Prepare Yourselves for the Pretentious Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie Wedding

Brad and Angelina Wedding Is NighWell, apparently, 2012 isn’t the year of the Apocalypse after all. And as a way of saying thanks to the gods for sparing us from Doomsday, we have a generous offering to make unto them: the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wedding.?

This week, during the Killing Them Softly premiere, Pitt announced: ” The time is nigh. It?s soon. I got a good feeling about it.” Prepare yourselves, my friends. For the most pretentious wedding of the century is nearly upon us.

When Brad pulled the ol’ switcheroo and ditched Jennifer Aniston for Angelina, we didn’t take the new relationship too seriously. It was a fling, we all thought. I mean, how could two people that beautiful ever be together forever? If history has taught us anything, it’s that gorgeous people just don’t belong together. Oh, shit. Sorry, wrong link. Here you go.

At any rate, their collective beauty was too much for us to take in. We were sure a split was in the near future.

And then she got pregnant. And got a tattoo! Brad soon became a part of the small civilization Angelina was raising, and when they announced their engagement, the world gasped.

Of course, that was back in April. It’s been eight months, the world doesn’t have that much time. What the hell are these two waiting for?

That’s what celebrity reporters were wondering when they got the balls to ask Pitt when he was planning to seal the deal.

?I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime,” he said.

Okay, so I guess that narrows it down to within the next seventy years. ‘Nigh’ my ass. Pitt continued:

“We?ve had a family, we?ve raised the kids. I am surprised how much [marriage] meant to me once you had that.?

But, whatever. What are the details? As far as location, Pitt says it will be “a matter of convenience location-wise.” Sounds very romantic. Who will be invited? “Just family. Keep it simply. Keep it simple?really.”

One thing’s for sure, the wedding will be pretentious as shit. These two seem to be getting more obnoxious as the years go by, and the public most recently caught onto this with Pitt’s bizarre Chanel ad. So what did he have to say about this ad? He told Access Hollywood:

“I kind of liked it. I respect what [Chanel does]. They do some really quality things.”

Brad Pitt's Pretentious Chanel Ad

You know your commercial’s bad when the guy you’re paying to sell your product says he “kind of” liked it.

?I haven?t [seen the parodies] ? but I say absolutely fair play. I?ve been overseas, so I?ve been blissfully protected.?

Perhaps Brad was following in his better half’s footsteps. Because Angelina starred in a series of pretentious ads for high-end goods herself.

Oh, and then there’s the time Brad dished on his sex life with Angelina. Instead of high-fiving that he “hit that” like any normal guy, here’s Brad’s pretentious version of kiss-and tell:

“She’s still a bad girl. Delightfully so. It’s not for public consumption.”

One can only imagine the amount of eye rolling that will take place at this wedding.


  1. Samra says

    Was there a point to all this writing you apparently spent time on? What, you’re angry because Brad and Angie are together and are planning to get married? You had to dig deep to find something nasty to say. Any other thoughts going on in your head?