If you like women with an uncomfortable obsession with their own body image, or sport or whatever, look away now.
Because Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo – the leading proponents of those two things – have split up. But wait, it gets worse – according to reports, Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson the day before her 29th birthday. That doesn’t seem like a particularly nice thing to do, does it?
But wait, it gets even worse – Jessica Simpson never even got the opportunity to shill out her relationship with Tony Romo in a badly-made, ethically-questionable MTV reality show. That’s the real tragedy here.
Between the age of 29 and 30, a woman tends to go on one of the most magical journeys of her entire life. Sure, on her 29th birthday she might be the same girlish optimist you met and fell in love with, but over the next 365 days she’ll incrementally transform into a beautiful womanly butterfly. A butterfly who spends four hours every morning pulling at her face in the bathroom mirror like it’s a lump of foccacia dough while complaining about how old she’s suddenly got, sure, but a butterfly nonetheless.
And Tony Romo, we’re sad to say, isn’t going to see Jessica Simpson go through any of that.
This is because on the eve of her 29th birthday, Tony Romo decided to dump Jessica Simpson. We don’t know why this is – although possible reasons include the fact that Tony Romo could often be seen partying without Jessica Simpson and the fact that the most profound conversation that either of them ever had with each other was a 12-second monosyllabic exchange about a potato – so let’s allow the New York Daily News to fill things in for us:
“She is heartbroken,” says a source. “She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways.” … Although a suddenly single Simpson may be heartbroken, the singer is staying positive. “Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you,” she tweeted.
We hate to pull you up here in this time of sadness, Jessica, but hope doesn’t actually float. Hope is an abstract emotional concept. We think you’ve got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’. Yes. Yes, you’ve definitely got ‘hope’ mixed up with ‘poo’.
Anyway, we wouldn’t recommend that any of you lose sleep about the Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split – they’ve parted ways before, remember, just before Ashlee Simpson got married to Pete Wentz, and ended up back in each other’s arms. Maybe all they need to push them together again is for someone else to give their baby a tragically awful name, because that seems to work.
So that’s why, if you’re expecting to give birth within the next week or so, please call your child something that’ll get them beaten up for the rest of their lives. Something like Gustav Vagina-Mouth. or Archibald Shitwhistle. Or Cunnilingus McHerpes. Please. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo need you more than ever.
Karla says
lol
mst3kster says
Jessica looks like she’s had more than her fair share of 29th birthdays, if you know what I mean.