Hospitals are a holy sanctuary. It is within their walls that all of mankind goes to find healing, and also to have large misshapen moles removed.
Moles like the one our Uncle Albert had on his lip through most of the seventies. That thing was so big we always just thought he was in a mixed race marriage. Man, we really hated his wife for never paying us any mind – and yet it makes perfect sense now. Today, though, today we're older. We're smarter, we're wiser, and we have a well-laminated associates to prove it.
And as we sit here staring at that degree hanging on the door of our mini-fridge, it brings us back to thoughts of hospitals – and how one recently made up a bed for Mary-Kate Olsen to recuperate in. Her insides are rotting you see, they are rotting and all the money in the world can't save her.
Except the money her health insurance probably paid to the hospital. That money actually helped her quite a bit.
The other day Mary-Kate Olsen was walking down the street when some of her back-skin gave way and two livers and a lung slipped out from under her belly shirt, splattering all over a dirty sidewalk. She's dying, you see, ever-so slowly. Medical technicians estimate that within the next 80 years her time will be up, and her sister will finally have some alone time with Lance Armstrong and/or his bare bones skeleton.
Her dying wish will likely be that she had never abandoned her dear sweet sister, and that maybe she hadn't been so afraid to eat people-food. That or maybe she'll just wish she hadn't had to spend an hour or two in a hospital way back in 2007 because she got an infected kidney. That's right – her kidney was flaring up or something. According to E! News:
The 21-year-old actress is suffering from a kidney infection and has been hospitalised in New York, her rep confirmed to E! News Tuesday. But the prognosis is good. Olsen, who was admitted to the emergency room Monday, is "resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so."
How exactly Mary-Kate Olsen's kidney got infected is impossible to know because those particular organs move around so much it's impossible to open somebody up in the exact right spot. Let us then postulate they probably got infected by the worms we heard live in there. Everybody that worked on the set of Full House had worms. They got them one day when Comet exploded in the green room.
We know a guy whose father worked with the fellow who used to be in charge of set lighting. According to that guy – there were entrails.