Let’s assume that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dying. In which case, let us introduce you to its ghoulish death-rattle.

You Ask, Kate Answers. That’s right – next week’s scheduled episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being replaced by a special episode where Kate Gosselin will answer questions submitted by the show’s viewers.

Questions that we can only assume will include “Why won’t you make it stop?”, “My TV seems to be stuck on TLC and it’s giving me a migraine – how can I change it to a channel that isn’t so annoying?” and “WHY WON’T YOU MAKE IT STOP??”

Nobody seems to know what’s going on with Jon & Kate Plus 8 at the moment. One minute Kate’s in and Jon’s out, then both Kate and Jon are out, then Jon’s being sued because he’s being more out than anyone wanted him to be, then there’s talk of seamlessly replacing both Jon and Kate with two equally-qualified parent figures like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and a tatty shop mannequin that’s had angry eyebrows drawn on it in permanent marker. We may have made that last one up. At this point it’s hard to say one way or the other with any degree of accuracy.

However, amidst all this uncertainty there is at least one absolute fact regarding Jon & Kate Plus 8 that can’t be denied – those kids are going to be awfully messed up one day. Oh, and also that next week’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been scrapped so that Kate Gosselin can answer some viewer questions on-air. According to an official TLC statement:

As Kate takes on tough audience questions, she relives memories of the show and gives honest answers, but will Kate be shocked by some of the things the audience wants to know? Will she ever get married again? Where does Kate see kids in 10 years? Do you wear heels all the time? Do the kids know they’re famous? How is it handling school homework with eight kids?

Do you wear heels all the time. Do you wear heels all the time. That’s the most pressing question that anyone could think to ask Kate Gosselin. Not “How do you sleep at night?” or “What happened to your dignity?” or “What in heaven’s name is going on with your hair?” No. Do you wear heels all the time. We despair, we really do.

Still, we suppose we should try to be positive about this – at least the You Ask, Kate Answers episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 isn’t a You Ask, Jon Answers episode. Imagine if that happened and the first question was “How do you spell your own name?” He’d spend 20 minutes trying to work it out on his fingers, then he’d start frustratedly punching himself in the head and bawling “Me not know how spell name! Me sorry!” at the camera before unzipping his trousers and trying to hump it senseless.

Actually, on second thoughts, that sounds quite good. We’d watch it.

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