They may be able to talk the talk – but can they really walk the walk?

Hollywood movies are littered with so-called tough guys. But take away their stunt doubles, green screens and fake guns and what do you have left? Nic Cage? He’s just a lanky streak of piss. Mel Gibson? Give me a break. Mark Wahlberg? Don’t make us laugh. Tom Cruise? Now you really are taking the piss.

Well, hecklerspray has come up with a list of Hollywood actors we think really could mix it with the best of them. These are Hollywood hardmen who really did live up to the name.

Enjoy! And if you have a problem with our choices, we’ll be waiting outside…

25. Kurt Russell

He’s the only Snake we like. In his heyday he could kick your ass with just one eye.

24. Bruce Willis

OK, so maybe we are getting carried away after watching the Die Hard series too many times – but what the hell.

23. Lee Marvin

He would slap you like a bitch.

22. Jason Statham

OK, so he would probably get his arse kicked by someone higher than a blue belt in karate, but we’ll let him off because he’s British and went out with Kelly Brook. What do you mean those are stupid reasons?

21. James Gandolfini

Whatever you do –don’t get on the wrong side of him.

20. David Carradine

Forget the fact the he died dressed as a lady in a cupboard with a string around his penis – he was in Kill Bill! Are you kidding?

19. Charles Bronson

You would have to have had a Death Wish to take on Charles Bronson in his prime.

18. Steve McQueen

There’s menace in those eyes of his – mark our words. It’s also just an excuse to see one of the best movie car chase scenes ever.

17. Chow Yun-Fat

He’s one Fat guy you would not want to tease.

16. Jackie Chan

It’s hard to think of Jackie Chan as a tough guy, but would you pick a fight with him?

15. Jack Bauer

Technically he’s a character and not a real person, so he probably shouldn’t be on this list. But are you going to tell him that?

14. Steven Seagal

Would have appeared higher but for a story we heard about the Divine Ponytail. Apparently, Seagal was always trash-talking Van Damme back in the day. But then one day while in a nightclub Van Damme had enough and offered Seagal out for a fight, which he backed out of. So it’s official – Seagal is not as hard as Van Damme.

13. Vin Diesel

Something tells us he’s all fart and no shit, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

12. Russell Crowe

OK, so he’s a complete knob. But you get the impression he can handle himself pretty well.

11. James Cagney

So he was a dwarf – but he was a streetwise one. You would not want to turn your back on him, that’s for sure.

10. Toshiro Mifune

A World War Two veteran, Toshiro is best known for his collaboration with filmmaker Akira Kurosawa in films such as Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood and Yojimbo. He’s also pretty handy with a sword.

9. Sean Connery

A former bodybuilder who even now at hundred and something could probably kick the crap out of most of the supposed Hollywood tough guys.

8. Clint Eastwood

You really would not want to get on the wrong side of Clint.

7. John Wayne

Embodied everything a Hollywood tough guy should be. Now shut up and drink your milk.

6. Jean Claude Van Damme

Would have been higher but for the fact he’s Belgian. Nobody from Belgium is that hard.

5. Jet Li

One scary bastard.

4. Dolph Lundgren

During the filming of Rocky IV, Dolph  - a former karate champion in his homeland of Sweden – hit Sly so hard he was put in intensive care.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger

OK, so he has become a bit of a joke. But laugh in front of him and it could be hasta la vista baby.

2. Bruce Lee

The greatest icon in martial arts cinema. Just was not quite as hard in real life as Chuck Norris, who had a beard and a hairy chest to prove that. But just for Bruce Lee fans, above is Lee kicking the crap out of a young Chuck Norris. Only in the movies…

1. Chuck Norris

There is nothing on this planet harder than Chuck Norris – it’s a fact. He’s the only man alive that could stage a military coup all on his own. And just to back that up, here are some FACTS about Chuck Norris, courtesy of chucknorrisfacts.com.
1. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
2. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognises the element of surprise.
3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
4. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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It had it all – a furious star, a nonsense story, an oddly-named director – but now Terminator Salvation has more.

That’s right – Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sort of. Even though it opens next month, Arnold Schwarzenegger still doesn’t know if he’ll be in Terminator Salvation or not. He might be, but only if producers insert footage from the first Terminator into the new film.

Which is rubbish. We want Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator Salvation in real life, perhaps as a demonstration of the time Skynet got drunk and made a murderous robot that looked like a fat old man for a laugh.

There’s nothing that anybody likes more than a third sequel to a 25-year-old film where you’re asked to completely disregard its entire TV spin-off series, most of what happened in the second sequel and the alarming realisation that in the future all embittered leaders of resistance movements against armies of unstoppable machines hellbent on the eradication of mankind will have accents that lurch indiscriminately between London, LA and borderline offensive comedy Pakistani.

And therefore, there’s nothing that anybody will like more than Terminator Salvation. Hype is already at fever pitch over Terminator Salvation, having been drummed up by a fairly impressive trailer and that tape of the angriest man in all the word bellowing “AH DA DA DA DA!” at a subordinate. But you know what would be the robot cherry on the cyborg cake? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has played such a big part in all the other Terminator movies – he was the unstoppable villain in the first one, the underdog hero in the second one and the embarrassing shadow of his former self in the third one – that it wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t have a part to play in Terminator Salvation.

And now there’s a fighting chance that he might. In a way. In a really crappy way. The LA Times reports:

Warner Bros. is exploring whether it can insert images of Schwarzenegger from the original “Terminator” movie into the new film starring Christian Bale, directed by McG and slated for release May 21…  In the film, a prequel to the original, Schwarzenegger would be in a brief scene in which the main character encounters him as a “future Terminator,” according to the governor.

As potentially rubbish as that sounds, the description is a little vague. We imagine this means that Terminator Salvation will feature a scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger time-travels back from the future to try and kill Christian Bale, but Christian Bale gets all “YOU’RE A NICE GUY, YOU’RE A NICE GUY, BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING CUT IT!” on him, so Arnold Schwarzenegger decides it’ll be easier to time-travel back even further and just kick his mum in the stomach when she’s pregnant with him instead.

If that’s the case, we’re sold. Someone book us a ticket.

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A little bit of sick has just come up into our mouth.

We knew that Stallone was a fan of whipping deceased stallions, but until now we thought Schwarzenegger had some pride. But something – the idea of recapturing his youth, the lure of making another bathful of quids, or the devastating effects of dementia – has convinced Arnie it would be a great idea for him to appear in Stallone’s latest film.

You know, we believe that old people can do pretty much anything young folk can. Be it chasing skirt, cutting off dogs’ bollocks or being unable to ever escape your 30-year-old child sex conviction, old people still rock! That said, if we ever found out that our 75-year-old neighbour was planning on showing film of himself dressed in nothing more than a furry loincloth and a sheen of baby oil, we would definitely have a whisper in his ear advising him against it. Then we’d have a really loud shout in his ear, because he doesn’t hear too well these days. And then we’d call the police.

Are you listening, Schwarzeneighbours?

It wasn’t always like this. Many years ago, Stallone and Schwarzenegger were musclebound behemoths, straddling the action movie genre like… well, a pair of musclebound behemoths. Time was cruel, though: Sly went and got all “boohoo, I’m such a big fat bloater,” while Arnie went and got all like “help me, I need a heart bypass but only because I smoke cigars and no way because of steroid abuse.”

Arnie realised the gig was up, and left movies to become the Mayor of Fairyland or something. Sly though – sticking two gnarled and withered fingers up at Father Time – lost weight, began shoving fistfuls of growth hormones down his gob and somehow convinced people with money to let him make at least the third and fourth worst instalments of the Rocky and Rambo softcore gay porn franchises.

And now Stallone has persuaded Schwarzenegger that it would be a good idea for them both to get their raddled old bitchtits out in his upcoming film, The Expendables. We can only assume that Arnie was confused when he was being given the pitch, and that he believed he was actually signing up to receive money from a deposed Nigerian prince.

Perhaps we aren’t being fair. Who knows, this could turn out to be a rebirth for what were once two much loved actors. Please, Firstshowing.net, tell us more and don’t spare the crazy:

The Expendables will follow a team of “expendable” mercenaries on a mission to overthrow a South American dictator. The names of the five mercenaries are Hale Caesar, Kong Kao, Christmas, Barney Ross, and Gunnar. In addition to the casting scoop, Stallone revealed to AICN that Jet Li would be fighting Dolph Lundgren at one point in the movie.

Garrggh!

This is unparalleled genius! Someone has realised that what the world wants to see – in 2009 – is Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger flapping their bingo wings around in a film which also has Jet Li fighting Dolph Lundgren. This film cannot fail. Nothing can halt its glorious ride to celluloid immortality.

But wait, we have even more casting info:

The Expendables, which already has Jason Statham signed up…

Oh.

Cocks.

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And, obviously, the only ones that matter a jot are the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminators, because they speak a base amount of Spanish and occasionally use coffins to deflect machinegun fire. So it was with a heavy heart that we learnt that Arnold Schwarzenegger was probably too busy being a high-falluting politician to appear in the upcoming Terminator 4.

But according to Terminator 4 director McG, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be appearing in the new movie – as a half-CGI, half-human hybrid Terminator, but only if ILM gets its act together. We don’t know what part CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger will play in Terminator 4 but he’s 61 now, so he’ll probably be seen in the Terminator reject warehouse because a) his skin is too saggy and b) he looks a bit mid-life crisisy in a leather jacket.

If you ask us, the new Terminator Salvation movie isn’t going to be much cop. We basically have two reasons for this.

Firstly, Terminator 4 can’t ever compete with the majesty that is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Will Terminator 4 have a scene in it where a man gets killed because the urinal he’s using turns into a robot version of the lead singer from Garbage who rams a spike through his head? No. Case closed.

Secondly, there’s going to be no tension to the movie because Christian Bale is playing John Connor. And if Bale can treat his own clown mother in the way that he’s alleged to have done, then an endless army of indestructible murderous robots is going to be a titting cakewalk for him.

So let’s be serious – there’s only one thing that can save Terminator 4 from being dreadful, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. If we can’t believe that super-advanced computers from the future decided to model their killing machines on the sag-faced Austrian bloke from Jingle All The Way, then the whole movie’s flawed from the outset, frankly.

But with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s screentime dedicated solely to rubbishy tourism adverts for California these days, his involvement in Terminator Salvation wasn’t looking promising.

So we should treat the declaration that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to appear in Terminator 4 like the joyous news it is, even if he’s not really going to appear in Terminator 4 and any images of his face are going to look like they were crapped out by an Atari 2600. Totalfilm reports:

“We’re trying to synthesise a human character with a CGI character and that may or may not have something to do with the T800,” McG told us with a smile. The process isn’t without its problems, though. McG isn’t happy with ILM’s work so far… “At the moment it’s not good enough,” he said. “And we’re running out of time.”

It doesn’t look hopeful at the moment, does it? Still, there’s nothing like a tight deadline to sharpen focus, so we’re sure that Terminator 4 will have loads of CGI Arnold Schwarzeneggers coming out of its arse. And, if not, there’s always Plan B – a bunch of topless teenage boys roaming about a futuristic dystopia with black and white photocopies of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face sellotaped around their heads.

Oh, like it’d make the film any worse.

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However, although he may have physically passed away, Paul Newman will never really die – he’ll live on forever in our hearts and minds with both his indelible, iconic movie roles and also his yummo salad dressing.

When someone as legendary as Paul Newman passes away, it’s only natural for other celebrities to share their memories of the deceased with everyone. So, as such, we’ve decided to pass on perhaps the most relevant tribute of all – Paul Newman’s co-star in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, The Sting and Termintor 3: Rise Of The Machines, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

On Friday night, Paul Newman died after a period of ill health. He was 83. During his lifetime, Paul Newman managed to succeed in industries as varied as food production, philanthropy and NASCAR, but the thing that he’ll go down in history for is his movie work.

The Hustler, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid, The Hudsucker Proxy, Road To Perdition – regardless of the age he made them, Paul Newman imbued all these movies with the sort of intelligent, dignified, macho cool that only really comes along once a generation.

So, as such, it’s only right that one of the men we should be paying attention to in the wake of Paul Newman’s death is his spiritual successor, Arnold Schwarzenegger – the man who took Paul Newman’s nuanced ethos and applied it to films about angry vikings and pregnant men.

Addressing a crowd of Olympians and Paralympians in California this weekend, Arnold Schwarzenegger took the time to commemorate Paul Newman’s passing. The Mercury News reports:

“There’s just one thing, news that we have, that is sad,” the governor said. “Last night Paul Newman passed away because of cancer, and so our thoughts and prayers go out to Joanne (Woodward)—his wife—and to his friends and his family.” Schwarzenegger had met Newman but never appeared with him in a movie.

Of course, it’s only right for Arnold Schwarzenegger to publicly mention Paul Newman’s death – as Governor of California, he’s ultimately in charge of a state that’s just 2,865 short miles away from where Newman lived.

Anyway, now that Schwarzenegger has paid tribute to Paul Newman, the grieving process can begin in earnest. And, if that means we’ll all get to watch Cool Hand Luke again in memorial, then at least some good can come of it.

If you happen to agree with us then you’re in for a treat – movie producer John Davis has decided to revive the Predator franchise. Not just that, but he wants to bring back the biggest star of any of the Predator movies at the same time. That’s right – Gary Busey.

No, wait, not Gary Busey. Arnold Schwarzenegger. John Davis wants to make Predator 3, and he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in it. Predator 3 is far from official, mind you, because nobody knows what Arnold Schwarzenegger’s long-term political goals are. Also, we assume it’ll probably be quite hard to find anyone clever enough to write a film where the universe’s most advanced game hunters have trouble outwitting a rich old bloke with a funny accent.

It’s now completely fine for older actors to return to their action movie roots. Everyone’s doing it – Bruce Willis made Die Hard 4, Harrison Ford made Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and Sylvester Stallone’s entire retirement plan seems to involve running through the jungle and firing a machine gun into the air until his knees eventually give out.

But there’s one action star who hasn’t chosen to do that – Arnold Schwarzenegger. Rather than, say, take the easy option and make Conan The Incontinent, Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to concentrate on his job as Governor or California – a task that involves nothing more than tutting about the paparazzi and making horribly smug tourism adverts sometimes.

But as thrilling as recommending state legislation is, there has to be a part of Arnold Schwarzenegger that misses the old days. The days where all he had to do was frown and explode people in an impenetrable European accent and people would give him a million dollars.

That’s what producer John Davis is hoping, anyway. He’s got it in his head to make Predator 3 and, more than anything else, he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to be in it. Davis told Collider:

“Well, the Governor has mentioned to me that when he ceases to be Governor, if he doesn’t run for the Senate and all of that stuff, he’d like to do a movie or two again. And I don’t know, maybe we could restart the Predator franchise… We’d have to come up with a really good script and a really great angle on it.”

What? No you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t need a great script for Predator 3 at all. We’ve seen Predator 2, Alien Vs Predator and Alien Vs Predator: Requiem, so we’re pretty sure that if you got a Romanian badger with learning difficulties do draw a picture of an explosion in wax crayon on a sheet of used toilet paper, it’d still probably qualify as the best Predator script that’s been written for 20 years.

Let’s be honest, though. Just because Arnold Schwarzenegger could make Predator 3, it doesn’t mean that he should. By the time he finishes his next term as Governor he’ll be 64 years old, and we just can’t see how that could make Predator 3 any good. We’ve looked at this from all angles, and here are the only ways that Predator 3 with Arnold Schwarzenegger could possibly work.

1 - The Predator has given up hunting for a life of conning the elderly out of their savings by fraudulently posing as a wall insulation salesman… but he picked the wrong vulnerable old man in Arnold Schwarzenegger.

2 - Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Predator decide their fate by having a Sudoku-off.

3 - Rather than coat himself in mud, Arnold Schwarzenegger accidentally defeats the Predator’s heat-vision by popping his colostomy bag on a hot radiator, skidding about in the mess until he’s covered in it and lying there for three days in the cold waiting for one of his children to come and help him up again.

4 - Not making Predator 3 with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Read more:

Producer John Davis Gives Updates on THE SIMS Movie, the Aliens vs. Predator Movies and Jason and the Argonauts! – Collider

So signing up to be in the new Terminator movie should be a breeze for the Batman Begins star.

Reports suggest Christian Bale is close to agreeing a deal to play ‘mankind’s saviour’ John Connor in Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, due to start filming in Budapest in April.

Directed by the ridiculously-named McG – the Charlie’s Angels helmer – the film is due to hit our screens in the summer of 2009.

Producers see the film as the first part of a trilogy that will breathe new life into the ailing franchise.

And judging by Bale’s star turn as the Dark Knight, there could yet be hope for mankind.

Read more:

Christian Bale To Star In Terminator Sequel – Reuters