Fed up with making underwhelming movies and songs, Jessica Simpson has apparently decided to go to Kuwait and gee up the troops there.
We know what you're thinking. Haven't those poor soldiers already suffered enough without Jessica Simpson turning up to bawl bad music at them?
But that's unfair. Maybe Jessica Simpson is only going to Kuwait to perform a concert for the still-green new recruits alone. This is a time of war, remember, and if an inane bimbette warbling flaccid MOR pop songs is what'll break those kids' spirits for good and transform them into the kind of dead-eyed murder machines that the government requires them to be, then that's what needs to be done.
Remember when Jessica Simpson had it all? Obviously by 'all' we mean 'a sham marriage and a cack-brained reality TV show on a cable music channel' – but remember when Jessica Simpson had that, anyway? It was a long-forgotten past the likes of which Jessica Simpson will never see again.
Now all that Jessica Simpson has is an embarrassingly underperforming movie career, an alarmingly wayward singing voice, a boyfriend with a name like an unimpressive chain of rib-based restaurants and a fitness DVD that's got her sued. Things are so bad that Jessica Simpson can only turn things around in one of two ways – she can either take off all her clothes or become the forces' sweetheart.
And although the former is thunderingly inevitable, it looks like the latter is what Jessica Simpson will concern herself for the time being. Probably. And if she does, it's a secret, so shhh. E! Online reports:
The buxom blonde purportedly posted the following on fansite Sweetkisses.net: "I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio." … But by this afternoon, any mention of an overseas journey had been deleted and this was left in its place: "Hey ya'll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can't wait to share it will all of you. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess."
Two things. First, xoxo back Jess, lol!!!1! And secondly, is Jessica Simpson going to Kuwait or not? While we understand that Jessica Simpson wants to protect her privacy on such a potentially dangerous journey in case the entire Iraqi insurgency – big readers of Sweetkisses.net, the lot of them – flood into Kuwait to try and get Jessica to sign their Employee Of The Month DVDs, we still have a right to know if this performance is going ahead.
Because the price of oil is bound to up once all the Kuwaiti oil well workers have deafened themselves with knitting needles in advance of the visit, you see, and we want to stockpile.
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mst3kster says
Too bad she’s not going over there to be a suicide bomber for our side.
Stabby McGee says
LOL! Agreed.