P Diddy is a very wealthy man. Wealthy enough, in fact, to get us to pose for several embarrassing pictures with 1,000 severed crocodile dongs.
We were paying for college, and no crocodiles were completely killed in the process. Leave us alone.
May we just say that should we ever run for president those pictures are not us, although the likeness is uncanny. Now about Diddy being super wealthy and all – he’s got money spilling out of unnatural places. You’d think he could get any woman he wants – right? Yet somehow he opted for Cameron Diaz, a woman who looks like an onion.
Seriously – picture her there smirking – especially in her new Vegas movie, and then picture an upside down vidalia onion. The shape is exactly the same, hence, Cameron Diaz looks like an onion. This seriously hit us just now.
Anyway, Diddy is apparently dating said onion, and we’ve stumbled across several evidences to prove it.
Either P Puff Diddy Daddy is the father of Cameron Diaz too and the two are just trying to sort out their new-found paternity issues, or they’re dating. Either way they’ve been spotted all over the place holding hands, giggling and basically tip-toeing into Prince‘s basement.
Now if you’re like us you are currently dumbfounded by the image of P Diddy giggling. If we were a jury we’d say this conclusively proves he had nothing to do with the death of Tupac. Also if you’re anything like us you want to know why he’s apparently attracted to dirt-growing vegetables, and/or people that resemble them.
But he is. Look at this here – it’s from the NY Daily News:
“Sly Stallone, John Legend, Eddie Murphy, Babyface and other guests were riveted by the 2 1/2-hour backyard concert [Prince] gave to launch his book 21 Days. But Diaz and Diddy seemed only to have eyes for each other.
“During the show, they laughed and held hands. At one point, while Diddy sipped a Grey Goose, Cameron told him he “must” try her bread pudding, which she proceeded to spoon-feed him. After some whispering, Diddy nodded toward Prince’s mansion.
“Once inside, he led Diaz by the hand through its labyrinthine corridors to Prince’s basement. That’s where we came upon the entranced twosome standing in the theater’s doorway. Diddy was bringing his lips toward hers when he realized someone was approaching. Smiling, they closed the theater’s door and locked it. We heard them giggling inside.”
Just try to deny that now – go on just try it. You can’t, right? That’s because it’s true – but it shouldn’t surprise you. Diddy took a crack at Sienna Miller a while back, but now she just sleeps with Cobra Commander instead. The rapper’s also taken several cracks at women who keep DNA testing his secret children. This plethora of sexy relationships would seem to imply the man doesn’t need to date someone who looks like a delicious hamburger topping, but he does it anyway. Here’s more proof – see that way over there? Click on it: 
We found that last bit on a napkin we saw fall out of Diaz’s purse, but perhaps the most shocking part of all is that in several instances it seems she’s completely forgotten how to write cursive. Cursed be the public school system. Or maybe it’s something we wrote that ourselves with a 2.0 version of Photoshop.
Either way we’ll not retract our public school comment.
