There must be dozens of young girls who want the Keira Knightley lifestyle – hanging out with Johnny Depp, making other horrible non-Depp films, being skinny enough to pick locks from the inside – but Keira Knightley isn't one of them.
Keira Knightley, you see, has a new film coming out soon called Atonement, and Keira's decided to promote it in her own inimitable way, which basically involves bitching endlessly about how rubbish it is to be famous. And, worse, how rubbish it is to be quite attractive to people who find alarming rib-jut attractive. And Keira Knightley is no hypocrite, either – so to prove how much she hates being famous and pretty, we're expecting an imminent announcement about how Keira Knightley is going to give up acting immediately to work down the mines where, along with her long shifts of gruelling labour, she also plans to smash her own face up with some coal.
Keira Knightley has had enough. Ever since she became a multimillionaire actress with highly lucrative modelling contracts coming out of her arse, people have outrageously been following Keira Knightley around and it makes her sick. Not only are pictures of Keira Knightley often found in newspapers and celebrity magazines, but she also recently discovered that someone had secretly recorded seven hours of her twatting around like an annoying pirate woman with a man who has a squid for a face and sold it to cinemas. The shame!
This is why Keira Knightley has gone on the attack. Call Keira Knightley skinny and she'll sue you, even though she admits that she's quite skinny herself. And don't get Keira Knightley started on fame, either – although she was voted the greatest Hollywood starlet ever, presumably by a gang of dribbling inbreds who'd never heard the word 'starlet' before and were asked while a documentary about Pirates Of The Caribbean was on TV, Keira Knightley hates fame so much that she recently vowed to give up acting.
However, possibly because she's discovered that working in Poundstretcher doesn't pay millions of pounds or jet you off to exotic locations or involve a team of fawning sycophants constantly telling you how important you are, Keira Knightley still hasn't given up acting. In fact, Keira Knightley has a new movie out soon called Atonement. You may have seen trailers for it – it's the one where Keira Knightley locates a cut-class accent so aggravatingly high-pitched that the elderly instantly lose their balance and fall to the floor when they hear it. Anyway, Keira Knightley has been promoting Atonement by, you guessed it, whining about fame. BBC News reports:
Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley has advised young people seeking fame and fortune to "go and work on the stock market". "It frightens me when kids go, 'I want to be famous,'" the 22-year-old told the Radio Times. "Why? Because you can get into a restaurant? You know what? If you book, you can get into a restaurant!"… Speaking to the Radio Times, she again attacked the media's obsession with her looks. "Okay, I'm on the cover of a magazine but somebody else does the hair, and the make-up, and airbrushes me. "It's not me, it's something other people have created."
But what everyone wants to know is this: if Keira Knightley hates being famous so much, then why does she keep making films? It can't be for the art – we've seen Domino, which instantly destroys that argument – so we're guessing that it must be for the truckloads of cash and jetset lifestyle. And surely it's worth being on page 12 of Heat magazine every now again if it means you never really have to have a proper job. But, hey, let's not forget that acting and being famous are two completely different things, so let's respect Keira Knightley's decision to make films without being attention seeking. After all, you can hardly call bitching about your job in a widely-read magazine 'attention seeking', can you? Or making a lesbian sex film with Sienna Miller. Or being photographed naked with Scarlett Johansson on the cover of an even more widely-read magazine.
Flawless argument, really.
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