Most people still don’t know who the heck Keith Urban is let along care if he once had a drinking problem. Won’t stop us writing about him though.
Keith Urban is not Karl Urban. Karl Urban is an actor. He is soon to be starring in a new action movie called Run directed by Die Hard’s John McTiernan. He is not related to any other famous Urban and, as far as we are blissfully aware, does not sing. Which immediately puts us in mind of Keith Urban, the singer. Confused? No, of course not. You just don’t care.
Once upon a time, Keith Urban regularly ingested more booze than Oliver Reed at Christmas. He was a big ole’ nasty drunk and often vomited on his own shoes. Now he is married to Nicole Kidman and only needs to vomit when she removes her make-up. Though with her wicked sense of humour, he is assured of some fun nights in their twilight years: Nicole hiding his inhaler, Nicole loosening the screws on the banister – we’ll tell you what we mean…
Nicole Kidman, ray of emaciated light that she is, thought it would be a great laugh to give Aussie airline Qantas the heads-up on husband Keith and his boozy past – a past that includes going to rehab, trying to break out of rehab, banging on about rehab and getting a bit pissy about people with the same name as him. What did they do (or what did she suggest they do, we dunno), they gave nice Mr Urban a bottle of wine the very moment he boarded their plane. He was on his way out to a concert in Adelaide at the time, so he did have a valid reason for being on board. He also had a valid reason to smash someone over the head with the bottle in our book. No such luck, we’re afraid. Chirpy Keith responded to the incident thus:
“I knew I was back in South Australia when the host came up to me, smiled, gave me a bottle of red wine and said welcome back to Adelaide, Mr Urban…so I drank it!”
We assume this sort of dry humour befits those used to sucking the life out of their body with a bottle of JD or some leftover aftershave.
Such a comment is especially worrying when Keith Urban’s manager later remarked that:
“He didn't drink it at all.”
Presumably three-quarters of the bottle was enough to get him singing Agadoo in his underpants, before headbutting Nicole and passing out in a puddle of his own piss in the cockpit.
Christ alone knows what happened to the poor stewardess who announced, “Welcome to Australia, Karl. We loved you in Lord of the Rings” when he woke up.
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Matthew says
This is such a fucking laime but amusing article. Yet you have no right in this fucking world to publish that junk on a shitty webstie – those comments you said about Keith Urban were quite insulting–not just Keith Urban but there maybe some chaps watching this crappy article who have had a past drinking problem or is present with one.
I think he has a God damn right to sue that amazing jerk for using his exact name–but hey, KU will actually be a ARTIST. So this mystery unisex plasted Keith Urban’s name on a fucking website for oil paintings, big fucking deal. Relating to that, we don’t need faggots like you bitching at someone who actually GOT HELP for a deadly (well, becoming) problem–atleast he went to rehab, better then not going at all.
After focusing “hours and hours” on your articles, I realized, they are immature. Maybe I like you’re style, but the immaturity does not satisfy me; I’m sure other “mature” adults will gather a old-fashioned line behind me that agree to this statement.
I don’t see where you’re gaining any point here–he was a druggie and a alchy.. From screwing up Nicole’s make up to dancing in underwear.. what?
I’ll give you some credit–one, it was a little bit amusing. Second, it had some facts and fiction involved. Thirdly, it had Karl Urban in it..
G’day, mate..
P.S. I would just “love” to hear back from you, mate!
Matt– the fucking best of all time…
Brisbane, AU
PG0738
[email protected]
KEITHURBANnLuver4EVER says
DUDE!! GO DIE UNDER A ROCK!!!! U FATASS JERK!!!!!!MY GOD WAT THE HELL DID KEITH EVER DO TO YOUR FATASS???? HE IS THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!! NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS, TRY WRITING ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOURSELF! CAUSE THIS ISNT’ ABOUT KEITH ITS REALLY AOBUT U!
Stabby McGee says
Sensing a little hostility toward my big-boned brothers and sisters in the above comment. Ooh, and big surprise that we find a homophobic country and western fan wading into the fray.
KEITHURBANnLuver4EVER says
wat ever
ok he is my favorite singer and as a loyal fan i stand up to big fat ass jerks like this
Mary says
I think keith urban is a great singer and is very great preformer.
I thinkhe is the best guitar player in country music.
ihope he comes back to ohio hopely cleveland ohio ,I w[sh keith and Nicholall the happines for all their lifes.
ANNON says
Even with the invention of the interweb (which WAS a british invention despite how many yanks insist otherwise) it would seem that those from the great US of A have still not found a sense of humor… maybe they would be best suited to reading the purile articles on Onion.com
jane says
Keith has it going on. That’s why these so called “journalists” are writing about him. They’re SO jealous. It’s fun to let watch them make utter fools of themselves trying to cut down someone else to build their own sagging sense of self-worth. Do yourself a favor and get off the web. Oh, and have your doctor up those medications for ya while you’re at it.
NOT BUYING IT IN NASHVILLE says
I thought it was funny.
And I bet anything he drank the whole fucking thing.