This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.

Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.

Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.

So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that?

Her diet is so easy-to-follow that the 25-year-old is posing on the cover of a health and fitness magazine to show off her new figure and share weight loss tips.

For an upcoming issue of Shape, Kelly is posing in a bikini. Her first ever bikini. Seriously. She claims she never even thought about trying on a bikini before losing weight. You know. Because of all the pies. And she actually cried with excitement, as did those around her, when she first tried one on.

In her new role as thin Hollywood ingenue, Kelly notes that her peers are suddenly threatened by her. Being thin around other thin people will have that affect. Also, they’re always grouchy due to the lack of delicious lard in their diets.

Kelly was the real life equivalent of the perfectly-adequate-looking-friend with thick glasses and a ponytail who got sidelined in a movie until she shed both. Think Janey Briggs in Not Another Teen Movie. Specifically, Kelly says that her former Blackberry friends don’t want to come out and play anymore. They’re getting openly more nasty. Where they’d once say hello they’re now ignoring her.

From Showbiz Spy:

The 25-year-old star admits she is still getting used to her new shape and feels shocked every time she sees a picture of herself. “My weight? People don’t realise it’s as shocking to me as it is to them. When they open up a magazine and they see it… I’m still getting used to seeing me like this and the changes and the way that… it’s weird!” she said. “Girls in Hollywood don’t like you because you become competition. They have started to get much more nasty. You think, ‘Usually you say hi and now you don’t.’”

There’s no putting the hair back in a ponytail and the glasses are  long gone. She should just embrace it, get some ribs removed and really show people what she’s working with. Hollywood is pretty much just one giant high school where every one’s dating each other and girls are hyper-competitive and catty. We’re pretty much sure the rib-removal thing is the best way forward.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

Kelly Osbourne first appeared on the radar as a kinda-chunky potty-mouthed brat with daft hair and a house covered in dog-shit. Then, she releases a couple of singles and does a duet with her dad.

Then she almost disappeared.

Well, it seems that, in the interim, she’s been losing weight and now she wants us all to see it as a picture of her looking svelte in a bra appeared on Twitter. That’s not really that newsworthy… but the fact she joined the Pussycat Dolls is so weird that we really ought to relay it to you all.

The thought of Kelly Osbourne gyrating with the Pussycat Dolls goes against everything our puny little brains have ever thought. I mean, they’re the girlfriends of jocks right? Kelly is the snotty little punk in the toilets smoking tabs?

Not anymore. These worlds melded as one peculiar beast on Wednesday night in LA.

Apparently, Osbourne has been working hard on improving her body. She’s a size two these days. We don’t even know what that means. Is it like children’s shoes? If she goes lower does she end up in thirteens?

Anyway, she performed alongside the Dolls during an invitation only show at the Viper Room club… you know the one, the club where celebrities go and die.

She took to the stage wearing a flashy white sparkly corset, hot pants and fishnet stockings.

“It’s the first time I’ve really danced since filming ‘ Dancing with the Stars,’ but it’s so different,’ she said. “This isn’t stiff ballroom – it’s slinky and sexy!”

Robin Antin’s hybrid burlesque act invited Osbourne to join them and Antin wrote on her Twitter page:

“SNEAK PEEK of Kelly in rehearsal for Pussycat Dolls Burlesque Review! WOW, she’s so HOT!”

And then she posted this:

So there you have it. Famous person is now thinner than previous. Everyone continues their lives unchanged.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

No. Just no. There’s a line, it was already crossed and now it’s being urinated on from the other side. This has to stop. Right now.

One more time, for the road, Miley Cyrus has got half naked, someone has taken photos and one more time, for the road, they have been uploaded on to the internet. And we all know how very much the world of the internet loves pictures of 15-year-olds in small amounts of clothing.

She’s fifteen, people. Stop it. If this were a no-name young girl from Bognor Regis then whomever uploaded these pictures would probably receive something of a slapped wrist by the local authorities, but because it’s a superstar Disney child-celeb it’s all fine to go plastering half the internet with scantly-clad photographs of her.

Go on – search for it. You’ll find them on supposedly respectable sites, including FOX News. This is the same FOX News that cries crocodile tears and attempts to whip up public outrage every time anything ‘immoral’ happens in the world. Apparently a small girl in her underwear doesn’t qualify for that same outrage – in fact, it’s news.

If you’ve resisted the tempation to look at these near-naked photos of a child doing the rounds then well done, you’re one of the few that will be allowed to survive the hecklerspray armageddon, which will allow us a fresh start in a world free of the absolute filth of the earth gutter scum that seem to be propagating everywhere the ex-Hannah Montana is popping up.

Not content with appearing on the front of Vanity Fair and making some people – apart from her dad, seemingly – uncomfortable with the semi-nudity on show, Miley went on to have about thirty thousand different pictures of hear nearly with her clothes all (mostly) off and stuff.

Obviously the tweeny little thing apologised for all her actions and went back to work as normal with her Disney cohorts. But she just couldn’t help herself, could she? No, like every other person in the world since the advent of Myspace, she decided she simply had to take even more pictures of herself with very few clothes on.

Kids are idiots, aren’t they? Especially ones very much in the public eye. Either that or they’ve become even cleverer than they’ve ever been and are involved in campaigns to make adults around the world feel slightly uncomfortable with the imagery they are confronted with on supposedly reputable news-based websites.

But no – we aren’t going to judge Miley Cyrus for this. She’s either been very stupid or very smart, and either way she’s grabbed herself a ton of new headlines. No, we’ll go for those of questionable morality that seem to be having so much fun plastering the internet with these images as news.

We now live in a world where it has become acceptable for $14 million to be paid for pictures of babies, and where photographs of an underage girl posing with little in the way of clothes has become front page news – with the pictures (or at least links to the pictures) posted alongside the report.

But at least we can still wait for the ultimate test, to see how low these people will really stoop. According to FOX News:

“DigitalGangster.com allegedly has even more scandalous images of Cyrus.”

Let’s see if the world will actually post what is technically child porn as news. Go on. Let’s really see how fucked society has become.

Jessica Simpson says her dad didn’t fit her for her first training bra.

Let’s face it, no one ever thought that he did. In fact, we all went about blissfully without ever having thought about it at all. But now that the topic has been broached and your day has been ruined by the mental image, all we can think is “Joe Simpson fit his daughter for a training bra?? Ewwww…” That, and, “We missed a story about Joe Simpson fitting his daughter for a training bra??”

We apologise for missing such an important, vomit-inducing piece of journalism. It shall not happen again. We will be the first to supply you with details when Joe Simpson details accounts of fitting his daughter for her second and third training bras, as well as every subsequent regular bra up to the present.

Joe Simpson has done a nice job of portraying himself as a creepy, pervy dad to his daughter Jessica Simpson. Not so much towards his younger daughter, Ashlee, but more so now that she got plastic surgery and looks less like a grungy swamp-thing and more like his hot daughter, now.

Jessica’s MTV show Newlyweds with her then-husband Nick Lachey showed the world that her dad had an unnatural level of involvement in his daughter’s life, and then there’s the famous interview where Joe discussed his daughter’s endowed DD status. Yeeeeech. Not to mention that he supposedly pushed Jessica and Tony Romo together, and is holding Tony’s entire immediate family hostage in case Tony tries to break up with Jessica again. Just joking!

But, hey. Joe Simpson isn’t as creepy as you think, okay? Cut the guy some slack. Jessica explained in a radio interview with K-FROG 95.1 in Colton, Calif., last week that rumours that go around about her are just plain silly:

"There have been stories that are ridiculous. Like my father really fit me for a training bra. Like, who believes that kind of thing?"

Well, pretty much anyone that’s ever seen your father, heard of him, of smelled his hair pomade and teeth bleaching residue, Jessica.

Sure, you can all deny it, but what about the rumours of Joe Simpson fitting Chris O’Donnell and George Clooney for their Batman fronts pieces, hmmmm? Is anyone denying that? Didn’t think so.

First the bad news, then the good – Lily Allen has become a little bit unemployed; but at least it means you won't be blindsided by pictures of her in her bra any more.

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it's been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be 'gutted' about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you'll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she's about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we'd like you to have. 

It's no secret that Lily Allen has three nipples, each more beautiful than the last. We're joking of course – having three nipples is disgusting and wrong and we don't know how Lily Allen can even show her face in public without fear of being ducked as a witch. 

So when lingerie company Agent Provocateur named Lily Allen as its new face in November, it was really an act of charity. "Here you are Lily," we imagine a company director telling her, "we want you to cover up your three hideous nipples with these bras. And we'll pay you, too. Anything to get you to conceal those festering abominations of nature."

And for a while it worked – Lily Allen and her new skinny figure trotted around in a range of posh bras and all was right with the world. But not now, because Agent Provocateur has decided to drop Lily Allen as its face already. MTV reports:

Lily Allen has been dropped as the face of posh underwear firm Agent Provocateur, according to reports. The Sun says the warring owners of the company have decided not to use the Smile singer in ads after disagreeing on the choice. Allen is reportedly ‘gutted’ at the move after getting into svelte shape for her new job. AP said the photos may still be used in some way but she will not be the firm’s new FACE.

Still, at least Lily Allen has some career choices left open to her. There's her new TV show Lily Allen And Some People That Are Clearly More Intelligent Than Her, where Lily interviews people in a strange series of mumbles and then cackles at whatever they say to give the impression that she knows what's going on. And, with viewing figures the way they are, that's bound to keep Lily Allen in employment for at least another fortnight. 

Our point is that it's not the end of the world to be dropped from an underwear campaign because there are plenty more fish in the sea. The three-nippled bra campaign might not have worked out, but just wait until a knicker manufacturer realises that Lily's also got 24 vaginas studded up and down the inside of her legs. They'll shit a brick.

Read more:

Lily Dropped By Underwear Firm - MTV 

Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task – if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you'll just end up intimidating your customers away.

So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.

Just what is it with the Allen family? We don't think we've ever seen a group of relatives so dementedly hell-bent on stripping off for our entertainment. Watch Shallow Grave, see Keith Allen's penis. Go and see the touring version of Equus, see Alfie Allen's penis. And now, open any glossy women's magazine and see the outline of Lily Allen's penis tucked between her legs in a nice pair of frilly undercrackers or something.

Because, ladies, it might just be time to go braless. It's a safer option than buying new underwear at the moment, that's for sure. If you go into Victoria's Secret you'll be thumped over the head with the hits of the Spice Girls and now it's been announced that if you go into Agent Provocateur you'll have more pictures of Lily Allen moping about in a bra than you'd ever fear was possible. Because Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur.

And Lily has some big shoes to fill, because previous title-holders have included Kate Moss – the world-famous supermodel whose Agent Provocateur video broke the internet – and Maggie Gyllenhaal, star of that film that made everyone secretly think that bondage was worth a try. And now it's Lily Allen, who recently dressed up in a Habitat bag for a night out, started a fight with none-more-chav Lady Sovereign and got banned from an entire continent because she's so violent. But still, at least an Agent Provocateur insider seems happy enough about it:

"They feel her natural, voluptuous curves will appeal to a lot of women."

But why Lily Allen of all people? Let's continue the Agent Provocateur quote:

"She in amazing shape – down from a size 14 to an eight – and the pictures of her are sensational."

Ah, it's because she's not as dumpy as she used to be. Good for Lily Allen – as a role model for thousands of young girls, it's important that she teaches them that nobody will ever like them unless they shed almost half their bodyweight in a unnaturally short amount of time, prompting public concerns for their health. Only then will people want to see them in their bra.

But maybe that's not the real reason why Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur – maybe it's just shrewd business sense at work. After all, however much the company paid Lily Allen for the underwear shoot, it'll be getting three nipples for the price of two, and who could reject stunning value like that?