You’re Rihanna, and you’ve just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you.
What happens next? Well, it’s obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get ?7 million if he ever does it again. That’s apparently the deal that Rihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we’d have stuck out for a ‘stop releasing your bad records’ clause, but it was Rihanna’s choice.
Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single – entitled Hey Chris Brown, You’re A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis – in the summer.
You know what? We’ve been approaching this Rihanna/ Chris Brown story from completely the wrong reference point. All this time we’ve been comparing it to What’s Love Got To Do With It, the film where Ike Turner hits Tina Turner a bunch of times and then Tina Turner leaves Ike to forge a successful career singing songs about window condensation.
But that’s not the case at all – in fact the Rihanna/ Chris Brown saga is most like Indecent Proposal.
Sort of. A cross between Indecent Proposal and the torture scenes from Rambo 2, at least. You’ll remember that, despite being charged with committing a horribly violent act against her, Chris Brown and Rihanna recently got back together. But it’s been reported that, just to be sure of her safety, Rihanna has drawn up a contract whereby Chris Brown will have to pay her ?7 million if he decides to flip out and go berserk on her face with his fists again. Metro reports:
A source from the R’n’B star’s management team is reported as saying that Brown will pay the hefty fine if he “as much as squeezes her arm the wrong way”. He will also appear on US chat shows with Rihanna, 21, to discuss anger counselling in an attempt to “turn a bad situation into something good”.
Gracious, Chris Brown is certainly being taught a hard lesson here. True, that lesson seems to be that he should quickly learn the right way to squeeze a woman’s arm – nice and high up so the bruises are harder to spot – but it’s a lesson nonetheless.
News of this supposed deal have also forced us to rethink Rihanna’s reaction to the incident. At first, like everyone else in the world, we assumed that Rihanna only took Chris Brown back because she was a phenomenal berk of heroic magnitude. But now? Now we can see the fiendish game she’s playing.
Because, face it, if you were a popstar and your allegedly abusive boyfriend had just promised to pay you ?7 million if he was ever violent towards you again, what’s the first thing you’d do? That’s right, you’d paint a ruddy great target on your face, wouldn’t you? And then you’d sleep with his best friend. And then you’d write and release a song about what a stupid 14-year-old’s bumfluff moustache he’s got. And then you’d train yourself up to be brilliant at throwing car keys out of windows.
And then you’d book yourself a trip to the diamond-covered speedboat shop. That Rihanna, she’s a bloody genius.
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HT says
Surely you’d rather sleep with the friend of the boyfriend most likely to give you an STD which you can then pass on to said allegedly abusive boyfriend?
magnetite says
Even if he decides to get his money’s worth, then she’ll still have a fallback career as a John Merrick impersonator.
Clever girl, Rihanna.
Wait, what am I saying? I meant ‘you’ll regret that Faustian pact with Me-fist-all-fillies, you daft mercenary twat’.
Julian Mentat says
Christ, my dad owes my mom BILLIONS!
Jackson Turner says
he’s a misogynist woman beater. I hope he goes to jail.