Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.

As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.

It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.

Yes, we are loathe to report to you that 63 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has taken a “nasty fall” in the shower and has been rushed to hospital.

Little is known of his current condition but it has been suggested that the American Idol judge escaped with only a few broken teeth with doctors claiming that his injuries could have been much worse if his lips hadn’t cushioned the fall. hecklerspray is thankful that this elder statesman is due to make a full, toothy recovery.

Unfortunately, the Aerosmith representative that we didn’t speak to was unable to give us any more information on the older gentleman’s condition but did suggest that he may have to use a wheelchair as part of a publicity stunt.

Please folks. Hug a pensioner. Unless they’re off their tits on smack, obviously.

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Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.  Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.

To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.

Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.  Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.

So in our American X Factor Video Special you’re going to have to watch videos of past American Idol contestants because we just realised that this is a brand spanking new television drama just waiting to redeem our souls.

Americas sweetheart and answer to Will Young shook talentless middle America to it’s very core when she won the first season of American Idol at the tender, chubby age of 20, but that was nothing compared to her emotionally wrought (let’s face it) video for ‘Because Of You’.

It may not have been her first single and it may have come years into her probably floundering career, but 2005 was never the same after little Kelly Clarkson had her hair done and showed off her acting chops.  As the runner up in 2003’s World Idol we can safely rest in the knowledge that there is only one human on the planet who is better than her. Fact. So while all tonight’s hicks are crying about failing the 3rd grade spelling bee on the word ‘grape’ that one day they might be belting out covers of Sheryl Crowe songs that bring all that resentment to the surface.  This ladies and gents is where it all started. Nobody even knows who you are Kurt Nilsen!

Season 2 gave us the comedy fat-guy with a heart of gold and inner turmoil.  Ruben Studdard, kangol hat finely atop his head, is that man. He wears big floating shirts and gets praise from people like Luther Vandross, when they aren’t looking he records songs like this.

Somebody called Fantasia won season 3, unlike Olly Murs they didn’t even get a presenting job.

Carrie Underwood though, we all know who she is right?  Course we do, she sings those songs, sort of like Taylor Swift right?  That could be Sheryl Crowe though, so don’t hold us to that, she’s from Oklahoma because nobody that isn’t from the Mid-West has ever won an American talent competition before.  Carrie who beat our favourite long-haired chap who plays guitar and has an alliterative name, Bo Bice, has wowed audiences with such hits as…please hold while we go to Wikipedia…’Inside your Heaven’ and ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’.  In the video for the Grammy award winning ‘Before He Cheats’ you can see a feisty looking leather clad Carrie walk the streets with a baseball bat smashing the car of the cheater in questions, she also references Shania Twain which is fine by us.  Carrie looks a bit like Barbie, but not as human.  She has wind machines on her hair, and throws car keys in alcoholic beverages, she’s a bit full of herself this one.  The sheer power of her voice though does cause the windows of nearby buildings to explode, so that’s something.

Country music continued to prevail for another year and after that Jordin ‘my parents can’t spell’ Sparks won the competition somehow, but since her it’s just been average looking men with guitars strutting like male peacocks.

They could form a more tired, less self-deprecating, attempting to be well dressed, version of Snow Patrol.

As you only just remembered, or heard for the first time some of these names then you will have probably come to understand  your feelings and how you don’t care about the quality of video for whatever the next hit single may be.  The artists too have realised this and thus compile a series of images involving leaning towards the camera with a microphone stand, walking, and hitting a high note while in a moment of emotional intensity.  Let’s hope American X Factor can bring us a star who knows these industry secrets, a star that is homely in that Mid-Western way, a star who can sing like all of these people put together; let’s hope American X Factor can bring us Kelly Clarkson.  Alternatively we’ll settle for a family oriented hooker who snorts cheap drugs at the weekend.

Enjoy your time watching ITV 2 and if you have time between Iceland adverts, coping with the pain of the realisation that Randy Jackson isn’t here, and all the inane flirting then vote for us in those blog awards that we’re up for… please?

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The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.

So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?

Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.

It has been reported in magazines that are better at keeping a straight face than us, that Marc was all kinds of objecting to Lopez’s sexy wardrobe. No, we don’t mean that the wardrobe itself was lust-inducing, but rather, the clothes that hung in it were rather scanty or figure-hugging.

Some div says:

“He would make her feel terrible about herself if she wanted to wear something sexy. He likes her to dress in a demure, ‘wife’ style. He hated the fact that she was a sex symbol.”

A different idiot agrees:

“Marc has always been a very dominating husband. He wants to control everything Jennifer does.”

Elsewhere, a completely different mole added, given faux-credence to the whole thing:

“She tried so hard to make this marriage work. She put up with – and kept putting up with – Marc’s controlling ways, which had been going on for a long time, and she was really trying to make the best of it.”

Of course, this story is designed to make the stupid reader think ‘Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like for me too. And many other woman no doubt! Men are very controlling aren’t they? Our Ryan goes mad when I wear low-cut tops! Cuh! Men!‘, which of course, is complete cowpiss as both sexes are obviously mental and controlling when the mood takes them.

Right? Haha! Are we having fun readers?

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Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.

Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.

So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.

While promoting her new album (no, we had no idea either – nothing on it will be as good as Jenny From The Block or If You Had My Love, betcha), Lopez decided to expose herself a little too much.

The boob happened after J-Lo appeared in a horse drawn carriage for the live filming before discovering that the wind and floaty clothing don’t often get along.

Initially, it looked like Lopez was going to flash her famous bottom (which very nearly appeared in a sex tape recently) at everyone, but the host saved the day. Well done.

Then her boob fell out. See for yourself.

Image via stylejacking

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Aerosmith are an astonishing tale. They really are. Through drugs, women and one of the most average back catalogues in rock history, they’ve managed to become superstars simply by surviving.

And up-top, there’s wobbling sofa-bed lipped Steven Tyler, poncing around like royalty, determined to be louder than his bandmates who have had to put up with him since some time in the ’70s.

However, Aerosmith hate each other’s guts at the moment so Steven is making music with someone else. Another deity from rock’s pantheon? No. Johnny ‘the actor’ Depp. That’s right kids! Tyler and Depp are making awful music together and Tyler likes mentioning it, just on the off-chance it grinds the gears of Joe Perry & Co. Which it will. Because they’re all wrinkly children with failing livers.

The American Idol judge (no, we still can’t quite believe it either) has been holding up a pointless feud with those that helped him to get where he is today, and so, has swanned off to find someone else to play with.

And now, essentially saying “BOO YAA SUCKS TO BE YOU”, Tyler told the Today show that he and Depp regularly meet up to write dreadful music together.

Steven says:

“I get to write songs with Johnny Depp. I would have never done that being home (in Boston). He plays music and I call him (and say), ‘I’m coming over, we’re going to write a song together’. He’s like, ‘Yeah, come over .?.?. tell me if I’m playing ‘Seasons of Wither’ right’”

They probably do each other’s hair and make-up too.

Of course, Depp has previous. He’s played on a charity track with Oasis (the awful ‘Fade Away’ on the Help! LP in the ’90s) and was in the band, P.

You can hear them covering Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ (cue Depp fans giving it credence that they wouldn’t give a Deppless outfit) while mopping the blood from your ears.

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Punk tart, Iggy Pop,  has revealed that he was approached to be a guest judge on American Idol, which of course, would have been an absolute hoot! Think about it. His boiled racehorse body and impossible teeth, glowering from behind a desk while someone sings ‘I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll at him.

Of course, there’ll be those amongst you who think that Ig sold out when he did those car insurance commercials. While they are undoubtedly bad, they’re nowhere near as awful as some of the bands he played with in the ’80s.

And so, prime Stooge to appear on a pop contest on television? What’s the kicker?

Well, Iggy appeared on American Idol, on-stage, gyrating and kicking out all kinds of jams while performing Wild One, which only served to show that an aged man still has more balls than 99% of most young stars and, most importantly, is completely unembarrassable. That’s why we love him, see?

And his new LP is going to be a softer, more gentler Ig (as seen on his last album when he decided to sing in French with a jazz backing), covering The Beatles and Fred Neil.

“There are no rock songs. I’ve been doing American and French (songs), mostly ballads”.

As for American Idol?

“I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the band they put together for me, and they were good to work with. It was a very specific participation, very limited, and I kind of liked it that way. I went and did my thing, basically. I don’t know what to say about it, exactly, except I didn’t know what to expect, I had a good time and actually enjoyed singing the song and enjoyed the audience.”

And it appears that the makers of the show approached Ig to be a judge on the programme.

“There were two phone calls…I wasn’t sure I was interested or available. They called me…I was curious and we spoke a couple times, and that was as far as that went.”

“I don’t think I could’ve done the right job for them on that particular show. I think Steven (Tyler) does a really, really good job of it.”

The simple fact of the matter is, beneath that swarthy veneer, is a man that is simply too nice to be a sneering critic on a talent show.

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Aerosmith – America’s answer to Status Quo – have plodded around like a sick bull for the best part of 320 years on the rock ‘n’ roll circuit. With a mixture of stadium sized choruses, a front man who looks like a melted waxwork of a combination of WWE wrestlers and the regular soap opera of their substance abuses, they’ve somehow managed to not go away and die under a hedge.

Steven Tyler has managed to keep his toe in the celebrity pondscum by, lately, having a very open and ugly feud with his band mates, declaring himself to be “the whole rainbow”, whatever the shit that means.

And, now, he’s still hanging around like a rubber gargoyle filled with sleeping tablets and meths, sat behind a desk as one of American Idol’s judges. It’s the latter which he’d like to apologise for.

Getting someone as unhinged as Tyler on the programme is clearly a move by the show’s producers to recapture that bug-eyed mania that Sharon Osbourne brought to television all those years ago. Alas, with Tyler, you may as well hire a simian to throw fistfuls of its own faecal matter at contestants while rubbing its genitals against a tyre on a rope.

As such, American Idol has felt the need to say sorry for Tyler’s ‘outrageous behavior’, despite the fact that no-one can quite recall what he did wrong. Apart from, y’know, having a face so frightening that it could curdle water at a thousand paces.

Wednesday night’s show kicked-off with a black screen and the words:

‘American Idol would like to apologise for last week’s outrageous behavior by Steven Tyler. Mr Tyler has been warned and assures us it will never happen again.’

The show then played a clip immediately after the apology which saw Tyler asking a contestant named Jake Muck:

‘You know what Muck rhymes with, don’t you? Read my lips.’

Are we to assume that was the outrageous behaviour in question? If so, why would you then repeat the clip? It’s a bit like saying sorry for punching a nun square in the face and then turning around to everyone who missed it, saying…

‘Sorry! Sorry! I punched a nun square in the face… just like this’ THWACK! ‘Sorry. Sorry, won’t do it again… unless some of you missed it the second time ’round. For the record, her nose wasn’t broken the first time I did it. Could we get a replacement nun in here?’

Anyway, what the show should be apologising for is the renewed interest in one of America’s most pedestrian bands ever to blight the stage of an arena. And Steven Tyler’s stupid, stupid face. Apologise for that, not him mouthing the word ‘fuck’ at someone.

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Jennifer Lopez has had a tricky life. She’s spoken openly about her abusive, alcoholic background which saw her struggling with alcohol problems herself. Her troubles hit the headlines in ’94 when she set fire to Andre Rison’s tennis shoes in a bath which ultimately burned down the mansion she lived in. After years of being a successful R’n'B singer, she died in a horrible car accident.

Hang on. That’s Lisa Left Eye Lopes.

Arse.

Jennifer Lopez, who isn’t dead, is in fact looking at a massive pay-cheque, $12 million no less, as she looks to have agreed to serve as a judge on American Idol’s 10th season. It has been rumoured for a while, despite shadowy elites trying to trash-talk her, and now, it’s all but formality.

After Simon Cowell decided to ditch the show, presumably because he hates the whole of America, there’s been some holes that have needed plugging on the show and, it would seem that this plug is exactly the same size as J-Lo’s famous bum.

Former Hecklerspray editor Ellen DeGeneres took his place on the show, but alas, it didn’t really work out because she wasn’t really offering the show anything that wasn’t already being said by fellow judge Randy Jackson.

What we’re saying here, under the thinnest of veils, is that she used to copy what he said and it was boring.

So, here comes Lopez who will hopefully be able to muster up an opinion of her own and, fingers crossed, find it within herself to be a real bitch when needed because that’s the whole point of the show – watching people’s dreams cruelly crushed on our television sets.

The pressure will be on for Lopez as her $12 million wage isn’t far from host Ryan Seacrest’s $15 million pay and trumps Randy Jackson’s $8million.

Seeing as Americans are also in the business of hiring talentless, loud-mouthed know-nothings from England, can we just point out that Hecklerspray is filled with idiots willing to be nasty for a fraction of the pay.

PLEASE.

DON’T MAKE US BEG YOU BASTARDS.

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Jennifer Lopez hasn’t been up to much lately… has she? Thing is, she stopped being mega famous a while back and only appeared in the columns when she was acting like a stroppy git. Or that’s what her detractors would have you believe.

This is, naturally, according to Her People who are implying that there’s some sort of shadowy cabal of shit-slingers who are trying to sabotage J-Lo’s attempts to become the next ‘American Idol’ judge.

Honestly – people in television and media are this paranoid. This is largely thanks to the huge amounts of cocaine they consume, which sees them holed-up and cackling wildly at imagined threats, shaking their fists at the horizon shouting “THEY WON’T BEAT US DOWN!”, despite the fact ‘they’ and ‘us’ are both imagined.

Yes indeed, the crackpots at FOX believe that enemies of the format show, as well as people who generally don’t like Lopez (despite the fact ‘Jenny From The Block’ was pretty good) are planting rumors about the star’s so-called “diva demands” before she gets to watch the ink dry on the dotted line.

Muttering idiots have been whispering in the ear of TMZ, saying that negotiations between the two parties have been “normal” and lovely, perfect, pleasant and other fluffy-wuffy words.

Basically, Lopez is a dead-cert to get the judges gig any day now.

Of course, this doesn’t stop the drip-drip of rumour that says J-Lo is stamping her feet in incredibly expensive shoes demanding more money than anyone can even count to.

Not to mention the fact that she was ‘demanding’ a movie deal to be included in any contracts.

Weirdly, Lopez only got offered the gig after some seriously famous old queens turned down the show, notably, Elton John and Barry Manilow, who are far too bloated to want a proper job sat near the general public.

In even stranger news, Simon Cowell’s replacement is Aerosmith lips-on-legs, Steven Tyler. He’s been spouting off to friends that he is replacing Cowell, which seems incredibly unlikely. Unless of course, they’ve got bags of painkillers for Tyler to neck from branded Coca-Cola cups on-set.

Anyway, if the rumours are all true, we could end up with a judges table that’s longer than the stage where the performances take place.

That would be stupid wouldn’t it? Although, not as stupid as anyone giving Piers Morgan a job. Any job. What Jennifer Lopez? Yeah. Her. Something or other.

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Apparently the next time American Idol makes it to air, you’re likely to hear comments like ‘No, man. You gotta put more scarves on your microphone,’ or ‘Jowls? You call those jowls? These are jowls! (As the quiet shaking of his cheeks can be heard over his microphone for several seconds past his sentence-end).

That’s because Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler is going to be sitting at the judges table. This is exciting news for every single hospital in the world where they obviously must walk up the hall putting Idol on in all the rooms of the comatose.

Seriously – those ratings have got to be coming from somewhere – but will Tyler add to them?

Recent album sales would seem to indicate no.

What’s your favorite part of American Idol? Ours is that they are so open and non-discriminatory when it comes to their judges. Seriously – this time last week they were very close to signing Mozart‘s decomposed corpse to a five year contract behind a Coke glass. Unfortunately hawks or something made off his hand many, many years ago, and he was left completely unable to work a pen.

His loss, really.

So what do you do when Mozart falls through? You get Beethoven. But when that  doesn’t work out either you get Steven Tyler. He’s kind of just as good as Mozart & Beethoven, except he’s a tad older and doesn’t write tolerable music. But that doesn’t matter – because he’s on Idol anyway. See – the Boston Globe even says so right here:

“…the Aerosmith singer is set to become a judge on the new season of Fox’s hit talent show. Of course, neither the network nor the singer, who’s on tour with his band, would comment yesterday. But bassist Tom Hamilton confirmed it to the Star-Ledger of New Jersey. “The ink is dry on that,’’ said Hamilton. “Steven is someone who absolutely lives to be in front of an audience, and the people closest to him know how witty and entertaining he can be.’’”

By witty we assume Hamilton is talking about sight gags – like falling off stage again and again and again. That’s pretty cool, we guess. But what would be cooler is if Idol were going for a theme this year. You know, like if they got Mick Jagger on the panel too, then they could sub-title the season : Blowfish.

That’s catchy, isn’t it? You know what other theme they could probably go with? Staffing the table with Tyler and the two old men from the muppet show. That’d be all class. Plus – you can’t tell us you’ve never looked at Steve’s saggy cheeks and wondered if they were made of felt.

Honestly, if we were to ever learn that there’s a hand crammed up his throat with the fingers gripping his sinus cavity and the thumb flapping the jaw, we wouldn’t be the least surprised.

Not the least bit.

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The world is still struggling to cope with the news that Jennifer Lopez won’t be an American Idol judge.

How are you dealing with it? By shrugging and genuinely not caring one way or the other about it? That’s funny, us too. But widespread apathy won’t find American Idol its new judge, will it? That’s why Shania Twain has become the latest name to be dragged into the palaver.

According to reports, Shania Twain is currently the favourite to become the new American Idol judge because a) she’s a bigger fan of the show than Jennifer Lopez, b) she has more American Idol experience than Jennifer Lopez and c) she won’t go batshit crazy if you accidentally look her in the eye or call her anything that’s not on a pre-agreed document containing acceptably cute nicknames like Jennifer Lopez probably would.

If we were aspiring singers, we’d probably give American Idol a wide berth this year. It was bad enough when they had to audition in front of a bad-tempered Brit, a colossally unfocused 1980s throwback and a bloke on the end who kept calling everyone ‘Dog’ – but this year looks set to be even more terrifying.

If reports are true, then it’s possible that the American Idol judges this year will be Jessica Simpson and Steven Tyler. It’s not a great combination, partly because Jessica Simpson is dim and Steven Tyler is so awful that even his own bandmates openly despise him, and partly because when they sit next to each other they’ll look like the before and after photos in a public health announcement about the dangers of crystal meth addiction.

So American Idol needs a third judge and, since it’s not going to be Jennifer Lopez now, it looks like it’ll be Shania Twain. The Boston Herald reports:

“They’ve been after her ever since she was a mentor on the show last season,” a source said yesterday. “And they haven’t given up.” Shania, you may remember, stepped in for the Chicago auditions last season and won the hearts of many of the “Idol” types. “Shania’s a huge fan of the show,and she had a great time as a mentor,” the source said.

Ah yes, Shania Twain has appeared on American Idol before, in an appearance largely marked by her transparent desire to have sex with everyone that walked in front of her. If Shania does get the job, then it’ll mean employing stagehands to stand off-camera with buckets of ice cold water in case her HRT goes berserk again. But apart from that, we’re sure that Shania Twain can teach the American Idol contestants a lot.

By which we mean she can teach them how to run off to Switzerland to avoid paying taxes. Same thing really.

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This is a shame. We were really looking forward to seeing Jennifer Lopez become a judge on American Idol.

She knows everything. As a singer, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to sing. As a dancer, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to dance. As an actor, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants how to emote. And as Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez could have taught the contestants to make impossible demands of local venues and then freak out whenever anyone makes unapproved eye contact with them.

But it isn’t to be. Reports have suggested that Jennifer Lopez is now out of the running to become a judge on the next season of American Idol. It’s a pity. The money would have come in handy. After all, Jennifer Lopez has two growing buttocks to look after.

This American Idol judging saga is getting to be a bit of a mess, isn’t it? At times it’s seemed like everyone on the planet has had their name linked to the job. Everyone apart from Kara DioGuardi, obviously – the American Idol producers aren’t stupid, after all.

But Jennifer Lopez seemed like a dead cert. Less transparently dim than Jessica Simpson. Less bizarre to look at than Steven Tyler. Less expensive than Elton John. We honestly thought that Jennifer Lopez had all the qualifications necessary to really make the American Idol judge’s table her own.

But now we’re being told that Jennifer Lopez is out of the picture. Why? People reports:

Jennifer Lopez won’t be a judge on American Idol after all, according to a source close to the situation. The singer-actress had been closing a deal to be a permanent judge on the show for its upcoming 10th season but the deal fell apart. “Her demands got out of hand,” says the source. “Fox had just had enough.”

But of course. Her demands got out of hand. We forgot that Jennifer Lopez was Jennifer Lopez for a second there. We don’t know what these demands were but, on the basis that Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez, we’re fully expecting them to include the following:

* 24 dressing rooms, all painted an identical shade of white.

* The American Idol studios to be attached to a thermostat in her mind, so that she and she alone can control the temperature.

* To be called ‘Ms Lopez’, ‘Madame Lopez’, ‘Our Lord The Almighty Ruler’, or ‘Sugartush’ depending on her mood.

* The weekly Ford performance to be ditched and replaced by a performance promoting whatever her last film was. Also, cups of Coca-Cola to be scrapped so that all judges can sip from giant cups of Jennifer Lopez Sunkissed Glow perfume.

* To never be looked at in the eye. By anyone. Including cameras. When Jennifer Lopez speaks, cameras are instead to focus on one of Randy Jackson‘s elbows.

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Former American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino has been accused of having an affair with a married man.

But it gets worse. As well as being accused of having an affair with a married man, Fantasia Barrino is also rumoured to have starred in a sex tape with said married man. But it gets worse. Because she was accused of having an affair with a married man and is rumoured to have starred in a sex tape with said married man, Fantasia Barrino has been admitted to hospital after what police are calling a suicide attempt.

Fortunately, despite overdosing on aspirin and sleeping pills, Fantasia Barrino was unsuccessful in her attempt and is now recovering. Normally there’d be a joke here but, you know, sheesh.

Time hasn’t been kind to any former American Idol winners – Kelly Clarkson has vanished, Ruben Studdard has now grown to such a physically large size that small household objects now orbit him if he stays still for long enough and nobody can name any of the other people who have ever won American Idol. But thanks to her recent travails, it’s probably fair to say that Fantasia Barrino – who won the third season of American Idol – has it worse than anyone else.

It began when Fantasia was accused of having an affair with a married man. Which, to be fair, she was – her rep has admitted that Fantasia dated Antwaun Cook for almost a year and genuinely believed that he was trapped in an unhappy marriage – but then came the rumours of a sex tape between the pair of them. The results of this are twofold – first, Cook’s wife has left him and, second, Fantasia Barrino apparently tied to kill herself by overdosing on pills on Monday night.

But, thankfully, she’s now on the mend, as UsMagazine reports:

Her manager, Brian Dickens, confirmed “Her injuries are not life threatening. She was dehydrated and exhausted at the time. Fantasia is stable now.  She will be released from the hospital soon. Fantasia is a fighter and a survivor. This is not the hardest thing Fantasia has endured. Fantasia will be stronger, smarter, and better for it. Her work has always inspired her and served as a source of strength.”

Well that’s good news. And, to reiterate her manager’s point, Fantasia Barrino should come out of this stronger than ever. If nothing else, she will have learnt some valuable life lessons from her recent experiences. Like, for example, don’t have affairs with married men. And if you do have affairs with married men, don’t film yourself having sex with them. And if you do film yourself having sex with them, don’t try and kill yourself afterwards. Get well soon, Fantasia.

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You read that right. Fox bigshot Peter Rice says many reports about the future of American Idol are accurate.

What does that mean? Well, it means that Jennifer Lopez will probably be a judge this year. And it means that Kara DioGuardi probably won’t be a judge this year. It also means that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith will become a new judge, and that Aerosmith will re-record the show’s theme-tune and – to fit with Tyler’s diction – American Idol will be renamed Ammarricuh IdOWWW!, and that HD will be switched off for the duration of each episode so that Steven Tyler’s bizarre old lady face won’t cause America to burst into unstoppable fits of terror-sobs whenever it appears.

We may have made some of these things up. But, hey, since we’re reporting them, and all American Idol reports are accurate, they must be true. FOR THEY HAVE BEEN PROPHESISED.

So here’s what we think we know about this year’s American Idol so far: Ellen DeGeneres is gone and will probably be replaced by Jennifer Lopez, who is just like Ellen except heterosexual and unfunny. Kara DioGuardi is probably leaving and will probably be replaced by Jessica Simpson, who is just like Kara except blonder and marginally less clever. And Simon Cowell‘s absence will probably be replaced by Steven Tyler, who would look identical to Simon if Simon was nine million years old, female and lived inside an industrial sandblaster.

And Randy Jackson will still be there, shouting the word ‘dog’ to nobody in particular like a confused toddler.

How do we know all this? Simple – it’s because Fox Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice has indicated that many of the reports about American Idol‘s future are basically true. MTV reports:

Rice said he couldn’t provide an update on the ongoing negotiations, except to say that “no one has signed a deal on either side of the camera who wasn’t on the show last year.” As for the Lopez, DioGuardi and Tyler whispers, he offered cryptically, “much of the information that has been written is accurate,” but added that some of the reports have also been “widely inaccurate.”

But however true these reports are, it’s important that American Idol hurries up and sorts out its judging crisis as quickly as possible. Because only then can the show get down to what it’s good at – advertising Ford and Coca-Cola with such ferocity that you fear you’ll be visited by a pack of goons and set upon if you don’t go out and buy a Ford or some Coca-Cola THIS INSTANT.

Oh, and singing. But mainly the Ford and Coca-Cola thing.

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