Sylvester Stallone Fined For Smuggling All Those Delicious Hormones

Sylvester Stallone must be sadly reflecting on the time he failed to notice that you're not allowed to smuggle 45 vials of banned human growth hormone into Australia – and his $10,000 fine will make sure that he'll never do it again.

But who's the real criminal here? Is it Sylvester Stallone for neglecting to realise that 45 vials of banned human growth hormone was a substance that the Australian customs officials would look down on, or is it the Australian customs officials themselves, who have fined Sylvester Stallone $10,000 for what amounts to a basic legislative misunderstanding even when they know full well that Sylvester Stallone will shrivel up like an old man's genitalia in a cold bath if he isn't treated to his daily delicious breakfast of 45 vials of banned human growth hormone? 

It's Sylvester Stallone, isn't it. We figured as much.

Sylvester Stallone used to travel around without a care in the world. Sometimes he'd make a new Rocky film, sometimes he'd make a new Rambo film, other times he'd just have a smashing disco party. Stallone's life wasn't without trouble, though – sometimes old boxers would try to sue him, sometimes his career would fall to tatters and he'd be reduced to selling branded pudding snacks – but Sylvester Stallone always got away with things.

Then Sylvester Stallone went to Australia. And everything went wrong.

When Sylvester Stallone was first held back by Australian customs while promoting Rocky Balboa in February, it was due to 'prohibited items' in his luggage. As anyone who's ever been to Australia know, this 'prohibited item' could have been anything from an apple to an eraser shaped like some food to a real-life, full-sized dolphin. Eventually, though, the truth came out – Sylvester Stallone was charged with importing 45 vials of the human growth hormone Jintropin into the country. Although we don't know for sure, we'd guess that Jintropin was the substance that made Sylvester Stallone's body all massive and veiny for Rocky Balboa, although we're unsure whether it had anything to do with his face looking like a big collapsed victoria sponge for the movie either.

Anyway, yesterday Sylvester Stallone was officially convicted of sneaking all of that human growth hormone into Australia in the most exciting court case Australia has seen since Drongo Mullangawanga pushed a dingo into a creek in 1972, as E! Online reports:

"The accused came into this country as a visitor, all visitors are welcome as long as they obey the law," Deputy Chief Magistrate Paul Cloran said. "Mr. Stallone made an error of judgment and he has apologized…with the plea of guilty he has done all he could to remedy the situation." Almost. The 60-year-old artificially enhanced movie star was ordered to pay $2,451 for his guilty plea and a further $8,200 to cover prosecution costs.

While the fine is slightly higher than normal – owing to the fact that Sylvester Stallone apparently lied to customs officials about how legal all his wonderful Jintropin was – it's not the worst punishment that Sylvester Stallone could have faced. That would have been either five years in jail or a night out with the stingrays.

But the story has worked out well enough for everyone. The Australian government has raised an important point to the world about how it treats those who disobey its rules – and Sylvester Stallone, although chastened, has had to pay a minimal fine that he can easily afford. But most importantly of all, Sylvester Stallone didn't have to resort to his number one Jintropin alternative – pulling off babies' heads and drinking their spinal fluid.

Read more: 

Australian Court KOs Stallone – E! Online