Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.
He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.
Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.
How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.
But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.
It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:
Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene ? it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.
You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.
Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.
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Sunny says
I adore the smell of a pork chop that
just me says
stuart! now it’s official: U ARE AN IDIOT!
jeenie says
you lot ar sly on him!! he is a fitty and you peeps just wanna look solid/hard!!! leave him alone is his life and you can’t tell him how to live it !!!!!!!!!