.

Okay? Do Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig make a good celebrity couple?

Here are a couple of pointers to properly deduce that.

PORTMANTEAU AVAILABILITY

3/10

Brangelina sounds so amazingly twattish, that it remains the top benchmark for any celebrity couple headline, followed closely by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ of ‘Bennifer’ fame. Brownie points go to Paris Hilton for blowing everybody’s minds by actually going out with someone called Paris for a while, and it being TRUE LOVE all at the same time.

As far as Rachel and Daniel go, there is no legitimate pun that properly meshes their names, which as we know – is the measure for true, uncharted love. Even Victoria Beckham’s adoration for her bobbed haircut, ‘The Pob’ managed to ruthlessly burn away any memory of an demented ’80s childhood puppet. Bitch.

Basically, Daniel and Rachel’s first names make ‘Rachel’, so it’s a gradual descent from here on in. ‘Craiz’ is the best one we’ve managed to muster so far. And it’s lousy. Someone email it to the 3am Girls just in case though. In terms of films the pair have both starred in, there is not much luck there either.

ABOUT A (WEDDING) JOY! THE NAME’S MARRIED! JAMES MARRIED RACHEL WEISZ, THAT IS!

LORD ASRIEL MEETS HIS SAPHIRA (From that film Eragon)

Hopeless.

ATTRACTIVENESS RATIO

7/10

Depends if you fancy boys or girls, really. But if you can properly adopt the Antony Costa Rules of Love for this situation, (ie: ANYBODY WILL DO) you can begin to appreciate that Daniel is only really attractive in that sort of ripped ‘shame about the face’ kind of way.

We’ve seen what Rachel Weisz would look like if she had cancer, and being mounted by Hugh Jackman in a bath, and we’d still tap that. (A heterosexual woman is writing this article.)

Also, when you look like an ugly version of your own ugly lookalike, that definitely puts things into perspective.

IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

DANIEL – 2/10
RACHEL – 8/10

This one is pretty straight forward. Both of the parties were married with children for long periods of time prior to their current relationship. Daniel Craig was with a film producer Satsuki Mitchell for a long time, and she seems quite lovely from photos. This is based on a flowery dress, and not much else.

Rachel of course was famously married to Darren Aronofksy for 8 years, which was one of those awesome director/actor relationships which always ended in *wavy hand* movies when they actually worked together. Such as Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet’s Revolutionary Road, and Rachel and Darren’s The Fountain. Both enjoyable films, but its probably fair to say that ultimately, we still enjoyed Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld movies more.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Although -

No, it was a lie.

PROBABILITY THAT THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER

2/10.

Congratulations Daniel and Rachel!

This post was written by Sophie Hall who is a master of magic, spells and illusion. Enemies grumble with fear and confusion.

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You there. You probably fancy Brad Pitt. You probably fancy Angelina Jolie as well. There’s laws written which mean that everyone must lust after one of them at some point in your pathetic excuse for a life, or else risk the punishment of certain death.

And now, we’re about to have our collective nose rubbed in the aggregate goo as it appears that this impossibly glamorous pair are going to wedding one off all over each other.

You can buy a hat, but there’s absolutely no chance of you being invited, unless Sir Elton John is reading this, in which case, bring us back some cake wrapped in a cheap napkin please or we’ll have to tell everyone that awful, awful secret of yours.

It would seem that Brangelina (or Jitt, if you prefer) are thinking about tying the knot (which knot? We’ve yet to see a knot at a wedding! Unless it means the knot in the stomach of attending mistresses and ex-lovers still hung-up on the bride or groom).

Why? Something to do with their stupid children probably (called Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox, sounding like a range of lifestyle electrical goods).

Brad says, seemingly unrelated initially:

“There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.”

Does that sound like a euphemism for ‘Hey, kids! Don’t come knockin’ as the bed’s about to be rockin” to anyone else? If that’s the case, they’re going to have some delightfully warped children.

On marriage, Pitt and Jolie have said that they wouldn’t marry until gay people could do so legally… however…

“The kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them. So it’s something we’ve got to look at.”

Or, y’know, just do what every father should do and thrash them with a belt and send them to bed for even daring to talk without raising their hand first.

Just us?

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