Sadly, those people – who we’ll assume have some sort of aggressive cognitive dysfunction – weren’t around yesterday morning when Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery after, you guessed it, fondling a girl’s boob and yanking down her top in a bar. With some drugs in his pocket.

Andy Dick’s arrest has raised a number of serious questions. Questions like ‘Has Andy Dick fallen off the wagon again?’, ‘Who’s going to employ Andy Dick after this?’ and ‘Andy Dick fondled a girl? A girl? Are you sure it was definitely a girl? Wow, who knew?’

We haven’t been keeping track on the war on drugs lately, but it seems to us like the American government might have launched a highly effective anti-drug campaign that’ll stop any young people from ever even trying drugs in the first place – the ‘look at this wankers who take drugs’ campaign.

It’s true – for instance, would you take cocaine knowing that it was the drug of choice of the Barenaked Ladies? No, of course you wouldn’t. You’d be too scared about cocaine inspiring you to write and perform a depressing lacklustre collection of faux-wacky children’s songs.

Similarly, sales of marijuana and Xanax are expected to drop off dramatically in the next few days, as users fear the combination might make them look and act like Andy Dick, the star of a billion gaspingly unfunny sitcoms and the bit about giving blowjobs to cucumbers in Old School.

Andy Dick was arrested on suspicion of sexual battery and drug possession yesterday morning after he allegedly fondled a 17-year-old’s breast in a bar and then pulled her tank top down before police found a gram of marijuana and one unprescribed Xanax in his pocket. The Los Angeles Times reports:

He was recognized by several patrons, including the alleged victim, who approached him… The girl tried to talk to Dick but backed off when she realized how intoxicated he was. Police said that when Dick left he spotted the girl and her friend in the parking lot and shouted, “There are the girls!” He groped her breast with his right hand, then pulled down her top.

This isn’t the first time that Andy Dick has found himself in hot water – a couple of years ago he was forced to publicly apologise after telling a comedy audience that they were all ‘a bunch of niggers‘. However, back then Andy Dick was able to claim he was satirising Michael Richards, who did the exact same thing a week earlier.

However, if there’s any truth behind Andy Dick’s arrest, it’ll be hard for him to claim that yanking down a 17-year-old girl’s top and groping her boobs was a cleverly satirical move. Which is a shame, because if he had a decent enough excuse for it, then – admit it – you’d be out booby-yanking 24/7 too.

Still, Andy Dick isn’t due back in court until August 12, so we have a few weeks to wait before we hear what punishment he’ll be handed. Note to Andy Dick’s judge – if you can start going through the legal books now to discover whether you’re allowed to ban Andy Dick from making any more poo-awful sitcoms, we’d be awful grateful.

They say love will last forever between couples who are destined to be soulmates, or in the case of many UK women, until a footballer’s money runs out. Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a problem based on their career choice of being musicians. While they’re not locked away in a studio, they are off around the globe touring at various gigs and festivals.

It appears that poor Jay-Z is missing his darling wife so much, he’s turned into a love-struck puppy. At a recent gig in Nigeria, he asked on his rider for a melon to be split in half and transformed in to a replica of his wife’s boobies. We just have one question: Are Beyoncé’s boobs green, sweet and edible?

At the Africa Rising concert in Abuja, Jay-Z made his strange request. Now, we’re not ones to criticise and point out the obvious, but if he missed the sight of his wife’s boobs so much, why did he not whip out his diamond encrusted blinged-up phone and look at a mucky photo? Or failing that, get her to send one? Mobile technology is a wonderful thing.

Maybe Jay-Z is just incorporating two of his favorite things together, fruit and ladies’ naked bits. If we had it our way, we’d incorporate pancakes and bowling together, but sadly we aren’t totally sure how that would work. Back to the drawing board for that one.

Even still, how long did it take Jay-Z to find the perfect melon that was a spitting image of his wife’s boobs? Did he get one hundred melons cut in half and simply pick the two that most resembled them? Or did he fly in a specially-trained melon carver to slowly and delicately hack away under his instruction until the job was done?

Because Jay-Z has no time at all, he opted to get someone else to carve the image. But the best thing about this story, to make it even weirder, is that the carver was given a mould to work from.

A bloody mould! We realise that some people may miss their partner dearly, but using some sort of body cast to replicate a piece of them is considered stalking in some countries.

What’s next? Is Beyoncé going to get a mould cast of Jay-Z’s winky so when’s she bored and alone at night she can replicate his todger in broccoli?

Whilst transatlantic relationships are clearly not the way forward, it may be better to turn towards our own glorious nation to find the thing known as a 'woman'. In the nineties, blokes across the land couldn’t leaf through a magazine without seeing melon-bosomed Jordan parading across the cover. Her boobs showed no sign of stopping until the day she realised she looked a bit like a monster from Gremlins.

And, after having surgery to reduce them, you can now own the implants!

So what exactly could you do with two breast implants that at one point elevated the human gargoyle known as Jordan to an unsubtle 32G? Well, that mostly depends on whether you're a boy or a girl. For any ultra-hardcore flat chested female fans, owning Jordan's funbags would be the perfect opportunity to a) see what it's like to have boobs b) experience the thrill of having constant back and neck pain from comedy-sized tits as gravity pulls you down c) having the female equivalent of the Lynx effect as gangs of men – be it old, young, mature, perverted or pre-pubescent – approach you and stare at your chest while completely ignoring your probably beautiful face. 

As far as blokes go, Jordan's wobbly lumps would mean that instead of fondling the pages of softcore lad's mags, they could feel up Jordan for real. And the inner pervert in you will probably prod, push, feel, smell and squeeze the implants all night long. The really dirty minded of you may even try and persuade your other half to don them down her own bra, thus making some sort of super bionic women with mega breasts. 

Speaking about the implants, Jordan said: 

“All my friends have put them in their bra to see what they feel like. They're the size of a mini-pizza.”  

We don’t know about you, but we’ve just gone off mini pizzas. An image of women shoving McCain microwavable pizzas down their tops really doesn’t float our boat. What if the topping was to fall off? Imagine all that sausage and pepperoni getting everywhere; it would look like the person wearing it had some sort of messed-up looking nipple.   

So how much would a piece of booby history set you back? Sadly they're not going cheap and if you wanted to own these knockers, you’ll have to start saving now. Despite Jordan and her plastic-looking husband Peter Andre seemingly appearing in every trashy gossip magazine each week to tell us all about what’s gone tits up in their lives; they appear to be sort of a few quid. The asking price for the implants is one million pounds, with ten percent going to charity.  

Ouch. For that sort of money, we'd imagine the Nuts-reading generation would have to all chip in a pound each and, once enough money was raised, share the joy by posting the implants to each other. If not the common people of the world buying some boobs, who else would really want some worn-in bits of plastic?  

Actually, Cher hasn’t had any reported plastic surgery of late and Madonna's continued battle against ageing will probably force her to pump up her sagging figure. Problem solved then. 

Read More:

Jordan To Sell Implants For £1 million – Digital Spy