At first it sounded like the best idea ever – Octomom Nadya Suleman being filmed shagging eight men at once.
Wait, did we say best? We meant most eye-clawingly gruesome. Honestly, watching a single mother get gangbanged by eight blokes just so she can feed her family would have to be at the bottom of everyone’s must-see porn list, right after 2 Girls 1 Cup and anything starring Jodie Marsh.
However, Nadya Suleman has reportedly turned down the $1 million porn contract she was offered, which means we’ll never get to see the thing we never wanted to see. It’s weirdly disappointing, isn’t it?
If – like Octomom Nadya Suleman – you’ve ever had 14 children, you’ll probably discover a lot about yourself. For instance, you’ll find out that people won’t know whether to greet you as a human being or a comic book supervillain. Also, you’ll learn that your bones have been sapped of calcium to such a ludicrous degree that a stiff breeze will probably disintegrate your spine.
Most of all, though, you’ll discover that the porn industry will welcome you with open arms. That’s what happened yesterday, when Vivid Entertainment made the extraordinarily philanthropic gesture of offering Nadya Suleman $1 million to raise her kids. And all Nadya Suleman had to do in return was have full, possibly unprotected, sex with eight sweaty men on camera.
Whether this would involve all the men going at Nadya Suleman at once, or taking turns in a rotation system, or four men going at her while the other four men lifted all her excess post-pregnancy skin out the way of her vagina like a sort of fleshy ship’s sail, we just don’t know.
But, regardless of the logistics, it was still a disgusting proposition. Asking Nadya Suleman to have sex with eight men just because she recently gave birth to eight children is hideous and opportunistic. Now, if she’d been asked to have sex with eight men who were dressed up as babies, it would have made much more sense and everyone would have definitely watched it.
That wasn’t the offer, though, and so Nadya Suleman has turned Vivid down. But only because none of the men would be dressed up as babies. mind you. Not because of anything else. OK, maybe a bit because of anything else. According to Radar Online:
?Those guys at Vivid video must be nuts! Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away… Of course, if I have more kids I may have to ask for $2 million. Seriously, though, my mum didn't bring me up like that. Besides, what will my 14 kids think when they grow up??
We’ll tell you what your kids will think, Nadya Suleman. They’ll think “Hey Octomom, we’re all malnourished and dressed in rags and shit, and it’s all because you didn’t even have the decency to shag eight men in a grubby low-rent porno film when we were babies. I hate you, Octomom. I hate you a LOT.”
Oh well, that’s life. We supposed we’ll just have to go back to watching one porn film about one woman having sex with one man eight times. Boring.
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shooty* says
Denied!
*sob*
magnetite says
Haha! I have yet to see 2 girls 1 cup – and intend to go to my grave in that same blissful state of 2girl1cuplessness. This is why I employ a canary to click on links for me while I remain safe inside a special isolation tank. If it has thrown up when I climb out I don’t bother looking at its internet history.
Anonymous says
Okay, now tell me HOW she is going to afford raising these kids? She already whored herself out to the media, why not do it for cash for a change?
Jessica says
Very well written piece. Very entertaining. sdfksjdk; oops sorry I had to wipe the vomit off my keyboard after picturing someone lifting her belly flab to get at her vagina! UGH!!
Vanessa says
A year to get rid of the fat? Are you freaking kidding me? after 8 kids at once….Maybe with more surgery.
I do not wanna imagine the state of flabby her boobies are in…..
all this is absurd.
MaryAnn says
Everything revolving around these offers is disgusting and degrading to not only Ms Suleman, but to all women. What does it say about our society when we have people out there who actually are ok with the prospect of an obviously desperate woman being put in the position where she feels she has to make the choice between spreading her legs for an XXX movie or feeding her babies. I’m thrilled she said no way! I do however feel she many owe the XXX movie industry a debt of gratitude. There were a lot of people like me that had a negative opinion of her that now feel compassion and pity for her. It really highlights the desperation of her situation. Where I was against it before, I’m now praying that she’ll get a legitimate book or reality TV show offer. I have no doubt she and her children will do just fine without her having to resort to providing perverse entertainment for a bunch of sick perverts.
euclid says
MaryAnn, you are an idiot.
Another three hour tour for you.