Just look at Angelina Jolie. She wronged Jennifer Aniston in the most hurtful way possible, by stealing Brad Pitt from her on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, and now, several years later, Jennifer Aniston has decided that she’s spoiling for a fight. In the new issue of Vogue, Aniston has described Angelina Jolie as “really uncool.”
These words are bound to upset Angelina Jolie, especially since Jennifer Aniston wasn’t even talking about the Brad Pitt thing – instead she was describing Angelina’s Dunlop trainers, 1980s adoption of the failed Betamax video system and her abiding love of the music of Jamiroquai. Lord knows how Angelina Jolie will react to this – chances are she’s going to write the word ‘SKANK’ on Jennifer Aniston’s geography coursebook or something.
Just like the second coming of Jesus, the return of King Arthur and Oasis releasing an album that isn’t full of middling tripe, the prospect of Jennifer Aniston publicly scolding Angelina Jolie for stealing Brad Pitt from her is something that’s long been prophesied despite the slim likelihood of it ever happening.
Oh, sure, Jennifer Aniston has alluded to the split in the past – by banging on about pity-parties and taking up with men who look slightly like humidity-wilted waxwork models of Brad Pitt – but for the most part she’s just been happy to maintain the icy awkwardness between Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and herself that involves one party having to avoid a charity luncheon occasionally.
Until now. Poor Jennifer Aniston has done her best to try and maintain a dignified silence while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie mocked her by starring in terrible depressing movies that were supposed to be hers and thinking up deliberately stupid names for their children, but she just can’t hold it in any longer.
Why? Because recently Angelina Jolie described Mr & Mrs Smith as the movie where she and Brad Pitt fell in love, even though Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston at the time. Oh, and also because Jennifer Aniston’s got a couple of films coming out soon. That probably helped as well. Anyway, here’s what Jennifer Aniston told Vogue:
“There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool.”
Really, Angelina Jolie should be thankful that Jennifer Aniston managed to limit it to just ‘uncool’. We hear she was also toying with dropping ‘wack’, ‘square’, ‘not groovy’, or even going as far as calling Angelina Jolie a ‘skallywag’ or – worse still – a ‘nincompoop’ in retaliation. With that sort of escalation it’d only be a matter of days before someone threw down with ‘skuzz-bucket’ and it all ended in tears.
But, still, this outburst is sure to backfire on Jennifer Aniston. Now that she’s been called uncool, Angelina Jolie is clearly going to try and get cooler to prove Jennifer Aniston wrong. So, the next time you see Angelina Jolie walking down the street wearing a backwards baseball cap and baggy MC Hammer-style trousers, listening to a cassette of Savage Garden’s Greatest Hits on an oversized ghettoblaster perched on her shoulder, know that she’s had the last laugh in all of this.