Heidi Montag has an addiction. However, you’ll be surprised to discover that it isn’t the addiction you expected.
Heidi isn’t addicted to fame. Heidi isn’t addicted to working in areas that she very obviously isn’t cut out for. Heidi isn’t even addicted to men who grow beards that make them look like Ebola sufferers. No, Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery. And all the other things we just mentioned. But plastic surgery’s the one we’ll be looking at today.
According to reports, Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery addiction is so out of control that she recently underwent ten procedures in a single day. And they worked, too. Now people no longer refer to Heidi as ‘that idiot out of The Hills‘ – they call her ‘that idiot who looks like a distressed shop mannequin as designed by a horny 14-year-old boy with a severe nervous tic’. It’s an improvement.
Quickly – how would you improve Heidi Montag? By throwing her husband into the boot of your car, driving out into the desert and leaving him there? By strapping her down and forcing her to endure a nightmarish Clockwork Orange-style visual brainwashing in front of a giant screen that simply reads ‘Don’t be such an arsehole’? By making it illegal for her to release pop songs? By submitting her to a powerful electric shock every time she uses the word ‘me’?
All good ideas, obviously, but the answer we were looking for was ‘a nose job revision, a mini brow lift, bigger breast implants and buttock augmentation’. Because that’s how Heidi Montag thinks that she can improve herself. Because, you see, Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery. And she said as much on the front cover of this week’s People magazine. CNN reports:
The reality star is the subject of a People cover story about her new plastic surgery “obsession.” Montag revealed to the magazine that she recently underwent 10 hours of cosmetic surgery, including a nose job revision, a mini brow lift, bigger breast implants and buttock augmentation. “For the past three years I’ve thought about what to have done,” Montag said. “I am absolutely beyond obsessed.”
Clearly it’s important to remember that Heidi Montag said this from the front cover of People magazine, and you sort of get the feeling that she’d be just as eager to proclaim an addiction to heroin or bestiality if it meant getting on the cover of People, but the obsession does seem legitimate. In addition to the brow-life and breast implants, it’s thought that Heidi also went through other procedures, including ankle lengthening, pube crimping, giblet realignment, hoof implants and something called ‘glitter-spine’.
Hopefully all this surgery has made Heidi Montag happier, but we can’t help feeling that she’s missed a trick here. After all, it doesn’t make sense that someone as fame-hungry as her would have all this work done to her privately. It should have been turned into a documentary. Or, better yet, a reality show called Improve Heidi Montag where viewers got to text in the plastic surgery operations that they wanted to see Heidi undertake.
True, the level of antipathy towards Heidi Montag is so great that she’d inevitably come out of it with rhino horns, 52 buttocks, a blow-hole and a full-size 18th century maritime sail where her neck used to be, but at least she’d be on TV. That seems like it’d be the most important thing for her.