The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
It has been reported in magazines that are better at keeping a straight face than us, that Marc was all kinds of objecting to Lopez’s sexy wardrobe. No, we don’t mean that the wardrobe itself was lust-inducing, but rather, the clothes that hung in it were rather scanty or figure-hugging.
Some div says:
“He would make her feel terrible about herself if she wanted to wear something sexy. He likes her to dress in a demure, ‘wife’ style. He hated the fact that she was a sex symbol.”
A different idiot agrees:
“Marc has always been a very dominating husband. He wants to control everything Jennifer does.”
Elsewhere, a completely different mole added, given faux-credence to the whole thing:
“She tried so hard to make this marriage work. She put up with – and kept putting up with – Marc’s controlling ways, which had been going on for a long time, and she was really trying to make the best of it.”
Of course, this story is designed to make the stupid reader think ‘Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like for me too. And many other woman no doubt! Men are very controlling aren’t they? Our Ryan goes mad when I wear low-cut tops! Cuh! Men!‘, which of course, is complete cowpiss as both sexes are obviously mental and controlling when the mood takes them.
Right? Haha! Are we having fun readers?
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
dog wover says
Poor ugly Marc saw the signs his wife was tired of bagging his head during bang time. She started dressing to attract yet another victim…. er….lover and he freaked out. Leopards don’t change their spots Marc and karma is a bitch.