Jessica Simpson won’t look back on 2009 fondly – first she got a bit fat, then she split up with her boyfriend.
But she’ll show them. Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson’s going to show them GOOD! How? By doing the only sensible thing that a 29-year-old single woman who had one solitary unflattering photo taken of her several months ago can do – she’s going on a crash diet and exercising furiously. That’s right, Jessica Simpson is determined to lose one pound a day until there’s nothing left but a pile of teeth, nipples and clumps of hair.
So great work, Jessica. Almost there.
You know what we like to we when we’ve been dumped? We like to crap in their shoes and then sit in their front garden for week, crying and cutting ourselves and wailing “WHY? Why won’t you LOVE ME?” Also, we like to go on a berserk, unsustainable diet and exercise regime because it’s easier to blame the break-up of a relationship on excess fat than the fact that we’re essentially dull and unpleasant people to be around. So, hey, at least we’ve got something in common with Jessica Simpson in that respect.
You may remember that Jessica Simpson split up with her boyfriend Tony Romo recently. Well, the good news is that Jessica is determined to show Tony Romo what he’s missing. And while she’s at it, she’s going to show all those people who called her fat what they’re missing, too. In fact, Jessica Simpson is going to show everyone! She’ll prove the WHOLE WORLD wrong. Except, you know, not the parts of the world that say that she isn’t very good at singing or acting. She’s only losing a bit of weight. Jeez.
Actually, we take that back. Jessica Simpson isn’t just losing a bit of weight. Jessica Simpson’s going on a REVENGE DIET! Whatever one of those is. OK! explains:
?Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ?I want my old body back,?? a friend of the singer reveals. ?She went into her kitchen, got a trash bag and started to clear it out.? And the results are already starting to show ? Jessica dropped 10 pounds in just the first 10 days of working out! ?She doesn't want to give anyone more reason to not take her seriously,? explains the pal. ?She's tired of weight being a talking point.?
OK, great. Jessica Simpson is tired of weight being a talking point. That’s a perfectly valid thing to say. After all, dramatically losing the equivalent of 30 human kidneys in weight in little over a week is absolutely going to stop people talking about her weight. Apart from this article. And the cover story of OK! magazine. And God knows what else.
And it’s only a bit of weight. It’s not as if Jessica Simpson has just signed a contract to produce and host an entire television series dedicated to using weight as a talking point, is it? What? It is? Oh well, at least now it’ll be a show where the viewers won’t be able to identify with the host in the slightest. And isn’t that the best type of show?
Still, we can’t help feeling that Jessica Simpson has an ulterior motive here. Maybe she’s losing this weight because she plans to get naked in a movie soon. Or maybe she’s teetering on the brink of an eating disorder. It doesn’t really matter – whichever one it is, someone’s probably going to end up vomiting.