Trying to land the coveted first snaps of a celebrity baby is something all rags and publications fight tooth and nail for and, boy howdy! We’ve only gone and landed the first shots of Beyonce and Jay Z’s new child, Blue Ivy!

We’re as shocked as you are!

And weirdly, we’ve got 50 Cent to thank for such an honour because he leaked them to us, allowing us to share them with you. Very good of Fiddy to give us such an exclusive isn’t it? Yes it is. Wanna see?

50 Cent shared these 100% genuine images (like it or not, they are images – 100% so) with Team Spreezy and we now get to show them to you!

And as you can see (backed up by Fiddy too), Blue Ivy looks just like her dad! It’s amazing really. We can’t quite believe how much she looks like Mr Jigga.

Fiddy tweeted:

“Yal play to much congratulations to JAYZ and Beyonce BABY #BlueIvyCarter IS GEORGOUS”

“You bull sh*ting they will pay a million dollars for a picture of that baby lol trust me.”

And so, without further ado, here are the first shots of Blue Ivy Carter, as shared to us in good faith by 50 Cent who definitely wouldn’t lie to us about such a thing!

Congrats to everyone, including us.

When 50 Cent released an album called ‘Get Rich Or Die Tryin”, no-one really suspected that what he actually meant was, at some point, he’d get so bored of being a rapper that he’d just give up living.

We’re not talking about suicide here, rather, just the complete lack of will to stay alive. He’s got rich, now he’s not bothered about breathing anymore.

And 2012 has seen Fiddy talking about just that. He just wants to stop everything. He’s had enough.

In a series of tweets, Pifty Cent (the world’s first and foremost deaf rapper) has expressed his disappointment with the world of music and has vowed to cease any self-promotion for new music releases.

“I have lost all the faith in the team I’m on. I having nothing left to say I will not be promoting my music.”

He will still release his fifth album with Interscope, but he really couldn’t care less about it.

“I’m going to deliver this album. Then I have a film I wrote to focus on. I’m not upset, I’m just convinced this is not how I want to remembered”

Remembered? Why, is he going to be dead soon? Seems so:

“I’ll be honest I don’t think I’m gonna live much longer. That’s why I started my street king movement. I want to mean more in other people”s lives.”

Just stop rapping for a start. Seriously. It sounds like you have a penis in your mouth all the time. He doesn’t does he?

Big tough guy 50 Cent quit alcohol for life after becoming ‘paranoid’ during one bad experience, or so he says. We think that’s what he said. Have you heard him talk? He sounds like a deaf tractor engine when he raps.

Of course, Fiddy spent years as a drug dealer before finding fame and fortune as a rapper, but alas, he admits that he’s never been one to indulge in drugs or drink.

Because he’s a soft-git and had a bad experience. And we know exactly what happened.

One particular incident prompted him to stop drinking forever.

FOREVER.

Talking to Piers Morgan, who still looks like unbaked pastry stuffed into a condom, he said:

“I got a chance to watch a lot of my mother’s sisters and brothers at different periods experiment with the use of drugs or alcohol and I see them respond so differently that I stay away…

“I’ve had an experience (with alcohol) that made me paranoid because of it and I stayed away from it following that.”

He pissed the bed didn’t he?

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50 Cent is an astonishing man. He’s the one who opened the door for ‘deaf rap’. No, not ‘def’. We mean ‘hard of hearing’ because, if you listen to his style, he sounds like he’s got a sock for a tongue. This paved the way for many, many tone deaf rappers.

If your skills and flow are severely limited, then the best thing to do is to court controversy.

And that is exactly what 50 Cent is doing as he’s saying he won’t release another album on Interscope and also threatening to leak Dr. Dre’s new single ‘Psycho’. And grow a proper tongue.

50 explained his plans for his Black Magic album, which he actually recorded but scrapped because he’s more interested in his new untitled cut…

“No, it has a whole new title. It’s a whole different energy. The Black Magic music, I have it, and I’ll probably use it in, maybe, a film project.”

That all sounds very professional and PR, but on twitter, he was running his mouth off.

“Man I’m not releasing a album. I can’t believe Interscope is this fucked up right now. I apologize to my fans”

“I will work with other artists on their projects but I will not put out another album. They dropped the ball with me one time too many.”

He then threatened that he would be “putting out” Dr. Dre’s next Detox single on Wednesday in retaliation against Interscope.

“You’re gonna love it, it’s a big song. I just don’t think it deserves a great setup since they can’t seem to get it right when it comes to me”

Meanwhile, the rest of the world awakes from its slumber wondering what in fuck’s name all the fuss is about while simultaneously completely ignoring new 50 track called ‘I’m On It’ which appeared online this week.

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Music lovers the world over were last Friday celebrating the news that Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson had decided not to release his forthcoming new album “Black Magic” due to an unspecified spat with his record company Interscope.

In a cruel reversal of fortune for anyone with ears and a brain, Jackson (we’re not going to dignify the whole “50 Cent” thing, much less “Fiddy”) has now announced that he has “begun to resolve” the problems so it looks like the globe will yet again be gifted with another turgid 45 minutes of monosyllabic mumbling and barely-concealed misogynism.

The big mystery is what sparked the whole thing off in the first place. We investigate…

Jackson, who has as many facial expressions as he has tones of voice – honestly, do a google image search, he always looks like he is struggling with a particularly vexing Countdown conundrum – threw his rattle out of his pram via twitter, as is the fashion these days.

Rumours that it was due to an executive suggesting that naming an album after a brand of chocolates last popular in the nineteen-eighties are unconfirmed at time of publication.

Jackson’s twitter updates on the subject are sadly about as clear as his vocal enunciation:

“Ok I tried to be cool with my record company. I went to the meeting talk to everyone and s**t feels like there moving in slow motion (sic),”

Not many clues there.

“I’m sorry to announce I will not be releasing a new album this year if we don’t get on the same page. I would rather not launch my album without a plan the whole system is executing.”

Not much better. “A plan the whole system is executing”? Really. What?

“I don’t know why they play with me. They know how I get. My whole career I’ve been doing s**t and they have been playing catch up. This is the last f**king album. THEY BETTER WAKE UP AND WORK.”

We’ll agree that he HAS been doing shit his whole career but he shouldn’t be so down on himself. It’s a big marketplace, not everyone can be talented.

Basically it all sounds like a massively girly hissy fit, with Jackson being unhappy with the rate of progress and deciding the best way to speed it all up was by cancelling the whole thing and refusing to play anymore, like a great big bellend.

Again, reports of renaming the album to the more popular “Milk Tray” brand of chocolates are unsubstantiated.

No official release date has been set. So there is hope.

Oh and he’s also writing a book, adding ‘poor writer’ to his personal credits that also include ‘dreadful actor’, ‘appalling musician’ and ‘video game character more convincing than the human it was based on’.

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Former G-Unit rapper Young Buck (pictured right) has pleaded not guilty on counts of gun possession in a Tennessee court. Unfortunately, 50 “Fifty” Cent’s former protegé was left standing outside the court house for a full five hours as no-one in the court had any idea who he was.

You might be sitting there saying “well, I believe him”. Perhaps you’re a Justin Bieber fan and are sitting saying “I belieb him”.

At the risk of being in contempt of court in another country, the $300,000 in unpaid taxes that Young Buck is apparently too idiotic to skip the country for, should suggest that he might be just too stupid or too callous to think that having an illegal, unregistered pistol in his house might be frowned upon by the law.

Unfortunately, the judges, lawyers and jury were far too tired of waiting for someone who they were assured was a rapper to turn up in court that they had all decided to ignore pretty much anything he said. It was a real pity as his constant cries of “Don’t you know who I am?!” fell on nothing more than deaf ears, stifled yawns and irritated groans.

Using our inside track to the stars, we gave Half Dollar a ring to see if he could shed any light on the identity of Young Buck and his nefarious, gun-toting, tax-avoiding antics.

Unfortunately, due to an ongoing ‘beef’ with our editor Mof Gimmers, he refused to answer any questions and instead threatened to indict us for breaking the restraining order.

Young Buck has released a press statement which was picked up by… well… no-one which said something about being cheated out of money by suits. Perhaps he used the word ‘Jew’, perhaps he didn’t. Let’s face it- the guy’s so patently irrelevant (even in a world full of irrelevant celebrities) that neither you nor us actually care if he’s anti-Semitic or not.

What have we learned then?

Basically, we’ve learned that none of us know who Young Buck is and unless he’s actually shot someone through the face with a .40 calibre bullet and then stuffed the hole full of the notes that he stole from the government, you don’t care who he is. He’s probably been on Cribs. The prick.

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Once upon a time, people would drink in pubs where there weren’t fruit machines, cigarette dispensers and jukeboxes. In-between slurping pints of ale, people brought round battered guitars and embraced the now disappearing art of simply playing a tune whilst everyone else had a sing song, even if they were rubbish.

Now this format has been taken on to mass scale where people openly and happily flaunt their singing abilities in front of a panel of supposed experts and a pack of baying audience members.

The majority are appalling and no amount of insults will pop the egotistical shield they hide behind. At times, sparks of genius such as horse faced Leona Lewis and human gargoyle Susan Boyle proved otherwise. However, one starlet appeared this year called Gamu – a young woman with a remarkable voice. Sadly she is now less known for her talent and instead used as a guide for UK immigration laws. Rock ‘n’ roll.

Once Gamu hit the scene, The X Factor suddenly stopped being a singing competition and instead became a parody of itself. Accusations of racism got flung around alongside the immigration issue. However, nobody ever stopped to ever ask themselves, “was Cheryl Cole right in thinking that Gamu wasn’t prepared for the big time, or was she totally rubbish and a generic dull singer?” Because people worryingly take supposed “light entertainment” shows seriously, hilarious death threats to judge Cheryl Coleb were sent, causing the police to get involved.

What the public failed to grasp was the daftness of Gamu in the first place. Even our hearts melted a little bit when she broke in to ‘Walking on Sunshine’, but something didn’t quite click inside her head. Sadly, people who appear on reality TV subsequently get their entire life dissected via the media. Amazingly, living with her mother on an expired visa was probably going to get picked up at some point.

Even though casual xenophobia exists too much for our liking, we half expected comments of “bloody foreigners, coming here and stealing our spots in singing competitions” to be ushered in. Oh no, in true British irony, Facebook groups were set up to save her. Granted, the authorities wanted to send her back to Zimbabwe, a country not exactly known for giving out cuddles and popcorn at the border.

We’ve heard nothing much from Gamu since The X Factor got in to the swing of things, apart from pleasing news her family won a first round court battle. Like Susan Boyle, Gamu dreamed a dream of being a singer and subsequently flogging something like tinfoil when record sales declined. Normally, half decent recent rejects get a record deal from Simon Cowell, but oddly 50 Cent has something lined up for Gamu.

“Fiddy had to wait until Gamu was released from her X Factor contract before signing her, as the show prevented the Zimbabwean singer from penning any new deals, or promoting her own work during the programme. The rapper has recruited Gamu – or Miss Gamuchirai as she will now be known – after being interested in her “for some time.”

Before you all jump around like idiots, accusing Gamu of changing her recording artist name after bagging a big deal, she is going by her surname – something which will prove hilarious when people try to announce it on live radio.

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50 Cent is the most aspirational human on the planet. Basically, he earns obscene amounts of money to rap, despite the fact that every time he opens his mouth, it’s like eavesdropping on a speech therapy clinic.

If Fiddy can get paid to rap, then you dear reader, can achieve absolutely anything you want if you put your little pea-brains to work.

However, Bifty Pent’s insane riches have landed him in a weird situation. See, some dorks decided to break into his house. You’re probably thinking they were in his palatial surrounds to steal things. Not so. What unfurls is like a Harold and Kumar script.

The chaps who were arrested inside 50 Cent’s Connecticut mondo-mansion weren’t trying to steal a thing, rather, they just wanted to get absolutely pasted on expensive booze while sitting in the lap of luxury, all the while, gurgling to themselves like Beavis and Butthead.

The sister of Alexander Hernandez – he’s one of the trespassers who was found by police officers drinking wine in Fiddy’s wardrobe – says that her brother and his accomplice just wanted to “hang out” at 50 Cent’s house because they’re both massive fans.

It kinda goes without saying that they’re as thick as pig shit.

She adds further that Hernandez never tried to steal anything from inside the house, but rather, just wanted the buzz of getting inside. Which they did. And then they stayed and got blind drunk.

It’s almost poetically brilliant.

Of course, these two dipshits are stoners and the cops said that they were both in possession of weed when they responded to the home.

We’d like to think that one of them blew their cover by rustling a grab bag of Cheetos and tittering to himself at how funny the dark is.

Unfathomably, one of these stoners got a girl pregnant and could well miss his newborn baby’s first Christmas. Oh well. That’s what you get for being toweringly dimwitted. 50 Cent, meanwhile, said of the situation:

“Mnhmmnnn nnnnghhnn nmmnmn drrnnmm gnnn mhmmm smnanmnnn, mthrfcknnn”

Brilliant. This is what dreams are made of.

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“Yippity flippity yo yo yo”, is a typical lyrical example from a 50 Cent track. Unless you thought he was just an American form of currency, he is in fact one of those gangster type of rappers who has gone through the same life changing career path as MC Foreskin Pickler.

Once they lived a life of hardship in the hood, but have now escaped their slums of a once crappy life for something more bling.

Fiddy will have also found more people offering to be his official “toothbrush guarder” or “substitute gardener”, or as they’re known on his tax form, ‘musicians’.

And now, our crazy Tweeting friend has moved in to other mediums such as books, tacky merchandising and possibly ballet.

Copying fellow rap fiend Eminem, 50 Cent has shown us his acting abilities in films portraying him as the hard bloke. Oddly, the American star has been given the green light to come over and invade one of the finest shows that has at least five domestic arguments per episode.

That’s right, Eastenders.

After the appearance of Boris Johnson, Robbie Williams and David Walliams, the tube station of Walford has been open for pesky outsiders to have a greasy breakfast in Ian’s café. Sadly, 50 Cent won’t be able to drag all his bitches and hos down to the Queen Vic after that bloody muppet Phil Mitchell went and reduced it to ashes.

So who do we blame for 50 Cent arriving in Eastenders, where he’ll look out of place, unless he decides to set up shop as the squares resident crack dealer?

Strangely, we don’t have to turn to any London based musicians or even Bono for pulling a few strings. Look no further than Manchester United defender Rio ‘Bones Made From Glass’ Ferdinand who introduced him to the soap. Here, 50 Cent will have learnt the complete way of British culture, including the policy of living, working and socialising in the same place.

After all, the world is a big scary place. Speaking about the cameo appearance to The Mirror, he said:

“I really wanted Peggy to throw me out of her pub, but I didn’t get it organised quick enough and it’s too late now. I’ve performed with Eminem and Justin Timberlake, acted with De Niro and Pacino, had a guest spot on The Simpsons – in the US a sign you’ve made it to the very top, but I can’t fulfil my biggest showbiz dream.”

What 50 Cent will bring to the show is unclear at this point, after weeks of supposed negotiations; he is ready to make an appearance in the next six months. Below are the scenarios that will best fit 50 Cent.

- Appear as 50 Pence, a 50 Cent impersonator.
- Committing a drive by shooting in a clapped out Vauxhall.
- Slapping some sense in to the characters who deem it acceptable to shout all of their sodding lines.
- Getting in to a bar fight with Billy Mitchell after 50 Cent’s favourite snack of beef jerky goes missing.

So when does Rio jump out and shout “You’ve been merked, mayte!” at Fiddles Cent?

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Misogynist monotone mumbler 50 Cent has re-cast himself as some sort of rubbish movie mogul and has announced his intention to launch ‘Our Cheryl TM’ as a star of the silver screen, what with his own massive success in that area and that.

One of the most recent of the rappers acting credits has been as Cutis Jackson in video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, so we know how he rolls.

With a complete lack of self-awareness, the artist we will never refer to as ‘Fiddy’ has stated that “I am not talking about cameos in laughable movies. I am talking about proper, serious movie roles.”

Because he can make that happen, what with him having appeared in Righteous Kill at the same time as Robert De Niro for about ten seconds.

“I am going to set up a dinner in Robert’s restaurant in New York between the three of us and we can talk,” he told the Daily Star. And that is one dinner we would all like to see.

Robert De Niro was today unavailable to confirm or deny his dinner plans.

Cole, as we’ve already mentioned, is managing to avoid ‘cameo roles in laughable movies’ and is soon to appear in The Beano as side-kick to Minnie the Minx. Please note – this is not poor satire, it is tragic fact.

50 Cent’s next ‘proper, serious movie’ is currently in pre-production and is entitled The Ski Mask Way as noted on IMDb. Again, we’re not making this up.

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Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal look pretty similar, don’t they? That doe-eyed bulging apathy that seeps from their indistinct puff-gobs make them near gloomy twins.

Gylenhaal even nearly replaced Maguire as Spiderman when producers thought that Peter Parker needed to mope around a bit more in the sequel. It’s little surprise that someone eventually paired the two together as siblings.

Brothers has Maguire as the straight-up soldier serving duty in Afghanistan while his drunk brother falls over a lot and takes fancy to Maguire’s misses. Hilarity doesn’t quite insure, so much as gets tied to a breezeblock and tossed in a river.

Director Jim Sheridan decides to take a break from making films about 50 Cent being an awful turd and focuses on harrowing Danish drama remakes. The type that’ll put thought in your head and regret in your heart for watching it with you girlfriend in the vein attempt to get lucky.

It’s also pretty pedestrian stuff: after Sam (Maguire) goes missing in Afghanistan, his wife, Grace (Natalie Portman), has to deal with the aftermath and put her life back together. In walks rugged Tommy (Gyleenhaal), a rough-neck recently incarcerated loser, who decides to change both their lives for the better. Sparks fly, people cry, competent drama is on the menu. Things take a turn for the worst when Sam turns up again, only to find that his wife and brother are a bit too cosy.

If all of this sounds familiar, then you have probably seen Pearl Harbour. Or at least the second act of Pearl Harbour, after all that needless exposition and before all the carelessly exploitative action. You know, that horrible love triangle that sank the film into the bottom of the ocean of Hollywood?

Then again, when you replace Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett – a joint charisma level of a tin of sardines – with the pedigree of the bloke who rode Seabiscuit and that guy from the film that made no sense, it becomes an affecting drama.

Maguire particularly stands out. His turmoil in Afghanistan, while grimly predictable, punctuates a desperate situation with subtlety. His return to his family gradually shows a man beginning to uncoil, at any moment about to snap.

Portman doesn’t quite convince as much – especially being a young mother of two with zero waistline. She doesn’t have as much to do, though. Most of the time competing with Gylenhaal in a contest of ‘Who Can Make The Most Vacant Expression’.

It’s Maguire’s show and when it comes down to the climatic confrontation he delivers a riveting destructive outburst that suitably shocks and surprises. It’s a shame, then, that the film is destined to be overlooked much like every other outstanding Maguire movie that isn’t Spiderman; Pleasentville, The Ice Storm, Cats & Dogs. God dammit we love Cats & Dogs. Oh look, a sequel is out soon – yay!

‘Spray Rating: 3/5

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Never say that 50 Cent doesn’t take his acting seriously – just look at his first film Get Rich Or Die Tryin’.

Talk about method acting! To prepare for his role as a drug dealer who tries to become a rapper and gets shot in the process, 50 Cent actually became a drug dealer as a child, and did some rapping and got shot nine times at point blank range. His dedication is truly incredible.

And in his new film 50 Cent plays a man with cancer. So what did 50 Cent do to inhabit his character? Get cancer? No, you moron, he just lost a bit of weight. He isn’t an idiot, you know. Jesus, you people.

The quickest way to get taken seriously as an actor, as everyone knows, is to transform your body shape. Charlize Theron won an Oscar for getting a bit fat in Monster. Then there’s Robert De Niro, who won an Oscar for getting a bit fat in Raging Bull. And if it wasn’t for his shocking weight loss in The Machinist, Christian Bale wouldn’t be famous enough for everyone on the face of the planet to take the piss out of him whenever he gets a bit angry.

Of course, another way to get taken seriously as an actor is to play someone with a disease. And that’s why 50 Cent has taken no chances – for his new movie he’s lost 54 pounds to play a man with cancer. Obviously the third way to get taken seriously as an actor is to star in a biopic of a singer, but it looks like 50 Cent has decided not to play it safe by making the film a fictional account of the invented time when, say, Barry White got cancer. Probably for the best, really.

But, anyway, 50 Cent has posted pictures of his weight loss on his official website. MTV reports:

The Queens superstar lost a dramatic amount of weight for a movie he wrote and stars in called “Things Fall Apart,” in which Fif plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. “I lost 54 pounds for it,” 50 said of his role. “I was starving.” 50 reportedly dropped down to 160 pounds from 214, while also losing 6 inches from his waist.

It’s impressive, but it’d clearly be more impressive if 50 Cent had entered into a competition with Kanye West to see who could lose the most weight. After all, it brought them both a lot of attention when they did the same thing with record sales, only this time there’d be the added possibility that they’d both lose so much weight that they’d completely disappear.

Image credit: www.ThisIs50.com

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When people have good news to announce, they are usually bubbling with excitement and oozing with joy to share the information with others. Of course, we felt a little bit giddy when friend of the family and idol to a few hundred people rang us up. Using these exact words, 50 Cent or “centy” as we call him said.

“Yippity yo yo yo you fly party gangsters. Just wanna hit you guys up and let you know I got some shit-hot information for ya’ll to download in your tiny mind. Later, peace out”.

Actually, that is a bit of a lie, we didn’t speak to 50 Cent. However, when we found out that he did have something to announce, our hearts did leap in to our mouths. Would he raise the bar and be one of the first rappers who pump out generic rap guff to call it a day and retire to one of his 482 mansions with all his ho’s? Sadly for us, he announced the exact opposite.

Don’t get us wrong, we hold no personal grudges against Mr. 50 Cent. We’re sure he’s a lovely man, would lend you some money in a game on Monopoly if you were going bankrupt and definitely swap football stickers with your kids. But talk about flogging his line of work to death again and again. We can’t go roughly one minute or so without an utterance of a swearword or something to do with “tapping that ass”.

As a mainstream rapper, fans of the genre are presented with a number of fellow stars who pretty much spit out the same sounding rhymes. Even the videos to accompany the songs are generic. Throw in a stupidly expensive looking car, an oversized necklace that amazingly doesn’t pull down it’s wearer due to its gravitational force and some woman shaking her boot-ay, wearing just a tie to cover whatever is left of her already destroyed soul and modesty. Speaking to the Belfast Telegraph, our old mucker 50 Cent said about retirement:

“I don’t think I’ll retire – I think you should look forward to me going behind the scenes more, I still have passion for music. The music business itself has changed. If you can’t figure out how to develop the brand extension and opportunities that allow you to build up the marketing dollar, I don’t see how you can continue to be a superstar.”

At the moment, 50 Cent is still banging out plenty of tunes about all his various party antics and never ending name drops of products. It’s almost like he wants these companies to send him some free samples or something. Current songs generally go like:

It’s Friday night,
I’m feeling all right,
Gonna pull in to a club and find me a lady but nothing to samey,
I’ve pretty done all the whores in town,
Just let me get my shit in case I get hit and all sorts of crap goes down,
If my crew ain’t around I might need to run through town with my new white Nike’s on.

However, if 50 Cent decides to keep on rapping ’til he’s a crinkly pensioner and is living in a care home, we feel that his output might differ dramatically:

Oh bollocks, its 10.30am,
It looks like I shit the bed again,
Where’s the nurse with the meds?
My piss bag is full and its typical that no-one’s come to visit again.

Sign us up for the ninety eighth release from 50 Cent when he reaches the ripe old age of 92. We hear that it’s been given the working title, “hold on to your flaps”.

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Like many people, we can only achieve climax from pornography if rap stars edit footage of themselves into it.

We should be more specific. We can only achieve climax from pornography if the edited rap star footage shows them wearing a purple fur coat and giant curly wig. And if they include a voiceover that involves them screeching incomprehensibly in a sort of weird high-pitched Skeletor voice during the actual pornography, then we’re basically in ejaculation city, baby.

Luckily, 50 Cent appears to have made that exact thing, for reasons that only he could explain. However, the woman in the sex tape has now sued 50 Cent for emotional distress. Which is weird, because now that we’ve seen 50 cent in a purple coat and a curly wig doing an indecipherable voiceover to a sex tape, we imagine we deserve quite a large lump sum as well.

Think of all the great hip-hop beefs of our time. Biggie Vs Tupac. Nas Vs Jay-Z.  Eminem Vs Vanilla Ice. They all followed more or less the same formula – Act One criticises Act Two in a song, then Act Two retaliates with a song of their own and it all continues until everyone is dead or, tragically, one of them does a song with Jedward. But 50 Cent doesn’t play by those rules. 50 Cent doesn’t have beefs. 50 Cent has entire cows. Entire herds of cows. Which would be OK, if only he was any good at them. But he’s not.

He really isn’t. Remember the beef that 50 Cent had with Kanye West, where he threatened to quit music forever if Kanye West outsold him? If you do, you’ll know that Kanye West ended up quite comprehensively outselling him. But that didn’t technically qualify as a 50 Cent beef, because at no point during it did 50 Cent slip into a purple fur coat and horrific Leo Sayer wig and narrate his way through a Kanye West sex tape in a voice so shrill and incoherent that you could be forgiven for confusing him with Tilikum the killer whale.

But that’s apparently what 50 Cent did during a recent feud with Rick Ross, who we haven’t heard of either. And now he’s being sued for it. Reuters explains:

A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent for posting her sex tape online without her consent, which was widely seen as part of the singer’s feud with rival Rick Ross. Lastonia Leviston claimed she made the tape in June 2008 with a former boyfriend who sold it to 50 Cent. Leviston said 50 Cent then taped himself dressed in a wig and robe and edited himself into the video, adding his own narration before posting it on his website.

We don’t know what 50 Cent’s reaction to this lawsuit is, largely because every time we think about 50 Cent screeching on about boobies in a silly wig and purple coat we think we’re in the middle of some kind of unstoppable cheese nightmare and we start clawing at our face with our fingernails just to make sure we can even feel any more.

Also, the sex tape is still online but we’re not posting it. That’s not because we’re unsure of the legal consequences of doing so, or because we’re concerned about the emotional distress that it’d cause to the woman involved. No, instead we’re refusing to post it because it’s a video of 50 Cent done up like a pimp version of Rod Hull and shrieking about willies and we don’t want to cause your libido to wilt as much as ours just has.

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Take 50 Cent and Susan Boyle. You wouldn’t really want to spend a single minute of your time in their company, would you?

Think about it, they’d both spew out the same mushy story in a vain attempt to make you give a toss about them. Both of them have humble backgrounds and didn’t find it easy to get to where they are today.

50 Cent came from a quiet neighbourhood where he occasionally got shot at and had to sell sherbet disguised as cocaine to make a living. His repetitive songs about drinking overpriced booze and perving on woman soon made him a hit with teenagers everywhere. Susan Boyle is simply a scary Scottish woman who went a bit mental after losing to Diversity on Britain’s Got Talent. She’s now deemed a vague success after Simon Cowell whored her out to the world. Would you expect a retard gangster and a wobbly opera singer to collaborate? Of course not, you dimwit, but 50 Cent believes so.

It’s a potential collaboration that really is leaving us scratching our knackers in confusion. There are plenty of questions running thorough our mind at the moment. What would it sound like? Why would anyone want to listen to it? Would Susan Boyle be dolled up in a gold bikini in the video and simulate sexual acts on 50 Cent across a pimped-up club? Perhaps 50 Cent would perform a dance with her cat Pebbles. It’s a mystery that is melting our minds faster than a polar bear’s igloo.

Nobody is naive enough to think that this would ever work. Realistically it should be labelled as a stupid idea that would never really work, unless you have no musical knowledge or ability to detect good from evil. Saying that, Susan Boyle knows music’s worst enemy, Simon Cowell. If he felt like it, he could make the track bigger than Mr. Blobby or Bob The Builder’s hit records. Speaking to The Mirror, 50 Cent said:

“Susan Boyle is hot right now. I got to get her on a track, for real. We’d make a hit. Everyone is talking about her, the lady from Britain’s Got Talent. She’s got an amazing voice, and together we’d get everyone dancing. I’m always looking to do something new and she’s cool, so I’ll ask somebody to let her know.”

Hold on a second, 50 Cent wants to do something new? Wouldn’t that mean he’d have to change his entire musical perspective and write lyrics that actually made sense, contained no swearing every other minute and produce a record without a million guest appearances from MC Laminate Flooring and DJ Lamp Juice? We won’t hold our breath at all. But Fifty has another plan, The Mirror again reports:

“I’d love to take her clubbing, show her around my world. She’d have a great time.”

Are we being totally moronic? Maybe he doesn’t want to record a song with her; perhaps he wants to make sweet love to her! Susan Boyle’s withering cherry must be getting mouldy and smelly by now. A menacing American rapper would relieve her of that problem once and for all.

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