Take that Jamie Lynn Spears – you might think you've got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you've starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you're pregnant.
In other words, come back when you're Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub – or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium – Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone's knocked her up. And not just anyone, either – Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper's baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again – because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is.
There are usually three ways than an American Idol contestant's career can go. Either they become famous for their talent like Kelly Clarkson or Jennifer Hudson, they become famous for being the stupidest arsehole ever to walk the earth like Kellie Pickler or they disappear into nothingness like, well, like the rest of them.
So let's give a big hand to Jessica Sierra, who has forged a brand-new post-American Idol career for herself. And Jessica Sierra's is an easy enough career-path for any of us to follow, too – you just need to throw a cocktail glass at a man's head with cocaine in your possession and then violate the terms of your probation from that by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub, resisting arrest, puking in a police car, screaming insults at your arresting officers based on their racial and sexual orientation and then offering to suck them off in return for them letting you go. Oh, and star in a grubby internet sex tape – Jessica Sierra did that too.
While that would be enough to send most people into some sort of spiralling meltdown, Jessica Sierra obviously thought she could do better than that – so she's gone and got herself pregnant, too.
That's what's been claimed, anyway. Reports are suggesting that Jessica Sierra – currently banged up in Falkenburg Road Jail in Tampa, Florida – has somehow got pregnant with a baby fathered by a rapper. What sort of rapper, we don't know. And thanks to this pregnancy, Jessica Sierra has been placed on a 'pregnancy diet' whatever that means. Still, it's important that Jessica Sierra keeps her strength up, because she'll be offering sexual favours to authority figures in return for leniency for two from now on.
That's if Jessica Sierra is pregnant, after all. If she's convicted of all her charges, Jessica Sierra will spend more than 11 years in jail, and there's nothing like a pregnancy to make judges go easy on a girl. It's a trick that Nicole Richie invented earlier this year and that Foxy Brown hamfistedly followed, so Jessica Sierra might just be following the proud tradition of women using unborn babies as bargaining chips in the justice system.
And if it works, Jessica Sierra could even be out of jail by December 30, which is when her sex tape will finally be released. The distributors are promising that the Jessica Sierra sex tape is the most explicit celebrity sex tape ever, which sounds good except that a) Jessica Sierra isn't really a celebrity and b) it can be as explicit as you like, but if it's Jessica Sierra doing it we'd still probably prefer to pour red-hot sugar syrup into our eyes rather than watch it.
Read more:
'American Idol' Finalist Jessica Sierra Reportedly Pregnant – MTV
TEE says
i remember her from american idol, she was a blonde, and she was a little bigger, and she had a nice voice. well as u can tell from the mug shot all has changed
Question... says
Why would anyone report someone having been knocked up by a “rapper” if they don’t know who the “rapper” is? Is her pregnancy supposed to say something about rap music?
“Careful! Rap music gets you coke addicted and pregnant!”
When was the last time I read someone was knocked up by a “rocker”? And what would be the relevance?