Who?s the most dangerous celebrity? Which fiend of myth wields the most power?
Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Whatever? She's only beaten up one toilet attendant, and that's nothing for a Northern Girl, Cheryl Weedy more like. Russell Crowe? Well, there's his terrible band with the terrible name and he can throw a mean phone, but that's nothing new. Just ask Naomi Campbell.
No, it's none of these monsters of legend – it's Oprah. Oprah has just won the title of ?officially the most powerful celebrity it the world?. And she won it with an elbow takedown in the fifth round, apparently.
Songs will be written about her, and her legend will live down the ages in poetry and music.? According to legend, she has hands of pure stone with which to smash your stupid face, her thighs are made of the finest brass that resound with a mighty bass ringing when she walks, her nose opens and fires out heat-seeking missiles (as did Michael Jackson?s, he just filled it with a sleeping-gas delivery system and ended up overusing it. Now you know). Frankly, Oprah could probably kill you with just her hair.
Just think, this time last year we were living under the yoke of Angelina Jolie and her multi-ethnic army of children, idyllic times. However, it seems as though the house of Jolie has waned with the lack of fresh orphan blood, and the house of Oprah has risen like a lardy hawk and she has waged much war to take the jewelled crown in what was undoubtedly an awe-inspiring and bloody conflict. The BBC reports from the battlefield:
US TV host Oprah Winfrey has been named the most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. Winfrey knocked film star Angelina Jolie off the top spot of Forbes’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which is based on earnings and media exposure.
Oh, so it's just some poxy back-slapping exercise where net worth is considered in terms of how much you can bang on about your weight-gain on your network chat show, and not about the ease at which you could crush a solid ice sculpture of a lighthouse in your mighty fist? Well, that's much less exciting.
You know what they should do? Stick ?em all on a remote island and let them scrap it out, Battle Royale style. I mean just look at the Top Ten, surely Oprah wouldn't stand a chance? Let's run down:
10. Madonna – Well, she is quite wirey, but one good punch would probably split her parchmenty, aged skin. Oprah?s got the stones to take that. Lose.
9. Johnny Depp – He's basically a very effeminate girl. Lose.
8. Sandra Bullock ? Good for bluffing her attacks, what with her not being about to move her skin about at all, but then again there's probably a loss of motor function that comes with that. Lose.
7. U2 ? it's four on one, but Bono will probably sack off the fight to fight climate change in his private jet or something, and no one is really sure the other three actually exist and aren't just holographic leftovers from the Zoo TV tour. Lose.
6. Britney ? Where do you start? Lose.
5. Tiger Woods ? Not unless he knobbed her to death (which is quite possible, granted). Lose.
4. Lada Gaga ? Are you kidding? She can't even stand upright. Lose.
3. James Cameron ? Frail, elderly man who looks like a creepy lesbian aunt? Oprah literally eats people like that for breakfast. Lose.
2. Beyonce ? Apart from the arse, a light snack for the beast that it Oprah. Lose.
Huh, looks like Oprah is the most powerful celebrity in the world, well done Forbes. Let's hope the reign is a benevolent one. All hail Oprah!
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter