Now that the Harry Potter series is over and Voldemort's dead and Hermione isn't dead Harry Potter has had all those children to teach naked horse eye-stabbing to, there's not going to be so much money to roll around in.
And a future where billions of children don't throw their hard-earned pocket money at a new Harry Potter book every couple of years is a scary place to be – which is why JK Rowling seems determined to stamp her approval on every harebrained get-rich-quick scheme that's slid under her nose. Most recently, this has been a Harry Potter musical that's set to take the West End by storm. Casting agents have apparently been on the lookout for a young star to play Harry Potter in the Harry Potter musical – and we expect that it'll be tough to find someone who can simultaneously portray Harry Potter's teenage awkwardness and belt out the show-stopping number Do The Expelliarmus (Funky Disco Party Time).
If you're anything like us, the publication of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows has left a hole in your heart the size of a planet. Not only do we have to cope with the sad finality that comes with saying goodbye to a well-loved character but also we can't scream Harry Potter spoilers into the faces of people before they've read the book any more. But however much you're going to miss Harry Potter, you can bet that JK Rowling will miss him more.
Thanks to Harry Potter, JK Rowling is now literally richer than God. Millions of kids rushed to the bookshops as soon as a new Harry Potter book was published, pumping more money into JK Rowling's bank account each second than you'd earn in a decade. But now – at least until Rowling relents and writes a bunch more – Harry Potter is over. There'll be a couple more Harry Potter films, possibly an encyclopedia, and then the Harry Potter cash tsunami will be reduced to a trickle of coins coming from idiots who feel the need to buy each new repackaged Harry Potter boxset that'll be cynically churned out every couple of years to keep the publishers in skiing holidays.
Without any new books or films, there'll only be one way to keep Harry Potter making people money – and that's to approve every single Harry Potter cash-in that possibly comes along. Already there's going to be a Harry Potter theme park opening soon, but that alone won't be enough to keep JK Rowling in the manner to which she's been accustomed. And that's why IOL is reporting a terrifying Harry Potter musical:
Producers are already working on a script for an all-singing, all-dancing show of J.K. Rowling's stories to open at London's West End next year… A theatre insider says: "The musical has the potential to be huge. You are already off to a head start with the most popular book of recent times. The difficulty is condensing the seven books into a manageable show. They are exploring various ideas. One possibility is to tell the whole story."
Chances are you're experiencing the same knotted-stomach feeling that we did when we first read that quote – that's fear. Fear that people really are stupid enough to turn seven Harry Potter books – that's almost three and a half thousand pages, or 12 hours of film and counting – into a single Harry Potter musical. And you thought the Lord Of The Rings musical was too long. Unless the Harry Potter musical is being funded by some sort of religious cult hell-bent on provoking mass-suicide through songs like My Name Is Hagrid (And I Am Funky) and Yes, It's Another Fucking Quidditch Game, we can't see the Harry Potter musical being a success in any way, shape or form.
But what do we know? Perhaps the Harry Potter musical will be a gigantic success and make lots of money for everyone involved. Part of us actually hopes that it will be a success, because once people have been awoken to how lucrative shoddy cash-in spin-offs can be, it's only a short step until someone's making a Harry Potter Life Day Special. And we'd like to see that so very much.
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K. Johnson says
Although I LOVE musicals, whether it be just watching them or actually singing/acting in one. But I wuld draw the line with Harry Potter. This magnificent book series is mean to be read, and maybe, just MAYBE, enjoyed at the movie theaters. It is NOT, however, meant to be belted out in solor, duets, trios, or full-chorus! I just can’t imagine watching a paper-mache Buckbeak on stage and not laugh. Making a musical would be completely disastrous, if not just down-right laughable. I hope no one comes up with and hope to fly with that hair-brained idea….
Cathy says
I think it’s a wonderful idea. And I hope they bring it to New York, because I will definetely go and see it.And Yes, I am also looking forward to the New Theme Park.
I hope they build a restaurant too.
Sara says
No no no no. this is an idiotic idea that should have been flushed down an ogres toilet. no way am i ever coming within 100 miles of this crap. i would highly appreciate it if they didn’t ruin the life of harry potter in a stupid musical. musicals are good and i love them, but i can’t allow them to mix with the world of harry potter.
anonymous says
This is retarded. Harry Potter is going to become a laughing stock if some idiot decides to start a musical. I can’t even imagine what it would be like. It’s a
horrifying idea really.
Gilbert Wham says
It will succeed massively and make more money than war. Because eight out of ten people are fucking stupid.
Lauren says
This is the stupidest thing ever!! What is the point?? I bet this is a rumour because I have not seen hide nor hair of this on the tv or in newspapers so I reckon this is a lie and I hope it is! But Harry Potter is a good book series – I did not like the films much though, and why should they have the THOUGHT of it to make it into a MUSICAL??! Why start it all over again when the films have been done? Harry Potter films are more realistic without solos. Harry Potter is not like Wicked!
It’s just another stupid rumour for producers to make money. That’s all it is about nowadays! Money! Not just for enjoyment! Like anonymous said Harry Potter would be a laughong stock if they dared this to happen and ruin the story. Hence runing Harry Potter. JK Rowling would be furious!
Lauren says
And what is the point for the theme park?! It’s all about greedy producers wanting the spotlight!
Bellatrix says
Check out A Very Potter Musical on You tube.it is one of the most fabulous pieces of theatre EVER. And that is coming from a true HP fan who has practically all the books memorized.