To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn't just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.
By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.
Yesterday's Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who's doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year's winner was Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.
Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to deal with the crushingly awkward situation of running into an old flame and being forced to make clumsily stilted conversation with their new partner. It's horrible – small-talk is difficult at the best of times without your entire brain refusing to move on from shrieking "I bet he's better at sex than you!" at full volume – which is why sometimes it's better just to have a massive punch-up like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee did that time. Rather that than let the voices in your head win, we say.
But sometimes the situation is unavoidable. Like, for instance, if you ever sleep with Jessica Simpson there's a good chance that you'll eventually run into another man who's slept with Jessica Simpson. Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore.
Oh, we're just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn't a whore. She just sleeps exclusively with men who identically fit the profile of a Cosmopolitan magazine Fun Fearless Male, which can get a little awkward come the annual Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Male luncheon. USA Today reports:
Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson's ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her. Last year, Simpson's ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony… "I haven't hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I'm honored," said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.
Not only that, but the founder of MySpace also won a Fun Fearless Male award, and he's helping Jessica Simpson go to Kuwait to perform soon. So why has everyone who Jessica Simpson ever been romantically involved with received a Fun Fearless Male award? Well, we don't know about the 'fun' part but you're sure to be pretty fearless after spending a few months waking up in the night, seeing Jessica Simpson's silhouetted jawline and thinking that a giant robot Tyrannosaurus had come from the future to bite you in half.
And Jessica Simpson should be pleased about this, too – her career might be constantly hitting ever-lower depths, but at least she knows that she's got a decent taste in men. Or that men are sucking all her talent out of her vagina with their penises. Could be either, all said.
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mst3kster says
“Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore. Oh, we’re just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn’t a whore.”
You’re damn right she’s no whore!!
She does it for free, which makes her a slut.
euclid says
the limelight is never “free”