Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Well, it appears that the feuding pair have called a truce and now, Angelina and Jane Pitt are acting like adults. Nice adults. Not those fighting adults.

Six long years these tits have been at it!

Why? Well, Jane, reportedly criticised Angelina’s mothering skills when she threw some kind of dreary children’s party for those babies they stole from some undernourished country. That ‘degenerated into a bitter showdown’.

Sources told NOW magazine:

“Ever since Brad got together with Angie, her poor relationship with his mom has been hanging over them like a dark cloud.”

They continued:

“Jane adored Jen and was devastated when Brad left her for Ange. It didn’t help that Ange’s attitude was pretty much: ‘Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am who I am – just deal with it.’ “

You can picture her saying it can’t you? Puce faced, tight-lipped sneering mother glaring at faux-sass indignant Hollywood bozo stood beside a greying Brad Pitt who wishes they’d both just piss off.

At least they’re all playing nice though, eh?

BUT NO-ONE CARES! EVEN US WHO ARE WRITING THIS GODAWFUL ARTICLE. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE US FOR WASTING YOUR STINKING TIME?

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Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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It is a truth passed down from generation to generation amongst Hollywood’s glittering elite. There’s no reason to make something if you can remake something. Hollywood film executives are willing to remake or reboot any film or franchise in the pursuit of artistic fulfilment*.

From tat like The Day The Earth Stood Still to horror classics like Dracula, it’s nigh-on impossible to escape the pervasive influence of the Hollywood remake in modern cinema. Hollywood is even willing to remake remakes and reboot reboots. One need only look at the treatment of The Incredible Hulk & Spiderman to see that Hollywood’s pursuit of film-making perfection** is a rolling juggernaut of epic proportions.

These big-money remakes of classics usually focus on films and characters that are omnipresent in the minds of the public, encouraging a sense of anticipation as idiots clamber over one-another to see the first teaser trailer on Youtube, while cynics raise their flared nostrils skywards and sniff loudly that it’s never going to be as good as the original.

Even the ‘modern classics’ aren’t safe. Those films that people loved as children for being cheese-filled romps full of dance sequences and genuinely awful dialogue are being recreated for the Glee generation. Just look at Footloose, a film so terrible the first time around that both Kenny Loggins & Kevin Bacon still have night terrors where they’re being chased around a small town by the blood-vomiting, putrefying corpse of John Lithgow. Now it is the turn of 1991 Surf ‘Em Up, Point Break to fall into the crosshairs of the Hollywood snipers.

Say what you want about the original Point Break; it’s not terribly good but it’s not terribly terrible. It is, without a doubt, one of those films that people remember fondly until they sit down to watch it one night and realise that they’d rather be face down in a shell-hole being stabbed in the back by a rusty bayonet than watching Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze play some hard-surfing, hard-loving, hard-men with Gary Busey thrown in to really ramp up the crazy factor.

Therefore, it’s the perfect film for Hollywood’s razor-taloned vultures to get involved with.

The remake has been picked up by Warner Bros & Alcon Entertainment who seem keen to get the film cranked out as quickly as possible, presumably in order to give it that rough, unprepared, ill-conceived notion that runs through most modern cinema. Yes, it really is a golden*** generation.

The film doesn’t have a director yet but movie-goers should have no fear. It already has a screenplay by Kurt Wimmer. Kurt Wimmer is the man behind 2010′s Angelina Jolie vehicle Salt. A statement released by Alcon Entertainment said, amongst other things:

“Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings. We’re very excited to be in business with Kurt, and Michael DeLuca, Chris Taylor, and John Baldecchi.”

This is Kurt Wimmer the man who- in case you missed it- wrote Salt, one of the least original films ever made by human hands. Luckily for Wimmer it would have been the least original film ever made but Tom Cruise had to drop out of the part and it was hastily re-written for Angelina Jolie.

Anyone unfamiliar with Wimmer’s work should watch any Steven Seagal film, replace the strong male protagonist with a strong female protagonist and imagine a twist that’s as insultingly blatant as asking a young police constable to hold your passport while you beat his grandmother about the head using his own truncheon.

We can only assume that these are the twists to which the Alcon Statement refers. We can only hope that the new Point Break will follow Salt’s lead and include an obvious set-up for a sequel which it will never get.

*Cash

**Money

***Bullion

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Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out £1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

All the suffering and hurt in the world weighed heavy on her shoulders as she quickly flicked through the racks, splashing out a admin monkey’s monthly wage on a number of pieces, including a mustard camisole, whatever the shit that is.

As well as worrying about the poor and needy, she was flanked by her stolen children, a bodyguard and personal assistant to help her carry the bags to her expensive car.

How wretched Jolie’s existence is.

And she’s not getting married. Nosiree. Jolie told Vanity Fair this week that she was not planning a secret wedding or anything like that, adding:

‘I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment.’

She’s far too busy acting like Bono for any of that nonsense.

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In further evidence that the world has entirely lost it’s mind, the actress Angelina Jolie – who plays make-believe for a living – was last night awarded the Heart of Sarajevo purportedly for her “active engagement in the complexities of the real world”.

As the Cyborg 2 star tearfully accepted the award, the rest of the world was reminded of the moment the satirist Tom Lehrer resigned after Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the height of the Vietnam War, claiming that satire had just become obsolete.

Applauding Hollywood’s most high-profile blood-vial wearing nut-job for her grasp of “the complexities of the real world” is like applauding a toddler for its grasp of the complexities of nuclear fission. Her own father claimed she had “serious mental problems” for God’s sake.

The Kung Fu Panda star attended her first wedding in black rubber pants and a white T-shirt, upon which she had written the groom’s name in her blood, claimed she almost hired a hitman to kill him, and was sectioned for three days at UCLA’s psychiatric ward shortly before marrying Billy Bob Thornton.

BILLY BOB THORNTON.

If the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow star lived round our estate she’d rightly be a social pariah, not have people queuing up to pin awards on her crazy-ass self.

Anyway, apparently she’s made some film about how it’s, like, a bit grim and that in Bosnia, and they’re all chuffed about it. Which is news to the rest of the world who – prior to Jolie’s selfless intervention – thought that the whole country was like a sort of giant Center Parcs or something.

We’re with Tom Lehrer on this one.

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Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

In the interests of complete transparency of the British press, we review the evidence in more detail…

First of all, this ‘mystery woman’. Just who is she, what is her job, why is she occasionally seen near Brad?

There seem to be few indications, other than the fact that she has only been photographed on the film set where she seems a constant presence, prominently wearing a production-staff ID around her neck and a copy of the shooting schedule clipped to her belt. THERE JUST AREN’T ANY CLUES! It’s almost like she works there or something.

Why are they spending so much time together? According to a ‘source’, “they’re always hanging out during filming and laughing.” What can this mean? Why only during filming? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! And what’s with all this laughing? What can the millionaire Brad Pitt possibly have to laugh about?

And of course, the truly damning piece of evidence – the arm-touching photo.

Oh do you know what, we can’t be bothered. We’re going to go out on a limb(!) and say that a female production runner on forthcoming film World War Z had to grab the arm of doe-eyed imbecile Brad Pitt to steer him in the direction of his next scene, if only to prevent him repeatedly banging into a brick wall with mounting confusion like the over-grown toddler he actually is.

And that a gossip rag more contemptible than even us has published the picture and is now encouraging it’s readers to wonder if Angelina now feels the way Jennifer Aniston did when Brad was merrily bursting Jolie on set. Classy.

We’re going to stake our reputation on the belief that Brad Pitt is not having an affair. And that Brad Pitt’s arm is not having an affair with a woman’s hand. And – very importantly – that Brad Pitt’s penis is not having an affair with a woman’s inner vaginal walls.

That last part is DEFINITELY not the case.

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Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, the woman who chose to impregnate herself with eight foetuses, in addition to the six children she already had, has admitted in an interview that she hates babies, and that they make her sick.

The interview in question is from US magazine InTouch, where Suleman is quoted as saying, “Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies.” continuing, “I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick … I don’t even look at them. I have to look away.”

In the same interview, living incubator Suleman, also admitted to locking herself in the bathroom in an attempt to just to get away from the fourteen disgusting creatures who ruined her insides and part of her outsides.

Once the interview was printed, Octomom released a statement to TMZ saying she never gave an interview to InTouch and that she has never said she is disgusted by her children, also denying locking herself in the bathroom, claiming, “I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock myself in the bathroom for hours.”

But what do you know, audio of the interview that never happened has leaked online, in all its baby-hating glory and we’ve managed to get our grubby little paws on it. You can listen to it here, you can even download it to your cut out and keep ‘Octomom Sticker Album’ if you must.

From anyone else this admission of disgust and hatred would seem shocking; after all babies are wonderful creatures full of joy, crap and vomit. However, multiply that joyful experience by fourteen and throw in a ruined uterus and face like Angelina Jolie on meth, and you have to give it to the woman, she should be allowed to hate her children.

Some people may criticise Octomom for her honesty, and her decision to bring fourteen kids into the world, but you have to imagine it from her point of view, for example, we hate spiders, but it doesn’t mean we would deny ourselves from spawning fourteen of them from our collective reproductive organs in return for being super famous…

This was an article by Ruairidh Pritchard who is currently undergoing an intensive and uncomfortable “initiation ceremony”  in the hecklerspray bedsit.

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Initially, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren’t bothering to get married because… well… it is a completely redundant institution for those who are petrified of being lonely, compelled to contractually oblige someone to stay with them, rather than, y’know, continue to make an effort.

That and they didn’t want to get married while there were gays in the world that weren’t being afforded the opportunity.

Then, the press then decided that they Brangelina were actually going to tie the knot, despite no indication from either of them. And just as suddenly, the press have decided that the whole thing is off… THANKS TO SOME HARRIDAN MYSTERY WOMAN AND BRADLEY PITT’S WANDERING LUST-EYE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON.

The angle on this tattle is this: Angelina Jolie is going mental with jealous rage because Brad Pitt has started to let his penis wander, like some kind of sex dowsing rod. Ergo, now Jolie knows just how Jennifer Aniston felt.

After six years together, with the seven year itch imminent, Pitt has apparently got some sort of relationship with another woman! A woman he works with! Because men and women find it physically impossible to avoid having sex with each other once they’ve struck up some kind of friendship! RIGHT?

There’s even photographs of Brad with a young, brunette female human, enjoying her company. It might as well be a close-up of him entering her.

And now, concerned insiders are winding everyone up by spouting off that Angie’s jealous rages are started to push Hollywood’s Brad Pitt away.

A source, clearly full of shit, says:

“Brad resents that Angelina is trying to control him. He told Angelina outright, ‘I’ve always had women friends, I’m always going to have women friends. End of story.’ ”

Naturally, Pitt loves the fact that Jolie is insane with overbearing rage.

“Of course, there’s a part of him — even though he would never admit it — that likes it. Angelina is usually this cool, unaffected, kind of untouchable woman, and when she shows some jealousy, it lets him know she has a weak spot — and that, obviously, she’s crazy about him.”

But. But. He is sticking his thingy up the mystery woman’s doo-dah, right? She’s not being jealous, she’s just found him out, right? That’s the story here isn’t it? The moral is that we shouldn’t ever trust other humans because, essentially, they’re all depraved liars who are hellbent on causing as much heartache as possible… that’s the vibe here isn’t it?

No?

What’s going on then? Surely people wouldn’t just assume a bunch of stuff in the name of getting a load of internet traffic?

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Because America is only about 4 years old compared to the rest of the world, it has to pin its dreams on daft things. They don’t have a royal family, so they obsess over various Kennedy family member and celebrities.

Concerning the latter, celebrity weddings are the closest thing they have to experiencing the collective thrill/antipathy of a Royal Wedding.

And now, America’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – are going to get married, which will be met with a whole range of emotions, starting at ‘boredom’ and ending at ‘anger’. ‘Vaguely pleased because they might be nice people for all we know’ probably makes an appearance somewhere in the middle.

After a whole six years together, where they adopted a child per year and force fed us all a stream of bile smelling charity, Brangelina/Jitt are going to tie the knot. Which knot we don’t know. We’re not allowed to go to weddings so we assume a vicar ties the bride and groom’s fingers together in some stupid, agonising religious ritual.

Apparently, this glamorous and irritatingly likeable pair will be saying “I do” in the renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, France, which is nice if you’re getting an invite. For those of us who aren’t, we’ll just have to choose between of seething envy or blind, pie-eyed reflected glee.

As is par for the course these days, ultra famous celebs don’t want super lavish bashes (not like in the past. Pitt has already had a million dollar nuptials when he snared Jennifer Aniston) and will be having a wedding that will be “intimate and informal”, according to a completely unreliable insider.

They’ll probably get married on the moon now that’s been said, just to irritate us all.

This is something of a turnaround though. The pair have resisted getting married until it became legal for everyone, be they gay or straight… it seems they couldn’t care less about the gays now.

The monsters.

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The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.

Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.

When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.

Rumours broke quicker than waters of a baby called Felicity being sawed out of Victoria Beckham who is still too vain to ruin her delicate lady garden by actually squeezing the thing out. However, it was all a massive lie.

Fact is, Posh Spice (she hates being called that doesn’t she? You can just tell) will NOT be giving birth her idiot daughter this week, a spokesperson has confirmed.

The spokesperson, already bored senseless by this babytalk but still maintaining a financial interest, stated:

“The rumours are rubbish, Victoria has not had the baby but she will be giving birth soon.”

In fact, it looks like the latest puking runt to be hoiked from a C-sectioned celebutwunt will grace our presence some time next week.

That’s just great isn’t it. We’ll get to see endless photographs of this baby… who looks like any other photoshopped baby… adorning hundreds of pages across various tedious magazines and newspapers.

It has been suggested that this Beckham Baby will be receiving media training before the umbilical tentacle is chopped and it will be taking questions at a press conference before it is a week old.

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Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have got married! Isn’t that adorable? As you know, we’ve been rooting for these guys for pretty much forever. And finally, after what has felt like ‘a very long time’ – the pair secretly got married in New York State last night, with only four very close family members as witnesses. AW GUYS! One slight problem.

SINCE WHEN HAVE RACHEL WEISZ AND DANIEL CRAIG SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LET ALONE FALLEN IN LOVE AND HAD ‘ROMANTIC RELATIONS’? (Sex.)

Not even pinnacles of celebrity journalism nosy parkers Daily Mail got wind of an engagement of any sort, although they did mention that ‘they saw Daniel and Rachel holding hands once’. Blush.

So, now that we all do know about it – we can get about six months worth of judgement of their relationship out the way now.

Okay? Do Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig make a good celebrity couple?

Here are a couple of pointers to properly deduce that.

PORTMANTEAU AVAILABILITY

3/10

Brangelina sounds so amazingly twattish, that it remains the top benchmark for any celebrity couple headline, followed closely by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ of ‘Bennifer’ fame. Brownie points go to Paris Hilton for blowing everybody’s minds by actually going out with someone called Paris for a while, and it being TRUE LOVE all at the same time.

As far as Rachel and Daniel go, there is no legitimate pun that properly meshes their names, which as we know – is the measure for true, uncharted love. Even Victoria Beckham’s adoration for her bobbed haircut, ‘The Pob’ managed to ruthlessly burn away any memory of an demented ’80s childhood puppet. Bitch.

Basically, Daniel and Rachel’s first names make ‘Rachel’, so it’s a gradual descent from here on in. ‘Craiz’ is the best one we’ve managed to muster so far. And it’s lousy. Someone email it to the 3am Girls just in case though. In terms of films the pair have both starred in, there is not much luck there either.

ABOUT A (WEDDING) JOY! THE NAME’S MARRIED! JAMES MARRIED RACHEL WEISZ, THAT IS!

LORD ASRIEL MEETS HIS SAPHIRA (From that film Eragon)

Hopeless.

ATTRACTIVENESS RATIO

7/10

Depends if you fancy boys or girls, really. But if you can properly adopt the Antony Costa Rules of Love for this situation, (ie: ANYBODY WILL DO) you can begin to appreciate that Daniel is only really attractive in that sort of ripped ‘shame about the face’ kind of way.

We’ve seen what Rachel Weisz would look like if she had cancer, and being mounted by Hugh Jackman in a bath, and we’d still tap that. (A heterosexual woman is writing this article.)

Also, when you look like an ugly version of your own ugly lookalike, that definitely puts things into perspective.

IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

DANIEL – 2/10
RACHEL – 8/10

This one is pretty straight forward. Both of the parties were married with children for long periods of time prior to their current relationship. Daniel Craig was with a film producer Satsuki Mitchell for a long time, and she seems quite lovely from photos. This is based on a flowery dress, and not much else.

Rachel of course was famously married to Darren Aronofksy for 8 years, which was one of those awesome director/actor relationships which always ended in *wavy hand* movies when they actually worked together. Such as Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet’s Revolutionary Road, and Rachel and Darren’s The Fountain. Both enjoyable films, but its probably fair to say that ultimately, we still enjoyed Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld movies more.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Although -

No, it was a lie.

PROBABILITY THAT THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER

2/10.

Congratulations Daniel and Rachel!

This post was written by Sophie Hall who is a master of magic, spells and illusion. Enemies grumble with fear and confusion.

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You there. You probably fancy Brad Pitt. You probably fancy Angelina Jolie as well. There’s laws written which mean that everyone must lust after one of them at some point in your pathetic excuse for a life, or else risk the punishment of certain death.

And now, we’re about to have our collective nose rubbed in the aggregate goo as it appears that this impossibly glamorous pair are going to wedding one off all over each other.

You can buy a hat, but there’s absolutely no chance of you being invited, unless Sir Elton John is reading this, in which case, bring us back some cake wrapped in a cheap napkin please or we’ll have to tell everyone that awful, awful secret of yours.

It would seem that Brangelina (or Jitt, if you prefer) are thinking about tying the knot (which knot? We’ve yet to see a knot at a wedding! Unless it means the knot in the stomach of attending mistresses and ex-lovers still hung-up on the bride or groom).

Why? Something to do with their stupid children probably (called Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox, sounding like a range of lifestyle electrical goods).

Brad says, seemingly unrelated initially:

“There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.”

Does that sound like a euphemism for ‘Hey, kids! Don’t come knockin’ as the bed’s about to be rockin” to anyone else? If that’s the case, they’re going to have some delightfully warped children.

On marriage, Pitt and Jolie have said that they wouldn’t marry until gay people could do so legally… however…

“The kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them. So it’s something we’ve got to look at.”

Or, y’know, just do what every father should do and thrash them with a belt and send them to bed for even daring to talk without raising their hand first.

Just us?

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