As normal humans, we often find ourselves waking up in a cold sweat worrying about Jessica Simpson’s love life.
Is she single? Is she happy? Do the answers to either of those two questions in any way indicate the onset of more binge-eating? Because then she’d have to get thin again and make another one of those terrible TV shows about how awful it is to occasionally be slightly fatter than normal, and that’d just be unbearable. So a happy Jessica Simpson equals a happy us.
The good news, then, is that Jessica Simpson has got a new boyfriend who used to play football just like her old boyfriend did. But is she happy? Hard to say. She is still Jessica Simpson, after all.
Jessica Simpson will never be single for very long. It doesn’t matter what she does. She could be photographed burning a sackful of puppies tomorrow. She could be arrested for murdering the queen. As it is she barely brushes her teeth. But none of it matters. Jessica Simpson will always find a boyfriend because John Mayer said that she’s ‘sexual napalm’.
And her new boyfriend, who absolutely loves Jessica for her intellect and charm and definitely not because a girly-voiced singer told a porno mag how awesome she was at having sex, is former American footballer Eric Johnson, who no doubt spends his free time regaling his friends with stories about her kindness and honesty and definitely not any graphic descriptions of all the mind-bendingly perverse things she gets up to in the sack. E! Online reports:
The singer and Price of Beauty star has reportedly been dating former San Francisco 49ers tight end Eric Johnson since May, according to People. “She is happy that she found a great guy,” a source told the mag. “She’s really happy”.
Of course, it’s Billy Corgan who we feel most sorry for. This union between Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson means that his time banging tanned, blonde, big-boobed sex maniacs is now a thing of the past. It’s back to banging the sort of miserable, long-sleeved, panda-eyed, listless emo crybabies who traditionally don’t find his gnarled appearance nightmarish and repulsive from now on. Let’s hope he remembers not to stray too far from home again.
But still, we hope that Eric Johnson makes Jessica Simpson very happy. And keeps her very thin. Seriously, her TV show was awful.
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Wow... says
Mr. Heritage, I have a feeling you make more money than a 14 year old paper boy writing these shitty articles flaming celebrities that have done more with their lives in about half the time it took you to wake up and realize that this website was the only career you’d ever have.
I hope your mothers grilled cheese sandwiches taste good after a long day of writing nonsense nobody reads and itching your balls to the site of your 3 comments on most of your articles