Miss Universe is known for its quest for perfectionism, which is why the entire universe is allowed to enter.
And this year, it did it. Miss Universe 2009 was perfect. Not because, for once, the winner probably won’t fall off the rails and end up topless in a bar exchanging grubby sexual favours for free drinks, but because of its tentpole musical number, a performance of Body Language by Heidi Montag from The Hills.
And Heidi Montag loved her Miss Universe performance. Which is just as well, really, because everyone else thought it was a big pile of monkey balls.
Miss Universe is a showcase for the pinnacle of human beauty, inside and out. Not only do the contestants represent the very peak of physical attractiveness, but their kindness and dedication to charity makes them the distant target for all of mankind to hopelessly aspire to. And the winner of Miss Universe 2009, Stefania Fernandez, is a prime example of that. Her place next to Jesus at the top spot of heaven is all but assured, because she is compassionate and has perky tits.
However, the thing about perfectionism is that it’s boring. Which is why, instead of focusing on the dazzling array of breathtaking deities who actually took part in Miss Universe on Sunday, everyone would rather talk about Heidi Montag, who sort of came on in the middle, made a noise like a bucket of cats being hurled into a cement mixer and frantically waggled her vagina around like it was on fire. Look…
It seems to be a habit of Heidi Montag’s, to not do the thing that everyone expects her to do. Like her naked Playboy shoot, for example, which turned out to be the least naked thing in all of history. And now this – a musical performance that didn’t really fit the confines of the term ‘musical’ and can only be called a performance if you imagine that it’s a piece of avant garde performance art about a transvestite Britney Spears impersonator being attacked by an invisible swarm of wasps.
But still, despite all the mixed reviews that she received, at least Heidi Montag was pleased with how it went. MTV reports:
Afterward, she took to Twitter to talk about the performance. Backup dancers flanked Montag as she danced and lip-synched to the first single off her self-titled album (due September 29). “Last night was one of the best nights of my life!!!!” she wrote. “I had so much fun! my first performance! thank you God!”
Now, OK, Heidi Montag may have genuinely enjoyed her performance in a truly sincere way, but let’s try and leave God out of this, can we? After all, he hardly needs any encouragement. We’re pretty sure that the last time anyone thanked him for something this awful, his encore involved turning the sea into blood.
Sunny says
Well let’s hope that He won’t send a locust invasion following that hideous performance being tied to His name. I’d be tempted.
bob says
NBC gave the best comment of all by editing out about half of the live performance. Based on what was allowed to air, one is left to wonder — just how bad were the parts that we didn’t see?!