Brad Pitt’s new Chanel No. 5 commercial is painful to watch. And that’s mostly because the man we once loved—our Tyler Durden, our Mickey O’Neil—has become a giant clump of pretentious asshole.
In a single thirty second spot, Pitt joins the ranks of other stars who have been the face of pretentious endorsements, from Bob Dylan to U2.
Without further adieu, we bring you some of the most pretentious celebrity commercials.
In a 2004 Victoria’s Secret commercial, Bob Dylan is featured, looking eruditely at the camera, and sing-saying: “I’m walkin’ through streets that are dead.” Seriously, Bob? You’re peddling panties, get over it. The entire commercial features Adrianna Lima smoldering in her skivvies, ruined by shots of Bob Dylan’s mug reminding us that he’s old enough to be her grandfather.
To be fair, though, in 1965, when asked what product would make him sell out, Dylan responded: “Ladies undergarments.”
Sly might be an action movie icon, but trying to pass him off as an eloquent sage was a big mistake. In this commercial, Stallone hits a punching bag while waxing philosophical. The monologue is long, so I’ve highlighted the best parts, but really, it’s well worth the read:
“Pleasure and pain. They’re not opposites. They’re neighbors … separated by a thin line, by a split second. One minute you’re feeling like everything is going your way … like you’re ready to climb the highest mountain … headed for the top of the world. But in the game of life you never know. You train for years to get a piece of personal glory or a chance to stand toe to toe with your peers and say, ‘Here I am. Take your best shot.’ Then the contest begins and BANG! — you’re down for the count…So do you go home with a broken heart? Or do you get up smarter, wiser and better prepared then ever before? You hope it won’t be the same story, or will pleasure turn into pain again? Are you ready to take life’s best punch — and stay on your feet? I can’t answer that. Only you can. Are you hoping for the best? Are you prepared for the challenge? Are you — A Contender?”
It’s kind of a deep message, I guess, but it’s a bit hard to take it seriously with cutaways of Sly groaning on a bench press.
But anyway, what profound product was he shilling? Nutrition supplements, of course. Check it out.
Well, no surprise here. Bono wanted to help sell the Blackberry, so he starred in this highly pretentious video, which features him singing earnestly within the backdrop of an exploding galaxy. “Every generation gets a chance to change the world,” Bono sings. “Is the sweetest melody the one we haven’t heard? Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?”
Who knows? Just buy a fucking Blackberry.
So this is where Brad got it.
Angelina recently starred in a commercial titled “Angelina Jolie’s Journey to Cambodia,” which consisted of her walking around the Cambodian landscape, pondering into the sweet jungle air. She smiles at the environment around her, rich with culture, history and heartache.
So what’s she endorsing? Adoption? UNICEF? TOMS, even?
Close, Louis Vuitton. The ad campaign was amusingly titled, “Core Values.” Hey, here’s a value. Don’t spend upwards of a thousand bucks on a bag to put your shit in. Try explaining that to the Cambodian children: “You see, we have so much expensive stuff, we have to put it inside of even more expensive stuff!”
At any rate, if you’ve missed the cringe worthy Brad Pitt commercial, check it out here: