Levi Johnston is like buses. Specifically big, stupid-looking sexually-misinformed, culturally-notorious buses.
Let us explain. Like buses, you can go your whole life waiting for one woefully opportunistic grasp for ephemeral celebrity from Levi Johnston, and then two come along at once. You might remember earlier this week when Levi Johnston decided to cash in his fame as the father of Sarah Palin‘s illegitimate grandchild by doing a TV commercial for some pistachio nuts. Well that’s nothing.
Because Levi Johnston will soon pose naked for Playgirl. Finally we’ll get to see the dick that ruined Sarah Palin’s election hopes. Oh no, wait, that was Sarah Palin.
If we were Kevin Federline, we’d be sweating right now. Admittedly if we were Kevin Federline we’d be sweating all the time, largely because we’d become so morbidly obese in recent months that even breathing in and out would be a gargantuan battle of will vs basic physics, but we digress.
What we meant to say was that if we were Kevin Federline we’d be sweating a lot right now in particular because of Levi Johnston. For years Kevin Federline has meticulously built up a reputation as the world’s most awful, self-serving, coattail-riding celebrity babydaddy – as demonstrated by his hip-hop career, mind-numbing cameos on television shows and his preposterous willingness to do anything to keep his name in the limelight – and now Levi Johnston has come along to casually run him off the track.
Sure, a few months ago Levi Johnston might have posed topless for GQ, but that was to accompany an article about how he got caught up in the Republican election machine by getting Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter pregnant, so it’s sort of forgivable. And, sure, Levi Johnston might have starred in a tacky pistachio nut commercial this week, but he’s got a baby to feed now. He can’t go round turning down large amounts of money like that.
And now Levi Johnston has agreed to pose naked for Playgirl, which… um, no, actually we can’t think of a decent excuse for that at all. Ick. AP reports:
Posing nude for Playgirl is next for the 19-year-old father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild. Johnston’s attorney said that a formal agreement has not been reached with the online magazine but adds it’s a “foregone conclusion” it will happen… To get ready for his close-up, Johnston is training three hours a day, six nights a week at an Anchorage gym with a local body builder.
That’s good. At least Levi Johnston is taking his Playgirl shoot seriously enough to train for it. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than going onto the internet to deliberately stare at the bare ballsack of a man primarily famous for getting a teenage redneck pregnant only to discover that he’s got a slightly flabby midriff, is there?
There’s nothing for it. Kevin Federline needs to fight back against this cocky young whippersnapper before he’s overshadowed completely. And he should totally fight fire with fire. That’s right, we’re suggest that Kevin Federline’s comeback should involve him posing naked for – hang on, sorry, we just threw up.
Kevin Federline’s comeback should involve him posing naked for – wait, no, sorry, we’ve thrown up again. It’s all in our lap. We think we’ve got a partially-digested chunk of apple lodged in one of our sinuses, too. Oh, this is unpleasant.
Maybe Kevin Federline should just write a book or something.
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