Heidi Montag isn’t just a plastic surgery obsessive who won’t rest until she’s a giant, featureless, undulating glob of flesh.
She’s also… um, hang on… she’s… oh, apparently she’s a singer now, too. Until now, Heidi Montag’s claim to fame was that she was a star of The Hills which – if you’re counting – is sandwiched between ‘murdering prostitutes’ and ‘soiling yourself in front of the pope’ on the scale of worthwhile claims to fame.
But now Heidi Montag has decided to become a singer, and has just released Superficial – an album that cost $2 million to make and is, in Heidi’s opinion, as good as Thriller. Want to discover what Superficial sounds like? Then you’re a dreadful human being and you don’t deserve the ears you were born with. Also, it’s after the jump.
Say what you like about Heidi Montag but, in all sincerity, you will never find another human being who wants to be a pop star as much as she does. The work she’s put into just reaching this point is legitimately phenomenal. She’s shrugged off criticism of her first musical forays, made her live debut in front of tens of millions of people and has even cosmetically altered her body in every way imaginable just to stand a better chance of making it as a pop star.
There, we said it. Heidi Montag has got it all – she’s hard-working, she’s utterly lacking in self awareness and she’s got some genuinely worrying body issues. That’s all the boxes ticked. What else do you need to become a pop star? What? A molecule of talent? Oh. Well, OK, that’s almost all the boxes ticked. We can paper over the talent thing, surely. And, come to think of it, the seeming like a nice person thing.
We’ll have to, because Heidi Montag has just released her first album, entitled Superficial – which is clearly as close to playing with the public perception of her as she can get without calling it That Awful Skinny Woman With The Wanker For A Husband. Heidi has already spoken about Superficial, saying that it’s as good as Thriller and that it doesn’t matter that she spent $2 million of her own money on it because:
“I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back. The songs will make an impact in pop history.”
But what does Superficial by Heidi Montag sound like? Well, the MTV Buzzworthy blog is currently letting you hear her songs Fanatic, Hey Boy, I’ll Do It, Turn Ya Head, Twisted and Superficial online. But maybe you’re busy people. Or maybe you just don’t want to subject yourselves to anything Heidi Montag does first-hand. So if that’s the case, here’s a brief run-down of the songs from Heidi Montag’s Superficial:
Fanatic – Heidi Montag’s meditation on Islamic extremism. Contains the word ‘paparazzi’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition.
Hey Boy – Heidi Montag’s meditation on the unspoken gender divide in the entertainment industry. Contains the word ‘bitch’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition
I’ll Do It – Heidi Montag’s meditation on the corrupting power of fame. Contains the phrase ‘I’ll do it’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition
Turn Ya Head – Part one of Heidi Montag’s epic meditation on the art of osteopathy. Contains the word ‘bitch’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition
Twisted – Part two of Heidi Montag’s epic meditation on the art of osteopathy. Rhymes ‘twisted’ with ‘gifted’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition
Superficial – Heidi Montag’s devastating rebuttal to those who believe that there isn’t much to her. Contains the word ‘bitch’ and features vocals that have been Autotuned beyond all recognition
You’re welcome, world. No, really.
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Eugene says
Some years ago when Paris Hilton had a top 20 single, some people took it as proof that with modern studio technology, anyone could have a hit if they threw enough money at it.
Heidi is conducting an expensive experiment to see if that’s true.