What’s the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan? We’ll tell you. Inspirational.
No, really. Inspirational is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan. It is. It is. It is. Shut up. It is.
Alright, inspirational is almost the last word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan, sandwiched between ‘well-adjusted’ and ‘clothed’. But Ryan Seacrest clearly thinks that Lindsay Lohan is inspirational, because he’s just hired her to be the judge of his new reality TV show, provisionally titled America’s Next Top Harrowing Trainwreck Hasbeen.
Say what you like about Lindsay Lohan, but never say that she’s lost her dignity. Actually, scrap that. You may as well say that Lindsay Lohan has lost her dignity, because in retrospect that was one of the first things to go. In fact, claiming that Lindsay Lohan still has her dignity is plainly the worst kind of bullshit that only someone who had never heard of Lindsay Lohan would say. So, you know, sorry.
What we meant to say was that, despite all the horrible things that have happened to Lindsay Lohan in recent years – the arrests, the protracted rehab stints, the sudden lesbianism, the nudity, Georgia Rule – at least she never succumbed to the curse of reality television. True, her family did, but that was only because her mother is such a desperate attention-whore that we suspect it was either star in a reality TV show or get her bum out for strangers at bus stops.
But not Lindsay Lohan. She long ago decided that a Denise Richards: It’s Complicated-style reality series wasn’t for her, partly because her life is already comprehensively documented in magazines and on the internet, and partly because there’d be other choice but to call the series Lindsay Lohan: It’s A Staggeringly Morbid Spectacle That Will Puncture Any Notions You May Have Developed Around The Idea That There’s An Overwhelming Goodness At The Heart Of Humanity, which wouldn’t have really fit into TV guides particularly well.
But all of that ends now, because it’s been reported that Ryan Seacrest has picked up Lindsay Lohan to be a judge on his new reality TV show. The New York Daily News reports:
“Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her?it helps people and gives others a second shot!” Seacrest wrote on Twitter. “Still putting it all together.”… Lohan, 22, also mentioned details of the pair?s new project on her Twitter page. “Working on a really great project for television – I am excited!” she tweeted. “Something meaningful like Extreme Home Makeover on ABC? :)”
According to reports, the new show will be an American Idol-style show which is all teary-eyed sob-story and no hopeless Aerosmith cover versions. Whoever is deemed to have the most miserable life each episode will be given a million dollars to turn their lives around and definitely not spend any of it on drugs and glue-sniffing prostitutes.
And, just to reiterate, Lindsay Lohan is going to be a judge on this show. A judge. Not a contestant. A judge.
Even though a) we strongly presume that Lindsay Lohan thinks that she’s the only living person on the entire face of the planet, b) paying Lindsay Lohan to offer advice to people who no longer want to have troubled lives is a little bit like paying Jeffrey Dahmer to offer advice to people who no longer want to rape, torture, murder, dismember and eat arbitrarily-chosen members of the public and c) the extent of Lindsay Lohan’s advice is likely to be “Hey, have you thought about making a low-budget movie about a pair of amnesiac lapdancing twins? It certainly worked for me!” Lindsay Lohan is actually going to be a judge on Ryan Seacrest’s new TV show.
It sounds horrible. We literally can’t wait for it to start.