Today is Madonna's 48th birthday, and she'll be spending it by doing the traditional 48th birthday thing – getting ready to dress up in a pornographic leotard, strap herself onto a giant mirrored crucifix and sing a rubbish techno song.
However, the good folks of Germany aren't so willing to let Madonna celebrate her birthday in this obviously very harmless way – they're bracing themselves for Madonna's first concert in Dusseldorf on Sunday so that they can prosecute her elderly arse off for taking the piss out of Jesus, and not really forgiving her like we thought Christians were supposed to do.
This time last year, Madonna spent her day falling off a horse and breaking a load of her bones, but this year she's got more to worry about – namely being chased out of Europe by a mob of angry Christians. And it's all down to the tiny matter of a giant shiny crucifix that Madonna insists on climbing aboard night after night.
In her head, Madonna boards the mirrored crucifix every night to sing Live To Tell in order to educate her audience about the worldwide Aids epidemic, although chances are that the audience are too busy looking at the old lady on the shiny cross singing her slightly out-of-date song to notice the pictures of dying African babies being flashed up in the background. And, anyway, Madonna has already cleared the stunt with Jesus, who thinks that it's cool, but not as good as the time she wanked herself off on a bed while singing Like A Virgin 16 years ago.
However, in reality Madonna has drawn all kinds of criticism for the crucifixion stunt from religious groups and the Pope, and it looks like there'll be no let-up once Madonna reaches Germany, either. German prosecutors will apparently be monitoring the crucifixion stunt to see if it could be construed as insulting to people's religious beliefs. It's not clear what will happen to Madonna if her stunt is deemed to be insulting – maybe she'll be stoned to death or burnt at the stake or whatever it is these Christians do nowadays. As always, Madonna's slave Liz Rosenberg is quick to point out how wrong all these religious types are:
"The context of Madonna's performance on the crucifix is not negative nor disrespectful toward the church."
However, if we were Madonna we'd be trying to think of an alternative, less offensive stunt for the German concerts. Like dancing around a giant glittery hernia, for example, or climbing onto a huge mirrored toilet seat and taking a massive shiny dump. Obviously that last one would only work if the toilet seat was brand new each night.
[story by Stuart Heritage]