We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Obsessed, now that was a brilliant film. Just like Fatal Attraction, but none of the women had stupid haircuts and you didn’t see Michael Douglas’ nipples.

Brilliant. And even more brilliant is the fact that, because it’s out on DVD next week, we’ve got three copies of Obsessed to give to you. You’ll like it – it’s just like Dreamgirls except Beyonce doesn’t burst into song all the poxy time and there’s a fistfight at the end of it.

Brilliant. The Obsessed competition details are after the jump…

To win one of the three Obsessed DVDs we’re giving away, all you need to do is watch the movie’s trailer below and answer a simple question:

QUESTION: If you were Stringer Bell from The Wire, would you rather have sex with Beyonce or the split personality woman from Heroes?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Stringer Bell’s sexual proclivities are none of your business‘. The competition closes at midnight on October 29 when the winners will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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Yo women, we’re real happy for you, we’ll let you finish, but Beyonce has some of the most immoral breasts of all time!

OF ALL TIME! How immoral are Beyonce’s breasts? Beyonce’s breasts are so immoral that they’ve just made her postpone a concert in Malaysia. Apparently the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party is so outraged at the prospect of watching a pretty young woman wiggle her scantily-clad body about that she’s decided to pull out.

Of course, Beyonce could have just worn a few more clothes, but then people would have had to concentrate on her songs. Talk about a disaster.

When, many years ago, Beyonce said “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” you may have thought that either a) she was informing you that she’s clearly out of your league and that you should probably stick with your fat girlfriend, or b) she was taunting you with a delicious trifle. But now it turns out that the real answer was c) Beyonce was actually testing the sociocultural acceptance of her unbridled femininity in the face of the world’s major religions.

And the results of that test are finally in – Islamic Malaysians are most certainly not ready for Beyonce’s jelly. Or her turkey drumsticks, for that matter. Or her wobbly blancmanges. Or her hairy kebab. Because – for the second time in three years – pressure from the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party has caused Beyonce to postpone a concert in Kuala Lumpur. E! Online reports:

According to a statement released by Malaysia-based promoter Marctensia, the performance “has been postponed”… While Marctensia denied the delay is a response to the uproar sparked by the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party, which has labeled Beyoncé’s bootylicious stage show a Western attack upon the country’s traditional values, it’s likely the move will succeed in dampening the threat of protests.

Now, it’s important that we shouldn’t single out the entire Islamic faith as the bad guy here. All religions have a tendency to get a little nervy when it comes to live pop performances. For instance, while Malaysian Islamics might find fault with Beyonce’s skimpy stagewear, Catholics will be up in arms whenever a singer, say, dons an age-inappropriate leotard and crucifies herself on a giant cross made out of mirrorballs. And Confucianists don’t like it when you sing a song about a happy goose in a hat shop. They’re just the rules.

But if anyone can change these outmoded and foolish religious viewpoints, it’s Beyonce. Beyonce knows that, with some sustained pressure and a few pure words spoken directly from her heart, she can help Malaysia break free from the constricting shackles of its conservative patriarchal society and provide the young people with the very thing that they’ve been so desperately craving – two hours of a woman dressed like a massive-arsed prostitute shouting generic pop songs and occasionally falling down the stairs.

You can do it Beyonce! We believe in you!

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Rumours about what on Earth really caused the now infamous outburst at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards have started to surface.

You probably know what actually happened onstage by now. The show’s been playing on a loop ever since, alongside witty commentary pointing out that grown men making young girls weepy is a rather rubbish thing to do. Kanye West has had to apologise not once but twice for making himself look like a twit – such a twit that one capital-letter-laden apology on his blog was not quite enough to cover it.

Now that both long-winded apologies are over and done with the world can move on to the next controversy. Wait, what’s that? We can’t?

Why not? Well, today the Internet has done that bothersome thing it does at times. It has started a rumour about who was really to blame for the events onstage as Taylor Swift attempted to accept her first ever VMA.

The Internet and ‘they’ have a nasty habit of rubbing salt into the wound. If you ask me, and no one did, the Internet and ‘they’ should be smacked on the bum at best, and banished from Internet Land at worst for telling people “It’s Beyonce what done it”.

A handful of media outlets have started to quote from a source at the awards. The source says that the Beyonce+Taylor Swift+Kanye=Boom incident was a staged stunt that backfired. Specifically, our friends who aren’t really our friends but we wish they were our friends as they seem like they’d be fun to get a pint with MSNBC have a snippet of gossip on their entertainment section to that effect. The item is tucked away carefully between douche-tastic Jon Gosselin quotes and a photo of a pasty-looking Justin Timberlake – that is the best place to hide gossip you don’t think anyone is ever really going to read.

According to MSNBC - via a source – the VMA outburst may have been the idea of Beyonce. However, she was allegedly not expecting Kanye to ‘bring her name into it’.

Sounds like bollocks to us, but it won’t be long until similar conspiracy theories come to light.

From MSNBC:

Taylor Swift and Kanye West — what’s next? As for Beyonce: Though most agree the move to bring Swift onstage to resume her acceptance speech was a classy one, some have speculated whether it was Beyonce’s idea or one her management came up with. “It was all Beyonce’s idea. Kanye embarrassed her by bringing her name into it,” said a source with firsthand knowledge of the situation. “She wanted to make it right.”

In any case, despite her initial and understandable upset, Taylor Swift may profit from this many times over. That’s the trade-off when you’re ambushed by a drunken rapper in front of everyone on the planet who has no desire to get to sleep at a reasonable hour or who owns a TV license.

From the same article:

But for the producers of the world, the incident has opportunity written all over it. Several production companies are now in a race to get Swift onstage for their shows — awards shows and New Years’ Eve shows alike — either to do a duet of some sort with West or with Beyonce.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is alarmingly delightful.

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Seriously, when will you people learn? It’s rule number one when it comes to organising awards shows, but you always ignore it.

Never invite Kanye West. That’s it. It’s a fundamental awards show rule. Invite Kanye West and he’ll invariably end up losing an award he assumed he’d win, shrieking indignantly about it for 30 minutes and then pooing in his pants on purpose while refusing to break eye contact with the camera. It always happens. Never invite Kanye West.

Just ask Taylor Swift, whose MTV VMA acceptance speech Kanye West obliterated last night because he thought she wasn’t very good.

Ahead of last night’s MTV VMAs, we were trying to predict where the obligatory outrage would stem from this year. The smart money was on host Russell Brand – who last year offended everyone by mocking virgins – once again ramming his foot into his mouth. Or maybe Britney Spears would stumble around in a bikini again. Or maybe there’d be another redneck punch-up over a funny-looking booby model.

But no. The answer was right under our nose all along. It was almost too obvious – Kanye West would behave like a self-regarding prick. Of course he would. That’s Kanye West’s bread and butter. Strip away all the grating egomania and what does that leave Kanye West with? A weird album that sounds like Johnny 5 self-harming and nothing else, that’s what.

So what form did Kanye West’s MTV VMAs exhibition of prickishness take? Was it that he didn’t win an award that he thought he deserved, again? Or that he didn’t get to perform at the exact point in the ceremony that he wanted to, again? No. It was because Taylor Swift won the MTV VMA award for Best Female Video and Beyonce didn’t. There’s video, although we’re legally obliged to point out that the following images may be disturbing for readers with an unusually low tolerance for profound awkwardness…

It’s the perfect video, isn’t it? Everything you could ever want, encapsulated into one perfect minute – Beyonce looking as if she genuinely wants to die, Kanye West realising three quarters of the way through his rant that maybe he’s coming off as a bit of a prick and, best of all, Taylor Swift’s utterly distraught face 57 seconds in. Like we said, perfect.

However, after being escorted from the ceremony, Kanye West had a change of heart and apologised to Taylor Swift the only way he knows how – with a hard-to-read, all-caps, over-punctuated blog that contains the word ‘Boooyaaawwww’. Look:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Oh Kanye West, we can’t stay mad at you. True, you might be an obnoxious, overbearing prick with a confused sense of your own importance and a craving for approval that’s actually quite pitiful to witness, but you know what would have happened if you hadn’t stormed the stage at the MTV VMAs last night? We’d have been forced to write about Taylor Swift’s winning video. Bleurgh.

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The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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The MTV VMAs always excite – they only reward the best, most exciting, most innovative artists working today.

Or Britney Spears, which is what happened last year. But given that no major pop stars have had terrifying nervous breakdowns and then agreed to make a documentary for MTV that’s basically 90 minutes of them sobbing forlornly this year, hopefully the VMAs will be business as usual.

Except this year’s MTV VMA nominations have just been announced and, along with Beyonce, Lady Gaga has gained the most nods. So by ‘business as usual’ we mean ‘tedious, deliberately controversial, badly dressed and worryingly mannish’.

Last year’s MTV VMA show was, by all accounts, a bit of a failure. Russell Brand, the host, managed to alienate swathes of viewers and some of the winners within seconds of setting foot onstage, and the big winner of the night was Britney Spears, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’d just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and was probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

It was rubbish. But at least the MTV VMA organisers know better than to make that same mistake again, which is why this year’s MTV VMAs will be hosted by, um, Russell Brand. And, judging by the VMA nominations, the biggest winner of the night looks set to be, er, Lady Gaga, a barely-comprehensible blonde lunatic who’s just released a woeful sort-of electronic pop album and is probably most famous for her gross inability to keep her clothes on in public.

Great, nice one MTV.

But anyway, although Lady Gaga has somehow managed to pick up nine MTV VMA nominations – including Video Of The Year, Best Female Video, Best Cinematography and Most Conspicuous Adam’s Apple On A Female Pop Star – she’s not the only nominee. Beyonce has also picked up nine VMA nominations, mostly for Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It). And, as UPI reports, she sounds quite pleased about it:

“I’m excited and honored to be tied for most-nominated for the VMAs,” Beyonce said in a statement. “I’ve been blessed this year to have ‘Single Ladies’ become a video people really connected with and responded to. I’ve spent so much time watching all the great versions people created all around the world. It’s beautiful to feel you touch people and bring a song to life with a video.”

‘Connected with’ and ‘responded to’ obviously being pop star code for ‘felt dirty watching’ and ‘ejaculated to’. You can’t fool us, Beyonce.

But anyway, Lady Gaga and Beyonce aren’t guaranteed to win all of the awards they’ve been nominated for – Britney Spears got seven VMA nominations, while Kanye West, Eminem and Coldplay each picked up four. Green Day picked up three nominations – presumably all for Most Dreary, Self-Important And Disappointingly Middle-Aged Album – and Jay-Z picked up two.

We’ll find out who’ll emerge triumphant when the MTV VMAs are broadcast next month. Or to be more specific, since the show will feature performances by Pink, Green Day and Taylor Swift, we’ll find out who emerged triumphant the following day by reading a list of winners on the internet. Seriously, Taylor Swift? We’re not mental.

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9 – Kelly Clarkson (sort of) rips off Beyonce, refuses to shut up about it – Amy Grindhouse

8 - If you’ve been watching David on Big Brother and thinking “But where do I know him from?”, here’s your answer. You’ll thank us for this – Watchwithmothers

7 - Do you have a dog? Are you painfully lonely? Do you like the idea of making people run away from you in terror? Then do WE have the invention for YOU! – Geekologie

6 – A list of the top four pies ever. Contentious - Interestment

5 - Steel drums make everything sound happy. Look, here’s a steel band playing Joy Division songs. And they’re ACE – Mychemicaltoilet

4 - Here’s a feature called Ask The Sluts which, experience has taught us, is never a good idea. Ever – Domesticsluttery

3 – But Madonna! Your ARMS! – Bestweekever

2 - You know the world’s 100 most offensive jokes? Here are the punchlines to them – Coed

1 – A man flipping off zoo animals. The most joyous thing you’ll see all day, and another winner from Black20…

Stop the presses. Beyonce Knowles is about to do something rather marvellous and it does not even involve her wiggling her booty out of time with mediocre music.

She is rumoured to be in talks to star in Sister Act. What do you mean is that it?

Terrible 80s films are the new black. Watching Beyonce break out into a cold sweat when she realises that she has to hold an audience’s attention without the use of her arse cheeks is going to be worth the inflated price of admission.

What do you mean you won’t go and see a film with Beyonce fully-clothed and not engaging in sequences that ooze her thinly veiled sexuality?

Sigh. I’ll have you know that queen jiggles is a mighty fine actress… assuming that she can find a role that does not require her to play for laughs, sing, or just suck on camera.

She managed to only suck like Paris Hilton on a first date in Obsessed. She was not as gawd awful as the scathing reviews of the movie would have you believe. If she puts her mind and her bottom to it, there is nothing this little lady cannot do.

Actually, that’s not true. She cannot stifle her inner drag queen. Nor can she avoid the fact that if she keeps yelling like that instead of singing she’s going to get a terrible sore throat that not even a packet of Strepsils will be able to fix.

Back to the movie. Beyonce was inspired to ruin the very definition of chewing gum for the eyes Sister Act after seeing its musical performance onstage. She reportedly asked her people whether a remake would be possible and set about trying to make it happen. Every time a bad 80s movie is remade a kitten is moidered. But don’t worry your pretty little head. We can rest safe in the knowledge that the last thing Beyonce tried to make happen was shoulder pads and look how far that got her.

“Beyonce has asked her representatives to persuade Disney to develop the show into a film vehicle for her,” a source told Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper.

Does jiggles have that much sway outside of her immediate circle that she can make this movie happen? Only time will tell. Well time and her dungeon master daddy who I have it on good authority moves heaven and earth to keep his daughter at number one.

“If this comes to pass, she would take on, in musical form, the part Whoopi Goldberg created in the 1992 Sister Act film.”

Here’s hoping jiggles has every success with getting this off the ground. One tour and one album are not nearly enough fodder to keep her multiple personalities amused… and we all know the hell that breaks loose when they get bored…

You know who wrote this? Amy Grindhouse did. Now visit her site.

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Swine Flu? Forget swine flu. Global economic catastrophe? Screw that as well. There’s only one real news story today.

Brace yourselves. Kim Kardashian’s hair is very slightly lighter than it used to be. We know. How on earth are any of us expected to concentrate on anything at all today knowing that Kim Kardashian’s hair is almost imperceptibly blonder than it was a week ago? What if surgeons or aircraft pilots were to suddenly start thinking about how marginally different Kim Kardashian’s hair was now instead of their real jobs? We’d all be dead.

You hear that, Kim Kardashian? DEAD.

Makeovers are all the go at the moment, aren’t they? Over the last week or so Susan Boyle has had a makeover, turning from literally the ugliest woman who has ever lived to like the fifth uglist or something. Also, all pigs have also had a makeover – going from delicious bacon sources to evil ticking timebombs that will Kill Us All Dead.

And since Susan Boyle and some pigs getting a makeover technically constitutes a trend, it was only a matter of time before Kim Kardashian waded in with her stupid elbows and massive arse. You see, Kim Kardashian is no longer happy to just plonk herself on the sidelines of any given celebrity story and bellow her unwanted opinion like some sort of slow-witted mental at a bus stop. Kim Kardashian wants in on this one, damnit.

So Kim Kardashian has had a makeover. And this isn’t one of those faddy makeovers like the time she said that she’d given up fur or the time she said that she wasn’t really into making online pornos – this one is for real. That’s right – Kim Kardashian has gone blonde. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” star proudly showed off her newly blonde locks on Twitter Sunday, raving about her Beyonce-esque ‘do. “I WENT BLONDE!!!! Do u like it?” Kardashian wrote, followed by, “One more blonde pic!” and “I’m LOVING my blonde hair!”

That seems to be the main thing here – by going blonde, Kim Kardashian has made herself look like Beyonce. A bit. If you squint, tilt your head at exactly 62 degrees, drink bleach until you teeter on the edge of consciousness and then get so far away from Kim Kardashian that you can’t really make her out against the background any more then, yes, we suppose Kim Kardashian does look a bit like Beyonce. A bit.

But anyway, more fool you if you thought that Kim Kardashian had really gone blonde, because the hilarious prankster then went onto her website to reveal to the world that… actually it was a wig! She’s not really blonde at all! Kim Kardashian is hilarious!

So we suppose in retrospect the headline to this story should have been Kim Kardashian’s Hair Is Exactly The Bloody Same As It Has Ever Been.

We hate our lives sometimes.

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Fatal Attraction was OK, but the wife never had a music video where she danced like she was trying to shake a leech off her bum.

But that’s fine. That particular problem has been rectified thanks to Obsessed, the new Beyonce movie that’s exactly the same as Fatal Attraction but stars Beyonce so you know it’ll end with the wife writing a furious pop song about how crap men are instead of murdering her husband’s mistress.

Anyway, Obsessed is the new weekend box office number one, so do whatever you like with that information.

It’s a conversation that everyone’s had at one point or another – if you were married to Beyonce, would you have an affair with the chinny woman out of Heroes who plays the character that’s basically just a badly-disguised metaphor for menstruation? And the answer, obviously, is no. If you were married to Beyonce you’d be too busy to have an affair with anyone, because you’d be Jay-Z and your time would be monopolised by gigantic narcissism and an unrelenting desire to make albums that aren’t quite as good as the ones that directly preceded them.

Still, it’s a question pondered by the makers of Obsessed, the movie that’s the new US weekend box office number one. And the answer? God knows – the film looks dreadful. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Obsessed (Sure, Obsessed, you might be doing well, but you’ve forgotten the one thing that made Fatal Attraction such a success – Glenn Close’s bedraggled poodle haircut. Who wouldn’t say no to that, right boys? Woof! Etc!) $28,500,000

2 - 17 Again (17 Again? Forget that – we want to see 22 Again, where Zac Efron just starts to realise that doing a degree in media studies probably wasn’t the best way to secure any form of meaningful employment whatsoever) $11,665,000

3 - Fighting (A film about fighting, presumably. It’s a nice tactic, really – honestly labelling the contents of your movie. We sort of wish it was regulation, actually – that way Fast And Furious would have been called Cars And Nimrods and He’s Just Not That Into You would have been called The Absolute Worst Way You Could Ever Spend Two Hours Of Your Life) $11,441,000

4 – The Soloist (It’s a film starring Jamie Foxx called The Soloist. If it isn’t about masturbation we’ll hand in our cards right now) $9,715,000

5 - Earth (A documentary about the solo wilderness years of one member of Earth Wind And Fire. Or something. Honestly, we’re not even going to look this one up) $8,554,000

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As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men.

But apparently Beyonce also sings. It’s news to us – we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor.

However, Beyonce’s reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.

Let’s be perfectly straight for a moment. Beyonce can sing. If Beyonce couldn’t sing then Barack Obama would have never asked her to perform at his inauguration ball. That’s unless Barack Obama likes to celebrate momentous events in his life by listening to noises that sound like a burning coachload old ladies being flung down an elevator shaft. Which, in retrospect, might explain Aretha Franklin’s confusing performance at the inauguration too.

But we’re getting off-topic here. The point is that Beyonce can sing, because Destiny’s Child only had room for one substandard singer, and that was the woman with the face like a shoebox. Beyonce can sing. She can.

All that was thrown into doubt, though, by the leak of something purported to be a live soundboard mix of Beyonce singing If I Were A Boy on the Today show last year. Take a listen…

The bad news is that the tape’s a hoax. We’re just as disappointed as you, we promise. There’s nothing we’d like more than to tell you that Beyonce sings like the soundtrack to Don’t Look Now played backwards on a broken accordion – if nothing else it would have proved that there’s more to her than facial staircase injuries and the ability to cause nationwide epileptic fitting – but it’s just not to be. Still, full props to Beyonce and her dad for being all outraged about it and whatever. MTV reports:

“Of course I’m just hearing about this today — and I haven’t heard it but it sounds completely ridiculous,” Beyoncé said. “Everyone’s heard me sing.”… Mathew Knowles: “At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot. The vocals were obviously altered.”

It just goes to show that, as cool as technology is, it’s still not good enough to convince anyone that Beyonce is a bad singer. And, for that reason, we don’t want anyone to try and digitally insert Beyonce into a film that’s actually enjoyable to watch. If we won’t buy that she’s a bad singer, there isn’t a hope in hell that we’d believe the poor girl can act.

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With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect.

How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.

Click here to launch the gallery

24 – Gisele

Fancy a ride?

23 – Kim Kardashian

Have you seen that sex tape?

22 – Vanessa Hudgens

Almost makes watching High School Musical worthwhile. No, what are we thinking? She doesn’t.

21 – Marissa Miller

A Sports Illustrated bikini model.

20 – Britney Spears

OK, so she’s nuts, but she used to be quite hot.

19 – Keeley Hazell

We can think of two reasons for her inclusion here.

18 – Hayden Panittiere

17 – Halle Berry

16 – Natalie Portman

The only reason anyone watched the Star Wars prequels.

15 – Shakira

Sexy, just don’t confuse her humble breasts for mountains.

14 – Evangeline Lilly

13 – Tricia Helfer

The sexiest toaster we’ve ever seen.

12 – Adriana Lima

We are just nuts about this Brazilian.

11 – Beyonce

That Jay-Z is a lucky chap.

10 – Scarlett Johannson

Seems like everyone’s got Scarlett fever.

9 – Elisha Cuthert

Back in 24, but is it better? No.

8 – Melissa Theuriau

Looks, she can even make earthquakes sexy.

7 – Allesandra Ambrosio

Ambrosio? Doesn’t that mean ‘food of the Gods’?

6 – Lena Heady

Makes us proud to be British.

5 – Megan Fox

What a, ahem, fox.

4 – Jessica Biel

Easy virtues? We wish.

3 – Tina Fey

Brains, beauty and funny. Perfect… almost.

2 – Angelina Jolie

Two words – grey wetsuit.

1 – Jessica Alba

We think we’re in love.

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Well right off, let us just tell you that the title up there has probably misled you a little.

Sure, Jamie Foxx did recently fend off an intruder in his own hotel room recently, but sources have since indicated it was his Nanna.

And now just let us tell you that the above paragraph may have misled you as well. Although Foxx did have to push an intruder out of his hotel door, we’re told it was more of a stalker-type relationship than an actual blood relative.

Also nobody died, and nobody was foxy.

When you’re living the Jamie Foxx lifestyle you have to be ready for absolutely anything. You’ve gotta be ready to be the invisible one on In Living Color. Also, you’ve gotta be ready to always sign your name with two Xs just because you decided it looked cool in eighth grade, you’ve gotta be ready to apparently remake August Rush in 2009 but with a grown black man instead of a little white orphan, and perhaps most importantly you have to be ready to physically push stalkers posing as Beyonce’s music producer out of your hotel room before they stab you like they may well have been planning.

That actually happened recently. No really – TMZ will tell you:

“…sources say Jamie had to physically struggle to shove a 49-year-old perp out of his room, after the guy tricked Foxx into thinking he was Beyonce’s producer. We’re told Jamie realized something was wrong as soon as he opened the door, but the suspect quickly tried to push his way inside. Fortunately, Jamie overpowered him and slammed the door in his face. Law enforcement sources say the man, later identified as Willie Brown, then fled from the scene.”

In his defence, the stalker thought he was sneaking past Ray Charles. He was probably shocked when Foxx’s line of sight seemed to follow him almost perfectly.

What a dumb stalker. Doesn’t he know you’ve gotta train for stuff like that? If you are gonna successfully push past Jamie Foxx to successfully be in his room at least long enough to successfully convince him that although you’re both men, these feelings can’t be wrong – you’ve gotta train first. You’ve gotta hit the treadmill, you’ve gotta hit the free weights, and lastly, you should really practice sneaking through holes made out of door frames and mock-ups of Jamie’s legs and chest.

Only then will love find you. Only then will lifelong gay love with Jamie Foxx possibly find you.

Nothing worth it comes easy, stalker.

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Just the other day we got called tight-fisted for refusing to pay an old lady’s bus fare late at night. Yes it was raining but, Jesus, she wouldn’t share her umbrella. What goes around comes around you see.

For years we’ve often assumed that people who listen to pop music are morons who live in a fantasy land. Of course everything will work out happily ever after like in all their videos and song. Now, scientists have banged their brains together to prove what we all knew all along.

Before you race down to the comments box and vent your misspelt anger at us, cast your mind back a few weeks. Rihanna and Chris Brown have hardly been away from the media spotlight thanks to Chris Brown allegedly using Rihanna as a personal punchbag. Instead of shunning him for being a bellend, Rihanna went crawling back to him. Presumably in a bloody mess.

If you’re a Madonna fan then you’ll get the thrills and literal trauma of watching a pensioner thrusting herself around on stage like she’s still young and current. Britney Spears fans are in for a rollercoaster ride nearly every time she performs on stage. If it’s not mental fanny flashing or head shaving, she’ll either break down in tears for your amusement.

For once this isn’t our thoughts getting in the way of facts. A PhD student called Virgil Griffiths – who is smarter than us in every way – claims there’s a correspondence between low IQs and a liking for pop and R&B, with Beyonce fans doing particularly badly on tests.

How he worked this out, we’re not sure. Most of the time, a fan of Beyonce has an age range of pre-birth to around twelve. Contrast that with a supposedly more intelligent band like Radiohead, then it kinds of complicates things. Radiohead fans can be aged anywhere from 16 to 60. In a test between a kid and an adult, we can always guess the winner. Especially if tasks involve rewiring a plug.

But before all you Beyonce fans put a ring on it and start complaining, there is some good news. You lot aren’t the stupidest of them all! According to the researcher, it spells bad news for rap lovers:

“Fans of rapper Lil Wayne are supposedly the dimmest of them all”.

We know fans of Lil Wayne won’t leave us any abusive remarks. They will have shot their computers up in anger.

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