Are you impossibly rich? Do you have a legitimately irrational infatuation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?

Do you like shiny things? Are you a little bit dim? You are? That’s brilliant! We’ve got some wonderful news for you – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed their own range of gold and silver jewellery and accessories that’s about to go on sale at high-end jewellery stores in London, Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo and Dubai.

Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly decided to make a swan out of some scrunched-up tinfoil, and she’ll be selling it from the boot of her car outside an abandoned fairground at 2am on Thursday. That’s right, Jennifer! That’ll show her!

You can tell how famous someone is by what they do in their free time. Do they star in television commercials? Then they’re not really that famous. Do they star in television commercials that are only broadcast in Japan? Then they’re a little more famous. Do they have their own perfume? Then they’re a little more famous than that. Do they spend most of their free time scouting third world countries for vulnerable-looking babies to steal? Then they must be top-rate celebrities.

But what if they’ve also got their own range of serpent-themed jewellery? Well, then they’re either a) obviously on the wane and desperately scrabbling around for their own guest spot on the QVC Affordable Sparkles hour or b) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

That’s right – now Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can add jewellery design to their expanding portfolio of skills that already includes urban renewal, humanitarian work, adoption and starring in a long line of films that aren’t quite as good as you’d expect them to be. We’ll let People fill in the details:

The power couple has teamed with a top British jeweler to come up with a series of designs for everything from earrings, pendants, bangles, rings to a silver spoon and egg cup.  For Jolie, 34, the inspiration for the collection was obvious. While she was expecting Shiloh, she was given a special gift — a protective snake ring… Jolie has come to view the motif as something of a family guardian.

Oh good, because snakes are so famous for protecting people, aren’t they? Not biting people or strangling them or pumping them full of so much poison that they stop breathing or dislocating their jaws and swallowing them whole or anything like that. Honestly, snakes are rubbish at protecting people. Unless you’re being attacked by a mongoose, of course, but even then there’s a fighting chance that the snake and the mongoose would just gang up and double-team you to death. Snakes are bastards.

Anyway, we can’t be too rude about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s jewellery line because all proceeds will go to the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict. Honestly, we can’t imagine how much better would the world be if more people drew a picture of a teaspoon with a poxy snake hanging off it and then charged idiots $525 to buy one of them.

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It must be International Fibbing Week or something, because it seems like untruths are spilling from celebrities, like soup from bearded tramp’s inebriated spluttering mouth. Yesterday Posh Spice said something about not being remotely thin. And today, it turns out that Angelina Jolie has been insisting to OK! Magazine –  the UK’s least discerning showbusiness pamphlet – that she’s completely normal. Not totally weird at all.

Only, she is totally weird. We know that.

Discussing her new role as mother to children with intriguing names – Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Knox, Vivienne – she breezily pointed out that she’s “just a dedicated mother, really quite normal.” Whilst obviously stretching the boundaries of what “normal” might be with a single sentence.

Some people would argue that dedicated, normal mothers probably didn’t marry their first husband – let’s call him Johnny Lee Miller - wearing a pair of tight rubber trousers, and a white shirt with his name scrawled on it in blood. Her blood. To hammer home the point – Jolie, normal, spent a good few minutes before her first wedding day cutting herself, then romantically spattering the groom’s name all over a crisp white blouse. Possibly cackling loudly as she went. Most girls would probably settle for a nice white dress, with a zany veil attached. Or, if they’re feeling unusual and wacky, something wild – like a cream dress.

Also rather less than normal was the time the actress married Billy Bob Thornton – her second three-named groom – and thought it best that they both carried a vial of one another’s blood around their necks. The woman, it seems, equates blood with romance. Again, this could be considered rather less than usual behaviour. 

Yes, quite a few mums do have tatts these days. Normally something classy, like a butterfly at the small of their back – which, it has been pointed out, might as well be a bull’s eye – or a small dolphin happily swimming around on their stomach. But Jolie has taken tatts on mothers to another level, with bits of Buddhist Sanskrit, latin proverbs, roman numerals, entire history lectures, sculptures, numerous paintings, and a small donations box. The woman is like a big fleshy museum, who could probably home school her children with just the contents of the artwork on her back.

And, rounding off the list of things that make Angelina Jolie considerably less normal than the rest of the world is that she’s a regular bed partner to Brad Pitt. Him a lusted after screen hunk, her seemingly popular in a sexual sense with both men and women. So please, Jolie, don’t say you’re “normal”. If you’re normal, the rest of us are screwed.

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Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in.

It’s true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn’t true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis – but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood’s top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.

We know what you’re thinking – where’s Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt’s magic wand willy is that magic, OK?

If you need us at any point over the weekend, we’ll be at Brad Pitt’s house. You’ll be able to tell who we are – we’ll be dressed in a slinky frock like the one Bugs Bunny wears when he tries to woo Elmer Fudd, and we’ll be trotting up and down Brad’s driveway with half our bum hanging out and three packets of Rohypnol in our handbag.

Because, lord, look at the statistics. The last two people who Brad Pitt slept with were probably Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have just been named as the top two highest-earning actresses in Hollywood. So it’s definitely worth trying to have sex with Brad Pitt. True, we might end up being dealt a rubbish hand like Gwyneth Paltrow was and end up getting married to a whining gonk from a crap band, but that’s a chance we’d be prepared to take.

Because Brad Pitt must be the reason why Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have done so will in this Forbes list. He must be. Look at the films that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston have released in the last year – some cack about a dog, a gormless procession of slow motion explosions, a Ben Affleck film and an over-serious lot of piff that involved little more than wearing a hat and shrieking “Where’s my son?” seven hundred billion times in a row – you can’t seriously tell us that people liked any of those, can you?

But, hey, what do we know? Forbes reports:

Between June 2008 and June 2009, Jolie earned an estimated $27 million. Much of that came from her share of the profits on Wanted, but she also scored a fat upfront check for Salt. Coming in second behind Jolie is Jennifer Aniston. Aniston earned $25 million.

We should probably point out that there’s still a vast gender gulf when it comes to Hollywood earnings. Angelina Jolie might have earnt $27 million in the last year, but that’s nothing compared to the $65 million that Harrion Ford earnt in the same period of time. And he earnt it for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. What sort of sick world is this?

But back to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. What are they going to spend all their money on? Well, there’s a chance that Angelina Jolie will dedicate a portion of it to her various philanthropic works. And Jennifer Aniston? Well that army of winged monkeys won’t train itself to attack Angelina Jolie by smell alone by itself, will it?

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Oh thank goodness. We’ve been waiting for this. Ever since Angelina Jolie was named as the world’s most powerful celebrity, we’ve been waiting.

We’re referring to Jennifer Aniston’s crackpot retort, of course. And, on Friday at the Women In Film Awards, that retort finally came. Dressed in about three square millimetres of tinfoil, Jennifer Aniston hopped up on stage and – get this – told a self-deprecating joke about her love life. Take that, Brangelina!

Obviously Jennifer Aniston’s appearance and joke may have had little or nothing to do with Angelina Jolie whatsoever. But that’d be less entertaining, so shut up.

This endless back and forth struggle for attention between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie has got to stop before it spirals out of control. It’s getting crazy – first Angelina Jolie was named as the most powerful celebrity on Earth, then Jennifer Aniston tells a joke at an awards show. Then Angelina Jolie has to respond by sticking the knife in again via the medium of donating a million dollars to help treat children with cancer, only for Jennifer Aniston to go one better by wearing a fairly shiny dress. It’s madness. Actual madness.

And, yes, you might argue that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie aren’t constantly trying to top each other in public, and that this feud is an entirely fabricated media construct whereby anything said or done by Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie gets twisted so that it looks like a part of an ongoing bitter squabble, and that the only logical way for this to end is for both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie to become actual reclusive life-long hermits. To which we say ‘Duh, that’s kind of the point. Stop spoiling it.’

But anyway, where were we? Oh yes, that’s it – Jennifer Aniston furiously lashed out at Angelina Jolie at the Women In Film Awards on Friday by wearing a short silver dress that showed off her boobs quite a lot and then telling a joke that didn’t reference Angelina Jolie by name at all and probably wasn’t even about her or anything. What a massive bitch.

According to People, when Jennifer Aniston won the Crystal Award for expanding the role of women in the entertainment industry on Friday, she made this crack:

“It’s funny — I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I’m doing and my life offscreen. It started with ‘The Good Girl,’ then of course ‘Rumor Has It,’ followed by ‘Derailed.’ Then there was ‘The Break Up.’… “If any of you have a project titled ‘Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,’ I’m at table six and my agents are at table 12!”

It’s a nice joke, although Jennifer Aniston clearly forgot to mention her role in He’s Just Not That Into You, where the titular ‘he’ refers to any man who she’s starring in a movie with, except for the exact duration of the promotional cycle for that given movie, in which case he’s willing to appear to be into you quite a lot.

Anyway, let’s put aside this ridiculous, completely made-up Aniston/ Jolie feud to celebrate the fact that Jennifer Aniston has been recognised for her perseverance and determination to expand the gender-constricted roles found in the entertainment industry. It’s proof that – no matter how hard Hollywood tries to crush your feminist ideals – with a little hard work and a lot of dedication, you too might end up being able to beat the system by starring in a kid’s film about an adorably naughty little doggy-woggy. Inspiring stuff.

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Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way.

We’re not experts, so we don’t know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple.

Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.

There’s no doubting Angelina Jolie’s power, is there? Obviously that’s reliant on the assumption that you equate someone’s power with their ability to a) weedle in on their boyfriend’s fame, b) sporadically go to Africa to pull sad faces for the paparazzi and c) professionally alternate between making lowbrow films that nobody likes and highbrow films that nobody watches, but whatever.

It doesn’t matter what you think about Angelina Jolie, because she’s powerful. No, scrap that – she’s all-powerful. Cross Angelina Jolie and she’ll summon up the energy from the universe and kill you with a blast of electricity that comes straight out of her eyes. Or, you know, she’ll get her bodyguard to beat you up a bit. They’re essentially the same thing.

How do we know that Angelina Jolie is so powerful? Because Forbes magazine says she is. Angelina has made the top spot of Forbes‘ annual Celebrity 100 list, beating off the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Orange out of Take That, Carol Vorderman, the woman off the Claims Direct advert and Ghandi. Why is Angelina Jolie so powerful? We’ll let AP explain that:

The actress grabbed the No. 1 spot on the magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which ranks the rich and famous based on media exposure and career earnings over the past year. Jolie, a reigning tabloid fixture, earned $27 million, bumping her up from third place on last year’s list, Forbes said, adding that she wields more power due to high-profile turns in hit films such as “Wanted” and “Kung Fu Panda.”

Oh, that makes sense. Last year, after all, Angelina Jolie starred in Wanted, Changeling and Kung Fu Panda, so let that be a lesson to anyone who wants the sort of power that Angelina Jolie currently wields – you need to star in one identikit action film with a pointlessly generic title, one over-long piece of failed Oscar bait where all you need to do is cry and repeat “I want to find my son” endlessly for two and a half hours, and a quite-good film in which you neither physically appear or have much to do with at all.

Oh, and shack up with Brad Pitt. That last one’s probably key.

Still, Angelina Jolie being named as the world’s most powerful celebrity isn’t all bad news. It almost certainly means that Jennifer Aniston is going to do something properly mental any minute now. And bloody well hooray for that.

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There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble.

The second is that their marriage is fine. The third – the school we subscribe to – goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won’t you make it stop shut up.

So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.

Over the years, we’ve come to expect a lot from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – be it their continued smash-and-grab trolley dash of an adoption strategy, or the birth of The Most Beautiful Human On Earth, or – at the very least – a relentless, petty dismissal of Jennifer Aniston’s worth as a human being.

But lately Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given us none of this. They haven’t even instructed their bodyguards to rough up some photographers in a fit of power-crazed Roman Emperor-style bloodlust lately. Honestly, it’s like the fight’s gone out of them.

However, if you read any of the one-word weekly women’s magazines like Heat or Look or OK or Guff or Clodge or Spaz or Gurrrrrrr, then you’ll know exactly why this is – it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. No, really, they are. They’re definitely splitting up because they work too hard and Brad Pitt’s parents still like Jennifer Aniston and one of them wants more kids and the other one doesn’t and they’re definitely splitting up. You know, just like how they were definitely splitting up in 2006.

In truth, nobody knows if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.

But despite this, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening in Cannes awkwardly snogging like a couple of socially-incompetent 13-year-olds at a school disco, just to prove that they can still just about stand each other. The Sun reports:

At the aftershow party they gave every impression of togetherness but there appeared to be awkwardness between them. They sat together and Angie put her hand on Brad’s thigh yet he is seen looking away and appears distracted. Then at one point Brad looked as if he went to kiss his partner – and she seemed to pull away.

So what does this mean? Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making a hamfisted stab at romance in an attempt to prove their detractors wrong? Or did the glare of the world’s press simply ruin their mojo? If you ask us – and you should – then our timely and scholarly response would be this: shut up shut up shut up stop going on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie all the titting time shut up shut up look we’ve got our fingers in our ears we can’t hear you LALALALALALALA shut up shut up.

Which, we think you’ll find, is fairly comprehensive.

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Imagine going on a date with someone who seems perfectly normal. Throughout the course of the evening, you notice that they have a little vial around their neck.

“Oh, that, that’s just my ex husband’s blood.” says your date as she pours you another glass of wine. “When I’m not looking after my fifty six billion children, I’m busy learning how to knife throw and kissing my brother in a way that could only be described as really really creepy. What do you do in your spare time?”

I reckon it’d take you about ten seconds to make your ’something bad happened’ excuse and get the  hell out of there. Leaving your wallet, phone and passport behind if you had to. Run! Run away!

Unless you’re on a date with Angelina Jolie.

Despite this woman being as mad as a box of frogs, we take one look at her (frankly fantastic) rack and forget all about her crazy blood carrying incestuous ways. You can be as mad as you like in Hollywood, as long as you’re pretty enough to distract people. We don’t really like the crazy, we’re just willing for forget about it.

Once upon a time, Britney Spears was every man’s school uniform wanking fantasy. And she always was a bit crazy (years of Disney will do that to you). But until she decided to shave off her pretty blonde mane, no one noticed. Once she looked a bit trailer trash, everyone thought she’d gone nutty. The fact is, she’d always been a bit nutty, we just didn’t have anything pretty to detract from this. She was just all crazy and no hair extensions.

If you’re pretty in Hollywood, you can get away with anything. I’m not saying every pretty girl is mad as a tree (Kate Hudson is just lovely, isn’t she?), but they could be if they wanted. The prettier you are, the more crazy you can get away with.

If Tom Cruise had gone a bit mad in his gay icon Top Gun phase we’d have forgiven him and he’d have been topless on the cover of Vanity Fair. Instead we (and every movie maker every to snort a line of coke) cross the street to avoid him and his Scientologist buddies. He’s not that pretty anymore, is he?

If you’re not convinced by my prettiness Vs crazy equation (PX10 = C), take a look at Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s sometimes really really pretty. And sometimes really really ugly. She’s also a little bit weird. But she’s not totally crazy. Because she’s not always pretty enough to carry it off. She’s treading a fine line that Gylenhaal woman. One step too far and she’ll be shaving her head and kissing her brother and we won’t forgive her for it. Instead we’ll point and laugh at her crazy ways until she sorts herself out with a bit of slap and nice dress.

Then we’ll forget aaaaaall about it.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Sian Meades from the wonderful Domesticsluttery.com, which you should probably all visit now.

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With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect.

How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears?

Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.

Click here to launch the gallery

24 – Gisele

Fancy a ride?

23 – Kim Kardashian

Have you seen that sex tape?

22 – Vanessa Hudgens

Almost makes watching High School Musical worthwhile. No, what are we thinking? She doesn’t.

21 – Marissa Miller

A Sports Illustrated bikini model.

20 – Britney Spears

OK, so she’s nuts, but she used to be quite hot.

19 – Keeley Hazell

We can think of two reasons for her inclusion here.

18 – Hayden Panittiere

17 – Halle Berry

16 – Natalie Portman

The only reason anyone watched the Star Wars prequels.

15 – Shakira

Sexy, just don’t confuse her humble breasts for mountains.

14 – Evangeline Lilly

13 – Tricia Helfer

The sexiest toaster we’ve ever seen.

12 – Adriana Lima

We are just nuts about this Brazilian.

11 – Beyonce

That Jay-Z is a lucky chap.

10 – Scarlett Johannson

Seems like everyone’s got Scarlett fever.

9 – Elisha Cuthert

Back in 24, but is it better? No.

8 – Melissa Theuriau

Looks, she can even make earthquakes sexy.

7 – Allesandra Ambrosio

Ambrosio? Doesn’t that mean ‘food of the Gods’?

6 – Lena Heady

Makes us proud to be British.

5 – Megan Fox

What a, ahem, fox.

4 – Jessica Biel

Easy virtues? We wish.

3 – Tina Fey

Brains, beauty and funny. Perfect… almost.

2 – Angelina Jolie

Two words – grey wetsuit.

1 – Jessica Alba

We think we’re in love.

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Miley Cyrus has reassured a panicked Angelina Jolie that she is not stalking her and that she does not have a girl crush on her. Sources say the emergency sniffer dogs and snipers have been called off.

The pint-sized pop singer had previously scared the bejeesus out of Saint Angelina and Angie’s marauding horde of celebrity worshipers on Oscar Night by declaring “She’s beautiful…she could, like, adopt me!”

Thankfully, for all those concerned, security was tight on the night and so nobody over-excitedly assaulted or adopted anybody they should not have.
Saint Angie and her blessed womb presumably bobbed and weaved and avoided the shrill tween star, lest she be ’sad faced’ by those undeniably chubby cheeks and weepy eyes and tricked into welcoming Miley into her brood.

You all know Miley’s ’sad face’ right? It was the same one that she used on her daddy when she asked if it was okay to date a post-tween, buff male model aged 20-years, Justin Gaston. Well, one cannot know that was the method used for sure, but she must have either stuck out her bottom lip so far that she could have drowned in her own dribble as a result, or Daddy Cyrus is even more of a soft touch than his detractors think he is.

Baby-faced Miley is apparently keen for the world to know that her stalker tendencies are not anything for the FBI to get their panties in a bunch about. In fact she says that her mild obsession with worshipping at the Holy Church of Saint Angie is far short of anything that should be considered a Brangaloonie ‘girl crush’.

From OK magazine:

“I don’t have a girl crush on Angelina, but I definitely think she’s super beautiful and anyone that says she’s not pretty is lying to you because she is gorgeous,” Miley said. “She’s really unique and never scared to step over the line and be crazy and be herself. I like that.”

There you have it, emergency averted. The sanity, sexuality and parentage of the Hannah Montana star are assured.

Mind you, given her choice of man, maybe swinging the other way for someone as smoking hot as Angelina would not be such a bad way to go. Better a bisexual saint with a baby obsession, than a man-tanned underwear model with ‘gay face’ so potent that it could make Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford go green with envy.

That was a guest blog by the effortlessly wonderful Amy Grindhouse. Read her and weep. No, that’s not right…

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Sorry if that just blew your mind. But we can’t keep news this gigantic away from you – Angelina Jolie has changed her haircut. True, Angelina only changed it for a film – and she’s only put a couple of wigs on rather than properly changing her actual hair – but still, eh? Blimey.

It’s hard to see how Jennifer Aniston will top this – maybe in her next film she’ll wear some glasses or a nice hat or something. Goodness, this rivalry is brutal.

Angelina Jolie’s career path is an easy one to predict. Every summer she’ll release a barely-watched action movie about a tattooed woman who likes to shoot things in slow motion, and every winter she’ll release a harrowing real-life story about a woman who cries a lot because she thinks this will win her an Oscar even though it never does.

And since Angelina Jolie’s last movie was Changeling – for which she didn’t win any Oscars – that can only mean that her next film will be a hokey, slightly low-rent action film. And guess what? It is.

Angelina Jolie’s next film will be Salt, a film that’s either about a hotshot superspy or some salt. We haven’t got round to looking it up yet. And, just because it’s not one of Angelina Jolie’s highbrow Oscarbait movies, it doesn’t mean that she’s not completely dedicated to the production.

For A Mighty Heart, for instance, Angelina Jolie became friends with the woman she was portraying onscreen, learnt how to perfectly mimic her accent, explored the extremes of human emotion to give the agonising story a sense of verisimilitude and risked controversy by blacking up for it.

Meanwhile, for Salt, Angelina Jolie has decided to put a couple of wigs on. The Envelope reports:

Angelina Jolie will play a spy who wears a lot of different disguises — including blond and brunet banged wigs — in the new spy thriller from director Phillip Noyce called “Salt.” “She’s a character you never know,” says producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura “People who think they know the real her may or may not. Those who think they can tell whether she’s in a disguise also may or may not.”

You hear that, Brad Pitt? The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button may have broken the mould in terms of three-dimensional facial manipulation technology, but Angelina Jolie is willing to put a couple of wigs on when she makes a film. She’s the powerhouse in this relationship, and you’d do well to remember that.

Incidentally, you may remember Salt as the movie that had to be completely rewritten when Tom Cruise dropped out and Angelina Jolie took his place. That means that this was almost a story about Tom Cruise having a slightly different haircut than normal. Thank God it wasn’t. We honestly don’t think we’d have been able to take the excitement.

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That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night’s Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years.

They didn’t fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie’s face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum’s a slag before chanting the word ’scrap’ until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.

Forget all the hoo-ha about Slumdog Millionaire and Sean Penn and Hugh Jackman, because there was only one way to watch the Oscars popular this year – a full-on, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, vaguely-lesbian catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet.

And it could have happened, too – as we’ve already reported, last night’s Oscars saw Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie forced together in a way not seen since we read some disturbingly specialist fan fiction about them the other week.

Would Jennifer Aniston still be so filled with bitterness about her divorce from Brad Pitt that she’d fling herself at Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet and start punching away? Would Angelina Jolie respond by turning her arm into a Terminator-style metal spike and pushing it through Jennifer Aniston’s skull? Literally about 12 people on the internet were breathless with anticipation.

However, while the long-awaited physical fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie didn’t transpire at the Oscars, that didn’t stop the producers from doing their best to give the people what they want. Last night, Jennifer got to introduce a segment with Jack Black and – as Oscars segment-introduction tradition dictates – Jennifer Aniston was nervous, stilted, awkward and unfunny for the duration of it.

So what one thing could compound Jennifer Aniston’s fear even further during her time on stage? That’s right, multiple close-ups of Angelina Jolie’s great big face. Fox News reports:

Oscar telecast producers panned to Brad and Angelina not once, but twice, as a visibly nervous Aniston did her schtick. In the first pan to Brangelina, Jolie was gamely guffawing as Aniston, whom Pitt left in 2005 in order to be with Jolie, hammed it up. In the second pan, the couple looked on with the bemused half-grins we’ve come to know from literally thousands of paparazzi pics over the past three years.

Depending on who you are, Angelina Jolie’s cutaway reactions to Jennifer Aniston will mean completely different things. Team Jolie will praise Angelina for smiling at Jennifer with grace and dignity, while team Aniston will think that Angelina was laughing at Jennifer’s discomfort like some sort of awful witch.

The truth? Nobody knows. What we do know, though, is that if producers really wanted to turn the Oscars into an episode of Jerry Springer, then they really needed to put a little triangle in the corner of the screen reading ‘Hey bitch, I stole your husband and we both think you’re an asshole’ while a podgy redneck whoops and takes his shirt off. And they didn’t even invite Tim Allen to the show as far as we know. A trick missed, Oscars, a trick missed.

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And sheer, unstoppable violence. After years of false starts and meticulously choreographed social planning, the Long-Awaited, Breathlessly-Anticipated And Borderline-Erotic Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Catfight is due to take place at this Sunday’s Oscars.

What’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie finally meet? We’re guessing either a) a full-on, bloody-nosed, hair-pulling fistfight, b) some sort of awkwardly curt nodded acknowledgement of one another or c) lesbian kissing. We know we speak for all men when we say: Woohoo! Go b)!

This year’s Oscars are going to be exceptionally important for both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is in line to win her first Oscar for almost a decade, while Jennifer Aniston is hoping to prove that she can get within 200 feet of Angelina Jolie without rugby-tackling her to the ground and trying to rabbit-punch her in the clodge.

It’s been years since Brad Pitt decided that he’d rather have hundreds of little brown babies instead of one white baby with a funny-looking chin and left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and yet Jennifer and Angelina have managed to studiously avoid each other like the plague since then – even if it meant cancelling public appearances.

But no more. No longer will Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie be able to continue their weird little magazine proxy war, because on Sunday they’re going to meet. Face to face. At the Oscars.

And they’re bound to fight. They’re bound to. We hear that – upon sight of Jennifer Aniston – Angelina Jolie plans to shed her children and let them attack Jennifer like a tiny Cloverfeld-style infantry, although Aniston will make easy work of them by repelling them with her unusually shrill voice. And, at that point, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie will punch each other on the fist and explode into dust, like at the start of Rocky IV, and then we can all go home.

Or they’ll deliberately be sat at opposite ends of the auditorium and try to remain as dignified as possible because they’re both civilised people. After all, it’s not as if Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, is it? The Boston Herald reports:

“(Jennifer) has never been more ready to see her nemesis in the flesh… It’s important for Jen to feel she can stack up to Angelina with her dress, her hair, and her date (John Mayer),” a source told OK! Magazine. “And now couldn’t be better timing. (Jen) has always known this moment would happen… She’s no longer alone – she has a hot man in her life, John Mayer, and she plans to bring him as her date to the party.”

Oh, Angelina Jolie is Jennifer Aniston’s nemesis, then. Our mistake. In that case, this is going to be the bloodthirstiest Oscars EVER!

Who’ll win? Who’ll lose? To be honest we don’t care. So long as Ryan Seacreast gets smacked in the face with a stray shoe trying to break them up, we’ll be happy.

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Folded:

• Douglas Ankrah (master mixer)
• Buying flowers on Valentine’s Day (some guys have gotten so crap that buying shoddy carnations is enough to put you in the good books for a month. Thank you all crap men)
• Angelina Jolie (yep, say what you like, she’s still got it)
• Giraffe-a-licious (calm, cosy blog time)
• Fatfingers.com (take advantage of dopy spellers on eBay)

Creased:

• Russian Standard vodka (council estate rough)
• Normal DVDs (so blurry you may as well be watching drunk. Let’s Blu-ray the world)
• Killzone 2 on PS3 (download the demo. Marvel at the graphics and general relentlessness. Wonder if FPS games will ever feel the need for a proper story)
• Google Ocean (who could ever be this bored?)
• Finding anywhere that sells Martini glasses (cocktails are still all the go, so purchasing these James Bond tipplers is essential. Try finding some for reasonable bucks though. Not easy, alcohol fans. Not easy.

So that makes Brad Pitt a lunatic. Reports are zinging around about Brad Pitt taking his adopted sons Maddox and Pax to Las Vegas to eat burgers and play Nintendo together. Without question, this is clearly the biggest news of the decade, if not history.

Let’s just be thankful that it was Brad Pitt who did this and not Angelina Jolie, because then Jennifer Aniston would feel obliged to counter it by suckling a wolverine or something, and we’re getting so tired.

Without question, this is going to be a very trying weekend for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. At the Oscars on Sunday, both Brad and Angelina will be tested to the very limits of their ability to smile serenely in the face of defeat, as The Changeling and Benjamin Button will almost definitely get passed over in favour of Depressing Kate Winslet Holocaust Vehicle and Depressing Mickey Rourke Mumbling Vehicle.

So, because they’ll be spending most of next week having the brittle grins massaged out of their faces with a combination of pumice stone and coathanger, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to cut loose.

Well, Brad Pitt has decided to cut loose.

If your definition of cutting loose involves spending hours on end playing a videogame that makes your arm hurt with some infants in the noisiest, most needlessly brightly-coloured city on Earth, that is.

Which it almost certainly doesn’t.

Basically Brad Pitt has gone to Las Vegas with some of his adopted children and that’s the entire story. TMZ reports:

Brad decided to take his sons Maddox and Pax for a guys-night out in Sin City, where we’re told the big highlight of the trip was a trip to In-n-Out Burger — followed by a serious Nintendo Wii bonding session in their hotel room at the Hard Rock. We’re also told the man-Pitts hit up the MGM Grand at some point in the evening because they wanted to check out the lions.

We’re sure that Brad Pitt is having a whale of a time with his kids in Vegas, but where’s Angelina Jolie in all of this? Why, she’s in New York – possibly househunting and almost certainly saddled with changing her twins’ shitty nappies and stopping Shiloh and Zahara from trying to kill each other all the time.

Maybe that’s just how it rolls in the Jolie-Pitt household – the women stay at home wiping up each others’ fecal matter while the men go off gallivanting. Let’s hope so, anyway, because otherwise it’d totally spoil Brad Pitt’s plans to mark Maddox’s tenth birthday with a cigar and brandy party, and also his wishes that the onset of Pax’s puberty should be marked by an awkward, permanently-scarring all-night visit to an unlicensed backstreet stripclub. Probably.

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How so? Humanitarian aid? International sanctions against its military junta? A UN investigation into alleged human rights violations? Oh, don’t be daft – we mean that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are probably going to adopt a baby from Myanmar instead.

And while that might seem a little halfhearted, it really isn’t – once Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have adopted their little Burmese baby, all of Myanmar will be united. Shared resentment of sanctimonious moviestars, that’s what really heals a country.

She’s experimented a little in the past, with babies from Africa and the inside of her own guts, but Angelina Jolie’s heart will always be in South East Asia. She’s already adopted Maddox from Cambodia, Pax Thien from Vietnam and now it looks like Angelina’s gunning for Arbitrary Collection Of Consonants (name unconfirmed) from Myanmar, too.

Perhaps because Myanmar has come in for a ridiculous amount of trouble of late, in the form of cyclones and famine and oppressively violent juntas – or perhaps because she’s just trying to top Jennifer Aniston, who was recently quite nice to a dog – Angelina Jolie looks set to adopt a child from Myanmar as soon as she can.

Angelina has already visited the area and now, as the News Of The World reports, she’s vaguely hinted that the next time she returns, it’ll be with her child-catching net:

Clan BRANGELINA is set to swell yet again with ANGELINA JOLIE setting her sights on adopting a baby from troubled Myanmar— that’s Burma to you and me. The Tomb Raider star visited the region before the BAFTAs. Asked if she wanted more kids, Ange last night said: “Yes, of course. Both adopted, and our own. I can see further additions to the family.”

Now we’ve looked at this from all angles and have come to the conclusion that Angelina Jolie adopting a baby from Myanmar is a resoundingly great idea. Obviously just by the fact that she does it, Angelina Jolie will be highlighting the region’s problems to an audience that perhaps doesn’t know much about it, plus the millions of dollars that she’ll inevitably receive from the baby’s first magazine photoshoot is bound to go to a deserving charity.

What’s more, when Angelina Jolie adopts a new baby she always gives it a ridiculous new name, which will help the clueless pikeys of the world to name their own babies.

Plus, and this is the best news of all, Angelina Jolie is committed to raising her adopted children in a way that constantly reminds them of their origins, and that’s bound to help the cottage industry of expat Burmese Buddhist monks who get paid to be violently beaten by the infant children of American millionaires. Angelina Jolie should be applauded for that.

Read more:

Angelina Wants Another - NOTW

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