You don't get to be as street as 50 Cent by accident, you know. It takes real dedication to the cause of having a six-pack and mumbling monotonously about going down the sweet shop to get where 50 Cent is, not watching daytime TV.
OK, so that's a lie. 50 Cent loves daytime TV. He can't get enough of it, especially the episodes of Martha where Martha Stewart teaches the viewer how to assemble a car safety kit properly. Just because he's a gangsta doesn't mean that 50 Cent can go without a sensibly maintained car safety kit. But even though 50 Cent loves daytime TV more than words can say, there are some things about daytime TV that 50 Cent just can't abide. Like Oprah Winfrey. 50 Cent bloody well can't stand Oprah Winfrey, and he wants to tell the world about it.
On his kitchen wall, we expect that 50 Cent has two lists; the 50 Cent Likes list and the 50 Cent Doesn't Like list. What with all the hip-hop beefs that keep kicking off, it's best for a gangsta like 50 Cent to maintain notes of who he's supposed to not like at any given moment. Right now, the 50 Cent Likes list is a bit empty, only really containing 'starring in rubbish 8 Mile rip-offs,' 'waving guns at children' and 'Michael Jackson' – although that one's been crossed out and rewritten a few times. But the 50 Cent Doesn't Like list is much more healthy. That includes 'fat children' and 'Kanye West' and 'Canada' and – so brand new that the ink is still wet – 'Oprah Winfrey.'
Oprah Winfrey? How could anyone, let alone 50 Cent, possibly dislike Oprah Winfrey? Surely when it comes to non-lesbian talkshow hosts with their own dedicated radio stations who excel at enabling celebrities to blame the media about crappy adoptions or blame the media for reporting false break-ups that neatly coincide with the DVD release of a film they're in entitled The Break-Up, then Oprah Winfrey is queen bee, right?
50 Cent certainly doesn't think so – he's angry at the way that Oprah Winfrey doesn't really act like a black lady and he's going to hold his breath until she does something at least vaguely African-American for once, as he tells Elle Magazine:
"She started out with black women's views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she's become one herself. I think the idea of being publicly noted as a billionaire makes black women interested in seeing her views. But it's even more exciting to the demographic of white American women she's been aiming at to see that she has the exact same views that they have."
Never one to knowing offend another human being, Oprah Winfrey is getting all over this complaint by 50 Cent immediately. However, it's been so long since billionaire Oprah Winfrey has had to think of herself as a human – let alone a black one – that she's started to research just what it is that a modern black woman wants from life. Sadly, though, Oprah Winfrey is now so out-of-touch that she's been using a handful of 60-year-old Tom And Jerry cartoons as a guideline and, as a result, will present next week's shows standing on top of a kitchen stool while a mouse runs around and she screams "Thomas! THOMAS!" for an hour.
But on the off-chance that this isn't what 50 Cent was referring to, can we suggest that Oprah Winfrey and 50 Cent resolve this matter with a good old-fashioned rap battle. It's thought that Oprah Winfrey is keen on this idea and will participate just as soon as she's thought of something that rhymes with "Everybody gets a charity debit card."
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harley says
omg you are sooooooo fucking hot i want you sooooo bad
sloan says
yeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!