So Kevin Federline has finally moved on from Britney Spears – except that he seems to have moved on to Paris Hilton, which isn't so much 'moving on' as 'doing something especially turd-brained'.
Not that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing anything particularly romantic in public, of course – at the moment the pair of them have only set tongues wagging by talking to each other in Las Vegas nightclubs two nights in a row. However, given the difficulty that they both have forming even rudimentary sentences without getting nosebleeds from concentrating too hard, we should obviously take this fact alone as a sign that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are doing it and in love and want to get married right away. Even if none of that is true.
But let's just assume that it is true, because it's January 2 and bugger all else has happened today.
Since splitting up with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline hasn't had an awful amount of luck in the romance department. Not only was he sexually rejected by Lindsay Lohan – literally making him the only man on the planet, living or dead, to have accomplished this – but he hasn't got any bitches pregnant for two years, either. Given his 'one baby a year' policy, this must mean that Kevin Federline's testicles are twitching like Michael Douglas' face at the end of Falling Down. Either Kevin Federline gets someone pregnant soon or there'll be a messy explosion that nobody will want to clean up, even under pain of death.
And since Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton keep getting spotted out and about together, we're starting to worry that all Kevin wants to do is plough Paris' ovaries like some sort of disgusting combine harvester piloted by a cackling gynaecologist. According to reports, heads in Las Vegas are being turned by the near-constant sight of Kevin Federline partying with Paris Hilton. People reports:
On Sunday, the duo partied together for the second night running. Both were in town to host separate New Year's Eve parties – hers at LAX, his at Tangerine – but each name attraction started celebrating early, hitting LAX on Saturday and Pure Nightclub on Sunday. A source close to Federline told PEOPLE that the two hung out in Hilton's room Saturday after leaving the club.
While obviously this alone is no proof that Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline are romantically entangled, we honestly don't have anything better to do than assume they are – and that begs the question of why they're even together.
Remember that any girlfriend Kevin Federline has will effectively act as a part-time mother-figure for Kevin's children Sean Preston and Jayden James, so is Paris Hilton suitable for that? Probably not, since we're sure we saw an episode of The Simple Life once where she accidentally lashed a baby to a warhead and fired it an orphanage. Admittedly that's slightly more responsible that anything that Britney Spears has ever managed, but still.
Perhaps, though, this potential relationship in the making has nothing to do with children and it's all just an epic meeting of minds. After all, they both have things to gain from each other – Kevin gets to strike off one more name from his list of dumb Hollywood blondes that he wants to bone, and Paris knows that the only way to get over the loss of a billion-dollar inheritance is to hook up with a shit-thick redneck. So, even if there is something to this rumour, we can't see Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline lasting.
That is unless Kevin Federline has only attached himself to Paris Hilton to make his music career look comparatively decent. In which case we can only salute the man's stone-cold genius.
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Gilbert Wham says
Their union will trigger the End Times. You mark my words.