Weirdos, were you upset when you discovered that Nadya Suleman wouldn’t star in that multiperson porn film?
You were? Well hope is here! Because what’s better than watching a video of a sweaty red-faced woman who looks a bit like Angelina Jolie shoving eight normal men up her at once? That’s right, a video of a sweaty red-faced woman who looks a bit like Angelina Jolie having eight screaming blood-covered midgets yanked out of her hacked-open stomach!
Which is to say that Octomom Nadya Suleman is considering selling her birth tape to the highest bidder. Mmm, someone pass the Kleenex.
Oh, the internet. You’ve changed. We remember the old days when you used to only be about bomb-making tutorials and big-haired porno films that took eight hours to download. Now, though? Now you’ve got sick.
We stuck by you when you decided to mostly fill yourself with videos of kittens. We even managed to forgive you when you let Dean Gaffney onto Twitter. But now we hear that you’re planning to exhibit a video of Octomom Nadya Suleman popping a neverending string of babies out of her body like a damp mogwai, and we think we should probably end things with you.
It’s obvious that Nadya Suleman needs as much money as she can possibly get – after giving birth to eight babies at once recently, a) she’s now got 14 mouths to feed and b) the cost of the elastic bands needed to stop her reproductive system imploding and flopping out of her vajayjay alone must be staggering.
And as a responsible citizen, Nadya Suleman doesn’t want to rely solely on the taxpayer for the upbringing of her children, which is why she’s currently going out of her way to accept paid interviews on every single TV show, website, magazine and newspaper on Earth.
But even Nadya Suleman has standards. After she was offered a $1 million porn contract last week, for example, Suleman turned it down on the basis that one day she’d have to look her kids in the eye and explain that the only reason that they all own shoes is because mummy once had to let eight men jizz on her face. And that’d probably be quite an awkward conversation, really.
No, a much better idea would be for Nadya Suleman to sell the video of her children’s birth to the highest bidder instead. It’d be just like the porn film, except there’d be a lot more screaming, a little bit more blood and, statistically, some unexpected pooping at the end. TMZ reports:
TMZ has absolute confirmation from multiple sources that a videotape showing OctoMom giving birth to her 8 babies in the hospital room is being shopped around town — FOR SEVEN FIGURES!!!!!
Notice that Nadya Suleman’s birth tape is only being shopped around – as far as we know, nobody has actually bought it yet. And that’s a good thing – tapes like that should be a private thing, between a mother and her horrified, horrified, vomiting, retinally-scarred children.
So what’s the next step for Nadya Suleman if this falls through? We’re not sure, but it had better involve her placenta getting its own reality TV show, or else we’re going to be sorely disappointed.
Sean Mac says
Angelina jolie? looks more like pete burns to me.
shooty* says
Good call.
octocrazy says
YUCK!!!YUCK!!
this nadya suleman really really makes me want to PUKE on her ugly face!
green says
“Pete Burns”
Dear God she does.