You know the 2009 Campari calender, the one where Jessica Alba pouts and struts like the sexiest little Greek boy alive?
You know how your first instinct upon seeing the pictures – after wondering why Will Weaton had done such a sexually ambiguous photoshoot – was to marvel at Jessica Alba’s body and swear that if you ever had kids you’d sexily malnourish them too?
Well, relax – some before-and-after photos have appeared on the internet, showing that Jessica Alba was so heavily airbrushed for the shots that we suspect the original model was actually an overweight stubbly bloke in his fifties from Dagenham.
For all of Kate Winslet’s endless whining, airbrushing is now completely the norm when it comes to professional celebrity photography. And it’s just as well because, if people really looked like they did in the photoshoots, then Hollywood would be full of waxy-skinned aliens who look like they’d snap in half if you touched them and constantly wear the same warped, completely immobile facial expression.
And, you know, we’ve already got Nicole Kidman for that.
But for some reason the issue of airbrushing has popped up again, and it’s all thanks to Jessica Alba’s 2009 Campari calender. You may remember the media froth about Jessica Alba’s calender photos when they were released last week. This wasn’t just because Jessica Alba and Campari are such a perfect match – one is an iconic drink that everyone secretly thinks is disgusting and the other is a celebrated actress who has never made a good film – but because Jessica Alba looked tanned and slim and sexy even though she only had a baby about five minutes ago.
Seriously, it’s an accomplishment – would you want to see Lisa Marie Presley‘s post-baby swimsuit calender? No you wouldn’t, so Jessica Alba should be congratulated for her physique.
Or, to be slightly more accurate, whoever was in charge of airbrushing all the residual pregnancy wobbles off Jessica Alba’s body should be congratulated for her physique. As the LA Times reports, a set of before-and-after photos leaked onto the internet show just how much work was done on the snaps:
In the before shot, she's slightly fuller around the hips and waist. In the after, she has a darker tan, narrower chin, less flesh on her thighs, less crinkles on the shorts, a way perkier and more defined bust and brighter makeup. Heck, even the pool water color has been popped to a deeper turquoise!
We’ve seen these before-and-after photos of Jessica Alba, and the level of digital manipulation is just shameless in some pictures. For instance, in one before shot Jessica Alba might look a little pale, somewhat drawn around the eyes and infinitesimally less skinny than usual, but she still gives off the impression of being an incredibly sexy, confident young mother.
But after the airbrushers had been to work, however, she’s barely recognisable – the size of her external fascia had been adjusted to W607mm/D495mm, someone had installed a manual control under her ashpan cover and she was clearly sporting an artificial burning coal effect. In retrospect, there’s a chance that we were actually looking at a picture of a Valor DGF special inset gas fire rather than the Jessica Alba Campari calender, but our point still stands.
Anyway, regardless of the level of airbrushing that may or may not have happened in the photoshoot, good for Jessica Alba. She’s shown that women can have it all – they can have a glamorous calender for Italian booze and a baby who can’t remember what its mother looks like because she’s panting away on a treadmill for 23 hours a day out of a genuine fear that her career’s over because people might fancy Megan Fox slightly more than her now. Jessica Alba, you’re like a champion of feminism or something.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
ADVERT
Melodie says
Oh Stuart Heritage. My love for you is an ocean.
I was sitting here thinking “Wil Wheaton? No way.” But then I looked at that photo, then looked again, and then I laughed milk out my nose for about three hours.