All of the sudden daytime talk show hosts love crying all over you. We're unhappy about this because we have a feeling Jerry Springer's acidic tears would stain our pink velveteen night jacket, and Montel Williams might mop his greasy face with our clip-on tie. We found it in a second hand store, but still, we greatly prefer it unsoiled. $2.50 is $2.50, you know what we mean?
It wasn't so long ago Ellen DeGeneres cried on her show because she made her dog sleep with the same vet that plugged up it's spooter-shooter. That exact same remorse is what Oprah Winfrey is now showing for placing loads of African girls square in the lap of an apparent horny child molester. Granted this time the tears weren't on TV, they were from a podium or something, directly in front of the parents of all the girls in her school.
Now the question is will the parents forgive Oprah, or will they feed her to pumas as we've heard is an extremely ancient custom in that part of barbaria. Chances are, we'll never really know without sifting through African puma-poo with poo-sifting implements. They have those, you know. We saw some in Target.
Oprah didn't cry when she got snubbed for the big Cruise wedding, and she didn't even cry when she found out 50 Cent might work her negatively into a song. Either of those instances would cause a regular flesh & blood human being to emotionally collapse in public and mistakenly call a paramedic 'Mother'.
Not Oprah Winfrey though – she didn't cry at all. Some might say the woman has never cried because she is a robot built from scrap toaster parts and possibly one of those automatic robot-vacuums. Some might even say she doesn't cry because she had her tear ducts removed from her eyes and surgically placed into her urethra over a decade ago. Tear Duct/Urethra hybridization was a weird Hollywood trend back then. It was based on the assumption that nobody would think you were weak if it looked like you only cried out of you anus. That's just what we heard.
Anyway, the people making those non-crying assumptions about Oprah would all be dead wrong, because Oprah did cry recently – and out of at least one eye too. You see, she started a charity girls school of sorts in the poor, piss-riddled country of South Africa, which we think is to the west of regular-Africa. Our map is really old.
One of the 'dorm parents' at Oprah's school has been accused of sexually fondling at least one girl, and physically abusing other girls by grabbing their necks and bashing some of them into walls. Oprah went back to that country to apologize in person:
"I've disappointed you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
The school's principle is said to have known about the abuse, but failed to act. Winfrey said of her:
"I trusted her. When I appointed her, I thought she was passionate about the children of Africa. But I've been disappointed."
Now that we've written the sad facts of the Winfrey abuse case, we feel sullen and glum.
Child abuse is a real wet blanket. We should all totally stop it.
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Blake says
All I have to say to is Oprah, get your head out of your Va-jay-jay!
mase says
Thats crap, there are no pumas here and we certainly dont feed ppl to animals u morons. stop being so ignorant and bitter. South Africa is vey first world country in a mostly third world continent of AFRICA.
Adam Gade says
Ahh, mase. You’re my target for the day. While the “nth world” ranking system is a little outdated and moot, South Africa is a firm 2nd world country. The US and Britain are examples of 1st world. But the most important point is that you completely pooched seeing the humor; even if you’ve never been in a Target, that’s no excuse for poor sense of humor.