You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it’s just Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock going off.
You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.
So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.
We should probably give you a spot of advance warning, here – it’s likely that December’s going to be pretty excruciating for everyone. Not only have we got a whole month of Jennifer Aniston promoting a movie to endure, but it’s a movie about a naughty dog. Oh, and the movie comes out on the same day as Brad Pitt’s new movie. So there’s going to be a lot of awkward overcompensatory crowing about contentment, and it’s going to be brutal for everyone.
Just for a taster, look what’s happened over the last couple of months – first Jennifer Aniston called Angelina Jolie ‘uncool’, then everyone thought she was pregnant, then she proved she wasn’t by walking around in a tight sweater until everyone got a bit sick of her.
And Jennifer Aniston didn’t even have a movie out – that was all just because Angelina Jolie had a movie out and Jennifer didn’t want her to get all the headlines. So this month will be – what’s the word? – nightmarish.
It’s started already, too – and all because of those darned pregnancy rumours. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Jennifer Aniston seemed to do nothing but meditate on the idea of motherhood – about how much she wants a baby, about the reaction to the news that she was pregnant and that she thinks she’d be a good mother because she stood quite near a baby on the set of a movie once or something:
“It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’ Everyone will be like, ‘Yeah, right.’ It’s the boy who cried wolf. Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!… ‘I feel like that’s in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way ? or it’s something I long for. So it was great to sort of dip your toe in it.”
Jennifer Aniston dipped her toe in it? Well no wonder she’s not pregnant yet – that’s not how it works at all. Someone buy Jennifer an educational book on sexual reproduction, for God’s sake, otherwise we’ll be here all day.