Jessica Simpson Sued for Hurting Millions of Fatties

Jessica Simpson Fitness Video Sued Hurt Fat FattiesDid you wake up this morning feeling hurt? If you did then you’re probably fat.  

Hey, don’t throw that half-eaten Twinkie at us – those things hurt when they’re stale – it’s Jessica Simpson that’s to blame. She’s hurting fat people everywhere. Millions of them, in fact. At least, that’s what the company that is suing her over an unreleased fitness video is saying. The good news for hurt fat people is that you can stop blaming your slow metabolism, glandular problem, or your genetics and start blaming Jessica Simpson.

Try it. We like it.  

There hasn’t been much press about Jessica Simpson lately, at least not compared to the couple of years where she was married to and divorcing Nick Lachey. Those were tough times. For us. Do you have any idea how many times we made complete buffoons of ourselves pronouncing ‘Lachey’ wrong? Did you know it’s pronounced ‘La-shay’, not ‘Lack-ee’?? No, really. It’s true.  

And then in 2005, that whole era was topped off with the Dukes of Hazzard movie where she maybe was, or maybe wasn’t doing the horizontal honky tonk with co-star Johnny Knoxville. Either way, it’s three years later and stage hands are still mopping up pools of embarrassing waste of time off the set floor. But what some people may not know is that Jessica Simpson ramped up more than a hamster with ADD on speed to get into amazing shape for her role as Daisy Duke in which she wore shortie shorts of the same name. We prefer ‘cheek-leak’ shorts to ‘Daisy Dukes’, but whatev.  

The point is that Jessica Simpson made a fitness video around that time entailing the workout she used to get into such fine shape. Haven’t seen it, have you. That’s because no one saw it. It wasn’t released. For one reason or another, Jessica Simpson stopped the video from being released. Was it because it produced a flurry of inappropriate remarks from her father/manager Joe Simpson about his daughter's bounteous physical attributes that created a vacuum of ickiness that threatened the very existence of mankind? We may never know, but yeah, it's probably the icky Dad thing.

Regardless of the reason why Jessica Simpson didn't want the video released, the production company is none too happy about the situation, and is suing her for 10 million dollars. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean said:

"They are hurting millions of fat people in America.”

This may come as a tremendous shock, but not all Americans are fat, and the millions that are were just waiting with baited, shortness of breath for the release of Jessica Simpson's fitness video so they could get into those Daisy Duke shorts. Now they can't. Thanks, Jessica Simpson.  

What we're more concerned with at this point, though, is how to get those fat people that wear Daisy Dukes anyway to stop. Stop it. Stop it, right now.  

Read more: 

Jessica Simpson Being Sued For $10m Over Fitness Video – Showbizspy


  1. gir says

    Jessica Simpson should come clean about the experimental procedure she went through to get rid of three pounds of useless flesh.

    The experts are calling it a “lobotomy”.


    Goddamned Jessica Simpson. She’s gonna have to make special amends to make up for this. You’d better believe it.

  3. Whorehey says

    Actually, I’m pretty sure ‘Lachey’ is pronounced ‘Latch-key’ – as in ‘Latchkey’ husband…

    And ‘Joe Simpson’ is actually pronounced ‘Future Registered Sex Offender.’ Not phonitically, but realistically…

  4. Annette Hyde says

    Thanks. whorehey. I thought Joe Simpson was pronounced “Ewwwww…..”, but I can see now where I was wrong on that.

  5. says

    Both pronunciations of Joe Simpson are valid.

    “Ewwww” is the English pronunciation (from Wales, I think)
    and “Future Registered Sex Offender” is a regional dialect from Florida.

    Other US pronunciations include:
    Another Celebrity Parent Who Dines On the Flesh of Its Young