Halle Berry is going to be a mother. We know this because Halle Berry wouldn't shut up about wanting a baby before she going to have a baby and, now that there's a baby on the way, Halle Berry won't shut up about that either.
Halle Berry yesterday appeared on Oprah to discuss how thrilled she was to be pregnant with her first baby and every single possible sodding variation on that theme. Thanks to Halle Berry's appearance on Oprah we know that Halle Berry and her boyfriend had to have sex to conceive the baby, that Halle Berry knows all about being a mother because she plays a mother in her new film, how Halle Berry doesn't want to know the sex of her baby and how Halle Berry wants to conceive a second baby pretty much the instant after this one gets pulled out of her. Yeah, that last one made us gag a little too.
For some women, motherhood is everything – their sole life's purpose. We're not sure if having baby is Halle Berry's sole purpose in life or not – it's either babies or standing around with her arse out – but Halle Berry certainly wants a baby as much as she once wanted to kill herself, which is apparently quite a lot. But luckily for everyone on the planet, Halle Berry is much better at having babies than she is at ending her life in a carbon monoxide-filled vehicle, because Halle Berry is pregnant.
However, that only goes to show how useless Halle Berry is at suicide because even she's the first to admit that she's rubbish at getting pregnant. Speaking on Oprah yesterday, Halle Berry said that she needed to have sex with her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry upwards of 35 times before she fell pregnant. The Associated Press reports:
Halle Berry says she and her boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. "So there was a lot of staying home and doing what you do. Like, all the time, around the clock," the 41-year-old Oscar-winning actress said Tuesday on "The Oprah Winfrey Show." One negative pregnancy test followed another, "and finally, after about 35 tests, we finally got a positive test," Berry told Winfrey in one of her first interviews since announcing last month that she was expecting her first child with Aubry, her boyfriend of two years. Berry, who is about three months pregnant, told Winfrey she doesn't want to know the sex of the baby.
It's heartening to see Halle Berry's dreams come true like this, don't you think? Still just three months pregnant, Halle is still obviously in the idealistic early stages of motherhood – before the swollen ankles and tit-ache and deranged moodswings, and long before having a tiny creature with a voice like an offensive rape alarm screaming and crapping everywhere when all she wants is just 30 seconds to herself away from that fucking brat – but even when all of that happens, Halle Berry will be prepared. Motherhood is Halle Berry's destiny, you see. And Halle Berry knows this because in her new film Things We Lost In The Fire, Halle Berry plays a woman with a child:
"I think it validated that I was meant to be a mother because every day I dealt with the character as a mother and thinking as a mother. It let me know that I must be a mother."
Obviously we don't need to point out that, on the basis of this theory, Halle Berry has also spent parts of her career validating her desire to be a prehistoric secretary, a sad woman who has graphic sex with Billy Bob Thornton, two different peripheral superheroes and whatever the hell she played in Gothika. We're not even going pretend we watched that.
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Stabby McGee says
So… when’s yours due then, Stuart?
Stuart Heritage says
Judging by these swollen ankles and my chronic tit-ache, I’d say any day now.
Evisu says
I think its nice to have brothers rather than just a single kid… just my opinion though.
Adam Gade says
But who is the father, Stu? Federline? Or Ray Quinn?
Jennifer Carrington says
you sound like an arse!