Mary Kate Professionally Divorces Ashley (Kind Of)

Thus far hecklerspray has legally emancipated itself from three different sets of parents. We had to though - the first ones always touched our elbows when they'd talk to us. Another set made us take all our meals at a separate, lower table, and the last pair acted happy when we gave them the macaroni necklace, but then we saw an eye roll. We were like 'C'mon! That necklace was our senior thesis!'

The point is - if your family's not working out - ditch those scumbags in legally binding ways. Or just get a job where they're not. Mary Kate Olsen just did. She totally dog-ditched her sister Ashley for a TV show about unwanted lawn growth. MK's new-found independence is quite a shock to a world still watching and re-watching the girl's 200 movies wherein they successfully find their father a new legally bound permanent humping-partner - that's how the French say 'wife.' They're a very callous peoples - very callous and very crude and we disapprove of them all.

They got it from Napoleon, who we're told lost his respect for marriage when he honeymooned with an electric lamp. Exact details are not available to us at this time.

Mary Kate Olsen is sick and tired of only being half of #3 on the Hollywood rich list - so she went and got a job. She'll be playing a significant role on Showtime's Weeds, a programme about a pot-selling soccer mom or something. The general plot sounds just like Olsen's first gig on Full House, except Danny Tanner will menstruate, and this cast will stick to pot instead of jumping straight to the hard stuff.

Olsen seems pleased with her new part. Here's a quote:

"I'm thrilled to be a part of the show. It's really an honor to be a part of such a talented group of actors and writers."

In related news, *Ashley is also getting a solo-gig. She's reportedly been hired by the San Diego Zoo to crawl into the bellies of larger display animals to personally throttle their tummy worms. Doing so will ensure each animal will receive 52% more nourishment from every meal, thus enabling the growth of a thicker, lusher coat of fur. She'll be equipped only with a miner's hat and choking gloves.

Choking gloves are basically driving gloves, but they look more appropriate against blue-ish skin.

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Mary-Kate Olsen Steps Out Solo As "Weeds" Regular - Reuters

*This is strictly assumption based.