Cool uncle and embarrassing aunt.

Folded:

• The Chase from Midnight Express – Club Version (very Berlin. Then again you could remix Giorgio Moroder’s alarm clock and make a decent track)
• Films on the telly (why are they always more fun than putting on a DVD?)
• Be miserable (doctor’s orders)
• Donut Drake in Uncharted 2 (such a laugh climbing on the wrecked train and the pipes break)
• New Avatar trailer (we can stop sweating, this actually looks pretty good now)

Creased:

• Prince of Persia movie trailer (they’re thinking Pirates; they’re getting Hercules)
• Fireworks… (do THIS. Not nice)
• 50 Cent (officially plastic)
• Greg James (the worst DJ Radio One has ever employed. And that’s saying something)
• Hackers (why do they get such a cool nickname? Let’s call them bottom feeding pissants instead)

But 50 Cent is tired of only starring in awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like. So he’s decided to branch out and start producing awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like as well. Think that’s as bad as it gets? Don’t – because 50 Cent’s first movie is going to star Nicolas Cage.

Kanye West, if you’re reading this, please start producing movies too. That way they can be more successful than 50 Cent’s and he can retire from that as well. Thanks.

Although he’s primarily known for being a rapper, 50 Cent has also carved out a nifty side-career as a Hollywood star with a highly enviable slate of movies to his name. For instance, there was Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, the semi-autobiographical movie where 50 Cent unfortunately ended up getting rich.

And how many other rappers have co-starred in movies that have almost killed the careers of both Robert De Niro and Al Pacino? No, 50 Cent has got plenty to be proud of.

But ever since Kanye West sold more records than him and forced his retirement from music, 50 Cent has been at a bit of a loss of things to do. Sure, he’s tried his hand at other activities – like printing books, spending more time with his amusingly-named children and suing fast-food outlets for the hell of it – but none of these have filled the aching gap in his soul left by music.

So 50 Cent is now having a crack at something else – producing movies. It’s basically the same as being a rapper – you get to drive a big car, get shitfaced on drugs, surround yourself with booby models and have underground Eight Mile-style produce-offs with other aspiring – except you can hang around with Nicolas Cage without worrying that he’ll ask to pop a guest verse on your next single.

Which is exactly what 50 Cent has done, come to think of it. BBC News reports:

The rapper-turned-actor unveiled his plans for Cheetah Vision at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. 50 Cent, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, said his new company had already bought eight scripts. He told Reuters the first to be produced would be The Dance, starring himself and Nicolas Cage. Jackson said: “He (Cage) plays the founder of a boxing program, and I play a fighter who goes to state prison.”

Wow, The Dance, huh? Nicolas Cage, huh? Why, that sounds awfully like The Dance, the 50 Cent/ Nicolas Cage movie that we wrote about almost three years ago. 50 Cent must have seen something really special in that movie, to offer to produce it himself after it was kept in development hell for so long.

And we’d agree with him, too. It might not be easy for 50 Cent to get by in an industry he has no real experience of but, with a bit of time and a whole lot of effort, he might just make The Dance the worst Nicolas Cage movie ever. Here’s hoping.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Cross 50 Cent and you’ll know. You’re entire family will know it. Everyone you’ve ever cared for will know it. Unless, you know, it’s a dispute that can be peacefully mediated in a courtroom within the space of about five minutes, because if that’s the case 50 Cent will probably just do that instead.

And that’s just what 50 Cent did yesterday, to settle a custody agreement over visitation rights to his 12-year-old son Marquise. In the agreement 50 Cent will spend more time with Marquise, and that’s important. Not because a boy of Marquise’s age needs a strong father figure, though – but because now 50 Cent has even more time to relentlessly apologise for deciding to name him something as crap as Marquise.

If you’ve seen Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, you’ll know how much 50 Cent has been through. But you haven’t seen Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ because you can read, and we suspect that the movie was for the medically illiterate only.

So, to fill you all in, 50 Cent has been involved with guns and drug dealing, his mother was murdered when he was eight, and 50 Cent himself got shot once. Keep that to yourself, though, because Fiddy likes to keep that a secret.

But recently 50 Cent had found himself saddled with the hardest problem of his entire life – custody visitation rights. You might think that we’re joking, but we’re really not – look at what it did to Alec Baldwin. The custody saga of 50 Cent’s son Marquise has already stripped 50 Cent’s gangsta credibility to its bare bones – he even had to go to court to admit that he doesn’t take drugs at one point – and now tragedy has struck.

That’s right – a judge has ruled that 50 Cent is allowed to see his son more often than he currently does. That means before long we’re likely to see 50 Cent taking his son to the park or feeding ducks or – worst of all – showing traces of actual kindness towards another human being. MTV reports:

The judge in the case granted 50 one weekend visit a month (he had requested two a month), as well as half of Marquise’s winter and spring breaks from school. TMZ reported that 50 was also granted one month in the summer. “50 is pleased this has been settled and looks forward to spending some quality time with his son,” the rapper’s attorney, Brett Kimmel, told People.

Although giving up his credibility as a hip-hop hardman – look, even his lawyers are too scared to call him anything but ‘50′ – is going to be hard, at least little Marquise will be able to spend some quality time with his father from now on, and that time will be too precious to put a price on.

Right up until puberty hits Marquise full force, that is, because living with a hormonal boy who’s just realised that girls won’t talk to him because his dimwit parents decided to name him Marquise will easily be the most formidable opponent that 50 Cent has ever faced. If we were Fiddy we’d get our bedroom doors reinforced – that boy’s a timebomb.

However, don’t be surprised if 50 Cent’s next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft.

How soft? Get this – 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it’s too late. Yeeuch.

We’re big fans of 50 Cent here at hecklerspray, from that song of his that goes “mumble mumble mumble shoot you mumble dead,” to that other song of his that goes “mumble mumble I got shot mumble mumble did I ever mention that mumble yeah I thought so.” We like 50 Cent because he’s got a formula and he’s not afraid to stick to it.

Even though he lives in a mansion that’s roughly the size of Luxembourg in the middle of a faraway forest, 50 Cent is still as street as they come. He got shot once, you know, did he ever mention that? And he became a drug dealer when he was just 12 years old. And he, um, organises nutritional drives to help combat child obesity.

Basically, if you cut 50 Cent open, he bleeds ghetto. And possibly a little bit of Human Growth Hormone, too. Possibly.

But what’s the least ghetto thing you can think of? How about not taking any drugs so you can go on a lovely holiday with your little boy? Because, as much as it pains us to tell you, that’s what 50 Cent has done.

There’s been a protection order banning 50 Cent from seeing his son Marquise since the house fire that suspiciously gutted the home of Marquise and his mother Shaniqua Tompkins back in May. But 50 Cent wanted to see his son, so he went to court to fight for visitation.

There was one minor caveat set by the court, though – in order to see his son, 50 Cent had to pass a drug test. We’re sorry to tell you that 50 Cent passed. The New York Daily News reports:

Fitty was ordered to take a drug test before a Long Island judge would give him permission to take his son on vacation. Fitty complied, the test came back clean and now he’s free to take 11-year-old Marquise away. “I haven’t seen my son in a while. That’s why I came here today,” the rapper said after he passed the test.

Incidentally, Shaniqua Tompkins was ordered to take the same drug test and hers came back testing positives for opiates. Tompkins is blaming that on cough syrup, but you know what that means? It means 50 Cent is now less street than a woman with the surname Tompkins. You just can’t get less street than that.

Honestly, 50 Cent might feel like he’s accomplished something by passing a drug test and deepening his father-son bond with little Marquise, but this confusing show of maturity is bound to anger and alienate his fans.

Admittedly most 50 Cent fans are so stupid that they’re similarly angered and alienated by things like sentences and original thought, but that’s hardly the point here, is it?

But, Taco Bell threw the gorditas to the wind when they asked rapper 50 Cent to change his name to 79, 89, or 99 Cent to match their value menu. Not only did Taco Bell grossly overestimated the worth of rapper 50 Cent, but they stood to lose as much as 49 cents.

What’s that? 50 Cent not only shot the offer down, but is throwing a hissy-fit about it that puts an 8 year-old girl to shame? Whew! Lucky break, Taco Bell. Lucky break.

If you’re Taco Bell, you’ve got to have spent the last few years thinking, ‘how do we top the world’s greatest marketing campaign EVER that featured a Spanish speaking tiny rat dog? By the love of all that is holy, how??’

Obviously, you immediately jump to the conclusion that nothing can top it. However, inspiration finally struck for Taco Bell when they remembered that rappers love to change their names and sell cheap tacos. They thought about asking Kanye West to go to Carne Asada, Lupe Fiasco to go to Chalupa Fiesta, and Young Jeezy to go to Young Cheesy Quesadilla, but none of those options had the same delightful ring as asking 50 cent to change his name to 79, 89, or 99 Cent.

The result? Not good, kids. A rep for Fiddy gave the following statement to OK!:

“This is a sleazy and ill-conceived publicity stunt by Taco Bell's president, Greg Creed, whose disingenuous offer was leaked to the press before it was even presented to 50 Cent's agent yesterday.”

Yeah, because overreacting to something so stupid in the first place surely is not an ill-conceived publicity stunt. This could get ugly, though…even uglier than Fiddy himself (okay, now we’re just saying outrageously inpossible things for no reason). Here’s what he had to say about the situation:

"When my legal team is finished with them, Taco Bell is going to have a new corporate slogan: 'We messed with the bull and got the horns!'"

Boom! Here that Taco Bell? That's right, you'd better run, along with all of you other fast food chains with name-changing offers. There will be no Spicy McFiddy, no Biggie Fiddy, and no Fiddy and Chips. So, there.   

To read more, see "Fiddy Responds to Taco Bell Name-Change Offer" on OK!

A far cry from the one we’re about to tell you. Now we’ll be the first to admit we don’t keep up on the day to day soap opera that is rap music. Last we heard Young MC had an evil twin or something, Andre 3000 came back from the dead and Erica Kane was about to cut an album.

Also the fellow known as Young Buck got kicked out of 50 Cent’s thingy called G-Unit. We’ve got a link to a wonderful place on the next page wherein an audio recording of a phone conversation Young Buck had with 50 begging for reentry into the group can be heard.

The guy even cries in it.

You gotta be careful on the telephone. Why just the other day we found a website that had over 50 of our call-in pizza orders for the public to hear. It wasn’t that exciting, really. It’s just us saying words like pepperoni, extra cheese and cat sliced extra thin. But the point is we had no idea those calls were to be kept forever.

Hulk Hogan is a recent victim of all this too. So is the guy that called him with a mouth-full of death threats. Paula Abdul & Alec Baldwin have both thrown themselves in front of the internet sensation train too. And now Young Buck has joined the club. After checking literally 20 different websites, we finally found a quote with fleshed out sentences and vowels in the appropriate places. For that, thank you sandra Rose.com:

“After slinging mud at G-Unot and 50 Cent, Young Buck tears up in a phone call to Fiddy and begs Fiddy to take him back into the fold cause he’s, well, broke. On the other hand, this call exposes the fraudulent lifestyles most of these rappers live. All that perpetrating like they’re millionaires when in reality, they’re broke and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.”

Take a a listen for yourself right here.

It really is a call – and Buck actually does start to cry in it. To spare his feelings, let us just say it’s ok for men to cry now and again. Why, we remember seeing our father cry lots of times – and in the fetal position too. It happens every year on our mother’s birthday. We’re not sure why exactly, but the clues we’ve put together over the years involve leather underwear and a high-dive. That really is all we know.

Dad listen, if you ever need to talk…

Not that a little thing like the Back To The Future clocktower burning down will stop people from being curious about the 50 Cent house fire, though – especially as it came right in the middle of an ugly public feud between 50 Cent and his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who was living in the house at the time.

And now the mystery has got a little deeper, because Tompkins is claiming that 50 Cent hasn’t bothered to call their 10-year-old son Marquise after the fire, even though he was treated for smoke inhalation. But you know what they say – better to have no contact at all than to record a mawkish vom-inducing Eminem-style ‘Daddy loves you’ track about it.

Good news – after owning little tiny dogs and being in drunken automobile accidents, the hot new celebrity fad to sweep America is the terrifying uncontrollable fire. Since Friday, 50 Cent’s house has burnt down and Universal Studios in Los Angeles has burnt down – leading to hopes that Paris Hilton and the cast of The Hills, eager to jump on board the fad while it’s still fresh, will soon deliberately set themselves on fire and run through the streets until their charred remains can only be identified by dental records.

But that’s something to look forward to. For the time being, however, let’s concern ourselves with the 50 Cent house fire, because it’s still so gloriously suspicious that we can only imagine it’ll be solved by a moustache-twirling detective pacing up and down an Edwardian drawing room.

If you missed them first time round, here are the details – a house owned by 50 Cent and occupied by his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise burnt down on Friday right in the middle of a bitter legal battle between 50 Cent (who wants to evict Shaniqua and Marquise for not paying rent) and Tompkins (who claims that 50 Cent promised that the house was a gift).

And with the fire department calling the fire suspicious, it seems as if everyone’s got a motive. 50 Cent could have wanted to intimidate Shaniqua into leaving, Shaniqua could have wanted to destroy the house that she was being made to leave, any number of third parties could have started the blaze, or there’s our current favourite theory – that Marquise started the fire because the pain of being a boy named Marquise has turned him into a warped, fire-obsessed sociopath.

Whatever the cause, though, it doesn’t look as if 50 Cent is in any hurry to make sure that his son’s not too badly shaken by the fire, as the New York Daily News reports:

The mother of 50 Cent’s son angrily slammed the superstar rapper as an uncaring father who didn’t check on the boy after a suspicious fire ripped through his Long Island mansion. Yesterday, she returned to the charred $2.4 million house to retrieve some belongings – and scorch her former lover. “Tell him to call his son!” Tompkins screamed at reporters gathered near the Dix Hills house. “He didn’t even attempt to call his son to see how he was doing!” she said. “A good father would do that!”

How dare Shaniqua Tompkins accuse 50 Cent of being a bad father. He works hard to ensure that there’s food on his son’s table – sometimes he’ll put in gruelling three-hour shifts mumbling to himself about that time he got shot over an insultingly derivative backing track in a state-of-the-art recording studio to keep Marquise in stale bread and second-hand shoes.

However, this is still just one person’s word against another. As things stand at this point in time, there’s no way of knowing if 50 Cent or Shaniqua Tompkins or anyone else had a hand in starting the house fire. And there’s only one way to properly, officially get to the bottom of a squabble this deep and wide-ranging – Maury.

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry – 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way – but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ’suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

50 Cent is an intensely private individual. Back when he got shot, for example, 50 Cent vowed only to refer to the incident in most of his songs, all of his interviews and a specially written pseudo-autobiographical movie. And chances are he’ll be just as coy about his house in Dix Hills burning down just now.

Because, if recently losing a high-profile challenge with Kanye West and being forced to quit music forever (at least in theory) wasn’t bad enough – let alone being implicated in a human growth hormone scandal and being robbed by a scrawny dude onstage – then watching his $1.4 million, six bedroom house go up in flames should be enough to reduce any man to a temporary state of blissful silence.

Well, that and the fact that the fire is being treated as suspicious and just a few days ago 50 Cent was seen furiously arguing in public with the tenant – his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who lives there with their 10-year-old son Marquise. Newsday reports on the fire:

An eyewitness told Newsday that among the injured, all of whom suffered smoke inhalation according to fire officials, were 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend, Shaniqua Tompkins, and their 10-year-old son, Marquise. “She was all right,” eyewitness Frank Hoyte, a Newsday employee, said, adding: “But she was angry.”One of the first firefighters to arrive on the scene told Newsday the fire was suspicious. “I would say there is a strong — a strong, strong — possibility that it is suspicious,” Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry Feld said.

This is great – anyone could be responsible for the fire. You see, 50 Cent recently filed a lawsuit trying to evict Shaniqua Tompkins and their son from the house unless he started receiving $4,500 a month in rent from them, while Tompkins countersued because she says 50 Cent promised to put the house in her name and then didn’t.

So did 50 Cent have the house burned down to get rid of Tompkins? Or did Tompkins burn the house down to punish 50 Cent? Or was it the doing of one of 50 Cent’s enemies? Or was it an accident? Or did little 10-year-old Marquise burn the house down partly as an effort to push his parents back together and partly because he hates them both for giving him such a gay little name? Can we stop caring about this any time soon?

No, really, that last one was serious.

We were devastated, as that had been our lunch, and we silently swore that nobody should ever have to endure atrocity like that again. Since then no nine-year-old girls have been safe from our wrath. That’s because we bought a mask to secure our true identities, and several canoe paddles we carry around with us all the time. It’s all extremely intimidating but we’ll use ‘em if we have to – just try us little girl! We’ll knock your flower-patterned external retainer-wearing butt to kingdom come!

50 Cent’s been robbed too, you know. It makes us feel better, like we’re not quite so lonely in our victim-ness. His robbery may take a sizeable chunk out of his horrible thug cred, as it happened onstage in front of an entire African nation of what we assume are starving, poverty stricken people.

And when you get robbed by a belly-bloated starving guy, and it gets filmed and posted on Youtube, well how can you face your friends again after something like that?

There was likely a time when 50 Cent was but a wee lad, dreaming of one day harnessing the power of almighty bling to feed all of Africa, maybe by melting it all down into delicious golden loaves of bread. Little did he know he’d sort of get the chance. He was performing in Angola recently when a young male concert-attendee jumped on stage, grabbed the chain and took off running.

It is currently unknown whether or not he melted it into a sandwich.

What is known though – is the boy didn’t get away for long. His undoing was parents with an apparent strong moral code. Just ask SixShot.com:

“An Angolan citizen accused of snatching 50 Cent’s chain while he was performing at an event in the African nation last week has reportedly been turned over to police by his parents.”

The best news is you can watch video of the on-stage thievery right here. It’s because you mean so much to us, and we want to provide you with incredible entertainment whilst you waste away in your government jobs.

You do all work for the government, right?

Read More:

50 Cent Fan Steals Chain During Gig – PR Inside

Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride – the idiots.

Since then, Alicia Keys has issued a statement saying that her comments were “misrepresented“, but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our story”.

Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz:

“I don’t like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don’t like Oprah Winfrey. I’m prejudice(d). I don’t like people who don’t like me.”

That’s quite awkward, because hecklerspray don’t like people who don’t like hecklerspray neither, and as neither we nor 50 Cent has made an official statement as to whether we like the other, we’re stuck in one hell of an apathetic quandary right here

And if there’s one thing we hates more than folk who don’t like hecklerspray, it’s non-committal, fence-sitting folk who couldn’t care either way. So, bearing that in mind, we’d like to issue the following statement:

“Hecklerspray thinks that 50 Cent represents pretty much everything that is wrong with modern society. He is an anti-intellectual, dollar-driven dullard who unfortunately – when attempting to ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – got rich.”

There we go – the coast is clear. We don’t like him, ergo he don’t like us. We can now move on with the story, safe in the knowledge that this’ll be about as unbiased an article as your average BNP immigration brochure.

The Neanderthal continued:

“If you don’t like the content that I write because of my experiences; I am being who I am when I am writing it. I fall into that ‘label’ as far as you considering artists creating ‘Gangsta music,’ we fall into that. If she don’t like that, (then) I don’t like that classical music shit she be doing. At some point she’s playing some shit that don’t relate to me. We listen to it and try to figure out why people actually enjoy it. I am trying to enjoy it. That statement changes my perception of Alicia Keys totally. But the magazine is standing behind it, which means they probably have a tape of her in conversation saying it. It’s just not really a bright comment anyway.”

That’s right, Fiddy, it isn’t a very bright statement at all, but ‘I am being who I am when I am writing it’ isn’t particularly Einsteinian itself, is it? There’s more:

“I think hip-hop is so competitive. I don’t think that a lot of people who judge hip-hop actually enjoy it as an art form. They aren’t into it enough to understand what they are listening to and they just hear disrespectful lyrics going back and forth and just say ‘oh they’re fighting’ … so it’s got to be negative if it’s fighting. To just make reference to what hip-hop was from the very beginning was just two artists battling. Battling turned into beefing after Biggie and Tupac passed because unfortunately that turned into real incidents in the street.”

Ah yes, we all remember that fateful day when battling turned into beefing, don’t we ladies and gentleman? It was the day that one word was changed in order to lessen the likelihood of Gangsta rappers being gunned down in the street.

But today hecklerspray is reversing all that. We don’t beef, we battle – so watch your back Curtis, cos’ we love the idea of shutting you up once and for all far. Far more than your average fat kid loves cake.

Maybe Alicia was onto something?

Read More – 50 Cent Defends “Gangsta Rap” – Showbuzz

Morbidly obese Joe told Complex:

“He got shot by people who he knows and he doesn't do nothing about it. He gets criticised by people like Ja Rule, little Ja Rule, and he never even fought him one on one. He's going to come fuck with Fat Joe? Are you serious? He still don't leave his house. He's looking for attention, I'm gonna diss him.”

Up to this point it all seems like your run-of-the-mill, faux-gangster, PR-exercising threat, but then – all of a sudden – in a bizarre twist of affairs that just goes to show the complex nature of human sexuality, rotund gangster Joe said:

“I'm gonna tell him to suck my dick, everything you can think.”

Say what you want about Joe but, with demands like that, homophobic he ain't. Which, it has to be said, is a refreshingly liberal attitude to see coming from the rap game these days, even if his vernacular is somewhat crass. Cranking up the crass to eleven, he furthered:

"I'm gonna tell him that. What does he want out of me? He's gonna tell me, 'Oh, Fat Joe, you're a sucka', and I'm gonna be like, 'Suck my dick you punk ass motherfucker."

He’s a poet and the motherfucker aint even knowin’ it. Well, he probably knows it a bit.

The two of them first clashed when 50 Cent included a puppet of Fat Joe getting beaten up in his Piggy Bank music video. 50 Cent reignited the mard in January when he told US TV show Rap City that he wanted to eliminate Joe from the 'rap game'.

The felatio request is a bold move by Joe, and the ears of the world are poised for 50 Cent’s response.

Go on Fiddy – open up your horizons. Give head or die tryin’.

Read more:

Fat Joe labels 50 Cent a 'coward' - Monsters And Critics 

An Albany investigation into the sale of steroids and human growth hormones has thrown up thousands of names, including Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Wyclef Jean, Timbaland and Tyler Perry. Of course, Mary J Blige is denying the use of either steroids or HGH, but there's one fool-proof way to uncover the truth.

The testicles. If Mary J Blige is on steroids she'll have tiny testicles.

Steroids, HGH, Gummiberry juice and other performance enhancing doohickeys have long been prevalent in sports, much to the consternation of Mr Dick Pound – chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and co-chairman of the Yes I Know My Name Sounds A Euphemism For Masturbation Subcommittee along with Mr Wank Relentlessly. But now it seems as if steroid-use has left the sporting arena and entered a more dangerous territory – urban music.

Although entertainers have been caught with steroids and human growth hormones before – namely Sylvester Stallone in Australia and Chris Benoit – it's usually been because they've needed to rip the throats out of Burmese soldiers or murder their entire family. But rappers? R&B singers? Cross-dressing self-help writer/actors? Surely not.

But that's what an investigation may have uncovered. Entertainers such as Mary J Blige, Wyclef Jean, Tyler Perry, 50 Cent and Timbaland have been cited in Albany County district attorney P. David Soares' investigation into the trade of steroids and HGH. While none of them have been accused of breaking the law, they have all apparently been found to have the substances shipped to their homes, studios and hotels by a Long Island fitness club and its director of antiaging and longevity.

Needless to say, Mary J Blige isn't having any of it, as the New York Times reports:

A spokeswoman for Ms. Blige, Karynne Tencer, said: “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” Ms. Tencer added that Ms. Blige had not taken any antiaging steroids either.

And it's probably fair to say that 50 Cent hasn't taken any performance enhancing either. True, the man is built like a fleshy battleship but, having seen his movie Get Rich Or Die Tryin' we can safely conclude that his performance was just about the least-enhanced we've seen in decades. 

Mary J Blige, though, that's another story – especially when you see what some of her original full-length song titles were before she chopped them down for brevity. There was No More Drama Or I'll Punch Your House Over, I'm The Only Woman With Guns Like Watermelons, Stay Down If You Don't Want Me To Snap Your Neck With My Jacked-Up Eyelashes and, of course, the enduring Family Affair (Raaaargh! I'll Fucking Kill You Remix).

In any case, Jamie Lynn Spears should be thankful that Mary J Blige approved of her pregnancy, because God only knows what sort of soggy lump of twitching nerve endings would have resulted if she didn't.

Read more:

Prominent Entertainers Cited in Steroids Inquiry - New York Times 

How to endlessly babble on about that time you got shot, for instance. Or how to sell yourself to as many branding opportunities as possible, to the extent where every slightly dim teenager in the world is decked out in a pair of Fiddy-approved trainers and sipping on a can of Official 'Keeping It Real' Misogyny-Flavour Pepsi.

You wouldn't, however, go asking him any questions about the production of music. Unless, that is, you wanted your new album to sound like his: roughly the same as a slowed-down Geoff Boycott mumbling about bitches over a Casio keyboard 'polka' setting.

It seems like no-one told Lindsay Lohan this.

If proof was needed that the troubled starlet hasn't been in the right frame of mind recently, it's that she's apparently approached 50 Cent and asked him to help her out with her recording career. Following the success of her first two albums Speak and A Little More Personal (nope, us neither), Lindsay has decided that the way forward is to follow the lead of an 'artist' so mediocre he should change his name to 'Halfords Employee'.

According to Lohan's father Michael:

"They're talking about working together. Nothing's firm yet, but they're in talks. They've actually known each other for a while, just from being in the business together and crossing paths at events."

God only knows what the conversation will be like in the studio. Maybe it'll be the sort of no-holds-barred scintillating discourse that'll produce a musical work fit to define a generation. Or – possibly – it'll involve 50 sitting in a gold-plated 'bling chair' occasionally shouting 'yeah' in a vague attempt to keep in time with a beat only he can hear, while Lindsay takes endless swigs from bottles of Lambrini and struggles to come up with lyrics that aren't about drink-driving or making rubbish films.

Get Phil Spector in to produce it, and you've got a winner.

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50 Cent To Help Resurrect Lindsay's Music Career? – Entertainmentwise

We may as well pack in what we’re doing now and contemplate what we did wrong in life. You see, 50 Cent has declared himself to be better then everyone else. Yup, you may have once been the cool kid in the playground who got all the foil football stickers first but now that doesn’t matter. Back then you may have been the daddy, the big cheese, number one and the mutt’s nuts, but you really aren't because 50 Cent says that he's all those things himself in what's thought to be the world's first ever instance of a rapper getting ideas above his station.

50 Cent is quickly becoming more renowned for his hilarious boastful quotes than his dreary music these days. A few months ago, 50 was all like “Yeah, I’m motherfucking 50 Cent and I’m gonna have a rap-off with my home boy Kanye West” as soon as he realised that both artists were bringing out records on the same day, adding that he’d bugger off into a dark cave somewhere if Kanye ever outsold him.

But despite getting his ass kicked black and blue from Kanye, 50 Cent didn’t retire. He cancelled some gigs which was OK but hardly what he promised. Fast-forward to a few weeks ago and 50 Cent tried exactly the same thing in the book charts against Lance Bass. And nobody even cares what the outcome was any more.

Unfortunately, 50 Cent's latest egotistical boast isn’t based around a product. This time, 50 has pretty much declared himself better than all of human kind by literally deeming everyone else around him rubbish. You see, 50 Cent can't get a girlfriend, and it's all because he's so famous and wonderful that a 'normal' woman just doesn't cut it for him any more:

"I have a lot going on and it's tough. Let's say that I'd commit to someone who is 'normal' and has a 'normal' lifestyle. But I think they would feel neglected on some levels." 

It's not looking good for 50 Cent, but we think we know where he's going wrong: 1) Any man who has to repeat his name over and over again in his own songs is not so much a lyrical genius, more a potential amnesiac. 2) You should only say you're the best if you are the best and not likely to be outsold by a bloke in a pink sweater any time soon. 3) We’re tired of 50 Cent telling us that he was shot multiple times. It's like us filling every story with mentions of the time we were sick after a dodgy takeaway.

But let's give 50 the benefit of the doubt. Yup, it would be mega-hard to get a girlfriend when you spend all hours with your nose to the grindstone pissing around in private jets across the world, going to studios to record more songs about being shot or generally living it up with the millions of dollars that people have naively given you when they bought his records. Maybe we should have a telethon for him.