So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we’ve seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.

That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we’ve managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).

And here they are, over the jump and as follows…

Although they’ve clearly scrimped on script writers by letting Zooey Deschanel say whatever she wants, whether it’s funny or not, they’ve paid some attention to the theme tune, which although is written and performed by Deschanel (who claims that she’s in a band called She & Him, though the last time we checked were just a duo of insufferably annoying pricktwists) sums up the series in a unique way.

It’s ditsy, glossy and without any volume at all. And a bit “write the feem toon, sing the feem toon.”

Apparently there is a way to make the worst thing Patrick Swayze ever did, apart from dying, Dirty Dancing, more cloying and vaginary than normal. Which is…an achievement, we guess?

“Oh look, aren’t I quirky? I wear printed prom dresses and say sentences with weird rhythms and sing to myself and shower in a swimsuit. Look at the way I say things and look out the side of my eyes. Aren’t I so relevant and hip?” – this is what Zooey Deschanel thinks all the time.

One of the housemates that she moves in with has the biggest jaw ever seen on a human being. Bigger than Olly Murs’ and Jimmy Hill’s. Even bigger than the ones on Mount Rushmore. God bless the disgustingly faced bastard.

There’s such a thing as a Douchebag Jar. No signs of ukelele playing, or listening to cassettes yet, but there’s still time.

So there you are. Watch it, don’t watch it. Zooey Deschanel is still going to continue to be as skin tearingly irritating whether you do or don’t, and we don’t care either.

Of course maybe if you do have an half hour to spare, you could do something useful, like finally find out what actually happened to the Lindbergh Baby. Or where Ian Beale’s appeal lies. We think it’s something he puts in his fish batter. Probably his batter.

Zooey Deschanel is the Prom Queen of the Hipster Ball. She can kinda sing, kinda act and is generally kinda good-looking and kinda nice. Perfect for the hipsters as she never quite looks like she’s really trying.

However, Zooey is quite obviously a giganto-ghoul.

Why? Mainly because she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage and is getting divorced from her husband – Some Guy – which will absolutely anger God so much that he’ll probably ensure any children she has in the future will all have hunchbacks.

Zooey, not quite a proper zoo, has filed for divorce in Los Angeles on December 27th (lovely Christmas present, eh?) from Ben Gibbard, citing irreconcilable differences.

So what could’ve caused this split? Maybe Deschanel didn’t like the fact her soon-to-be-ex-husband saw a series of Zooey’s new show, New Girl, and vomited with fury, demanding to know why such a terrible, terrible thing could ever be commissioned by a television station?

Or, maybe the pair didn’t get along because Zooey had a successful music career while Gibbard was in the tremendously bland Death Cab For Cutie?

Sadly, the couple don’t have any children to make this whole situation more fraught for us prying imbeciles. Worse still is that Deschanel’s publicist has said that the couple’s split was “amicable.”

That said, all this paves the way for Zooey to start actually having sex with Joseph Gordon Levitt because that’s all anyone ever wanted after seeing that stupid film they were in together.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are probably the most irritating pair on Earth, mainly because we’ve got nothing on them. They seem nice. They seem quite funny. They’re altogether likeable and that makes us mad.

Of course, we hate most of their cloying hipster fans who, this morning, will be getting steamed up ironic NHS spectacles when they learn that the (500) Days of Summer duo have paired up to sing a song together.

And they’ve filmed it. And we’re going to let you watch it if you’re smart enough to click over the jump. Which you’re not. The amount of times we have to actually point that out to you dawdling shitboxes is unreal! Anyway. Video. You’ll like it. Over the jump.

Now that New Year’s Eve is not far away, the Hipster Prom King and Queen have timelyly recorded the classic ‘What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?’ and blurted it on YouTube for us all to watch.

Once the nice ‘aaah, aren’t they adorable but almost entirely sexless’ feeling passes, you’ll soon be hit with a melancholy that tells you that, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be as fondly thought of as these two. They’re making us all look rubbish.

Deschanel, who we all know is in a relatively successful band already, strums her ukulele in a silvery white party dress and a tiara, while Gordon-Levitt plays guitar in his black suit and tie looking nothing like the berk who was the Scrappy-Doo of Third Rock From The Sun.

All this nicety could soon pass when we review Deschanel’s new sitcom, New Girl, which looks thoroughly awful… but alas, Gordon-Levitt will be in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Night Rises which is probably going to be brilliant.

We can’t win this one, so just watch this video and dribble into your laps.

Dark Knight Rises or Batman 3. What are you calling it? Well, judging by the newly released trailer, you could justifiably call it Occupy Gotham. It is fair to say that Bruce Wayne is part of the 1%.

Wisely, Christopher Nolan & Co have decided to tap into the most polite civil unrest yet and, mercifully, thrown some supervillains at it because we demand explosions and people getting punched in the throat.

And, regrettably for us snarks, the film looks like it might be really great. There’s a chance we’ll still give it a bad review though, just to be contrarians.

As you know, joining the action this time round is Anne Hathaway as the becatsuited Selina Kyle (or Catwoman if you can’t work out an insultingly obvious clue). She purrs into Batman’s ear:

“You think this is going to last. There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you’re all going to wonder how you ever thought how you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

If only the 99% were more prone to being leggy and attractive in skin-tight outfits. Practical, no… glamorous, yes.

Of course, Heath Ledger’s Joker will take some beating, so Thomas Hardy will be gruffing it up as Bane. And as big gestures go, Bane’s looks-awfully-like-a-terrorist-attack during a football game should sicken a few American stomachs. Oh, and you’ll be supporting the Gotham Rogues, just in case you didn’t know.

For hipsters, the trailer also show a little Joseph Gordon-Levitt, which is nice.

And so, we’ve all got to wait ’til July to see if it’s going to be any good. Until then, we’ll speculate how Bale’s Batman is written out of this particular franchise and foist stupid Who Can Replace Christian Bale As Batman? lists upon you ’til we find something worthy to write.

Here’s the trailer, poo-breath.

Catwoman has always been the sexiest of all the superhero/supervillain clan. We say that because all the women who played her in the ’60s were really hot. Not so much Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. They were snooze-buttons in comparison.

Of course, Catwoman oozed such sex appeal that even Batman fancied her, despite the fact she kept him busy by being a nasty git.

And so, when it was announced that Anne Hathaway was chosen to play her in the forthcoming The Dark Knight Rises, everyone kinda shrugged because she seems too wholesome. Can she pull off that whole S&M thing that Catwoman has? According to the leaked picture of her in her villainous guise (below), it seems not.

The photo shows Hathaway in costume, seemingly razzing around on Batman’s motorbike (which is nice).

Sadly, judging from one measly picture, granted, this particular Catwoman just looks like Hathaway in a jumpsuit with some skiing goggles on.

And that’s it. At least Pfeiffer’s suit had a load of weird stitching on it to make her look a bit more depraved.

Speaking to MTV, Hathaway says:

“I was not going to admit it: I asked someone to send me a few reactions [to the photo]… [the general response] was ‘meh.’ “

She continued:

“What I am happy to say is, if you didn’t like the photo, you only see about a 10th of what that suit can do. And if you did like the photo, you have excellent taste.”

The suit has more to give? Will it transform Hathaway into a sweet looking girl into a vampish sexpot? Or does it have a seat that fires missiles out of it?

Please be the latter.

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It’s that time of the week again where we put on industrial strength rubber gloves, strap on our personal protective equipment, snap our goggles into place and go for a swim in the murky depths of the hecklerspray post bag. There really is nothing more refreshing on a muggy, humid day than going for a swim through the tepid bile that you lot spray out of your brains.

Unfortunately Editor Mof has been forced into mediating a disagreement between two hecklerspray writers which has already seen Kris Silver thrown into a pile of discarded post bags where- unfortunately- his left hand dissolved due to the build up of acid. In hindsight he’ll feel that suggesting to Paul Pencott that he take on the role of Kris’ “business hand” has been his worst professional decision to date.

Nevertheless, while they all engage in a fight to the death, let’s take a look at how many of you have suggested that we die in a fire this week.

First off the bat this week is the rather surprising news that an article on Tom Hardy garnered the most vicious criticism. And you thought it was just the big gun celebrities that had a mental fan-base… unless this actually is the real Tom Hardy, gracing our little site with his presence…

Clearly you are a moron. it’s a shame for you that you are crippled with an insignificantly above average ability to present the written word, your article based entirely on your own ability to subjectify your own misunderstanding of the languague english, or even be open to metaphor, but then that’s why you write poorly for a blog site and nothing noteworthy beyond. i credit most people in the world with intelligence. To say Working for a franchise is similar to working for Starbucks is not a sign of me being ungrateful, I am very grateful, I’m over the fkn moon asswit. I’m saying in answer to whats the difference between indie movies and blockbuster types is this… ( and this is a metaphor Fukfphace so hang on to your fillings because you are already a twat this might back fire for you again) one is like working in a boutique store which isn’t a chain where it relies soley on the character it creates as a whole largely without large financial backing and the other is like working for a big franchise i.e Starbucks, which is largely financially backed and isn’t in the business (big business) of failing, there is a lot more pressure therefore as an artist, to bring interesting character work to an already established franchise which does well enough without having its ” Artists” rock that boat, thus it is in fact an honor and a privelage to serve in a movie of this magnitude or “Starbucks” and create a new kind of fkn pumpkin frappucino… dikpiece

From Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy who is playing Bane in Batman. Tom Hardy who, according to research, regularly posts on IMDB under the name included in the email address submitted to the site. Does Tom Hardy actually hate us?

But wait a minute… does Tom Hardy have another personality? Kel got in touch to leave this comment:

God I hate people sometimes.. Mof Gimmers is a douchebag.. and Joe Momma is a tool

That comment was left in reply to “Tom’s” comment. Of course, basic knowledge of the internet says that you can’t reply to a post until it is approved. Both of these appeared in our inbox at the same time. Why does Kel have the same IP address as the person purported to be Tom Hardy? Wait… could they be the same person? It’s definitely possible.

Who’s “Big Rex”, then? He shoved this through our letter box encased in a flaming envelope:

I would like to see Tom Hardy beat Mof Gimmers to a pulp with his elbows and knees and pour an iced frappuccino over his unconscious pile of limp..
He’s talking about branding and custom and Mof is talking out of it’s @SS.. all he’s saying is its hard to get heard in a bigmachine and you have to work even harder to please your audience, but then that’s why you get paid the bigger bucks because its the big league.. there are some real idiots about

But good ol’ Rex has the same IP address as both ‘Tom Hardy’ and ‘Kel’. All of them show a flagrant disregard for the written English language despite claiming that our writer has a “misunderstanding of the languague english”.

Still, it’s not all negative. The lovely folk from Tom Hardy Party are willing to listen to the spoken word of someone who may or may not be pretending to be Tom Hardy.

Hmm….this might very well be the real Tom Hardy, based on what he’s written before. The style is similar.

If you’re sick of having your comments misconstrued, come to TomHardyParty.com (the best, largest and most awesome Tom Hardy site) and talk to us about it at our forum. Even if you are fake …we’ll play along.

It’s so unlike hecklerspray to misconstrue someone’s statement and twist it for comic effect. That’s really not like us at all. Hang on a second… Tom Hardy’s back. But who is he?! WHO IS THIS PERSON?! Is it Tom Hardy? We just don’t know!

high end boutique indie at 30 million is the quote on Warrior.. even if it is pencilled at 70 mil.. no that’s big.. for an indie.. very.. but it’s still story character driven gamble for a studio, LG have got a really solid vehicle. Gamble will pay off, I believe, and no Chris Nolan is by know means churning out pish, but the size of the vehicle and the brand itself i.e Batman is still the relative comparison to Starbucks branding alone.. also working at an airport its a big stage a lot of airplanes landing and taking off a lot happening a lot to organise, easy to get lost out there it is a different beast.. question i believe was what the difference between working on an indie compared to a big block busting franchise.. answer simply nothing.. no difference between a 5 dollar performance and a 500 million dollar one, the love is the love and gratitude to play at all, but the field of operations is very very different

He’s not wrong. Whoever the hell he is. That doesn’t mean he’s not still annoyed at us…

No but i did forget to take a lot of other things into account including containment and I guess I fkd that up.. you guys are very clever over here.. I apologise, Tom Hardy clearly is an ungrateful and stupid whining douchebag.. who should stop moaning and be grateful.. he’s bound to be Sh@t in TDKR.. got the message..

We are very clever, thanks for noticing. However, we didn’t say he was ungrateful or stupid just that he was being honest about finances which is something that few people are. Still, that’s the danger of fans getting involved and blowing things out of proportion, isn’t it?

Like Becky here:

This is the internet. Bored fools take satisfaction in insulting complete strangers. Also, cat videos.

It’s true, we do make a living out of insulting complete strangers who might have said something that’s easily warped. What’s the hourly rate like on placating complete strangers like they’re your best mate? Oh… sorry.

As always, ‘Spray regular Cookie Monster sums up this whole sorry affair better than we can:

These comments show one of two things. Either sincere thespians of note are always at risk of gaining a following that includes mentally incompetent fans, or sincere fans of thespians are always at risk of following mentally incompetent celebrities.

It doesn’t answer the biggest question of all. Who is ‘Tom Hardy’ and will the ‘real’ be any good as Bane? Well, Editor Mof who wrote the article that started all this seems to think he’ll be pretty damn good. See real/fake Tom? We love you. It was all a gag. We still don’t know who the hell you are though.

Therefore, we lay down the gauntlet. Now that we’re all best pals again, why not send us a photo of you holding something saying “I hate Hecklerspray” to our email address and we’ll bow down and kiss your Bane-boots for being an incredibly good sport. Of course, if you’re just a basket case who happens to know Mr Hardy’s IMDB username… you worry us. Seek help.

‘Til next week, piss-streaks.

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2011 appears to be the year of the big budget comic book movie. When it comes to adaptations of graphic novels, we’re being spoiled rotten right now.

Marvel’s first avenger, Captain America has just hit cinemas worldwide, Green Lantern… well, it happened didn’t it… and we’ve been given 3 brand spanking new teaser trailers to salivate over.

New offerings from Batman, Spiderman and The Avengers may well be due soon, but one hero currently not donning his tightest pants in preparation to be thrust back into the spotlight like some weird pervert is Superman.

But fear not earthlings! It turns out there is some new Superman footage to get you all wheezy and out of breath. Well, it’s not actually new, it’s pretty old, but it hasn’t been seen before, so it’s like new.

A deleted scene from the last installment of the Superman movie franchise, the fantastically woeful Superman Returns, has been unearthed.

The $10million scene shows Supes flying in some sort of Dr. Manhattanesque giant crystal spaceship to his desolate home planet of Krypton, before crying like a little bitch and deciding it’s probably worth going back to Earth.

Visually the scene is fairly impressive, however at 6 minutes long with minimal action or sound it is incredibly tedious. The fact that this scene was so tedious that it was deleted from one of the most tedious movies in recent history should tell you all you need to know about it really.

There are a few things that puzzle us though. Why the hell is The Man of Steel flying a spaceship, he’s able to fly through space without any real problems, what makes this ship so special?

Also, wasn’t Krypton destroyed? It seems to be in fairly good nick when our hero arrives, admittedly it is barren and everyone is probably dead, but we’ll overlook that fact because it’s depressing and goes against our, ‘it seems to be in fairly good nick,’ theory that was outlined at the start of this paragraph.

Anyway, if you just couldn’t get enough of Superman Returns, then you have a problem and we here at hecklerspray suggest you get help, quickly.

For the rest of you, point your peepers at the video below to see how spending $10million on 6 minutes doesn’t always guarantee a good time.

Now that everyone likes Batman again, after years of thinking he was pretty lame, we as writers must cover every tawdry titbit concerning the imminent film, The Dark Knight Rises. If its anything like the last two, it’ll probably be good, which is irritating for people like us who want to slate stuff.

It’s not all fun on the shoot though, as Anne Hathaway is finding out. Mere days after nearly sparking a stuntman out with butt of a gun, she’s had a different kind of butt-based incident.

Basically, the poor lass showed a little more of her nether regions to the crew as she split open her figure hugging Catwoman suit.

That’s right pervs – Hathaway flashed her undercarriage while going nutso during a take, which is a stirring image.

Of course, Anne takes on the role previously owned by Julie Newmar and sullied by Michelle Pfeiffer, leaving her in a situation where she almost certainly won’t be the worst Catwoman to grace a screen. Halle Berry takes that dubious plaudit.

However, you want to know about arse.

A source says:

“Anne was filming a very similar fight scene when her costume split right open right on her bottom.

“She’s putting everything into this role both physically and emotionally and the wardrobe department is paying the price. She must have gone through a dozen costume changes due to Anne throwing herself around.”

You’ll have to wait ’til The Dark Knight Rises is released on July 20, 2012, to see if her posterior makes the cut.

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A new trailer for Russell Brand’s probably eagerly awaited latest film, a remake of Steve Gordon’s 1981 film Arthur, has been released, so we here at hecklerspray thought we’d take some time to take a peek and try to figure out what we can expect from the latest in a long line of Hollywood remakes of films and TV shows from the 80s.

Brand is playing cheeky cockney chappy Arthur Bach, who spends all his time drinking, having a right ol’ knees up and wearing silly clothes that make him look like an 18^th century dandy that’s been dressed by a cravat wearing Covent Garden boutique owner.

Hmmm.

The premise alone indicates that maybe this film was made purely by having a film crew follow Brand as he gallivants around New York City, then just shoehorning in a plot and having actors show up to point Brand in the right direction.

Sort of like The Only Way is Essex, only marginally less annoying and considerably less orange.

Anyway, Brand is swanning around with one of his showbiz pals when Helen Mirren suddenly turns up and threatens to bite Evander Holyfield’s ear off (seriously, we’re not making this up).

The main conflict of the piece is then presented to us. Brand is told by his Mum that he has to marry some woman or risk losing his billion-dollar fortune.

Faced with the prospect of financial ruin Brand decides that maybe marrying said woman is for the best… until a chance encounter with one of those quirky but somewhat attractive girls that always turns up in this sort of tripe has him questioning whether or not he should marry the woman dear old Mumsy told him to.

Cue scenes of Brand trying to act as if he’s growing emotionally and learning something, which aren’t too convincing as every time Brand appears on screen you get the feeling he’s about 10 seconds from cracking an awkward joke in that shrill, mockney voice of his and… a scene of him racing around New York in the Batmobile, which is actually pretty awesome, although it doesn’t make Brand appear any less of a tit.

The whole, ‘let’s try and disguise a chick flick by casting a wacky former heroin addict and throwing in a shot of the batmobile,’ shtick isn’t really working though.

The trailer clearly shows this film is just an excuse for women to fawn over Brand, his stupid hair and his unfathomably tight trousers.

If you liked Brand’s performances in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek then maybe there’s something wrong with you… but if you’re still eager to see this then head over to Apple trailers.

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People have been arguing about who was the best Catwoman. Most of them have been wildly wrong. See, Batman’s love interest cum nemesis is supposed to ooze sex. Catwoman isn’t just a pretty face – she’s a huge prick tease as well.

Looking at those who have played the famous feline villain, it is a surprisingly sexless bunch.

And Anne Hathaway, who will play Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan’s third Batman film, is the latest to completely lack in sophisticated skankery.

Think about it. Catwoman is pure sex. She’s a whip-cracking, S&M suited siren, ready to give you a raging hard-on before disappearing into the night to act out some dastardly deed while you’re still wobbling around trying to hide your erection with a Bat-Cushion.

Yet, for some time now, no-one has successfully cast a Catwoman who has the innate primal sexiness that the character requires.

Way back when, on the ’60s Batman TV show, the producers were bang on the money. Julie Newmar (the best Catwoman ever), Lee Meriwether and Eartha Kitt all looked like they were dirty and kinky. Perfect Catwoman material. You could totally buy into the notion that Batman wouldn’t be able to control himself around them.

Then, years later, we got a spate of women who were just… meh.

Michelle Pfeiffer brought her back in ’92, and like all modern Catwomen, was attractive enough but, really, not exactly oozing the filth that the original actors had. Pfeiffer is about as sexual magnetic as a shop window dummy. Then, we went even further away from primal urges with Halle Berry. Again, an attractive woman, but lacking in the trashy sleaze that Catwoman is supposed to have. In fact, Halle Berry looks like something of a goodie-two-shoes and therefore, wildly wrong for the role.

And now we get the similarly sexless Anne Hathaway to come and (probably fail) in the vamp stakes. There’s a whole host of actresses out there who have that classy-hussy thing going on and, alas, Anne Hathaway isn’t one of them.

Starring alongside her will be the impossibly boned Tom Hardy who will play Bane in The Dark Knight Rises and, of course, the gravel voiced Christian Bale returns as Bruce Wayne. We’ll get to see it all unfurl on 20th July 2012.

We can only hope to be proven wrong and Hathaway shows us a side to her character that we haven’t seen before. She should start by watching this clip…

…okay. That was purely for our benefit.

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There’s a new commercial on the block for the Nissan Qashqai and it’s called “Urbanproof”. The ad is a parody of the legendary Sony Balls ad. It’s currently running on this site and you can see it here as well.

To tie in with the launch of the ad,  we’ve compiled a list that celebrates the simple thrill of destroying things for kicks. We all like to smash things up and directors are no different. Cities, forests and even planets have all been destroyed to boost cinema ticket sales. The new ad for Nissan Qashqai replaces Sony’s rubber balls with bowling balls and, okay, you’d have a tough job trying to destroy a whole town with those.

So with that, we’ve put together a Top 10 of the most brilliant acts of wilful destruction which, of course, dear reader, you’re more than welcome to disagree with in the comments.

10. The Day The Earth Caught Fire is a nuclear holocaust film which sees some explosive experiments by stupid humans going so wrong that Earth is sent spinning into the sun. Everyone sweats. Loads.

9. Cloverfield is a film with a monster in it. You know what monsters like doing? Breaking stuff. Brooklyn Bridge gets whupped and the Statue of Liberty gets her head smashed clean off!

8. The aliens in War of the Worlds pretty much spied on mankind because, typically, we were all too self-centred to even notice they were there. We were all sitting around reading stupid blogs and clicking endless links on Wikipedia. To teach us a lesson, the aliens went mental and decided to break a load of our stuff… stuff like massive bridges and human’s faces.

7. Aliens once again decided to wreck a load of our stuff just to show us how ace their laser beams are compared to our puny slingshots and crude hand-gestures in Independence Day where, very famously, they blew up the White House like a toddler stamping on a sand-castle.

6. In Predator, Arnie shows us what a hard man him and his mates are when they get all their bullets and take it out on some poor defenceless trees. TAKE THAT FOLIAGE!

5. The Sex and the City films are, without doubt, the single most destructive thing ever carried out on Western civilisation. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda sound like the names of characters when the truth of the matter is, they are the names of four dirty bombs.

4. How trivial do you want to be with massive exploding destruction? Well, Darth Vader’s nonchalance in Star Wars is immense when the Death Star blows up an entire planet (Alderaan) for a laugh. KER-BLAM! Gone. Lets go smoke some tabs in the canteen.

3. Godzilla is the daddy of wrecking entire cities for a laugh. Even his nerdy cousin in the Chewits commercials tried his hand at snapping a few roofs off. Godzilla has appeared ‘As Himself’ in roughly 40,000 films and one thing he clearly loves to do is drag his feet when walking through built-up areas. That means millions dead. Fantastic.

2. In Zabriskie Point, we see the beautiful need to blow stuff up in real life, over and over for no reason at all. Michelangelo Antonioni decides to blow anything he can get his hands on sky-high. In this Pink Floyd soundtracked 1970 film a luxury pad gets exploded. Then a TV. Then some clothes. Then loads of books. Then everything else including his mum. Probably.

1. In Dark Knight, we see one of the most fun acts of needless destruction when the Joker blows up hospital. Okay, that doesn’t sound like too much fun for those blown up for no reason, but y’know, they were sick anyway so he was probably doing them a favour really.

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Batman 3 rumours are film’s vuvuzela – they’re so annoying that most people have stopped noticing them.

But forget rumours. This is something teetering dangerously towards fact. According to reports, Batman 3 – the follow-up to The Dark Knight that will definitely be directed by Christopher Nolan and will definitely star Cher as Catwoman and Johnny Depp AND Eddie Murphy as The Riddler (or something) – is set to be released on 20 July 2012.

That’s great news. Not only will Batman 3 be a nice warm-up for the Olympics, which begins a week later, but it also gives Christian Bale a good two years to practise losing his temper so that he can fulfil the historical tradition of looking like the universe’s most colossal bellend right before it gets released. Hooray!

We don’t know about you, but we’ve missed Batman since The Dark Knight was released in 2008. We’ve missed everything about it – from the grittiness of Christopher Nolan’s Gotham City to the way that Christian Bale’s Batman voice makes him sound like an old man who’s been force-fed 19 packets of dry cream crackers and then kicked in the throat by a donkey with electrodes in its hooves. Mainly the last one, to be honest.

But, finally, after two full years of the most preposterous casting rumours that history has ever known – although, admit it, you’d love to see Cher play Catwoman – it looks like we finally have a concrete confirmation of Batman 3′s release date. Filmschoolrejects reports:

It would appear as if Warner Bros. has their man. They’ve announced today that Christopher Nolan will return to his Batman franchise and churn out a third film… The studio is in the early stages of developing the movie . It is likely, however, that more details will begin to emerge closer to the release date of Inception, which hits theaters on July 16. Batman 3 is due to hit theaters on July 20, 2012.

Now, let’s just allow Christopher Nolan to carry on making Batman 3 to the best of his abilities without getting dragged down by any petty casting rumours, OK? Let’s just be comfortable with the fact that Christian Bale will be Batman, Michael Caine will be Alfred, Gary Oldman will be Commissioner Gordon, Cher will be Catwoman, Russell Brand will be The Riddler and The Penguin will be played by the man from the Go Compare adverts in a lady’s wig. No more arguments about it, OK? Jesus.

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Star Wars and Clone Wars.

Folded:

• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!)
• Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet)
• A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?)
• The kid in THIS PRAM (…will have the best story to tell when he gets older. Pity he won’t remember any of it)
• Awkwardfamilyphotos.com (very funny, so long as you don’t see yourself on there)

Creased:

• Life after Uncharted 2 (too upsetting to think about. Alcoholism maybe?)
• The Twilight Saga: New Moon (is anyone over sixteen actually excited about this?)
• JD’s Don Johnson stubble on Scrubs (possibly he’s shaved it off by now. Still though, very late eighties)
• Leave it to Lamas (can you believe this guy was in Grease?! Scrap that, he was Renegade!)
• Lindsay Lohan (what has she done to herself now?)

It’s Cher who we feel most sorry for, of course. We thought that Cher had the Batman 3 Catwoman role all sewn up.

But, no, Megan Fox had to waltz in and snatch it from her. Damn you, Megan Fox. What’s your Catwoman going to like, huh? All young and sexy, probably. Well that’s not good enough – we wanted Batman 3 to feature a doddery 63-year-old Catwoman dressed in a vicar’s doily who’d been scientifically reconstructed from scraps of medical waste. And now you’ve spoilt it, Megan Fox. Because you’re the new Catwoman, aren’t you?

Aren’t you? What’s that? Probably not? Oh.

With filming set to begin on Batman 3 next year, speculation has never been so rife. How many subordinates will Christian Bale bellow at during the filming? Which promising young star will die right before the movie’s release? If Christian Bale gives Batman that silly voice again for a third film, how far into the movie will it be before his larynx shears in half like a rusty pipe? We must know!

But at least we know who’s going to play Catwoman in Batman 3 now. It’s our dear friend Megan Fox, who’s presumably been chosen over Cher because Christopher Nolan didn’t want a Catwoman who looks as if chronic osteoporosis would hamper her whip skills, and chosen over Angelina Jolie because she’s about 40 times cheaper.

Except, well, don’t get your hopes up. Megan Fox hasn’t officially been signed to play Catwoman in Batman 3, and that’s probably for the following reasons:

1 - If Megan Fox starred in Batman 3, then Catwoman would be 12 years younger than Batman. Therefore, the sexual relationship between Batman and Catwoman would be replaced by scenes where Batman takes Catwoman to play on the swings and washes her by spitting into a tissue and then rubbing it all over her face.

2 – Megan Fox recently slagged off her latest Transformers movie, so big action franchise producers will be weary about working with her.

3 - This is plainly a lot of bollocks from Megan Fox’s camp because she wants to play Catwoman instead of Rachel Weisz, who is currently the favourite to get the role.

But let’s play along for a bit anyway. Hey The Sun, why would Megan Fox make a good Catwoman?

The Transformers stunner follows in the pawprints of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. But Megan, who has a slightly darker edge than her two predecessors, will be brilliant as Selina Kyle.

Oh, it’s because Megan Fox has a dark edge. That makes sense. We can see it now. Batman 3 will be about Catwoman – who turned to crime after realising that she wasn’t very good at acting – holding Gotham City to ransom by doing some acting for them, paralysing the population with the impossible choice of telling her that she’s not a very good actress and letting her carry on thinking that she’s a good actress just because she’s quite pretty.

And we just thought that this was news because it happens to be Bring Your Horny Teenage Son To Work Day at The Sun. Shows what we know, eh?

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10 - Maybe the best video we’ve Webthumpped ever..

9 - Oh, OK, here’s a gratuitous picture of the big-faced man who left X Factor this week - Popsugar

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